Conquer A City And You're King...Conquer Yourself And You're Free...

By relating my visit to the loony bin and attempted exodus from this mortal toil, I shared one of my deepest secrets and unshakable regrets. I probably won't be getting any junk mail trying to sell me life insurance in the near future. If any of my doctors saw the blog they probably rushed back to their office to see what I checked off in the suicide and mental health issues categories on my patient history.

I usually end my chapters on a positive note. I like to provide hope for those who suffer from these brutal conditions and help their loved ones understand the way I think as an addict in recovery. I also like to stress that you are not alone whether suffering as, or with, an addict. There are recovery groups for virtually every kind of support a person needs. Check the newspaper or Internet in your area. One of the hardest things for me as an addict and depression sufferer is asking for help or sharing my pain when I am in the middle of it. But if I don't reach out my hand no one else can lend me theirs.

I don't want to bother my loved ones with my feelings knowing I spent so many years not taking their feelings into consideration. I don't want people to think I'm nuts even though I have a 'thanks for visiting' card from Hinsdale Hospital's psych ward. In recovery it isn't any easier to talk than when I was using. It's harder. When I put mind altering chemicals into my body the filter is removed between my brain and my mouth. I say exactly what I think no matter what damage it causes. It makes me think of that commercial where Abe Lincoln's wife asks him if her dress makes her bottom look big. When I was high I would say something coy but cutting like, "define big." I couldn't control it. It just spilled out. In recovery I often don't know how to explain how I feel because having real feelings is so new.

Part of the recovery process involves making reparations to people for the damage you have caused. To the addict it helps remove the baggage, remorse, guilt and shame that helped justify the highs and keep the madness rolling. The ultimate goal is to make peace with those we have hurt and make peace with ourselves and lighten the burden of being us.

I have tried to make these reparations to those I have harmed. Some of my confessions of responsibility have been met with amicable results. Some of them have fallen on deaf ears. Others opened up old wounds long forgotten. Many people dismissed my pleas having forgotten the issue altogether. When that happens I realize that in some instances my behaviors have not created the lifetime of anguish I supposed it did. I have also made some reparations that I considered insignificant only to find out that my actions had a huge impact on the person I had harmed. In either case, I have learned that everyone sees the world differently. What wounds one, bounces right off another and is unique to each of us.

When I got to this point in my sobriety I wanted the world to forgive me and pardon me of all my sins. I was sober after all! Look at me, I'm sober! To an earthling the quick reply would be, "So what. So am I." It is funny that once I was sober I wanted to be acknowledged for being a good husband and father, worker and friend, neighbor and citizen. All of these things that a non-addict has done so easily and faithfully for their entire lives is completely alien to the addict.

In my using days, if I received a bill saying I owed ten dollars to someone I would see it as an injustice and spend twenty dollars on booze or whatever to express my disdain for them trying to take my money. For me being "normal" is completely abnormal behavior! It gets easier as long as I stay sober but it is a daily challenge. When I was living my life in the total insanity of addiction, my mind warped itself into a new perception of normalcy. It had to keep the party going by convincing me that wrong was right.

There are things I have done in my life as an addict and human that I regret to the point of nausea. I can not change them. None of us can change yesterday no matter how badly we wish we could. The horror of my past behaviors and fear of the future kept me from living in the moment. To my addicted self the thought of feeling now was impossible. When I get into a dark yesterday or fretful tomorrow, I can't sit there long. I have to live my life from day to day. Sometimes moment to moment. Obsession is just as a ferocious foe to the recovering addict as the active user. If I sit in that spot too long my sobriety and life become jeopardized.

I take full responsibility for 50% of every relationship I have or have had with every human I have crossed paths with and will meet farther down the road. By living in today I see all the beauty and the challenges that right now offers. All we have is right now! Whether you're an addict or a Mormon our lives can change or end in an instant. I enjoy today. I let yesterday go and I'll face tomorrow if the good Lord sees fit to wake me up.