It's 2:58am in Plainfield. I have been up since 2am. I was laying in bed thinking about getting up since 1:15am. I went to bed at 11:15pm. What I'm trying to say is that I suffer from insomnia. When I think about it, I can't sleep a wink. I've suffered from it for as long as I can remember. It has been at least 12 years, but more likely longer than that. To top it off my body clock wakes me up at 3:46am everyday. Even if I go to bed at midnight! I don't need an alarm clock, it's automatic!
My wife gets up at 4am for work Monday through Friday. I started getting up with her years ago so we could have some time in the morning to be alone before the hustle and bustle of life took us in our separate directions. On the weekends she sleeps in until about 8am. Me? Heck no! I am still up at 3:46am seven days a week. What I wouldn't do to be able to sleep until 8am. I might as well be dreaming about closing for the White Sox because that's just not the way my body works.
As a kid the only times I had trouble sleeping was either on Christmas Eve or the night before I was going to pitch in a baseball game. It wasn't too long ago that I would drink 20 or so beers and I would still wake up at 3:46am. That's enough alcohol to knock out a sperm whale but not me. It didn't matter how much I took or drank, I would still be up before the crack of dawn. Maybe I'll get a job as a paperboy. That seems to me to be the only job where a 3:46am wake up routine would be useful.
I've heard a lot of alcoholics and addicts have sleeping problems. Using chemicals was our knock out formula. When that is taken away there's no more knock out. During the day I take a couple of "power naps" for about 30 minutes each day to make it through the daylight hours. My dad taught me the magic of the power nap when I was about 12. I love them. The fact that I lived in my car for a couple years helped also. I can take a power nap anywhere, anytime.
It's almost 3:30am so I have 16 minutes before my body would be waking me on any other day so I might as well roll with it now. 3 of my 4 dogs get up with me in the middle of the night. My 12 year old Yellow Lab, "Cooter," doesn't get up. She could sleep through a home invasion. Whoever started using the word "dog" as an insult must have had a bad one because I would change places with any of my dogs in a heartbeat. Sleep, play, sleep, eat, sleep, go out, clean your naughty bits, sleep...all sounds like heaven to me.
When I was drinking I would be spending the time I am using now to clean up pee from my bed or come to in the middle of our family room. Sometimes I would even wake up in the bathroom naked, puke all over the place and not knowing how I ended up there. I am so thankful those days are gone. They will stay gone if I stay connected to God, people like me and am honest with myself about what and who I am. I better start wrapping this thing up, my body clock is going to wake me in 9 minutes.
Now I spend this time corresponding with people who connect with me concerning addiction or depression issues. I prayed that when I started this blog I would be able to connect with people like me and share their pain and give them some hope that they can make it through anything, a day or minute at a time. In the last 48 hours I have had 2 people approach me about recovery and dealing with depression. I am grateful that God has allowed me to be a channel for hope and faith in a new way of life to help them find their way.
With each new day, when someone reaches out to me and tells me I am helping them or others with their own struggles, it makes the insomnia okay. I live my life free of guilt, shame and remorse now. In the two months I have been writing, God has spoken through me to give an encouraging word or just help someone through a crazy day. Sometimes it stresses me out and I feel overwhelmed. It is nothing like the continuous assault on my sanity that alcohol created.
We are all messengers of God. I mean the Great Spirit, not a God of a particular color or shape. My human mind can't quantify the concept of God. I do know it is centered in love. We all can spread a little love in this world. So as you get up today and are sipping your morning coffee, or eating your dinner on the other side of the world, try an experiment for me. Say or do something centered in love for everyone you meet or see. To the people we live with greet them with a pleasant "Good Morning!" or compliment them on something.
I know when I lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on, when I just listen or be there for someone I feel better knowing I am making them feel better. It doesn't take a lot of effort or time. The positive energy or love of God is contagious. It is not denominational or exclusive. We all have the ability to change a dark moment into a sunny one for each other every day. When people reach out to me and say I have said or done something to help them, or when they say nothing at all and I see hope growing in their eyes it makes my past worth it.
If I do not share the gifts and blessings that god has chosen to give me through grace, I just might lose it all. Try my experiment. I guarantee it will make you feel better about you knowing you have made someone feel better about themselves. Give it a shot. You won't be sorry. It's 4:15am. I better get my day started. Hey! A smile goes a long way. Let the experiment begin!
I can't believe you don't have comments. You're very brave to bring light to the dark places. We never speak of my Daddy's drinking years and yet we all wear it. I look forward to reading more of you!
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