Scaring Away The Legends of Comedy in Three Easy Clicks... or "icks"

"When you take away the alcohol from an alcoholic you still have the 'ic'". Or "I gave up alcohol but the 'ism' is with me forever". These are two of the many catch phrases I have heard when I talk to people in recovery. They both apply to me because I still carry around a boatload of 'ic' and my 'isms' might just kill me! At the very least they still cause pain and discomfort to my loved ones, friends and myself.

In my blog I have shared some of the pain of addiction and the joy of recovery. I try to end each entry with a message of hope or a nugget of wisdom for the reader to chew on while waiting for my next post. I started writing this babble to reach out and inspire others, but in reality maybe it is to help cleanse ME! One of my favorite phrases is that recovering from alcoholism is no alcohol but I'm Still Me.

The "I'm Still Me" will be with me forever. I tell people that the only person you are guaranteed to wake up with every morning is you! If I get right with me, and God I will be able to get right with those I have walked over along the way. If I have created the impression that after you stop using everything is grand, I have done you a horrible disservice.

When you put down the "candy" that has been your crutch for years you are left naked and shivering in a world you spent so much time trying to avoid. The feelings and emotions you tried so hard to run from are bigger and bolder than ever. You no longer have the shelter and escape from your feelings or that instant ability to check out of yourself. Everything is real! The first few months after I stopped drinking were pure hell for me, my wife, my kids and everyone around me.

I understand all too well that addiction is a selfish disease. It is not the selfish we know as not sharing our cookies and crayons. It is an obsession with oneself. These selfish characteristics often contradict each other. I know I could be labeled as having a big ego. I use that mask so the outside world doesn't see just how little I think of myself.

When I get scared I get angry. When my kids were younger I was angry a lot. They saw anger, not my desire to protect and keep them from harm. When they did something that could cause them harm or injury to others I got scared inside. On the outside I was angry. I never could understand why the world did not judge me by my intentions. My intentions were usually pretty decent but my actions usually weren't pretty. As a kid, that's difficult to wrap the melon around.

Another one of my personality problems is my all-or-nothing mentality. I am either balls to the wall in a project or relationship or I'm disengaged and idle. There is no middle ground. If I can't do it perfect I would rather not try at all. My fear of failure or even success has kept me from taking a chance on so many things the universe has opened up to me. My ability to float in a sink or swim society is just not there.

Since I returned to comedy and acting in October I have switched into the balls to the wall gear. I have done more comedy gigs in the last 2 months than I did in the last two years. I have worked on 2 TV series and 2 movies. I started this blog and I'm still looking for a full time job. My drive to catch up for all the days I missed in la-la land has set me into hyper drive!

When I began to start writing my comedy again I became friends with some legendary comedians and touring comics through social networking and Facebook. My first friend hook-up was Tom Dreesen. Dreesen is a pioneer of comedy going back to his work with Tim Reid. He opened for Sinatra for years and still tours regularly doing comedy and motivational speaking. His frequent appearances on Letterman are hilarious and priceless. The second was David Brenner, a true original, author, talk show host and "Tonight Show" appearance record holder. Billy Connolly defriended me after request number one.

As soon as these two gracious, comic gurus responded to my messages my addictive personality hit them like a frontal assault. "Can you critique my jokes?" "Can you review my videos?" "Can you help me find an agent?" "Can you send me a signed photo?" "Can you give me a quote?" With each response I demanded more from them. I was relentless in trying to suck their comic knowledge from them like a vulture sucking marrow from a roadside kill. First they were accommodating, then distant and then gone.

I was so wrapped up in my drive for success and hunger for insights that I lost focus of them and their lives. These guys do more gigs and charity work in a month than most of us do in a lifetime! I expected them to drop everything and entertain my never ending requests. My "isms" were exposed like an open wound oozing with selfishness! My career! My needs, my, my, my!

The more sober I get the more alcoholic I see that I am. I just don't drink. I'm getting better but am still sick with self. I had something good but like addiction me, me, me and more, more, more became more important than the other people in my orbit.

Last night I bought autographed pictures of the two icons on EBay just like any fan would. They gave me alot but it was never enough! I got rid of the alcohol but I still have to work on my "ic".