When I Think About My Insomnia... I Don't Sleep A Wink!

It's 2:58am in Plainfield. I have been up since 2am. I was laying in bed thinking about getting up since 1:15am. I went to bed at 11:15pm. What I'm trying to say is that I suffer from insomnia. When I think about it, I can't sleep a wink. I've suffered from it for as long as I can remember. It has been at least 12 years, but more likely longer than that. To top it off my body clock wakes me up at 3:46am everyday. Even if I go to bed at midnight! I don't need an alarm clock, it's automatic!

My wife gets up at 4am for work Monday through Friday. I started getting up with her years ago so we could have some time in the morning to be alone before the hustle and bustle of life took us in our separate directions. On the weekends she sleeps in until about 8am. Me? Heck no! I am still up at 3:46am seven days a week. What I wouldn't do to be able to sleep until 8am. I might as well be dreaming about closing for the White Sox because that's just not the way my body works.

As a kid the only times I had trouble sleeping was either on Christmas Eve or the night before I was going to pitch in a baseball game. It wasn't too long ago that I would drink 20 or so beers and I would still wake up at 3:46am. That's enough alcohol to knock out a sperm whale but not me. It didn't matter how much I took or drank, I would still be up before the crack of dawn. Maybe I'll get a job as a paperboy. That seems to me to be the only job where a 3:46am wake up routine would be useful.

I've heard a lot of alcoholics and addicts have sleeping problems. Using chemicals was our knock out formula. When that is taken away there's no more knock out. During the day I take a couple of "power naps" for about 30 minutes each day to make it through the daylight hours. My dad taught me the magic of the power nap when I was about 12. I love them. The fact that I lived in my car for a couple years helped also. I can take a power nap anywhere, anytime.

It's almost 3:30am so I have 16 minutes before my body would be waking me on any other day so I might as well roll with it now. 3 of my 4 dogs get up with me in the middle of the night. My 12 year old Yellow Lab, "Cooter," doesn't get up. She could sleep through a home invasion. Whoever started using the word "dog" as an insult must have had a bad one because I would change places with any of my dogs in a heartbeat. Sleep, play, sleep, eat, sleep, go out, clean your naughty bits, sleep...all sounds like heaven to me.

When I was drinking I would be spending the time I am using now to clean up pee from my bed or come to in the middle of our family room. Sometimes I would even wake up in the bathroom naked, puke all over the place and not knowing how I ended up there. I am so thankful those days are gone. They will stay gone if I stay connected to God, people like me and am honest with myself about what and who I am. I better start wrapping this thing up, my body clock is going to wake me in 9 minutes.

Now I spend this time corresponding with people who connect with me concerning addiction or depression issues. I prayed that when I started this blog I would be able to connect with people like me and share their pain and give them some hope that they can make it through anything, a day or minute at a time. In the last 48 hours I have had 2 people approach me about recovery and dealing with depression. I am grateful that God has allowed me to be a channel for hope and faith in a new way of life to help them find their way.

With each new day, when someone reaches out to me and tells me I am helping them or others with their own struggles, it makes the insomnia okay. I live my life free of guilt, shame and remorse now. In the two months I have been writing, God has spoken through me to give an encouraging word or just help someone through a crazy day. Sometimes it stresses me out and I feel overwhelmed. It is nothing like the continuous assault on my sanity that alcohol created.

We are all messengers of God. I mean the Great Spirit, not a God of a particular color or shape. My human mind can't quantify the concept of God. I do know it is centered in love. We all can spread a little love in this world. So as you get up today and are sipping your morning coffee, or eating your dinner on the other side of the world, try an experiment for me. Say or do something centered in love for everyone you meet or see. To the people we live with greet them with a pleasant "Good Morning!" or compliment them on something.

