Any addict will tell you that the fun went out of the ride long before they got off. Some never get off and just drift away into nothingness or death. I have had friends who blew their brains out, took rat poison, or hung themselves. I have also seen people recover from addiction and pass away with 35 years of clean time. There are two comments that mystify me as an alcoholic-addict. The first is "Why don't you just stop?" The other is "I'm not hurting anyone but myself."
The first one, "Why don't you just stop?," seems so simple. Just stop! Quit! Walk away! Addiction is both physical and psychological. When I was using my body would cry out "Get me a drink or I'm gonna DIE!" while my mind was simultaneously pleading with me "If you keep on drinking you're gonna DIE!" The most deliberate answer to the question is a plain "I don't know!" Addiction is a side of your being that knows your deepest fears and weaknesses and how to play to your ego and pride.
It has been cunning and baffling and it is that and more. There were many, many, many days that I would wake up in physical and mental agony and promise to God, myself and my family that I was finished! I would march into the day with my resolve firmly planted and my aim sure. But late into the morning my mind would start proposing reasons that I should give up the fight and have a party. My mind would say things like, "You had a bad day." "You had a good day!" "Your mommy didn't love you enough or maybe too much."
The simple nudging would continue until the right proposal caught my attention. It might be on the third attempt or the sixty-seventh! The inquisition was simply too brutal. My addiction was going to find a way to make me succumb to it. As an addict I knew that what I was doing was wrong. The addiction keeps working on you until you can justify the trip. You don't have to like the reason, just be okay with it. The hard part about getting clean is that abnormal becomes normal to the user. My completely chaotic life of 3 marriages between the ages of 26 and 32 was insane, but it was an insanity I was comfortable with.
For an addict's loved ones, every "I'm sorry" and "I promise" became as innocuous as a hello or goodbye. But the addict means it every time. It is bigger than us. It is stronger than our love for you. It is stronger than the compass that navigates us between right and wrong. Sometimes we would lash out with hateful talk or actions. We had to do that to justify the behavior and distance ourselves from the very ones trying to save us.
I used to think I wasn't hurting anyone but me. I had to use that thinking to allow myself to continue my using and self punishment and self loathing that addictions command. I can honestly say I remember very little of the 1990's. That is a sad but true statement. I had 3 failed marriages during that time and lost 2 children before birth. Those things gave me more fuel to feed my insanity and I left a wide path of destruction behind.
I learned to manage my alcoholism to some degree before I quit altogether. I would work and bring home a decent paycheck to my fourth and current wife, Kris. Therefore I figured I had a right to tie one on. But the things I didn't consider was that the so-called management of the booze required 100% of my attention. When my wife needed to vent I wasn't available. When she needed a hug it was a quick squeeze like she was my aunt and then back to the beer. There were many times she sat in a room and felt completely alone because I was uninterested. I didn't have "time" to help with homework or play catch with my son. I only had time for me, my feelings and my drink.
The wall that keeps us from our loved ones and surrounds us like a prison is high and strong. If and when an addict can stop the merry-go-round and genuinely try to quit, it has to be a team effort. The addict has to reach out for help no matter how many times we have bitten our loved ones in order to accept the hand of change. It isn't easy. It is not an overnight fix. It is a family disease and the family has different wounds and deep scars that take time to heal. With an open mind, heart and lots of support all parties involved can make it to the other side. Many years of destruction takes many years of repairs. Keep the faith and never say never.
No comments:
Post a Comment