Depression Makes Me... Laugh...Cry...Numb...and...ME!

Depression makes me laugh. What? You thought I was gonna say it makes me sad. Right? It does sometimes. There are times it makes me cry, get obsessive-compulsive, angry or giddy. On other occasions it makes me isolate or dread being alone. I dislike the word depression "sufferer." There are few moments that I suffer from my depression. There are trying times. Every so often I have a difficult day or two.

I usually speak about the triumphs and tribulations of sobriety, addiction and recovery. I don't speak enough about the world of depression. I'm not an expert on it. I live with it, and in it. A friend of mine, who's a county politician, messaged me this morning troubled with how stigmatized addiction and depression is in our society. I told her I was going to be addressing that very thing today.

I was first diagnosed bi-polar in March of 1999 when I checked myself into Hinsdale Hospital for rehab. I have since been rediagnosed as having an anxiety and panic disorder with bi-polar tendencies. My work in recovery and with a therapist has been effective in helping me MANAGE my CONDITION. I have a chemical imbalance that requires medication to stabilize my mood. I am grateful to say that over the last three years I have gone from four pills a day, to two at bedtime. I hope I get to a point when I need no medication at all. The chemical imbalance is a part of life as ME. It's kinda like the fact that I'm left handed in a right handed world. I have learned to MANAGE and ADAPT.

Bi-Polar used to be called Manic Depressive. That's a beauty! To define what I have is difficult. Simply stated I am attracted to both male and female Arctic people.  Traditionally defined, I have really high-highs and really low-lows emotionally. Most folks spend their time in the emotional middle and spike up or down. I tend to be at one of the polar extremes and have to work towards the emotional middle. My chemical receptors and plugs have a problem lining up just right. It's a bit like a car that needs a new set of wires. The car runs but it misfires.  A lot of addicts use because they have some form of depression or chemical imbalance. We self medicate because we can't cope with racing thoughts, mood swings or can't process our feelings that aren't fitting the picture. This is me.

I often have the wrong emotional response for the situation that is occurring. The world sees my actions not my intentions. When my Aunt Dora died we drove down to Carlisle, Indiana for her funeral. I was about 15 or so. My grandfather was cracking jokes about her in the family lounge. I was laughing like George Carlin was sitting next to me. Tears were rolling down my face. I was clearly boisterous and obnoxious. I didn't KNOW HOW to cope with my feelings over the death. I vented through my laughter.

 As White Sox announcer Ken " Hawk" Harrelson says, "right size, wrong shape." It was inappropriate behavior for a funeral. I was depressed and was in a high on my emotional meter. I was in a manic moment. Rightfully, my mother scolded me for my actions. I retreated into a corner feeling as if I had done something horribly wrong. It wasn't that my feelings were wrong. Our feelings are OUR FEELINGS, and are neither right or wrong. My actions were improper for a wake. I couldn't find the middle on how to react to my Aunt's death. When my HIGH reaction was inappropriate I slipped down to the low. Emotional Middle Earth was elusive for me.

I started to drink and use because I couldn't cope with my thoughts and feelings not aligning.  I felt misunderstood all the time. Sometimes I still do. It's been said that addicts are overly sensitive people. It's not surprising to me when I see us dually diagnosed. It does sting a little when I hear people say addicts have no feelings. WE FEEL EVERYTHING! That is a large part of our problem. We feel compassion when a butterfly farts! When you mix a chemical imbalance into an addictive personality KABOOM! Catastrophe is down right inevitable. It is a perfect recipe for self-destruction. However, once we get armed with the facts about WHAT WE ARE and WHO WE ARE there's hope.

The key to SURVIVING addiction and depression is reaching out for help. As an addict and a person who has wondered if I was going out of my mind I know that is a bitter pill to swallow. The thought of approaching someone about being crazy is nuts! No it's not. It's your only hope. You have to have hope. Even when your sitting under that rock. You're not crazy! You're just a little nuts!

When I addressed my alcohol and addiction issues I was having multiple panic attacks daily. Once I found out my wires were crossed I felt better. I WAS NOT ALONE. Panic attacks suck! The ones' Tony Soprano had were a party! I felt like I was gonna DIE every day! DAY AFTER DAY! That's not living. That's existing until you're finally right!