I know when I lend a hand or a shoulder to cry on, when I just listen or be there for someone I feel better knowing I am making them feel better. It doesn't take a lot of effort or time. The positive energy or love of God is contagious. It is not denominational or exclusive. We all have the ability to change a dark moment into a sunny one for each other every day. When people reach out to me and say I have said or done something to help them, or when they say nothing at all and I see hope growing in their eyes it makes my past worth it.

 If I do not share the gifts and blessings that god has chosen to give me through grace, I just might lose it all. Try my experiment. I guarantee it will make you feel better about you knowing you have made someone feel better about themselves. Give it a shot. You won't be sorry. It's 4:15am. I better get my day started. Hey! A smile goes a long way. Let the experiment begin!

Fear....Our Common Thread.

When I look at all the things that I have gone through with alcoholism and addiction there is one common thread I can trace it back to. That root is fear. Fear used to consume me and paralyze me at the same time. When good things happen to me, I feel like I don't deserve them. When bad things happen to me, again, I don't think I deserve them. It is a vicious circle that keeps me hesitant to move in any direction, afraid that I'll make the wrong choice. Therefore, I sit and do nothing, obsessing about what could or couldn't change my life, day or moment.

The acting and comedy success I have been blessed with so quickly is another one of those crazy cycles. I am by no means a "star" or Comedy Central feature but things may be moving in that direction. That's where my wacky, overloaded, think, think, think mind gets me into trouble. I would love to make it to the top! I also think, what if I make it to the top?! It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss story but it is what I deal with in my every day decision making.

I've made it quite clear that I am terrified of bats and clowns. You can throw spiders I can't smash with a paper towel in there and snakes that can kill me as well. That kind of fear I understand. It's innate in our DNA. Well maybe not the clowns, but the evil critters for sure. You have to admit clowns are creepy. I can stand on the observation deck at the Sears Tower and laugh in the wind. Invite me to a kids birthday party where Bobo the clown is twisting balloons into obscene puppies and I'm running for the door.

I think of how nice it would be to be a ''popular" entertainer and then imagine that popularity being smashed to pieces after the National Enquirer photoshops me next to Ru Paul! I am comforted by doing a job I really love and then get distraught over the thought of seeing my family less. If you notice the things I fear are not the "are's" and "am's" of life. It's the "could be's" and "maybe's." It's a daily "whack a mole upstairs in the arcade" called my mind.

The result of my fear of succeeding or failing in life is to stick with the status quo. That creates a third side to my mental Bermuda triangle because of my disappointment in my unwillingness to take chances. I like simple. I adore predictable. I am infatuated with met expectations. I think I hear the guys with the rubber room pass key coming now.

I have been reminiscing lately about the past as I try to piece together my "lost years." I was really into journaling when I was going to college. This book is my journal to myself that I hope someone will relate to. As I was looking through old journals I found a poem, a bad poem, I had written when I was 19 years old. I'm sure Pulitzer will be looking at this Jim Dandy. My cynicism and fear were already bubbling over:

Looking glass people you can see through their game.

They all wear false faces and they all look the same.

Moving through life to achieve from within,

lying to family and people to win.

They all deserve Oscars for their pure plastic show.

Looking glass people I don't want to know.

The difference now is faith. I don't have a lot of it in myself. I do have faith in the abilities that God has given me. I know that he gave me the gift to communicate. I certainly didn't make me funny or dramatic. Ultimately, I know whether I am a success or failure, I don't have to go it alone. I tried going it alone for way too long. I am not sober because of my efforts. It is all the Great Spirit! He helps me through the day and is always there for me. Even if there is a clown-faced bat with 8 hairy legs in my path, I know God will give me the strength to kill the beast or the speed to get the hell outta there. Thanks, I'll leave my check on the table. See ya next session.

Oh, I almost forgot. To my friend in Iran I can't imagine your life but I can share your feelings. My country says stuff about yours. Your country says stuff about mine. I am glad to know you. There are no borders or agendas when we just look at humanity. We all have the same emotions. They just happen in different landscapes. I am grateful for what I have. I hope you find happiness where you are. I'm sure they have clowns and bats over there. If you need a friend to help you get through a tough spot. I'm here. Nobody can go it alone. Peace!



