The acting and comedy success I have been blessed with so quickly is another one of those crazy cycles. I am by no means a "star" or Comedy Central feature but things may be moving in that direction. That's where my wacky, overloaded, think, think, think mind gets me into trouble. I would love to make it to the top! I also think, what if I make it to the top?! It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss story but it is what I deal with in my every day decision making.
I've made it quite clear that I am terrified of bats and clowns. You can throw spiders I can't smash with a paper towel in there and snakes that can kill me as well. That kind of fear I understand. It's innate in our DNA. Well maybe not the clowns, but the evil critters for sure. You have to admit clowns are creepy. I can stand on the observation deck at the Sears Tower and laugh in the wind. Invite me to a kids birthday party where Bobo the clown is twisting balloons into obscene puppies and I'm running for the door.
I think of how nice it would be to be a ''popular" entertainer and then imagine that popularity being smashed to pieces after the National Enquirer photoshops me next to Ru Paul! I am comforted by doing a job I really love and then get distraught over the thought of seeing my family less. If you notice the things I fear are not the "are's" and "am's" of life. It's the "could be's" and "maybe's." It's a daily "whack a mole upstairs in the arcade" called my mind.
The result of my fear of succeeding or failing in life is to stick with the status quo. That creates a third side to my mental Bermuda triangle because of my disappointment in my unwillingness to take chances. I like simple. I adore predictable. I am infatuated with met expectations. I think I hear the guys with the rubber room pass key coming now.
I have been reminiscing lately about the past as I try to piece together my "lost years." I was really into journaling when I was going to college. This book is my journal to myself that I hope someone will relate to. As I was looking through old journals I found a poem, a bad poem, I had written when I was 19 years old. I'm sure Pulitzer will be looking at this Jim Dandy. My cynicism and fear were already bubbling over:
Looking glass people you can see through their game.
They all wear false faces and they all look the same.
Moving through life to achieve from within,
lying to family and people to win.
They all deserve Oscars for their pure plastic show.
Looking glass people I don't want to know.
The difference now is faith. I don't have a lot of it in myself. I do have faith in the abilities that God has given me. I know that he gave me the gift to communicate. I certainly didn't make me funny or dramatic. Ultimately, I know whether I am a success or failure, I don't have to go it alone. I tried going it alone for way too long. I am not sober because of my efforts. It is all the Great Spirit! He helps me through the day and is always there for me. Even if there is a clown-faced bat with 8 hairy legs in my path, I know God will give me the strength to kill the beast or the speed to get the hell outta there. Thanks, I'll leave my check on the table. See ya next session.
Oh, I almost forgot. To my friend in Iran I can't imagine your life but I can share your feelings. My country says stuff about yours. Your country says stuff about mine. I am glad to know you. There are no borders or agendas when we just look at humanity. We all have the same emotions. They just happen in different landscapes. I am grateful for what I have. I hope you find happiness where you are. I'm sure they have clowns and bats over there. If you need a friend to help you get through a tough spot. I'm here. Nobody can go it alone. Peace!
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