In a previous chapter I mentioned that I spent Christmas in 1998 alone, drunk, lost and covered in cock roaches, wishing God would end my life. Boy how times have changed! It is 10:30 pm here in Plainfield. I am sitting at my coffee table with my back just 20 feet from the attached garage where I tried to force his hand at my exit and he chose to let me live.
Fabian, my black Lab, and Grace, my Pekingese, are laying by my wife, who is sawing logs on the couch across from me. My son Scotty, or Bro as I call him, is in bed or more likely killing zombies on Xbox. Cooter, my yellow Lab, is laying near the bedroom of my eldest daughter, Ange and keeping watch over that part of the house. Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse.
I have so much to be thankful for on this Christmas. This is the 12th Christmas with my pre-made family. 2010 has been rough with the death of my Dad, putting down my Pug Ruby, having a cancer scare, losing my job and trying to get through all of that sober. Those life challenges are what we all face and for an addict with depression issues, it feels great that I have friends who help me deal with things sober minded. I have finally realized I can do very little alone.
As I write I am comfortable being me right now. It isn't like that every day. The face that stares back at me sometimes bugs me. But I can look myself in the eye. I can look at others in the eye. When I was using I would look at me and others then quickly redirect my gaze. The amazing thing is that the better I get along with me, the better I get along with the world around me.
Even when I was using I got flashes of peace, especially on Christmas Eve. Did you ever notice how quiet it gets outside around midnight? As a kid I would look at the nativity scene and be fascinated and uplifted at the story of Jesus' birth. If you haven't experienced it open a door and listen to the sounds of silence. It seems to me that for a few moments the noise and commotion of the world gets muted. I can feel a tinge of "Peace on Earth." I can feel the good of the universe edging out the bad in that rare and precious moment.
I am so grateful that in 1998 God said no to my pleas. I am so grateful that God said not yet in 2004. I am so very humbled at the friends I have found in you and the many people I have met on the set or on the stage. It feels comfortable and I almost feel normal. Normal isn't a word thrown in my direction very often.
I don't know what stands in the road of my life between now and next Christmas, or between tonight and tomorrow, for that matter. I do know I can face life sober. It feels good to feel! It feels amazing to have emotions instead of living emotionally. I have learned from my ghosts of Christmas and May Day's past that God does answer our prayers. It isn't always when we demand the answer. It is in his time.
I have also learned that sometimes, when I ask for what I want, God says NO! I have also been blessed with a God who gives me everything and more than I really need. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all. I am glad I have, God, you, family, friends, sobriety and HOPE in my life tonight. Happy Birthday Jesus and I hope some of you join me outside in a short while to hear the sounds of silence ringing in your ear. Peace! God it's Good to be alive.
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