Valentine's Day is Tomorrow. I thought I would take this sacred day of romance and break it down into the reality of what the sex life of a married couple is reduced to over the years of bliss spent together. This chapter is directed toward those married couples who have been together for 10 years or more. Those of you who are reading this, and thinking about tying the knot don't get discouraged. The outcomes of your intimate marital encounters remain the same. It's the before, during, after, when and where that changes.
When a man and a woman switch from dating to becoming a couple the world is their oyster. The chemical pheromones that attract them to each other is fierce, almost magnetic. The way he brushes back his hair with his hand makes her hot. That little laugh and come hither glance sends him into a frenzy. The moment is "always right" and the answer is always yes. Creativity, endurance and effort are achieved effortlessly and the excitement never ceases to end.
After these early intimate encounters comes the cuddling and sharing of a Ben and Jerry's pint in bed, playing footsie and then round two or maybe three. Everything is like a scene out of "The Notebook" or "9 1/2 Weeks." It might even have a little of the flare that "Wild Things" had. But just as these classic movies have become distant memories, that don't lose their excitement when reminisced about, they do lose some of their zing as time ticks by.
Fast forward to 10+ years with that same couple. That irresistible thing he does with his hair makes her secretly want to shave his head. That cute laugh she does is irritating to him. That come hither look isn't seen as often. One round is normal, 2 rounds a rarity, 3 rounds an impossibility. The fire that once roared between you is still beautiful but it has smoldered with an occasional flare up. It is not the flaming passion that was consistent and intriguing just a few years earlier. Life has set in.
There are jobs to be worked, bills to be paid, houses to be cleaned and THEN......comes the kids. Suddenly the focus of your every waking moment switches from the "act" to what you've created from it. The baby years, toddler years, the terrible two's and grade school years consume time and energy. There are practices to get to, games to attend, activities to be endured and with that the flame is reduced to a spark. By the time the little cuties make it through high school angst and have decided that we popped out of our parents at age 30, the spark is reduced to a pilot light. Not due to lack of desire, but lack of motivation.
I know there are exceptions to these rules but these are my experiences. I can also say that where the physical attraction was the strongest in the early years, the later years are filled with deeper friendship and true partnership. I am writing this next to my wife as we chuckle at our reality. This blog is not a complaint it is an observational piece. It's like watching NAT GEO and seeing a couple of older lions sprawled out in the plains of the Serengeti.
The "I want you right here, right now!" is replaced with "We have 20 minutes before the kids get home." Passion is replaced with release. Heat is replaced by need. Spontaneity is replaced by "Hey, you wanna...you know?" I will illustrate with an example that may create a disturbing mental picture for some, a laugh for others, or "Yep! that's it" by others. The following is a true story. Rated M for Married.
When I was a younger "manscaping" was nonexistent for the male species and a novelty in the female species. Today it is common place for both sexes. I personally don't care if my basement carpet looks like Tito Jackson's afro from the 70's. My wife however likes a neater cleaner, modern Tito cut.
The kids were gone this morning and we both felt the pilot light kicking up the oven temperature. We smiled and giggled and devised our intimate rendezvous.
The spontaneous "Take me on the table" demand is now, "Where do you wanna do it? Here? How about the bathroom counter top or upstairs?" We decided on the bathroom and held hands making our way with excited anticipation. We kissed, our temperatures were rising. My wife gave that rarely seen naughty look and suggested she would trim my hedges before we got down to it. She made it all sound so inviting I was up for anything. I was on fire now and ready to go. As she took the trimmer from my shaving drawer and slid the tiny garbage pail into leaf collecting position - Boom! The magic stopped. "Why are these cans in here instead of the recycling?" Between you and son I am tired of taking soda cans out of here."
She slammed down the clippers and retrieved the cans, taking them to the recycle bin in the kitchen. I boyishly muttered "We always put them in recycling at the end of the week." I now picked up the clipper and decided to finish the topiary work myself. I didn't realize that this was a delicate procedure. I thought it was like how they shave a Marine's head on all those old war films. After one swipe of the trimmer I ripped out a few hairs and decided my Afro was back in style.
After a few moments my wife returned. Style and creativity went out the window. We did our thing quicker than you can change a furnace filter then quickly put our lounging clothes back on. We hugged and exchanged "I love you." The Ben and Jerry's was replaced by a couple bowls of Raisin Bran and an argument between watching Brad Pitt in "Fight Club" or "House Hunters International." We ate our cereal on separate couches. I took a short nap and all was well. It was another day of romance in the 10 plus year love making club. We are due for another hook up in a week or so - right on schedule.
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Come On Honey! They're Just Pictures!....Why are you so Mad?
My cycle of addiction started with alcohol and then weed. It moved to speed and pills and then anything that could get me out of having feelings or having to deal with yours. One of the crazy paradoxes for me was as addictions held me tighter and tighter and I knew I was losing control, my threshold of what got me to "where I wanted to get to" grew more and more. Enough is never enough for a guy like me. Like Nigel Tufnel said in "Spinal Tap, "When all the other blokes are at 10 and can't go any farther I can go to 11. Just one more for that extra something."
