Valentine's Day is Tomorrow. I thought I would take this sacred day of romance and break it down into the reality of what the sex life of a married couple is reduced to over the years of bliss spent together. This chapter is directed toward those married couples who have been together for 10 years or more. Those of you who are reading this, and thinking about tying the knot don't get discouraged. The outcomes of your intimate marital encounters remain the same. It's the before, during, after, when and where that changes.
When a man and a woman switch from dating to becoming a couple the world is their oyster. The chemical pheromones that attract them to each other is fierce, almost magnetic. The way he brushes back his hair with his hand makes her hot. That little laugh and come hither glance sends him into a frenzy. The moment is "always right" and the answer is always yes. Creativity, endurance and effort are achieved effortlessly and the excitement never ceases to end.
After these early intimate encounters comes the cuddling and sharing of a Ben and Jerry's pint in bed, playing footsie and then round two or maybe three. Everything is like a scene out of "The Notebook" or "9 1/2 Weeks." It might even have a little of the flare that "Wild Things" had. But just as these classic movies have become distant memories, that don't lose their excitement when reminisced about, they do lose some of their zing as time ticks by.
Fast forward to 10+ years with that same couple. That irresistible thing he does with his hair makes her secretly want to shave his head. That cute laugh she does is irritating to him. That come hither look isn't seen as often. One round is normal, 2 rounds a rarity, 3 rounds an impossibility. The fire that once roared between you is still beautiful but it has smoldered with an occasional flare up. It is not the flaming passion that was consistent and intriguing just a few years earlier. Life has set in.
There are jobs to be worked, bills to be paid, houses to be cleaned and THEN......comes the kids. Suddenly the focus of your every waking moment switches from the "act" to what you've created from it. The baby years, toddler years, the terrible two's and grade school years consume time and energy. There are practices to get to, games to attend, activities to be endured and with that the flame is reduced to a spark. By the time the little cuties make it through high school angst and have decided that we popped out of our parents at age 30, the spark is reduced to a pilot light. Not due to lack of desire, but lack of motivation.
I know there are exceptions to these rules but these are my experiences. I can also say that where the physical attraction was the strongest in the early years, the later years are filled with deeper friendship and true partnership. I am writing this next to my wife as we chuckle at our reality. This blog is not a complaint it is an observational piece. It's like watching NAT GEO and seeing a couple of older lions sprawled out in the plains of the Serengeti.
The "I want you right here, right now!" is replaced with "We have 20 minutes before the kids get home." Passion is replaced with release. Heat is replaced by need. Spontaneity is replaced by "Hey, you wanna...you know?" I will illustrate with an example that may create a disturbing mental picture for some, a laugh for others, or "Yep! that's it" by others. The following is a true story. Rated M for Married.
When I was a younger "manscaping" was nonexistent for the male species and a novelty in the female species. Today it is common place for both sexes. I personally don't care if my basement carpet looks like Tito Jackson's afro from the 70's. My wife however likes a neater cleaner, modern Tito cut.
The kids were gone this morning and we both felt the pilot light kicking up the oven temperature. We smiled and giggled and devised our intimate rendezvous.
The spontaneous "Take me on the table" demand is now, "Where do you wanna do it? Here? How about the bathroom counter top or upstairs?" We decided on the bathroom and held hands making our way with excited anticipation. We kissed, our temperatures were rising. My wife gave that rarely seen naughty look and suggested she would trim my hedges before we got down to it. She made it all sound so inviting I was up for anything. I was on fire now and ready to go. As she took the trimmer from my shaving drawer and slid the tiny garbage pail into leaf collecting position - Boom! The magic stopped. "Why are these cans in here instead of the recycling?" Between you and son I am tired of taking soda cans out of here."
She slammed down the clippers and retrieved the cans, taking them to the recycle bin in the kitchen. I boyishly muttered "We always put them in recycling at the end of the week." I now picked up the clipper and decided to finish the topiary work myself. I didn't realize that this was a delicate procedure. I thought it was like how they shave a Marine's head on all those old war films. After one swipe of the trimmer I ripped out a few hairs and decided my Afro was back in style.
After a few moments my wife returned. Style and creativity went out the window. We did our thing quicker than you can change a furnace filter then quickly put our lounging clothes back on. We hugged and exchanged "I love you." The Ben and Jerry's was replaced by a couple bowls of Raisin Bran and an argument between watching Brad Pitt in "Fight Club" or "House Hunters International." We ate our cereal on separate couches. I took a short nap and all was well. It was another day of romance in the 10 plus year love making club. We are due for another hook up in a week or so - right on schedule.
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