I know I'm not the only person who is reflecting on the events of 2010 today. I am truly grateful that I remember 2010. There are many New Year's Eves in the past that are a blank slate to me. Every day was New Year's to me because I would use and drink and say to my self "I'm gonna quit tomorrow." I made resolution after resolution, night after night and was trapped in Groundhog's Day. I was trapped in tomorrows and yesterdays.
Today will be my second sober December 31st in a row. On this date in 2008 I stopped drinking for 10 days, then drank for 6 more. I have not had a drink or a drug since January 17, 2009. I had tried rehab in 1999 and had counseling after my accident in 1991. I would do okay for a while and then isolate. I am an isolating drunk. Sure, I went to bars occasionally but my favorite place to party was all by myself with a bottle and a box of tissues. Me and my self-pity are the fire and the booze is the bomb. When the three got together - kaboom!
This is the most popular time of the year for people joining recovery groups. I have yet to see someone come in happy and smiling, stating with glee, "I just won the lottery. I am dating twins and I thought I would just stop in and see how you guys were doing." Some arrive because the court ordered them. Some come because their wife or husband gave them an ultimatum. Yet others walk in FINALLY realizing that they can't stay sober on their own. They need help from people just like them. I lived my life thinking no one was like me and here were all these me's of all shapes and sizes ready to help.
If you were lost in a jungle would you rather have a map or a guide who has walked that same jungle a hundred times and knows how to safely navigate the way out? The answer is obvious. Unfortunately the ego, fear and disease of "self" have worked on the alcoholic for a long time. It is hard to accept you have a condition or disease that makes drinking an unsafe option for you once you begin.
Our society glamorizes booze and promotes it as socially glamorous. These constant bombardments of fun and laughter that come with a cocktail are inviting to anyone, and damn near hypnotic porn to an alcoholic. The commercials remind me of the casino ads that show gambling, hot chicks, laughter and booze then end with a public service announcement. "If you or someone you know has a gambling problem call 1-800-I'm screwed!" The ads don't show the guy who can't stop gambling or the one who spent his paycheck on chance instead of paying the rent. Addiction starts out a wonderful servant and ends up a merciless master.
Most people can tie one on and that is it. They wake up with a New Year's Day hangover and lay on the couch drinking Gatorade and nursing a headache through endless football games. That doesn't make you an alcoholic. For those of you who are or live with a potential alcoholic I am sorry to say that there is nothing that you can say to make us stop. We must reach a point where the agony, self-loathing, depression, anger and chaos is too much for us to handle. In short we all have to decide for ourselves when the rat race of addiction is over.
For me it was January 17, 2009. I had drank all day and had pissed the bed the night before. There were times I pissed on the floor, on the couch, you name it. My Lab, Fabian, has actually pissed on my floor fewer times than I have. At the end of my run I would even fashion a diaper for myself knowing full well I would piss again but finding nothing abnormal about the behavior. I even bought my wife one of those mini carpet cleaners to clean up after the "dogs" made a mistake. On that night I begged to whoever was up there to please deliver me from the pain. I meant it and was willing to do anything to stop.
When I wet the bed my wife always knew but I hid it from the kids. After everyone left I would clean and suck the urine from our expensive mattress, wash the sheets and place fans around the wet area to assure dryness before my crew returned home from school and work. After 6 months of sobriety my wife was so proud of the new me she wanted to buy me a new drum kit. I was humbled by her amazing grace and the offer was tempting. I declined and took her to the mattress store and let her pick out the mattress of her dreams. I can say confidently and with deep gratitude to God that it has never been peed on.
If you are wondering if you are an alcoholic or addict the most honest answer to the question is what do you think. Only you know. Do you obsess that you may be an armadillo? I would think not. But if you are at a point where your ability to stop using when you want to doesn't work, or your life revolves around using, recovering from using or obsessing about using is a constant cycle, a hard look at the situation may be necessary. As a loved one there is support for people in addictive or codependent relationships, regardless of what addiction you may have. If you want to truly begin a new way of life look in the phone book. Start with the letter "A" and go from there. Before you know it, help will appear on the page. Whether you are the user or living with one, you have to wake up with you everyday. You are the only person that you are guaranteed to wake up with for the rest of your life. How are you doing?
I used to resent people who could drink safely and then put it down. I don't anymore. The thought of not drinking 5 years down the road at my middle daughter's wedding was impossible to comprehend. Now I just don't drink for today and tomorrow will take care of itself. Each one of us only has today, whether an addict or an earthling.
A lot of the justification I used to continue the cycle of addiction were notions and memories like, "Nobody loves me." "I am a loser." "I hated my childhood." " I can't tell anyone about the 'tickle game' a trusted adult played with me when I was a boy." "I can't live without booze. The pain is too much." All of these are symptoms of unhealthy thinking. Drugs and alcohol are the medicine addicts use to mask that pain.
Most of the things I wanted to be, but couldn't when I was drunk, have come to me ten fold. It feels great to have my wife and kids smile at me when I walk in the door. I am confident that I am a good husband, father, son, brother and friend. People can depend on me. I can look at myself in the mirror and other people in the eye. All the things I planned on doing tomorrow as a drunk, I am living sober today. It isn't always easy. I have to work hard at staying sober, as hard as it was being an addict day in and day out.
If I stay close to God and people who think like me it gets easier. I have no desire to use today. That is a miracle. I may crave tomorrow but I know what to do before giving into the craving. I call someone who has been through the same hell and pray for help.
Asking for help and surrendering is just the beginning. But sobriety is amazing. Just because you get tanked occasionally doesn't make you like me. Alcoholics know what they are, long before reaching out for help. We think we hide it so well and nobody can see our addiction. We are only fooling ourselves. I was amazed to find out that there were people who had the same crazy thinking I did.
Tonight I will sit back with my wife and daughter with some tasty snacks and Dave Chappelle videos. We will laugh and I will remember the whole night. I will wake up in a dry bed and thank God for giving me another sober today. Happy New Year!
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