My cycle of addiction started with alcohol and then weed. It moved to speed and pills and then anything that could get me out of having feelings or having to deal with yours. One of the crazy paradoxes for me was as addictions held me tighter and tighter and I knew I was losing control, my threshold of what got me to "where I wanted to get to" grew more and more. Enough is never enough for a guy like me. Like Nigel Tufnel said in "Spinal Tap, "When all the other blokes are at 10 and can't go any farther I can go to 11. Just one more for that extra something."
My addictions moved to people, love, pain, codependency and sex. But I always made my way back to booze because it was old and reliable. Easy to get, then easy to forget. That is to forget the self-loathing I had toward myself and the injustices of society. I was a victim and the world owed me. I was always going to do something about it the next day. That next day did come, but unfortunately, it was 25 years after I first thought about it.When one addiction lost its ability to give me the rush I needed, I could slide into the next or combine addictions for full blown chaos. For me, the bottom line was that I didn't like myself and whatever chemical, activity or person which made me feel the most pain was the one I favored.
I was living on Mannheim Road in Stone Park in the mid 90's. The town provided every sin, addiction and vice that a drunken addict like me thrived on. There was more going on between Lake Street and Grand Avenue than the Las Vegas Strip. That was my experience and I am sure it is much different now. I will leave the definition of the things "going on" to your imagination. It is here that I found porn. This is a subject I hate to relive because it almost cost me my marriage to Squeaky. I don't think Disney will be calling me in the near future to star in their latest family film.
When I was living at the transient motels, or in my car, porn was a deep dark addiction for me. My relationships were nonexistent and broken. I was both exhilarated and horrified by each sick video or magazine, realizing what I was watching. It was a temporary escape from thinking about how I felt about me and simultaneously feeding my self loathing because I knew what I was doing was wrong. The rush of watching taboos being broken in front of my sorrow filled eyes and empty soul was a rush and I fed on it like ants on a sugar drop.
I have heard that guys are visual and gals are auditory when it comes to stimulation. I suppose that's why I am excited at the thought of my wife in a nighty and she loves when I stroke her hair and we giggle in bed. From the time I was little and saw my first "Easy Rider" magazine I was hooked. The girls were exotic and seductive. They all seemed to be calling out, "Tommy I'm waiting for you." I felt that this was harmless and maybe to some it is. As a guy I thought of it the same as looking at the Mona Lisa or some art piece. There was just an image there in 2 dimensions and no one got hurt from my fascination with just looking.
I have never cheated on my wife whether drunk or sober. I do have to say that I was unfaithful to her. After we moved in together, and I had stopped drinking for a few years, I rediscovered porn. Not in stores or magazines but on the world wide web. I was smoking pot and taking speed and it wasn't enough for me. I needed to get from 10 to 11. The boundary free, anything you can think of, erotica that the Internet offers was a click away. Sometimes I would put in completely vile subjects in the search menu and sure enough, a picture or video would come up. There was nothing like little kids or animals, but 2 ways, 4 ways, freaks of nature, women/women, men/men and violent encounters were within my parameters of being acceptable to view.
I loved my wife and she satisfied me in every way. I can honestly say that it wasn't even the imagery that turned me on. It was the rush and high of exposing myself to such decadence. There were late night log-ins when my wife was asleep and quick check ins when I got home from work before she did. It was the same cycle as booze. The planning, obsessing, using and remorse were the same. The "candy" was the only thing that changed. That phase of my life, marriage and perception of pornography changed when she discovered my dirty little secret.
The hiding and concealing of my habits were part of the high. Doing something naughty and getting away with it was half the enjoyment. One day while working on the family PC she found me out. I don't know how. I believe it had something to do with "cookies" but in reality I was relieved to be found out. She was devastated and hurt to the point of being inconsolable. "How could you do this," she screamed! In the typical male response, I replied nonchalantly and coolly that it was no big deal. "It was just pictures like the Mona Lisa or Baywatch, only naked!"
I was quickly schooled in the depth of pain it caused her and have not looked at the stuff since. She was concerned that I didn't find her attractive. Not true. She asked if she satisfied me. She did. She cried, frustrated that she could never look like, or do the things that those people were doing. I told her I didn't expect her to, that it meant nothing to me. She said it meant everything to her! I began to feel smaller and smaller, like a cartoon character shrinking with every tear filled statement.
It hit home when she asked if I would be happy if she was watching those same images when I wasn't around. The answer was definitely not! As a guy we think of it as pictures. To a woman they see it as a reflection of what they can't be or what the man feels is missing in his life. Once again as an addict, I was able to push the reality of my wife's feelings out of the way to satisfy my urge to get high. It took a long time to regain her trust. I could see the depth of betrayal in her eyes that I had caused for many days after the confrontation.
These days I have no secrets from my wife. If I get the feeling it might be wrong, I don't do it. I discuss my friends on Facebook and don't accept friend requests from people like "Sizzlin Suzie." She has full access to every part of my life. It feels good to know I have nothing to hide. My wife is everything a man could want in a woman and more. I can now put her feelings in front of my impulses. By not doing things that may potentially hurt her, I have no fear of what she may find. My wife is all woman and all I need.
Guys, before you open up that mag or video with your buds, picture your wife doing the same thing. If you are comfortable with it talk to her about it. Turn about is fair play. But if that little voice inside you tells you it's wrong, listen to it. If we all spent more time listening to that small still voice the world would be a much happier place.
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