I saw a couple of noodle professionals. I  eventually found one I was comfortable with. This is not like picking out bagels! Take your time. DO RESEARCH. LEARN. EDUCATE YOURSELF. The more you learn about your melon the less you'll feel your losing your seeds! It isn't the end of the world. It opened me up to my life again. I have not had a full blown attack in over a year. I now recognize my symptoms and know I'm not going to die. To be safe I also don't let ducks raise their young in our backyard.



General public, earthlings and pundits, PLEASE don't judge what you do not understand. Chemical imbalance doesn't mean crazy. An addict doesn't have a morality problem. If it were as easy as "just stopping" ...we would. When it comes to depression, if it were as easy as, "just snapping out of it"...we'd do that too....

BLUE......An Addict or Depression Sufferer's Favorite Color!

Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone. I need some time to myself. I'm just gonna chill tonight. I'm just tired today. I don't want to talk about it right now. There's nothing wrong, I just want to be by myself. All of these are favorites I use on family, friends and loved ones when I am in a depression. It is also a warning sign or a cry for help from someone suffering from depression or addiction and recovery.

"9 out of 10 addicts and depression sufferers' favorite color is BLUE! The last one's favorite is dark blue!" For the last week or so my favorite color has been BLUE. If I don't stop isolating, it will quickly turn to DARK BLUE! Then I am in the danger zone. There is quiet solitude and there is also intentional isolation. Suffering from both depression and addiction, isolation is the first "friend" I turn to when I'm feeling BLUE.

Suffering from depression really makes me sad sometimes. It is particularly frustrating when someone says "Why are you so down?" and I honestly don't have an answer for them. There is no answer because I don't know myself. A person with depression can be sitting on their own private island, with a winning lottery ticket and Beyonce rubbing their feet and feel like crap. Depression is misunderstood by the sufferer and those around him.

Before I started writing this blog today I did some Internet research on "famous" people who suffered from depression or other forms of mental illness. I hate that phrase MENTAL ILLNESS! It implies that my brain has typhoid fever or malaria and I'm going to spread it around the whole village or go postal and wipe everyone out! No! I have a "chemical imbalance" in my noodle. The feel good chemicals up there just aren't produced as effectively in me as in "normal" people. Can I stop and say that "normal" people scare the hell out of me? I always think they're hiding something, like bodies under their family room.

I always hear things like "You're so funny, how can you be sad?" My favorite is,"How can you be a comic and suffer from depression?" Those questions make me cringe because my guess is as good as yours. Try these ones on for size. Jim Carrey suffers from depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Additional "funny people" who suffer from some form of depression are Drew Cary, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, Drew Barrymore, Tracy Ullman, Roseanne Barr, Spike Mulligan, Jonathon Winters and Louis Anderson. The Louis Anderson "funny" reference is subject to reader interpretation.

"Funny people" aren't the only high profile people who suffer from these conditions. It has no prejudice or favorite "type" to grab on to. Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Teddy Roosevelt, Vincent Van Gogh and my favorite Beatle, John Lennon, all suffered with depression issues. There were a total of 244 people listed on the celebrity menu of depression sufferers which I am referencing from Google. Those folks seemed to get around it and push forward. That is what we must do also. It does give me some comfort in knowing that there is a thin line between artistic genius and insanity. I'm not sure which side of that equation I fall. It just feels good knowing that I'm not alone.

"Alone!" "Now there's the rub!" When I am in a funk I want to be left alone. During those down times, while you see sunshine, I complain about the glare. Where you see a beautiful snow covered hill, I see the filthy slush on my street. While you see the wonders of the Chicago skyline, I see the garbage in the alleys. The need to be alone occasionally is important for anyone. To a person like me it can only be implemented for a short time or I will slip from "light blue" to "Dark Blue" to BLACK.

Nothing gets me out of a depression or funk better than forgetting about myself. Sitting alone listening to John Coltrane seems like a good idea but it leaves me alone with me! I have proven to myself over and over again that there are few things in this world that I can overcome ALONE. In recovery it means attending more recovery meetings and calling fellow addicts. It means turning off the Coltrane and turning up the Ramones! It means taking an interest in things outside of my mind intentionally. Sometimes I have to force it. I have to make myself engage with other people.

Knowledge is power, so I've heard, and by golly I believe it! As addicts and/or depression sufferers we tend to focus on the emotional side of our condition and try to figure ourselves out. I have made it my mission to learn about my conditions from a medical and psychologically objective point of view. The more I know about why I tick the way I do, the easier it is to push past the funk. I used to analyze myself to death. Now, knowing the symptoms, triggers and SOLUTIONS to dealing effectively with my conditions, makes it easier to be me. I can experience negativity or downward depression and be confident that it is going to pass. I don't have to buy into the "woe is me" mentality and go for the whole miserable depressive ride!