My addictions moved to people, love, pain, codependency and sex. But I always made my way back to booze because it was old and reliable. Easy to get, then easy to forget. That is to forget the self-loathing I had toward myself and the injustices of society. I was a victim and the world owed me. I was always going to do something about it the next day. That next day did come, but unfortunately, it was 25 years after I first thought about it.When one addiction lost its ability to give me the rush I needed, I could slide into the next or combine addictions for full blown chaos. For me, the bottom line was that I didn't like myself and whatever chemical, activity or person which made me feel the most pain was the one I favored.
I was living on Mannheim Road in Stone Park in the mid 90's. The town provided every sin, addiction and vice that a drunken addict like me thrived on. There was more going on between Lake Street and Grand Avenue than the Las Vegas Strip. That was my experience and I am sure it is much different now. I will leave the definition of the things "going on" to your imagination. It is here that I found porn. This is a subject I hate to relive because it almost cost me my marriage to Squeaky. I don't think Disney will be calling me in the near future to star in their latest family film.
When I was living at the transient motels, or in my car, porn was a deep dark addiction for me. My relationships were nonexistent and broken. I was both exhilarated and horrified by each sick video or magazine, realizing what I was watching. It was a temporary escape from thinking about how I felt about me and simultaneously feeding my self loathing because I knew what I was doing was wrong. The rush of watching taboos being broken in front of my sorrow filled eyes and empty soul was a rush and I fed on it like ants on a sugar drop.
I have heard that guys are visual and gals are auditory when it comes to stimulation. I suppose that's why I am excited at the thought of my wife in a nighty and she loves when I stroke her hair and we giggle in bed. From the time I was little and saw my first "Easy Rider" magazine I was hooked. The girls were exotic and seductive. They all seemed to be calling out, "Tommy I'm waiting for you." I felt that this was harmless and maybe to some it is. As a guy I thought of it the same as looking at the Mona Lisa or some art piece. There was just an image there in 2 dimensions and no one got hurt from my fascination with just looking.
I have never cheated on my wife whether drunk or sober. I do have to say that I was unfaithful to her. After we moved in together, and I had stopped drinking for a few years, I rediscovered porn. Not in stores or magazines but on the world wide web. I was smoking pot and taking speed and it wasn't enough for me. I needed to get from 10 to 11. The boundary free, anything you can think of, erotica that the Internet offers was a click away. Sometimes I would put in completely vile subjects in the search menu and sure enough, a picture or video would come up. There was nothing like little kids or animals, but 2 ways, 4 ways, freaks of nature, women/women, men/men and violent encounters were within my parameters of being acceptable to view.
I loved my wife and she satisfied me in every way. I can honestly say that it wasn't even the imagery that turned me on. It was the rush and high of exposing myself to such decadence. There were late night log-ins when my wife was asleep and quick check ins when I got home from work before she did. It was the same cycle as booze. The planning, obsessing, using and remorse were the same. The "candy" was the only thing that changed. That phase of my life, marriage and perception of pornography changed when she discovered my dirty little secret.
The hiding and concealing of my habits were part of the high. Doing something naughty and getting away with it was half the enjoyment. One day while working on the family PC she found me out. I don't know how. I believe it had something to do with "cookies" but in reality I was relieved to be found out. She was devastated and hurt to the point of being inconsolable. "How could you do this," she screamed! In the typical male response, I replied nonchalantly and coolly that it was no big deal. "It was just pictures like the Mona Lisa or Baywatch, only naked!"
I was quickly schooled in the depth of pain it caused her and have not looked at the stuff since. She was concerned that I didn't find her attractive. Not true. She asked if she satisfied me. She did. She cried, frustrated that she could never look like, or do the things that those people were doing. I told her I didn't expect her to, that it meant nothing to me. She said it meant everything to her! I began to feel smaller and smaller, like a cartoon character shrinking with every tear filled statement.
It hit home when she asked if I would be happy if she was watching those same images when I wasn't around. The answer was definitely not! As a guy we think of it as pictures. To a woman they see it as a reflection of what they can't be or what the man feels is missing in his life. Once again as an addict, I was able to push the reality of my wife's feelings out of the way to satisfy my urge to get high. It took a long time to regain her trust. I could see the depth of betrayal in her eyes that I had caused for many days after the confrontation.
These days I have no secrets from my wife. If I get the feeling it might be wrong, I don't do it. I discuss my friends on Facebook and don't accept friend requests from people like "Sizzlin Suzie." She has full access to every part of my life. It feels good to know I have nothing to hide. My wife is everything a man could want in a woman and more. I can now put her feelings in front of my impulses. By not doing things that may potentially hurt her, I have no fear of what she may find. My wife is all woman and all I need.
Guys, before you open up that mag or video with your buds, picture your wife doing the same thing. If you are comfortable with it talk to her about it. Turn about is fair play. But if that little voice inside you tells you it's wrong, listen to it. If we all spent more time listening to that small still voice the world would be a much happier place.
