Missing Kelly on her birthday was just one element of a perfect storm that I am in right now. Combine Kelly's birthday, my daughter heading back to Germany today and the suspicion that the comedy contest I entered to open for Pauly Shore was a hoax, I am in a cyclone of emotions right now. I have heard it said that sobriety has its draw backs but a temporary escape doesn't change the storm you're in. It only adds to it. But I like to feed the anger and pain and start looking at all the people and things in my life that piss me off. I am much more satisfied with obsessing about 57 things than just one or two.
Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.
Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.
We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.
I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.
Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.
Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."
Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.
Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.
We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.
I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.
Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.
Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."
thinking of the song..growing up is so hard to do..:-) Beautiful as always Tommy..you have such a "talent, gift, super skill etc." with words and comedy. "You have a beautiful old soul" and the reason it feels so good to write is not only are you sharing the essence of your soul with the world, all of your reader's are sending their positive reactions back to you.
ReplyDeleteEverybody's soul has an "infinite" ability to grow..for GOOD and/or EVIL. It is our choice on how we fill it..do we dwell on our despair or obsess about the future or past..sometimes. You can never eradicate the evil, and everybody starts with some...BUT,you can chose the balance..listen to the music within and without..and live every single day, every minute.
LOLOL..didn't see all that coming, mind ORGASM! SHIT! Got to go beep beep..and Tommy..you are truly funny..otherwise..lolol.
To quote Burgess Meredith from Rocky V "Get up you Sonofabitch!!! Cause Mickey loves ya!!!" You are usually a spring of positive energy,you are the guy others look to to cheer them up when they are down. So, if you want to take a few days and live in the blue that is your right. But I tell ya one thing brother, I miss my friend Tommy, and he better show up soon.
ReplyDeleteEcc 3:4 "A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance"