'Hi, my name is Tommy and I am a STEP PARENT!' "HI, TOMMY!" Sometimes I think there should be a recovery program for being a stepparent or the child of one. I am both. It has been both the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life, beyond my battle with addiction and recovery.
The word "STEP" in front of the word parent or child is as ridiculous as the term "Holy War," or "Amicable Divorce." The word implies a barrier between the parent and child. It sets up a preconceived foundation of separation between the two. When the word "stepmother" is mentioned the first thing that comes to mind is poor Cinderella being run ragged by hers. As for "stepfather" I think of those horror movies where the guy is all cheesecake and smiles when his wife is in the room and pure evil when he's alone with her child.
My first experiences with a stepparent was when my father remarried when I was 6. I thought his new wife was pretty and polite and she brought along 3 daughters. I was the only boy so I was either the lucky one or the odd man out. There were feelings of envy and jealousy at the thought of sharing my father but I think that is pretty normal for a little kid. I also had a stepfather for a short time and he would be a good candidate for the nasty character I described earlier in this chapter.
After enduring the loss of two children to miscarriage in my previous failed marriages I was angry at God for not giving me a child of my own. I asked over and over and the answer was always no, or so I thought at the time. Little did I know that he had a plan for my life, and when he didn't follow "my" plan, I thought I was getting a raw deal. My father never called his new wife's daughters "step," just daughters. I took note of that early on and it made a lasting impression on me.
When I moved in with Squeaky I have stated that I was "instafather." The position has its advantages and definite disadvantages. When things were great it was, "I love you DA!" When things weren't so good, the ever popular, "You aren't my Dad!" exclamations flew like death darts. I would be less than honest if I didn't point out that I pulled the same trump card early in our marriage with comments like, "YOUR daughter and YOUR son...."
As a parent to my kids I have made lots of mistakes, both drunk and sober. I always will. I am human. There were benefits from my dad once removed, DNA free relationship with my kids. When they were small I told them they had a father and I wasn't trying to replace him. They adopted an affectionate nickname the Irish use instead of "Pa," like we say in America. It was "Da." Any Mick will tell you they are familiar with the term. I told them they could talk to me more like a friend than their dad, but that I was to be respected as the man of the house and their mother's husband.
I was there for Scott's first day of school his first 3 years. I will never forget his adorable look of excitement mixed with a touch of terror as I left him behind on that first day of Kindergarten. My middle daughter, Amanda was, and is close to her father. We had a lot of challenges during our years of growing up together. Now we are the best of friends. Andrea, my oldest calls me Dad and that makes me feel good. Her father has taken little interest in her since she was young. I hope that changes some day. I will be happy to share her with him. She will always be Daddy's little girl to me.
Once Amanda and I were at a doctor's office and a man commented that she looked just like me. We smiled and thanked him for his kind words then laughed our butts off in the car at the congenital comparison. Scott has referred to me as his Da and stepdad, depending on his entourage, and I am comfortable with either title. I know he loves me and I went through those same situations growing up. I was proud to take Andrea to the "Daddy/Daughter" dance her senior year.
Growing up, my relationship with my stepmother was up and down. She was patient and always cordial to me but I could sense her frustration with the fact that I always ran to Daddy when I was in a pinch or needed some money. She was more of the tough love type and I am sure my frequent requests caused disagreements between my father and her. I am grateful that my father helped me and I certainly took advantage of his willingness to help, over and over in my addictive manipulation.
During the time of my father's illness, and the 9 times he was in the hospital the last two years of his life, my second mom and I grew very close. We spoke freely of my addictions and the challenging personality my father could bring to a relationship. She loved him and I could see why he spent his life with her. Today we are close friends and I love her deeply.
If you are a stepparent I feel ya! If you are not, please don't judge us until you have walked a block in our shoes. I do not see my biological daughter as much as I would like to, but that is a story for another day. That will work itself out in God's time. I can say that I have 2 mothers, 4 sisters and 4 kids. There are no "steps" between us.
God often gives us what we want, it's just not the way "we" wanted it. I am blessed to be a second father to my wife's kids and have 2 mothers and 4 sisters. I have adopted my father's policy of no "steps" in between when I speak of any of them. Dad, thanks for the life lesson. I miss you! God, thanks for giving me the children I always begged you for. I have given up on trying to figure you out but am grateful that you understand me.
One of my sons had the same "Oh you look just like your father" experience with one of my boys. My oldest son named his son after his stepfather. My children's stepfather is far from perfect, but he's the one who showed up and cared. Kids don't forget that.
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