The Great Spirit... The Last To Know... and the First to Go!

I have to confess that I am lazy. I take things for granted and I can slip back into old thinking and bad habits pretty easy. Whether it's being a good husband, father, son, friend or follower I can get complacent pretty quickly. I think the way to judge where I stand, or sit, in the relationships I listed above are based largely on how good or bad things are going in my life. For me, I am at the top of my game in all these relationships when there is trouble or challenges facing me. But as soon as things smooth out again I slip back into cruise control.

When I am with my wife I am a loving, attentive husband. If she is unhappy with me or anyone else I become "super hubby," jumping up like a loyal Shirpa to meet her every need. It is when I am alone, or things are just peachy, that I get a real gauge on how I am living my life. As I'm driving with my wife in the car and a pretty girl is walking down the street, I take a quick glance and look away out of respect for her feelings and our marriage. If I am alone the glance is a little longer and my thoughts less honorable or down right rotten.

When my kids are having problems with school or a relationship, I am Johnny on the spot to help them with homework or to lend an ear. When they are happy and cruising along through life, my relationship with them becomes less engaging and moves to the back burner. I see that they're okay and don't feel I need to jump in the middle and harsh their life buzz. This is laziness and pure rationalization on my part. If I don't see a problem, I assume that I'm not needed.

I have spoken of the conflicts I go through with my mother. If she is sick, or it's around a holiday or birthday, I see her more. I call her more. I take an active role in her well being and put my discomfort and issues with her to the side. As soon as she gets back on track, or says something hurtful to me, the calls become fewer and the visits nearly extinct. It's easy to do the right thing when things are a little shaky, but when we are on solid ground I retreat into complacency and go back to worrying about me.

When I am navigating my way through life on my own, I truly have a fool as my compass. I work with people in recovery and those who struggle with sobriety. That is the whole purpose in writing this book. If I have a fresh alcohol beaten subject in my midst, I am full of knowledge, guidance and myself. I help them to get a little sobriety under their belt, then push them out of the nest to learn to fly on their own when their wings are just starting to get strong.

It's easy to have faith when you are sitting in a pile of life's bird droppings and have nowhere to look but up. There were innumerable times when I was in hot water and I turned to heaven, begging God to "save me this one last time and I will do thy bidding." "Help my son out of this jam and I'll join the church choir." "Answer my prayers and I will dedicate my life to you and all of humanity." As soon as I was delivered and the heat is off, the prayers slow down to a trickle and my relationship with "Him" goes from confidante to acquaintance.

When the mortgage and bills are paid and all is well, I slip into spiritual cruise control and move from leaning on God, back to leaning on my own understanding. It is when I try to go it alone that things start falling apart in the first place. I go from dedicating all of my life to the will of God, to just filling him in on what's on my life schedule. My insistence on running the show is what gets me into the pickle in the first place! When I go it alone I begin to slowly self destruct.

The true test of faith is when things are good, not bad. When I am on fire I turn to my faith like a spiritual fire extinguisher. As soon as the flames are out I set the extinguisher to the side waiting for the next flare up. True faith is continuous and consistent. When I put my spiritual health at the front of the line in my life, good things happen. All the other relationships in my life bloom and thrive. When I try to run the show things start to go wrong.

A healthy life and faith are like beautiful flowers. It needs water, food, weeding and constant attention. As soon as we feed it less, water it on occasion and settle for the state it is in, it begins to die. I am human and will make lots of mistakes. A mentor to C.S. Lewis made the statement that "man can fail miserably with God, or succeed more miserably without him." These are wise words that I can't let myself ever forget. I need to give thanks for every day, good or bad. My attention to my marriage, children, family and friends need to be tended to at all times. If I begin to lose sight of my blessings all of the beautiful things I have been given will slowly start to die, just like that beautiful flower.