Surrender and acceptance of exactly who I am is the start to making peace with my conditions. I am not a crazy drunken baby anymore. I am a person who suffers from a chemical imbalance which I see a doctor for. I take medication to rebalance the chemicals in my melon. I go to places where there are other people just like me, who understand me and can help me through situations I can't handle alone. I have a family, loved ones and friends who I can share my feelings with. I have a God whom I can turn to at anytime and ask him to help me through whatever I am experiencing and be confident that he will show me the way through it. Every obstacle and challenge I face no longer has to be a catastrophe as long as I am willing to reach out for help from someone else.

I'm The One with Depression and Anxiety! So Why Are You So Uncomfortable? #2

Please remember I am not speaking as an expert or doctor. These are my observations, experiences and opinions on the subject. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life. Originally diagnosed as Bi-Polar, I am now classified as having depression, panic attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For those of you who suffer from these conditions, it makes me sad! Sorry, I couldn't resist a depression joke laid at my feet. It's a comedian thing. I take medication on a carefully maintained schedule and visit a clinical nurse practitioner several times a year to review my progress and correct dosages as needed. This is a shout out to Dr. T! You gave me my life back! Dr. T is a made up term like "Doctor Love," as sung by Kiss.

For the last two years of my drinking I was suffering from panic attacks. When I was younger I thought that these attacks were a figment of the imagination or a cry for attention. I have been enlightened over these last few years and have learned to keep them manageable with the help of Dr T. I also did a lot of research on the subject on my own. It is my feeling that the more I know about my conditions, the more I can recognize their symptoms and can take positive steps to reduce or prevent their full blown onset.

In college, the mother of one of my friends suffered from panic attacks. We would prepare to leave for church or a predetermined destination and set out on our trip. On a few occasions she would begin to turn pale and shout, "Stop the car I want to go home!" She was in complete hysterics. I was uneducated on these dramatic outbreaks and would sit silently thinking, she just didn't want to go and creating the drama was her way out. To that person I am sorry for my insensitive, ill informed conclusions. I wish I knew then what I know now about panic and the debilitating effect it can have on a person.

I was a huge "Soprano's" fan. Who can forget the panic episodes of Tony lying by the pool or collapsing in his shrink's office certain he was dying? Some probably thought to themselves that he was just having a nervous breakdown or feeling the guilt about his career activities. That is not the case. There is no medical condition formally referred to as a nervous breakdown. There are psychological irregularities and chemical imbalances that can cause a person to have a depression or anxiety induced episode.

If you have someone in your life who suffers from panic, or you have it yourself, don't dismiss it as being drama or nerves. A panic attack is in the mind of the sufferer but it presents itself in physical symptoms. For me those symptoms have included: a feeling of impending doom, an inability to breathe, a racing heartbeat, flushing or clammy skin, tunnel vision, shaking and most usually a feeling that I was gonna freak out in front of everybody or make a mad dash for the exit of wherever I was at the time.

Panic attacks can lead to heart attacks and even death. That's not mental! That's as physical as it gets! When someone has diabetes we don't look at them and say to ourselves, "Look there goes the diabetic kid." When we know that someone has a mental condition we think and say things like,"That dude is nuts," or "I heard that chick's crazy." How unfair and unrealistic. For the reader that falls into that camp, I can assure you if you ever experience a full onset panic attack, you will never forget it.

The American psyche is the most open-minded in the world. But when it comes to conditions like depression and panic disorder we remain stuck in "the world is flat" mentality. We think nothing of the man who takes a pill to help him when the "situation is just right." We condone the use of sleep medications for those with insomnia as a necessary helper to cope with our frenetic lifestyle. Medication for osteoporosis is hawked as being practical and we smile at the thought of Grandma having strong bones and a straight spine. But when we hear of someone reaching out for help for depression or anxiety, mental pictures of a cuckoo going in and out of a clock fill our minds. This stigma and dogma-like approach to those suffering make them fear reaching out for help and is closed minded nonsense. There is nothing more frustrating to me when experiencing a bout with depression than when someone chimes in with a quip like, "Why don't you just snap out of it?" WOW! I never thought of that! Thanks, Mr. Peters!

