When I reference being married 4 times it's a source of discomfort and to a lesser sense, a point of shame. Coming from a family of divorce I promised myself that when I get married it's gonna be forever. That statement of Biblical defined marriage obviously didn't come to pass for me. Divorce is a part of many of our lives, not just addicts. My multi matrimonial scorecard is just another reflection of how my addictive mind twists perception to fit its purpose.
The relationships I am in, and have been in, range from healthy to absolutely sick. Squeaky, the nickname of adoration I have for my wife, and I have a fairly healthy and functioning marriage. She is my best friend. We have been through a lot together. She has had to deal with the pains of my addiction and recovery, relapse after relapse and has some extremely big stones. My insane, controlling and irrational behaviors displayed in the early and later years of our marriage were enough to drive the strongest partner away.
I can honestly say that if I was the earthling and she was the addict I don't know if I would have stuck around for all the chaos. I can say with sincerity that my wife knows everything about me. We have no secrets between each other and never let the sun go down on our anger. In the beginning it was not so simple. There are difficult todays but in the early years I had the emotional I.Q. of a 15 year old. Some say that when you transition from casual user to addict your emotional maturity is suspended or retarded. I can say for myself that was definitely true and I can still act like a big, dumb baby when the world doesn't do what I want it to do. I have matured in the last few years more than I did in the several years before them.
I had my first "steady girlfriend" in third grade. I didn't know what that meant but I bought her a smiley face ring from the gumball machine at Mokena Pharmacy and she presented me with a plastic yellow bulldog. We were a match made in heaven. We would play house at recess and she was the bulldog and I was her proud owner. Our master and man's best friend arrangement worked marvelously as long as she did what I said and agreed to play the way I wanted to play. It also took great pains to tell her how she could be a better bulldog and improve herself. This was a pattern I repeated late into my adulthood.
A relationship to me was an opportunity to share romance, avoid loneliness and help my partner better them self. I offered my self-improvement advice whether it was welcomed or not. Long before I used my fear, self-loathing and hyper self-criticism were solidly forged. I got better and better at not trying to change my shortcomings by working harder and harder at telling everyone around me what was wrong with them. I didn't have to look at myself as long as I was focusing my attention on where others were defective.
One of the innate characteristics a lot of addicts share is the ability to read people. In the first few moments of meeting someone I can usually determine how confident they are with themselves, their vulnerabilities and the best way to manipulate them into giving me what I want. It is uncanny. For a casual acquaintance or work associate my unique skills were limited to a few hours a day. For family, friends and significant others I honed in on their tender spots and beat them to death with my recommendations on how to overcome them.
The more I cared for someone the more I feared they would eventually hurt me. Since I was certain that a painful ending was assured I would jab and poke at my partner's insecurities with my relentless advice and criticisms. I would slowly bleed out each partner until they told me it was over. Once my prophesy was fulfilled and I was alone again I could beat myself up some more and reflect on how I knew they would have hurt me all along.
I ruined countless relationships repeating this destructive behavior but I would always find another victim willing to take me on as their man. In the almost 40 years of dating and relationships the longest I have been single is probably three months or less. I needed to latch on to women to take the focus off of how badly I hated myself. By making others feel bad about themselves I took comfort in their discomfort. The words of an alcoholic or addict go straight for the kill shot. There is no preliminary round. We go for the verbal knock out with the first few words.
My recovery has helped me recognize this defect and a multitude of unhealthy behaviors I have participated in. I am longer to think and slower to speak now. I try to build up people instead of tearing them down. The funny thing is that in the past I would cause pain to feel pain. Now when I make others feel good, I feel good. The more time I have in sobriety the easier it becomes to be me. When I am okay with me I play nice with all the other kids in my life sandbox. With the help of God, other friends in recovery and continuous dedication to my sobriety I am confident that the day will come when I wake up content spending each day with myself.
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