My addictions moved to people, love, pain, codependency and sex. But I always made my way back to booze because it was old and reliable. Easy to get, then easy to forget. That is to forget the self-loathing I had toward myself and the injustices of society. I was a victim and the world owed me. I was always going to do something about it the next day. That next day did come, but unfortunately, it was 25 years after I first thought about it.When one addiction lost its ability to give me the rush I needed, I could slide into the next or combine addictions for full blown chaos. For me, the bottom line was that I didn't like myself and whatever chemical, activity or person which made me feel the most pain was the one I favored.
I was living on Mannheim Road in Stone Park in the mid 90's. The town provided every sin, addiction and vice that a drunken addict like me thrived on. There was more going on between Lake Street and Grand Avenue than the Las Vegas Strip. That was my experience and I am sure it is much different now. I will leave the definition of the things "going on" to your imagination. It is here that I found porn. This is a subject I hate to relive because it almost cost me my marriage to Squeaky. I don't think Disney will be calling me in the near future to star in their latest family film.
When I was living at the transient motels, or in my car, porn was a deep dark addiction for me. My relationships were nonexistent and broken. I was both exhilarated and horrified by each sick video or magazine, realizing what I was watching. It was a temporary escape from thinking about how I felt about me and simultaneously feeding my self loathing because I knew what I was doing was wrong. The rush of watching taboos being broken in front of my sorrow filled eyes and empty soul was a rush and I fed on it like ants on a sugar drop.
I have heard that guys are visual and gals are auditory when it comes to stimulation. I suppose that's why I am excited at the thought of my wife in a nighty and she loves when I stroke her hair and we giggle in bed. From the time I was little and saw my first "Easy Rider" magazine I was hooked. The girls were exotic and seductive. They all seemed to be calling out, "Tommy I'm waiting for you." I felt that this was harmless and maybe to some it is. As a guy I thought of it the same as looking at the Mona Lisa or some art piece. There was just an image there in 2 dimensions and no one got hurt from my fascination with just looking.
I have never cheated on my wife whether drunk or sober. I do have to say that I was unfaithful to her. After we moved in together, and I had stopped drinking for a few years, I rediscovered porn. Not in stores or magazines but on the world wide web. I was smoking pot and taking speed and it wasn't enough for me. I needed to get from 10 to 11. The boundary free, anything you can think of, erotica that the Internet offers was a click away. Sometimes I would put in completely vile subjects in the search menu and sure enough, a picture or video would come up. There was nothing like little kids or animals, but 2 ways, 4 ways, freaks of nature, women/women, men/men and violent encounters were within my parameters of being acceptable to view.
I loved my wife and she satisfied me in every way. I can honestly say that it wasn't even the imagery that turned me on. It was the rush and high of exposing myself to such decadence. There were late night log-ins when my wife was asleep and quick check ins when I got home from work before she did. It was the same cycle as booze. The planning, obsessing, using and remorse were the same. The "candy" was the only thing that changed. That phase of my life, marriage and perception of pornography changed when she discovered my dirty little secret.
The hiding and concealing of my habits were part of the high. Doing something naughty and getting away with it was half the enjoyment. One day while working on the family PC she found me out. I don't know how. I believe it had something to do with "cookies" but in reality I was relieved to be found out. She was devastated and hurt to the point of being inconsolable. "How could you do this," she screamed! In the typical male response, I replied nonchalantly and coolly that it was no big deal. "It was just pictures like the Mona Lisa or Baywatch, only naked!"
I was quickly schooled in the depth of pain it caused her and have not looked at the stuff since. She was concerned that I didn't find her attractive. Not true. She asked if she satisfied me. She did. She cried, frustrated that she could never look like, or do the things that those people were doing. I told her I didn't expect her to, that it meant nothing to me. She said it meant everything to her! I began to feel smaller and smaller, like a cartoon character shrinking with every tear filled statement.
It hit home when she asked if I would be happy if she was watching those same images when I wasn't around. The answer was definitely not! As a guy we think of it as pictures. To a woman they see it as a reflection of what they can't be or what the man feels is missing in his life. Once again as an addict, I was able to push the reality of my wife's feelings out of the way to satisfy my urge to get high. It took a long time to regain her trust. I could see the depth of betrayal in her eyes that I had caused for many days after the confrontation.
These days I have no secrets from my wife. If I get the feeling it might be wrong, I don't do it. I discuss my friends on Facebook and don't accept friend requests from people like "Sizzlin Suzie." She has full access to every part of my life. It feels good to know I have nothing to hide. My wife is everything a man could want in a woman and more. I can now put her feelings in front of my impulses. By not doing things that may potentially hurt her, I have no fear of what she may find. My wife is all woman and all I need.
Guys, before you open up that mag or video with your buds, picture your wife doing the same thing. If you are comfortable with it talk to her about it. Turn about is fair play. But if that little voice inside you tells you it's wrong, listen to it. If we all spent more time listening to that small still voice the world would be a much happier place.
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