I have to confess that I am lazy. I take things for granted and I can slip back into old thinking and bad habits pretty easy. Whether it's being a good husband, father, son, friend or follower I can get complacent pretty quickly. I think the way to judge where I stand, or sit, in the relationships I listed above are based largely on how good or bad things are going in my life. For me, I am at the top of my game in all these relationships when there is trouble or challenges facing me. But as soon as things smooth out again I slip back into cruise control.
When I am with my wife I am a loving, attentive husband. If she is unhappy with me or anyone else I become "super hubby," jumping up like a loyal Shirpa to meet her every need. It is when I am alone, or things are just peachy, that I get a real gauge on how I am living my life. As I'm driving with my wife in the car and a pretty girl is walking down the street, I take a quick glance and look away out of respect for her feelings and our marriage. If I am alone the glance is a little longer and my thoughts less honorable or down right rotten.
When my kids are having problems with school or a relationship, I am Johnny on the spot to help them with homework or to lend an ear. When they are happy and cruising along through life, my relationship with them becomes less engaging and moves to the back burner. I see that they're okay and don't feel I need to jump in the middle and harsh their life buzz. This is laziness and pure rationalization on my part. If I don't see a problem, I assume that I'm not needed.
I have spoken of the conflicts I go through with my mother. If she is sick, or it's around a holiday or birthday, I see her more. I call her more. I take an active role in her well being and put my discomfort and issues with her to the side. As soon as she gets back on track, or says something hurtful to me, the calls become fewer and the visits nearly extinct. It's easy to do the right thing when things are a little shaky, but when we are on solid ground I retreat into complacency and go back to worrying about me.
When I am navigating my way through life on my own, I truly have a fool as my compass. I work with people in recovery and those who struggle with sobriety. That is the whole purpose in writing this book. If I have a fresh alcohol beaten subject in my midst, I am full of knowledge, guidance and myself. I help them to get a little sobriety under their belt, then push them out of the nest to learn to fly on their own when their wings are just starting to get strong.
It's easy to have faith when you are sitting in a pile of life's bird droppings and have nowhere to look but up. There were innumerable times when I was in hot water and I turned to heaven, begging God to "save me this one last time and I will do thy bidding." "Help my son out of this jam and I'll join the church choir." "Answer my prayers and I will dedicate my life to you and all of humanity." As soon as I was delivered and the heat is off, the prayers slow down to a trickle and my relationship with "Him" goes from confidante to acquaintance.
When the mortgage and bills are paid and all is well, I slip into spiritual cruise control and move from leaning on God, back to leaning on my own understanding. It is when I try to go it alone that things start falling apart in the first place. I go from dedicating all of my life to the will of God, to just filling him in on what's on my life schedule. My insistence on running the show is what gets me into the pickle in the first place! When I go it alone I begin to slowly self destruct.
The true test of faith is when things are good, not bad. When I am on fire I turn to my faith like a spiritual fire extinguisher. As soon as the flames are out I set the extinguisher to the side waiting for the next flare up. True faith is continuous and consistent. When I put my spiritual health at the front of the line in my life, good things happen. All the other relationships in my life bloom and thrive. When I try to run the show things start to go wrong.
A healthy life and faith are like beautiful flowers. It needs water, food, weeding and constant attention. As soon as we feed it less, water it on occasion and settle for the state it is in, it begins to die. I am human and will make lots of mistakes. A mentor to C.S. Lewis made the statement that "man can fail miserably with God, or succeed more miserably without him." These are wise words that I can't let myself ever forget. I need to give thanks for every day, good or bad. My attention to my marriage, children, family and friends need to be tended to at all times. If I begin to lose sight of my blessings all of the beautiful things I have been given will slowly start to die, just like that beautiful flower.
Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Knock, Knock...Who's There?.......NOBODY!
The title of this chapter is a reference to what a lot of alcoholics and addicts face. This includes their loved ones and also those who don't have addiction issues in their family at all. As an addict the demons and conflicts that we fight center in our minds. One of the most common behaviors of addicts is isolation and emotional unavailability. It was certainly one of my most prevalent behaviors when using and maybe before I ever picked up.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
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