Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone. I need some time to myself. I'm just gonna chill tonight. I'm just tired today. I don't want to talk about it right now. There's nothing wrong, I just want to be by myself. All of these are favorites I use on family, friends and loved ones when I am in a depression. It is also a warning sign or a cry for help from someone suffering from depression or addiction and recovery.
"9 out of 10 addicts and depression sufferers' favorite color is BLUE! The last one's favorite is dark blue!" For the last week or so my favorite color has been BLUE. If I don't stop isolating, it will quickly turn to DARK BLUE! Then I am in the danger zone. There is quiet solitude and there is also intentional isolation. Suffering from both depression and addiction, isolation is the first "friend" I turn to when I'm feeling BLUE.
Suffering from depression really makes me sad sometimes. It is particularly frustrating when someone says "Why are you so down?" and I honestly don't have an answer for them. There is no answer because I don't know myself. A person with depression can be sitting on their own private island, with a winning lottery ticket and Beyonce rubbing their feet and feel like crap. Depression is misunderstood by the sufferer and those around him.
Before I started writing this blog today I did some Internet research on "famous" people who suffered from depression or other forms of mental illness. I hate that phrase MENTAL ILLNESS! It implies that my brain has typhoid fever or malaria and I'm going to spread it around the whole village or go postal and wipe everyone out! No! I have a "chemical imbalance" in my noodle. The feel good chemicals up there just aren't produced as effectively in me as in "normal" people. Can I stop and say that "normal" people scare the hell out of me? I always think they're hiding something, like bodies under their family room.
I always hear things like "You're so funny, how can you be sad?" My favorite is,"How can you be a comic and suffer from depression?" Those questions make me cringe because my guess is as good as yours. Try these ones on for size. Jim Carrey suffers from depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Additional "funny people" who suffer from some form of depression are Drew Cary, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, Drew Barrymore, Tracy Ullman, Roseanne Barr, Spike Mulligan, Jonathon Winters and Louis Anderson. The Louis Anderson "funny" reference is subject to reader interpretation.
"Funny people" aren't the only high profile people who suffer from these conditions. It has no prejudice or favorite "type" to grab on to. Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Teddy Roosevelt, Vincent Van Gogh and my favorite Beatle, John Lennon, all suffered with depression issues. There were a total of 244 people listed on the celebrity menu of depression sufferers which I am referencing from Google. Those folks seemed to get around it and push forward. That is what we must do also. It does give me some comfort in knowing that there is a thin line between artistic genius and insanity. I'm not sure which side of that equation I fall. It just feels good knowing that I'm not alone.
"Alone!" "Now there's the rub!" When I am in a funk I want to be left alone. During those down times, while you see sunshine, I complain about the glare. Where you see a beautiful snow covered hill, I see the filthy slush on my street. While you see the wonders of the Chicago skyline, I see the garbage in the alleys. The need to be alone occasionally is important for anyone. To a person like me it can only be implemented for a short time or I will slip from "light blue" to "Dark Blue" to BLACK.
Nothing gets me out of a depression or funk better than forgetting about myself. Sitting alone listening to John Coltrane seems like a good idea but it leaves me alone with me! I have proven to myself over and over again that there are few things in this world that I can overcome ALONE. In recovery it means attending more recovery meetings and calling fellow addicts. It means turning off the Coltrane and turning up the Ramones! It means taking an interest in things outside of my mind intentionally. Sometimes I have to force it. I have to make myself engage with other people.
Knowledge is power, so I've heard, and by golly I believe it! As addicts and/or depression sufferers we tend to focus on the emotional side of our condition and try to figure ourselves out. I have made it my mission to learn about my conditions from a medical and psychologically objective point of view. The more I know about why I tick the way I do, the easier it is to push past the funk. I used to analyze myself to death. Now, knowing the symptoms, triggers and SOLUTIONS to dealing effectively with my conditions, makes it easier to be me. I can experience negativity or downward depression and be confident that it is going to pass. I don't have to buy into the "woe is me" mentality and go for the whole miserable depressive ride!
Surrender and acceptance of exactly who I am is the start to making peace with my conditions. I am not a crazy drunken baby anymore. I am a person who suffers from a chemical imbalance which I see a doctor for. I take medication to rebalance the chemicals in my melon. I go to places where there are other people just like me, who understand me and can help me through situations I can't handle alone. I have a family, loved ones and friends who I can share my feelings with. I have a God whom I can turn to at anytime and ask him to help me through whatever I am experiencing and be confident that he will show me the way through it. Every obstacle and challenge I face no longer has to be a catastrophe as long as I am willing to reach out for help from someone else.
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