After my last two blogs on past Christmases, and at the risk of jumping to the end of my story, I thought it was appropriate to riff on now. Christmas 2010. I always say that I'm grateful when I DEMANDED that God give me what I deserved he didn't take me up on it, and that I am grateful for what he has given me, and more importantly what he hasn't. The comments I have received thus far from followers of the blog have been encouraging but have also opened up some old wounds and new ones for me and others.
As I stumble through this entry my three dogs are lying at my feet. I have heat, food, clothes and my health. I have a hot cup of coffee and I am at peace with those in my life. Most importantly I am sober, have found a faith in a God that I can lean on and I understand I can't get through life successfully without the help of others. Armed with these simple truths I know the future looks bright and if it gets dark I can get through it if I remember those simple truths.
Tom Dreesen wrote to me when I was getting ready to do this blog something to the effect that "We all have personal demons and we have to get up each day and give 'em hell." Last night David Brenner messaged me "Geronimo was ten years older than you and was still kicking the white man's ass!" I read somewhere that, "A man who conquers a city is great...but a man who conquers himself is greater."
I have spent so much of my life looking at what was wrong with my life and the world around me. When I colored a picture as a kid I focused on where I went outside the lines, not at the beauty of my creation. When I walked through the city I saw the alleys and filth, the dark shadows and pain, not the magnificence of the man made jungle. I spent each day with one foot on yesterday and one foot on tomorrow and missed out on a lot of amazing todays.
When my father died in July I was relieved that he was freed from his pain. I was thankful that I was sober for the last two years of his life and was there to shower and shave him. I was given the chance to make up for the years of anguish and hurt I put him through and I showed up like an adult. He was my buddy and best friend and I was there for him. I gave freely but got so much more in return from that time with him.
My oldest daughter is flying in from Germany today to spend three weeks with my wife and I. It wasn't too long ago that she would rather gouge her own eyes out than to spend three hours with me. I held onto her so tightly that she ran at the age of 18 because I suffocated her. I am unemployed but have the opportunity to spend more time with her and share with you. I have friends, real friends, who I can lean on and share my pain and happiness with.
I live my life one day at a time, one moment at a time and I suck every second out of them the best that I can. I am conscious of the fact that I throw away more food in a day than half the people in the world eat in a week. I can feel other peoples' pain. The world no longer revolves around me. I am no longer the biggest wave in the ocean. I am just a grain of sand on the beach.
The holidays bring out the best and worst in us. The thought of people getting trampled to death trying to get their hands on the latest gadget or homes being burglarized for their Christmas gifts is mind numbing. I have spent holidays alone or caught up in the commercialism. I have flipped people off while spreading glad tidings and Christmas cheer. I have also seen people do amazing things for each other, sometimes complete strangers.
I have reached a point in my life where my glass is not half empty. It runneth over! I have everything I need and more. Worry, anxiety and obsession are man made emotions. My prayers finally contain more thank you's than pleases. My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her I wanted nothing because I have everything I need right here. Always remember: Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a GIFT! That's why they call it the PRESENT.
Thanks for being a part of my life.
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