Seven Hundred and Thirty......Todays!

Today is the 2 year anniversary of my last mind altering drug or drink. The date is an important milestone in many respects because it is a date of reference to when my life was given back to me. I take little credit for the 730 days of sobriety. I just didn't use drugs or alcohol during that time frame. The physical end to my using was just the beginning. I am sober because I surrendered to a God whom I have a relationship with and the support of other alcoholic addicts who have shown me how to live life as it comes. I also have a supportive wife and family whom I have discovered are really beautiful people.

731 days ago I was trapped in my addiction. I was enslaved to its unrelenting domination of my body and soul and I wished I was dead. Those last few days I could no longer handle my drinking and couldn't imagine life without drinking. I was trapped, a dog chasing his tail that he would never catch. I would wake up with a urine soaked bed, hatred towards myself and indescribable shame, self-loathing and cold isolation. I was having multiple anxiety attacks daily, my wife was secretly shopping for a new home and I was soon to be fired. I drank to forget these painful experiences but created even more pain in doing so.

On January 17, 2009 I had a revelation. It was quite simple. I could not, not drink through my own will power. No matter how many times I made promises to my wife and myself that "This time I mean it," I would end up drunk that very evening. On that day I surrendered. I knew I had lost the battle and was on a fast track to death. I begged to God, whom I thought was Santa Claus up until then, to help me quit drinking today. He heard me that day and I haven't been drunk or high since then.

As each new today came, I asked him to take control of my will power and spend time with people who were trying to stay sober just like me. For the longest time I thought these people didn't exist. I was "one of a kind". "My problems were different than yours," "you don't understand!" I found out that they had all said the same things when they stopped using. The excuses and denial wrapped in justification was the same in all the addicts I met. We were doing the same things and feeling the same agony as each other. We were just doing it with different people in different places.

I kept my life simple and easy to manage. I didn't obsess about the uncertainty of the future or guilt and shame of my past. I began to live one 24 hour dose of life at a time. Hours were easier to manage than weeks, months, years and decades of fear and remorse, self hate and self-destruction. I had tried for 20 plus years to figure EVERYTHING out on my own. An impossible feat for even the healthiest of minds.

As the days go by, the desire to use has miraculously left me. Today I can look in a mirror and not want to spit at the guy staring back at me. Today I can look people in the eye instead of staring at the ground or shooting my glances away, certain they could see the fear that paralyzed me in the windows to my soul. Today I have a wife who has a husband, not a baby, to raise. Today I have self respect and respect for others. Today I don't have to be right all the time or know all the answers.

Today, when my depression and anxiety build up in me, I have people to turn to to help me cope. Today I am a good husband, father, son and friend. Today people can depended on me and believe the things I say. Today I am free to choose life instead of dwelling on death. Today I can do all the things I would plan for tomorrow when I was wasted. Today I am a man, not a child. Today I am not a victim or martyr. Today I am sober because I turned to God and my fellows and sincerely reached my hand out for help. Today I reach my hand out to people who once felt like I did 731 days ago.

Today I am alive, sober, free and sane because I started living each today one at a time. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow may come. Today is all I have. I might have another shot tomorrow at a new today. Today I am grateful for what I have, and more importantly, what I haven't been given. Today I am ALIVE!

If you are trapped in addiction or depression make a plan for today only. Just don't use today. Call a friend to watch over you, email me, share your pain and accept that we can do nothing alone in this world except breathe and pray. We all need each other every today. The last 20 plus years have shown me that when I go it alone, I don't manage as well as I think. With the help of God, people and hope, I can make it through today.