No one wants to think of themselves as crazy. We aren't! There are few that embrace the pain of those suffering from these conditions because of their own fears of being labeled as "the guy married to the nutty wife." If your eye hurts, go to an ophthalmologist. If your foot, hurts go to a podiatrist. If your mind seems off kilter, go to a psychologist or medical professional whose area of expertise is the mind.

Many people use alcohol and drugs to mask or relieve underlying conditions of depression and anxiety. This prescription is a temporary fix and can lead to further physical and psychological complications. I had gone through enough pain and feelings of doom and insanity that I was more than ready to seek help for my inner turmoil. Today my panic, anxiety and depression are controllable. They may never go away but I can live effectively with them now.

I started seeing Dr. T a few months into my sobriety. We experimented with different medications until the right formula was created to make living my life normally a possibility. It is not always easy. I have down days and feel the build of anxiety that precede a panic attack occasionally. The difference is that anxiety doesn't dominate my day or paralyze me from participating in it to the fullest. By embracing the truth of my depression and anxiety, like I have my alcoholism, it gives me great relief to know that I am not a nutty bar. I just have a chemical imbalance that medication can rebalance. I am not condoning or condemning prescription therapy, especially self-prescribed medical therapy. I just want to let you know that you're not alone and relief can be found with outside help. Once again YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE!

In the 2 years that I have been in depression and anxiety therapy my life has gone to places I never thought possible. I have done comedy from New Orleans to Chicago, I have appeared in 2 TV series and 2 movies. I have started this blog and am a contributor on a radio show. That is not braggadocio. It is a testimony to the endless possibilities that facing my depression has opened up to me. Today I know I'm not crazy. I seek help when I need it and I can live peaceably with myself and others. The war in my mind is over. I survived the battle. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. It will save your mind and maybe even your life.

My Thoughts Are Racing And I Can't Catch Up To Them....Panic Attack Preview! (3 minutes Inside Me)

WARNING: You are about to enter my mind! If you are prone to motion sickness you might want to reconsider before boarding...

I've fallen asleep on the couch reading a book by Uta Hagen. I am just on the edge of consciousness because I rarely get deep sleep and when I sleep I am easily woken. The sound of a mouse fart will sit me up straight, wide eyed and mind racing. Since the passing of my sweet friend Debbie, my racing mind is kicking up the RPM's. There is no punctuation in my mind. There will be little here.

I shake from my delicate slumber as my Lab is nudging my arm. He needs to go out. What time is it? Only 1:05? I'm not getting up until four! Damn dog! "LA Woman, LA Woman!" You know he only wakes you when he "really" has to go! "LA Woman, LA Woman." She was only 43! Come on guys lets go out! Why her? Make it quick boys! Come on! "Grace stay out of the deep snow! They better not wake up my Squeaky. She's getting up in 3 hours. "Ridin, Ridin..." Hurry up Grace! I wonder if she was in pain. Don't forget their treats. Am I afraid to die? "LA Woman, LA Woman." Grace needs a grooming. Quiet! Quiet! "I did a little dot about an hour ago..." What should I wear to the service? What should I wear when I've died? I wonder if a lot of people will come to my funeral. She was only 43! I'm 45! SHHHH, you guys go back to bed. "ridin, ridin...ridin, ridin. I wonder if death hurts. I have to mail out submissions tomorrow. Grace you have snow all over you! Cooter you're a good girl! What was that feeling in my chest just now? A heart attack! I'm gonna die right here in the kitchen! "which way the wind blows," Lord don't let me die here! Not now! Grandpa was 39 when he died of a grabber. I look just like him. Maybe I'll just wear a sweater and Dockers! "La Woman, LA Woman..." Check your pulse. Just put two fingers up to the side of your throat! No more treats! You guys are done for the night. God I love you! "Ridin, Ridin..." I have got to get more sleep! My pulse seems normal. Wait was that an irregular heartbeat! Man I hate this cold weather! She was so cool. I think I'll be cremated. Those submissions should be sent to the agents by certified mail! "Ridin, Ridin." What if the kids die before me? If I do die Lord let it be quick! Squeaky is gonna be a mess! How will she get through it? The service starts at 3 pm. I will leave the house at 2:45. "Well I did a little dot about an hour ago." I still have a couple hours to sleep. I better put an aspirin on the coffee table in case I do have a heart attack! Aspirin is supposed to help. I remember when we went to the banquet with her! "Ridin, Ridin.." I love her and miss her. I wonder if people will miss me. A sweater is cool! I need to pay my respects, not interview for a job! "woooooooh." Now I think my heart is beating too slow! Check your neck again! "LA Woman, LA Woman. It's only 1:08. Go lay down guys. Grace you are looking pudgy! I should put you guys on a diet! Maybe it's just her long hair. I think I'll be cremated in my Lennon shirt. No the Dylan! If I have a heart attack now, will I still be alive when my wife wakes? I'm gonna take the aspirin now just in case. I gotta get up in a couple hours! "LA Woman, LA Woman..." It's 1:08!

