In one of my jokes I say that an Atheists' last words are, "I was only kidding." In another I say "I have tried Methodism, Catholicism, Judaism and Buddhism but found the answers to all of life's mysteries in alcoholism." God, The Creator, The Great Spirit, whatever you want to call him/her or it, used to scare me to death. I know this is a personal and taboo subject. I want you to feel comforted in knowing you're just a click away from avoiding this next rant.
In winter 1998 I was living with a prostitute in a crack hotel in beautiful Stone Park, Illinois, a bustling Chicago suburb where a lot of the tax base works for cash. We didn't have a relationship or sex. I wouldn't have sex with a crack head prostitute. She was below me. I was a homeless drunken alcoholic with a legitimate job, making less money than her, but I had morals and boundaries. It was so much easier to see what a loser she was than to take a hard look at myself. I spent considerable time with these so called "lower companions." That way when I was full of booze, and whatever else I could find, I could counsel them about their problems and shortcomings.
I would live in my car for a week then spend a few days in a sleazy motel to clean up and drink up. Then back to the car again. It had no heat but I had to have enough money for my juice. When I did have a room I spent the night wrapped up like a mummy because the cockroaches would be crawling all over my face and body in the dark. I didn't think I had a problem. I had a job for cry sake! I wasn't a whore or dealer. I was educated. I had a B.A. from Columbia Chicago. I was just a man who was just down on his luck. Just before Christmas that year my roommate got arrested and thrown into the county jail on 26th and California. I would get calls from Cook County jail every day. The guard would call asking me to come bail out my girlfriend. Girlfriend! She was a prostitute and crackhead! I would never date a girl like that and since we never had sex she could hardly be called a girlfriend. Besides, I needed my money for booze and not for bailing friends out of jail.
I spent that Christmas alone in my room with the cockroaches. It is the only Christmas I spent alone. I wasn't completely without companionship because I invited my friend Jim Beam over that day. On holidays all earthlings are handed a license to drink. I just drank twice as much as usual. Every day was a drinking holiday for me. There were no calls from family or friends. I had no friends and my family was done watching me die an inch at a time. The lying, stealing, manipulating and broken promises might have played a part also. I didn't look at myself as being a pathetic drunk. I was just a misunderstood, tortured genius.
I talked to God that day. He really freaked me out. Ultimately I thought he just didn't have time for a guy like me. I had been convinced early on that I was going to hell and I figured I would just enjoy the ride before I got there. God to me was pissed off! My visual of Him was like Charlton Heston in Moses. He had lightning bolts in one pocket and plagues in the other. He was not to be trifled with through my little problems. He had bigger things to do like light the earth, cause famines and let little kids die. On bad days I did think He was out to get me. Little ol' me! He put the cosmos to the side and said to Himself, "Hmmm..I think I'll mess with the Connolly kid today." Out of all the billions of people in the world I was sure He was singling me out like a schoolyard bully.
I was convinced there was a God and life on other planets. How could we be the only intelligent life in a universe we can't even measure? Flowers are beautiful and the ocean is vast and awesome. The idea that they happened through coincidence after coincidence was impossible for me to wrap my head around so I spent my time trying to hide from Him whenever possible. When I talked to Him it was as if I was on Santa's lap. "Please let me win the lotto." "Please don't let me get a DUI." "Please let beer be on sale and the candyman be extra giving today." He was an order taker and bail bondsman. I told Him what I was going to do and asked Him to answer my prayers by tricks. "If you want me to stop drinking make The Beatles, "Nowhere Man" come on the radio." "If you think I should quit my job make this light I'm approaching turn green."
Ultimately I thought He just didn't have any use or influence in my life. I thought He only gave me crap. Looking back at the accidents that did and didn't happen, the trouble I got into or out of and the pain He put me through then delivered me from, I know He was there all the time...
Thanks Tommy!
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