The American Heritage Dictionary-Second Edition defines depression as "Deep sadness or melancholy". It also lists the definition I relate to most as, "...a psychotic or neurotic condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia and feelings of dejection and guilt". Another entry sites "A reduction in activity and force". Depression is a condition that millions of people suffer from, mostly undiagnosed. Many more people, "earthlings," as I call them, misunderstand the condition and the very word itself. I am not an expert on the subject but I have been diagnosed as suffering from it.
The word "depression" usually conjures up the picture of the sufferer sitting alone in a dark room, listening to Eric Carmen's 1970's one hit wonder "All By Myself", weeping at the thought of another day of existence while scribbling on a sheet of paper with a crayon "I hate everything". It can be that and something quite different for me and many others. It has been my experience that addicts suffer from some form of depression and don't even realize it because, like addiction itself, depression is a dynamic ever-changing and subtle foe.
Being a comedian and actor, most people would say that they would never believe in a zillion years that I suffered from depression. How could I? I am usually bouncing off the walls with wacky antics and one-liners flying and a perma-smile radiating from my face. I can be the life of the party and the eternal optimist.
Every one of us has had those days when a really lame song gets stuck in our heads and we sing it over and over wishing the music would stop. To an addict or depression sufferer, this condition is taken to the enth degree. We add many more swirling relentless thoughts and obsessions, worry, panic and anxiety into the mix.
I drank and used in an attempt to stop the madness of being stuck inside me. My mind runs 500 miles an hour most of the time. Most addicts are of high intelligence which is somewhat of an oxymoron. We use because the internal chaos can be so overwhelming that we seek temporary relief from ourselves. Stop my mind I want to get off!
When I was using I would be bombarded with a barrage of thoughts and feeling before I even slipped out of bed. Beyond the remorse, headache, shame and despair, the song of the day would begin playing for the first time of what would be a thousand that day. I would be gripped by the fear of what the day would bring. The regrets and unfulfilled dreams would jab at me. I would spend 99% of my time thinking about things that had a 1% chance of happening. I would run through the conversations line by line of what I would say to certain people and their response to me as if I knew how they were going to go. I would think of a vacation, review a movie I just saw, slay a few dragons and plan what I would do for my retirement in the span of just a few moments. But it wasn't for just those few moments. These obsessive, broken record thoughts played over and over until I could take no more and pick up.
Bi-polar Disorder or Manic Depression are the formal terms. I have also suffered from massive panic attacks, 3 of which landed me in the emergency room, absolutely convinced I was going to die. The word itself is a pretty fair description. I was either the life of the party or shrinking violet in the corner of my life. Being undiagnosed for years I self-medicated to slow things down. I did not have the ability to live my life in the middle, balanced between these two extreme moods. Boredom to an addict is absolutely punishing. When things were balanced I felt the impulse to start some trouble or make something happen to stimulate my mind
I don't live that way today. I take medication to keep my balance and it's working. I still suffer from the occasional panic attack but have tools to slow my mind down and stop the feelings of impending doom. My panic doesn't come when I am performing in a room full of people. It comes when I am all alone with my thoughts. I hope for the day when I will be off the meds but it's okay for now. I am not drinking or using. As a matter of fact today is my 23rd month of chemical free sobriety. It is the longest I have been completely clean since I was 17.
These are my experiences. I like to point out that there are often grammatical errors and misspellings because I post my first draft. I do not edit or add to. That way I know it's from the heart and not my drama loving mind. When your foot hurts you go to the foot doctor and think nothing of it. When you have a toothache a call is made to the dentist. When our "minds" hurt we are afraid to reach out for help because society says that means we are crazy. I am willing to go to a doctor who helps me with my thoughts and thinking. My recovery group also teaches me ways to cope. My God relieves me of my anxieties if I let him. Today! Just for today the hamster in my mind isn't on the wheel going a 100 miles an hour and getting nowhere. Today I am okay being me and with me. Tomorrow it may be different. But I will deal with tomorrow when I get there.
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