It's been said that I chase my tail in my writings, that I go around in circles. Some say that my writing is inspiring. Yet others say they are predictable or that I share a simple every day occurrence and wrap it up with a warm and fuzzy ending. To all of my readers I want you to know that my chapters come from the bottom of my heart and are done in one sitting. That is why they are occasionally a little rough around the edges. When it comes to chasing my tail, or going around in circles, that may be true but each circuit is a new trip for me.
I have read in some of my addiction literature that active addicts don't have the capacity to form true bonds with other people. I am not stating that as a fact or expert. I do believe it. I would take it a step farther and add that this would go for any kind of "ism" or "ic." From the workaholic to living with an "ic" of any kind, the condition demands 24 hour attention from the sufferer and unfortunately often at the expense of those around us.
I grew up in a family where my dad was a definite workaholic. My mom worked as a single mother and had my step dad's issues to deal with. As a kid that left little time to squeeze me in. I don't say that with self pity. That was just the way it was. I knew they loved me. They were just wrapped up in their own thing and my troubles, worries, triumphs and ramblings were not at the top of the honey do list.
As I got older and formed relationships with friends and women, I had the capacity to engage but was riddled with insecurity and fear. There were jealousy and abandonment issues. Control and anxiety flourished. Ultimately things revolved around ME and my feelings. I could be the greatest guy in the world as long as you were reacting the way I felt you should be to my actions and needs. I always felt I deserved or didn't deserve more love or attention. Often I felt I deserved nothing so chaos or self destruction was a logical response for everyday interaction in any relationship.
I had all the scenes played out in my head for the people in my life. As long as you were in character and on cue I was thrilled. If you had different reactions than those I expected I pouted, got angry, ran away and was generally miserable. I did not have the capability to take others' feelings fully into consideration or to appreciate what they were going through in the moment. The disease of alcoholism and addiction centers in the mind. My mind was working full time trying to force the world to be what I wanted it to be. Since it only worked out like I wanted it to, occasionally I was miserable and looked for escape! I lived in a parallel universe that was not reality but very real to me. The world isn't filled with trained poodles. We are all human and that burned me up.
At family get togethers I couldn't wait to escape and get drunk the way I wanted to drink. At my kid's parties I watched the clock praying for the parents to come get their kids so I could go get high. I did not appreciate their happy faces as they tore open gifts and played pin the tail on the donkey. I rushed through every moment of my life chasing something that I couldn't catch. I was running from me, myself and I so I certainly couldn't fully relate to you or anybody else. I loved and spent time with the kids and loved ones but my fears of them getting hurt, or hurting me or the world not matching my grand plan left me one click away from completely connected.
I was sure I knew how everybody should lead their lives best and doled out advice like Dr. Phil. But I couldn't even balance a check book or separate the whites and the darks. I would half listen to all the people in my life while internally judging, convicting and passing sentence on them for all of their weaknesses. My mind would not shut off so I did what I had to do to slow it down a few notches. In that state I was neither here nor there.
Sobriety is about living life in the now. Right now. I love it. I have only been living in it for a few years now. It is like I have been Rip Van Winkle for the last 28 years and have just been awakened. I try not to take anything for granted because I used to take EVERYTHING for granted. What you may find inane I find fascinating. I was blind but now I see! Imagine not remembering a decade or more of your life. Can you do it?
If you can, imagine how your children have changed. You have gotten older. The world is different but your mind is what it was when you fell asleep. I may be going around in circles but they are new and fascinating trips each time. I am growing. I was stunted in my emotional development for years. I was a middle aged teenager. Drugs and alcohol stop you dead in your tracks upstairs. I am grateful to have a chance to "see" again. There are many who don't get the chance.
Sometimes I feel recovering addicts and alcoholics are the lucky ones and earthlings are the unlucky. In recovery I have learned to treasure life. I have learned that trusting God is way easier than worry. Worry doesn't get me anything but sick. It has also given me the chance to repair some damage I have done along the way to today. Most folks just carry the baggage. My load gets lighter by the day. I have learned to forgive because whoever I hold a grudge towards isn't at home thinking about me so why should I let them have power over me?
Mostly I have learned that every day is a gift. I can't change the past. PERIOD! I can make an honest attempt to make things right. If I want folks to forgive me I certainly have to return the favor. I also know tomorrow will take care of itself. I can make plans but I can't plan outcomes. Worry is not a God given emotion. Today is where it's at. Each day is exciting. Sometimes they're shite! All of them I feel exactly as they are meant to be.
Showing posts with label Abandonment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Abandonment. Show all posts
Friday, August 5, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Knock, Knock...Who's There?.......NOBODY!
The title of this chapter is a reference to what a lot of alcoholics and addicts face. This includes their loved ones and also those who don't have addiction issues in their family at all. As an addict the demons and conflicts that we fight center in our minds. One of the most common behaviors of addicts is isolation and emotional unavailability. It was certainly one of my most prevalent behaviors when using and maybe before I ever picked up.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
Monday, January 3, 2011
The One, Two Punch and Connolly is Down! Will He Get Back Up?
Missing Kelly on her birthday was just one element of a perfect storm that I am in right now. Combine Kelly's birthday, my daughter heading back to Germany today and the suspicion that the comedy contest I entered to open for Pauly Shore was a hoax, I am in a cyclone of emotions right now. I have heard it said that sobriety has its draw backs but a temporary escape doesn't change the storm you're in. It only adds to it. But I like to feed the anger and pain and start looking at all the people and things in my life that piss me off. I am much more satisfied with obsessing about 57 things than just one or two.
Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.
Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.
We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.
I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.
Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.
Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."
Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.
Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.
We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.
I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.
Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.
Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."
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