Ah ha! You thought I went out and got drunk last night! No I did not. In sobriety it was just another day. It is funny when a family member or friend knows you are in recovery they feel an obligation to ask if "I mind" that they have a drink. Nobody asks me when I'm on a diet if "I mind" if they eat a donut. I assure you that if I know you have a shell fish allergy and we are at a holiday party, I will feel no guilt grabbing the chubby mollusk and dragging it through some cocktail sauce on the way to my big mouth.
It is courteous and appreciated, but if I wanted to get drunk or high, I would instantly switch into "McHighver" and find a way to get wasted. If I were on a deserted island and wanted to get drunk, I would find some coconut milk and monkey piss to ferment and make a sweet island cocktail. That is the deliberate obsession when an addict wants to use. Rationalizing the need, formulating the plan, attaining the resources, and getting away from the people who would frown upon us for using is the equation for doing the deed.
I want to stress again I am not anti-alcohol. I am not mightier than thou! I wish I could have a drink like normal folk. But for me there is no such thing as "a drink." The only thing guaranteed after the first drink is lots more of them. If I don't have the first, I don't need to worry about the 56th.
The hangover I have is that of the racing thoughts, obsessions and unrealistic expectations I put on holidays and every day for that fact. I question my gift selections, the wrapping, the traffic getting to our destination and the safe return home. I have the expressions of approval of each gift recipient acted out in my mind and my courteous, humble acknowledgement to their gratitude for receiving it.
Unrealistic expectations are a one-two punch for me with addiction issues and depression issues. It is a plain and simple fact that no one, especially me, can meet my expectations because they are unattainable. If you were to ask me what my expectations for me were, it is perfection and nothing short of that. That is why the obsessive person tends to be frustrated a lot. I could not write out specifically what goals I am trying to reach in my life. I do know if I'll never meet them. My mind sets up goals and ideals for me that are always just out of reach.
It is impossible for any of us to know how people will react. My reactions don't properly match the situation I am experiencing. That is what a racing misfiring mind offers. I can remember going to a funeral for an aunt and having zero emotion at her death. Nothing! Zip! My critical mind then questioned if I was some kind of heartless, head case because of my lack of feelings. I cared for her and I was going to miss her.
On the way home from the service, a sparrow flew into the grill of my 1973 AMC Javelin. I pulled over and extricated the lifeless body from the chrome screen and sat there weeping for 10 minutes at the demise of the tiny creature. It was just a bird, not a blood relative. I, however, processed it as a catastrophe and injustice! I felt guilt for driving my car in that place at that moment. I took out the "hit me stick" and whacked away at myself, weeping all the way for taking the breath from one of God's miraculous creations.
On a previous Christmas, when my son was about 6, he wanted a remote control dinosaur. I was a man possessed going from store to store, rabid with the focus that I would find the gift my son so wanted at any expense. I found the item after several hours and several mall trips. I felt quiet satisfaction picturing his elation as he ripped open the treasure I had found for him. On that morning my heart was racing as he reached for the magical box. Ripping the paper feverishly from the booty I presented him, he quietly uttered, "Wow, cool," and cast the dinosaur to the side and grabbed a foam football I picked up as an afterthought gift. I was devastated, angry and confounded at his reaction. I had played the scene of him leaping into my arms dozens of times before that fateful morning. My day was ruined and I moped around for the day thinking only of my feelings
Today we have Christmas with my side of the family. We are a complicated bunch, to say the least. It will be enjoyable and quietly subdued. I will "think" my way through what I say and have my feelings bruised somewhere along the way. These get togethers were a source of pain for years. It is easier now and gets less traumatic with each visit. Our history together has been challenging and we all suffer from some residual pain from the events of the past.
If I have no preconceived notion of what people say or do, there can be no frustration when the action and outcome don't align. Family is family. I can remember saying to my mother one time in anger, "You are not the mom I wanted!" It was a horrible and cutting remark, but liquid courage had welled up in me when I spat such vile words. Her reply shocked me into sobriety and I will never forget it. She replied, "Did you ever think that maybe you're not the son I wanted?" The words hit the bulls eye and started me on the road of acceptance.
Today I will keep my lofty expectations for a "Rockwell" moment out of my mind's eye. I will just go with the flow. I will enjoy my time with loved ones and accept everyone as being just the way they are supposed to be. That will guarantee me a happier day, a quieter mind and gratitude for sharing another day of life on planet earth where each day is a gift.
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