My father's ashes were interned at Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery on October 8, 2010. It was a beautifully patriotic ceremony that included a bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace" and a 21 gun salute. He was listed as "ashes divide" so I can return part of them to the Ring of Kerry in Ireland. I was asked to tell a brief story about my dad during the service and I completely lost it. I had been so stoic and swallowed all my feelings instead of booze and they all came flying back out in that moment. I could not stop the tears as I stumbled along the pavilion picking up the spent shells from the tribute.
I was grateful I was sober for the last two years of his life. We shared many deep conversations about death and God and I even gave him communion. If not the only time he took it, it was one of very few. His passing changed something in me permanently and profoundly. I had many dreams and aspirations growing up but didn't achieve very many because addiction is all about getting high today and taking care of life tomorrow. The next high becomes another tomorrow and the dreams never come. I would live in delusions and never attempt anything. High is a full time job.
I had done stand up comedy with some success on and off since I was 40. I decided I was going to get back to the stage and really make a go of becoming a professional comic. My sister Christine is an actress, and model and soon to be Chaplain. She encouraged me for a long time to submit my photos and try commercial print and acting. I always let my low self esteem, hatred for my physical appearance and fear of rejection prevent me from giving it a shot. These traits are shared by addicts. On the outside though we look like we have big egos and are fearless. Never let 'em see you sweat.
I decided I was going to take the chance. Life is short. No one lays on their death bed and says "I wish I had another drink" or "I wish I had another hundred bucks." Christine had taken some pictures of me and my youngest daughter the year before and gave me some contacts in the business to send my head shots to. On that Sunday night, October 10, 2010, I got a call from Darlene Hunt from Extraordinary Casting here in the city.
Darlene wanted me to report to the Cook County Courthouse early the next day. It was closed for Columbus day and the shoot was utilizing the courtrooms. I had a contact name for when I checked in and about 10 changes of clothes. I was told to bring 3. Overcompensation, another obsession! I checked in and was cast as an attorney. Wardrobe looked through the menagerie of pants, shirts and coats I dragged along and I was set.
The show was tentatively called "Ride Along." It would later be renamed "The Chicago Code". It stars Jennifer Beals of "Flashdance/L-Word" fame, Jason Clarke from "The Brotherhood," Delroy Lindo from too many things to list and Matt Lauria from "Friday Night Lights." I paid careful attention to the dynamic group of other actors in the room and asked lots of questions. I made some fast friends and learned what to do and not to do on a movie set.
I was placed in the scene and had an on-camera role with no lines but an important role in the story. We rehearsed the scene a few times and then the "First Team" actors were brought in. It was surreal. I was sitting 10 feet from Jennifer Beals, strikingly beautiful and naturally graceful. Jason Clarke was cool and very Irish. I was surprisingly comfortable and fell in love with the film business instantly.
In a twisted irony I reflected back on when I had seen the movie Flashdance in the theater. I had taken LSD late that afternoon in anticipation of going to see Led Zeppelin "The Song Remains the Same" at the midnight movie in Orland. My buddies dropped me off at home to shower and were to pick me up later for the film. While I was getting ready another buddy called to remind me that I had set up a double date for that night to see "Flashdance" in Park Forest and that I couldn't let him down.
I cancelled the midnight movie date and headed to Park Forest for my evening as a wing man, tripping all the way. It was April of 1983. I was already a drunk at 17 and messing with any mind altering drug I could get my hands on. I made it through the film fairly normal but almost jumped out of my skin during the strobe scene when the girl rolls along the wall. I got pulled over by the police that night for a burnt out taillight and felt so cool that I didn't get a ticket while I was flying! It was twisted thinking then and sickening to me as I sat next to Ms. Beals.
I had reached out and grabbed hold of one of my dreams. I was in a scene with Jennifer Beals and it was one of the most amazing days of my life. But it was bittersweet knowing that I had been under the influence when I first laid eyes on her. Part of recovery is facing the mistakes of your past and cleaning up the baggage it piles on the addict.
I had the prayer card from my father's memorial service in my pocket. I thought to myself "Pops, look at me, I'm in a TV series and so are you." The remorse of my past slipped away as I thought of the sober days with my dad at the end of his life. I was sober on that set, that day. Yesterday is gone! I am sober today and that's all that matters! We can't change our yesterdays but our tomorrows bring endless possibilities. My love for films and acting was set and it was just the beginning of many exciting days to come.
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