Depression Or Stop My Mind I Want To Get Off!

The American Heritage Dictionary-Second Edition defines depression as "Deep sadness or melancholy". It also lists the definition I relate to most as, "...a psychotic or neurotic condition characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia and feelings of dejection and guilt". Another entry sites "A reduction in activity and force". Depression is a condition that millions of people suffer from, mostly undiagnosed. Many more people, "earthlings," as I call them, misunderstand the condition and the very word itself. I am not an expert on the subject but I have been diagnosed as suffering from it.

The word "depression" usually conjures up the picture of the sufferer sitting alone in a dark room, listening to Eric Carmen's 1970's one hit wonder "All By Myself", weeping at the thought of another day of existence while scribbling on a sheet of paper with a crayon "I hate everything". It can be that and something quite different for me and many others. It has been my experience that addicts suffer from some form of depression and don't even realize it because, like addiction itself, depression is a dynamic ever-changing and subtle foe.

Being a comedian and actor, most people would say that they would never believe in a zillion years that I suffered from depression. How could I? I am usually bouncing off the walls with wacky antics and one-liners flying and a perma-smile radiating from my face. I can be the life of the party and the eternal optimist.

Every one of us has had those days when a really lame song gets stuck in our heads and we sing it over and over wishing the music would stop. To an addict or depression sufferer, this condition is taken to the enth degree. We add many more swirling relentless thoughts and obsessions, worry, panic and anxiety into the mix.

I drank and used in an attempt to stop the madness of being stuck inside me. My mind runs 500 miles an hour most of the time. Most addicts are of high intelligence which is somewhat of an oxymoron. We use because the internal chaos can be so overwhelming that we seek temporary relief from ourselves. Stop my mind I want to get off!

When I was using I would be bombarded with a barrage of thoughts and feeling before I even slipped out of bed. Beyond the remorse, headache, shame and despair, the song of the day would begin playing for the first time of what would be a thousand that day. I would be gripped by the fear of what the day would bring. The regrets and unfulfilled dreams would jab at me. I would spend 99% of my time thinking about things that had a 1% chance of happening. I would run through the conversations line by line of what I would say to certain people and their response to me as if I knew how they were going to go. I would think of a vacation, review a movie I just saw, slay a few dragons and plan what I would do for my retirement in the span of just a few moments. But it wasn't for just those few moments. These obsessive, broken record thoughts played over and over until I could take no more and pick up.

Bi-polar Disorder or Manic Depression are the formal terms. I have also suffered from massive panic attacks, 3 of which landed me in the emergency room, absolutely convinced I was going to die. The word itself is a pretty fair description. I was either the life of the party or shrinking violet in the corner of my life. Being undiagnosed for years I self-medicated to slow things down. I did not have the ability to live my life in the middle, balanced between these two extreme moods. Boredom to an addict is absolutely punishing. When things were balanced I felt the impulse to start some trouble or make something happen to stimulate my mind

I don't live that way today. I take medication to keep my balance and it's working. I still suffer from the occasional panic attack but have tools to slow my mind down and stop the feelings of impending doom. My panic doesn't come when I am performing in a room full of people. It comes when I am all alone with my thoughts. I hope for the day when I will be off the meds but it's okay for now. I am not drinking or using. As a matter of fact today is my 23rd month of chemical free sobriety. It is the longest I have been completely clean since I was 17.

These are my experiences. I like to point out that there are often grammatical errors and misspellings because I post my first draft. I do not edit or add to. That way I know it's from the heart and not my drama loving mind. When your foot hurts you go to the foot doctor and think nothing of it. When you have a toothache a call is made to the dentist. When our "minds" hurt we are afraid to reach out for help because society says that means we are crazy. I am willing to go to a doctor who helps me with my thoughts and thinking. My recovery group also teaches me ways to cope. My God relieves me of my anxieties if I let him. Today! Just for today the hamster in my mind isn't on the wheel going a 100 miles an hour and getting nowhere. Today I am okay being me and with me. Tomorrow it may be different. But I will deal with tomorrow when I get there.