Please remember I am not speaking as an expert or doctor. These are my observations, experiences and opinions on the subject. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life. Originally diagnosed as Bi-Polar, I am now classified as having depression, panic attacks and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For those of you who suffer from these conditions, it makes me sad! Sorry, I couldn't resist a depression joke laid at my feet. It's a comedian thing. I take medication on a carefully maintained schedule and visit a clinical nurse practitioner several times a year to review my progress and correct dosages as needed. This is a shout out to Dr. T! You gave me my life back! Dr. T is a made up term like "Doctor Love," as sung by Kiss.
For the last two years of my drinking I was suffering from panic attacks. When I was younger I thought that these attacks were a figment of the imagination or a cry for attention. I have been enlightened over these last few years and have learned to keep them manageable with the help of Dr T. I also did a lot of research on the subject on my own. It is my feeling that the more I know about my conditions, the more I can recognize their symptoms and can take positive steps to reduce or prevent their full blown onset.
In college, the mother of one of my friends suffered from panic attacks. We would prepare to leave for church or a predetermined destination and set out on our trip. On a few occasions she would begin to turn pale and shout, "Stop the car I want to go home!" She was in complete hysterics. I was uneducated on these dramatic outbreaks and would sit silently thinking, she just didn't want to go and creating the drama was her way out. To that person I am sorry for my insensitive, ill informed conclusions. I wish I knew then what I know now about panic and the debilitating effect it can have on a person.
I was a huge "Soprano's" fan. Who can forget the panic episodes of Tony lying by the pool or collapsing in his shrink's office certain he was dying? Some probably thought to themselves that he was just having a nervous breakdown or feeling the guilt about his career activities. That is not the case. There is no medical condition formally referred to as a nervous breakdown. There are psychological irregularities and chemical imbalances that can cause a person to have a depression or anxiety induced episode.
If you have someone in your life who suffers from panic, or you have it yourself, don't dismiss it as being drama or nerves. A panic attack is in the mind of the sufferer but it presents itself in physical symptoms. For me those symptoms have included: a feeling of impending doom, an inability to breathe, a racing heartbeat, flushing or clammy skin, tunnel vision, shaking and most usually a feeling that I was gonna freak out in front of everybody or make a mad dash for the exit of wherever I was at the time.
Panic attacks can lead to heart attacks and even death. That's not mental! That's as physical as it gets! When someone has diabetes we don't look at them and say to ourselves, "Look there goes the diabetic kid." When we know that someone has a mental condition we think and say things like,"That dude is nuts," or "I heard that chick's crazy." How unfair and unrealistic. For the reader that falls into that camp, I can assure you if you ever experience a full onset panic attack, you will never forget it.
The American psyche is the most open-minded in the world. But when it comes to conditions like depression and panic disorder we remain stuck in "the world is flat" mentality. We think nothing of the man who takes a pill to help him when the "situation is just right." We condone the use of sleep medications for those with insomnia as a necessary helper to cope with our frenetic lifestyle. Medication for osteoporosis is hawked as being practical and we smile at the thought of Grandma having strong bones and a straight spine. But when we hear of someone reaching out for help for depression or anxiety, mental pictures of a cuckoo going in and out of a clock fill our minds. This stigma and dogma-like approach to those suffering make them fear reaching out for help and is closed minded nonsense. There is nothing more frustrating to me when experiencing a bout with depression than when someone chimes in with a quip like, "Why don't you just snap out of it?" WOW! I never thought of that! Thanks, Mr. Peters!
No one wants to think of themselves as crazy. We aren't! There are few that embrace the pain of those suffering from these conditions because of their own fears of being labeled as "the guy married to the nutty wife." If your eye hurts, go to an ophthalmologist. If your foot, hurts go to a podiatrist. If your mind seems off kilter, go to a psychologist or medical professional whose area of expertise is the mind.
Many people use alcohol and drugs to mask or relieve underlying conditions of depression and anxiety. This prescription is a temporary fix and can lead to further physical and psychological complications. I had gone through enough pain and feelings of doom and insanity that I was more than ready to seek help for my inner turmoil. Today my panic, anxiety and depression are controllable. They may never go away but I can live effectively with them now.
I started seeing Dr. T a few months into my sobriety. We experimented with different medications until the right formula was created to make living my life normally a possibility. It is not always easy. I have down days and feel the build of anxiety that precede a panic attack occasionally. The difference is that anxiety doesn't dominate my day or paralyze me from participating in it to the fullest. By embracing the truth of my depression and anxiety, like I have my alcoholism, it gives me great relief to know that I am not a nutty bar. I just have a chemical imbalance that medication can rebalance. I am not condoning or condemning prescription therapy, especially self-prescribed medical therapy. I just want to let you know that you're not alone and relief can be found with outside help. Once again YOU CAN'T DO IT ALONE!
In the 2 years that I have been in depression and anxiety therapy my life has gone to places I never thought possible. I have done comedy from New Orleans to Chicago, I have appeared in 2 TV series and 2 movies. I have started this blog and am a contributor on a radio show. That is not braggadocio. It is a testimony to the endless possibilities that facing my depression has opened up to me. Today I know I'm not crazy. I seek help when I need it and I can live peaceably with myself and others. The war in my mind is over. I survived the battle. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. It will save your mind and maybe even your life.
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