"The Quiet Man," My Pop's Goodbye and My Beginning

This chapter was written a year ago. I have updated my work. The rest is the unedited version from the one year anniversary of my Dad's death and the first day of me catching my dreams! Soul Parole:Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself will be out by April first on Amazon and Kindle. Personalized copies will be available at soulparole.com.
 Proceeds will benefit Chicago area addiction ,homeless and mental health facilities.


I woke up at exactly midnight today. It is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. Before you read on please understand that I am sad inside but glad that he is at peace. My life has changed dramatically in the year since his passing. Some of it good, some of it bad but all of it sobering and real.

I've heard it said that time heals all wounds. I didn't take the time to look up who said it. I disagree with the quote at this point. It seems harder now than when he went to meet his maker. He was in pain then and I prayed for him to be relieved of his human suffering. At 7:27pm July 21, 2010 God answered my prayers and brought him home.

I was watching "The Quiet Man," the John Wayne/Catherine O'Hara classic, set in Ireland, when I got the call from my sister at the hospital that he was gone. It was his favorite movie. Squeaky and I were watching the movie at the time because she had never seen it. I wanted to share Dad's favorite with her. It was kind of befitting that we were in the middle of THAT film when he passed on to paradise. Pop was big on making grand entrances and exits.

Tonight when I woke up at the stroke of midnight I actually called out his name hoping he would answer. I wanted him to give me a sign that he was here and safe up there. I wanted so desperately to know that he woke me up. Maybe he would knock a book off my night stand or rustle the blinds in an acknowledgement from the other side. He is here. I need only look in the mirror and see him. I resemble him more and more each day.

I am grateful that I was a good son in the final year and a half of his life. I was humbled to shower and shave him and help my second mom and sisters look after him whenever I could. I didn't do much but I did what I could. I can say that I was able to tell him all the things I wanted to say to him. I also heard all the things I hoped to hear from him in that last year and a half. I know he was proud of me. I know God got me sober when He did to be there for those days he needed me most.

At his memorial I did what amounted to a stand-up routine about him and his life. That is what he would have wanted. It was a celebration of his life. We laughed through tears and stories about his mannerisms and quirks. It was my best gig ever. I owe my sense of humor to him more than anyone. My Pop could tell a joke about darned near any subject. His laugh was a blend of Curly from "The Stooges" and Arnold Horshak from "Welcome back Kotter". It was infectious.

2 months later, in the first week of October, we had most of his ashes interred at Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery. The service was grand and patriotic. The twenty one gun salute was deafening. Each shot rattled me to my core. I broke down. All the emotion and stoicism I tried to display the previous 18 months collapsed and I imploded. My eyes flowed like rivers. I crawled around on the ground frantically searching for each of the ejected shells from the rifles that were fired in salute to SGT. Joseph Robert Connolly.

The remaining part of his ashes are to be returned to Ireland just as soon as I can get there. It will complete the wishes of two things my father was passionate about. He loved America and being a Vet, and he loved Ireland. A bagpiper played Danny Boy and Amazing Grace as the tribute was ending. Danny Boy was his favorite Irish song.

The military service was held on a Friday. My second sister Chris Jaksy had been telling me for years to try acting to compliment my comedy. My feelings about mortality were sensitive and raw. I didn't want to leave any regrets on the table. She gave me some names of Chicago casting agents. I sent out my stats and thin resume to a few on Saturday. On Sunday I was contacted by Darlene Hunt, CEO and president of Extraordinary Casting in Chicago She wanted me to play a featured extra role in "Ride Along." It would later be renamed "The Chicago Code" the following day.

My head was still spinning the next day as I sat a few feet from Jennifer Beals and Jason Clarke on my first day in show business. I thought about my dad and was bitten by the acting bug BAD! I loved everything about it. I wear my Dad's cross and carry a memento from him on every movie or TV project I do. I figure we are going to Hollywood together. I was not nervous about working with celebrities. My father's death showed me that mortality is for everybody. Some jobs are just more glamorous than others. That takes us back to now.

Since that day I have appeared as an extra in 8 TV series and done 7 films. I have had speaking roles in 5 films and have done 4 commercials and an industrial film. That's a busy 12 months. I have been blessed and driven. My comedy career has put me on stages around Chicago and at Statesville Prison as a part of Comics for Convicts Faith Outreach. I leave soon for Northern California seeking therapy for a life long phobia for a cable station.

I miss the Big Bopper more each day. Not less. I owe so much to him. He never gave up on me but did lay some tough love on me at the right times. I do not mourn his death. I mourn for his life and wish we could talk about the Bears just one more time. I feel him sometimes. I see him every time I shave. I thank God for my sobriety and his timing for it. My dad gave me so many gifts and bailed me out of jam after jam. I will make it through today moment by moment. I will watch the Duke and I will listen to Danny Boy endlessly and give thanks over a tear or three for having known Bob Connolly. I am proud to be his son. Thanks God for your grace, mercy and my dad. To my FATHER'S" in heaven I love you....

SQUEAKY HAD A BABY at the "Chicago Code" PREMIERE!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the.........Chicago Code Premiere!

A funny thing happened on the way to the Chicago premiere of "The Chicago Code." The show starts Monday February 7, 2011, at 9pm on FOX. The first month of ratings will determine if there is a season two. I'm sure there will be because the show ROCKS! It has obvious appeal to Chicagoans, being shot entirely in the city and 'burbs. The story line, edgy feel, great writing and acting by Jennifer Beals, Jason Clarke, Delroy Lindo, Matt Lauria and the rest of the cast, create a dynamic that is attractive to any audience, in any market.

I pray for a second season, not only for the work, but because the cast and crew are amazing. We need your support for this show, every week, so we get picked up for a second season! I ended up on the editing floor in the pilot, but that's show biz. I am proud to have been a part of several episodes, starting with episode 2. From the first day I walked onto the set I could feel that I was a part of something special. All the cast and crew bonded immediately and working 14 hour days became fun, no matter how physically exhausting.

   Photo Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox Television

The premiere party was held at Hollywood Boulevard Theatre in Woodridge. The place was packed with cast and crew and local news crews were on hand to interview some of the VIP's. Hosted by the amazing Darlene Hunt and daughter Rachel, we were greeted with gifts and an air of excitement. It was my first official premiere as an actor and my head was bobbing like a kid in a candy store. I can't tell you much about the show but the shots of Chicago, great acting and fresh plot are sure to make the show a hit. I am truly grateful to be a part of such an amazing project. But that is not where the story begins or ends.

A good friend of mine, and fellow "Chicago Code" actor, Edward Majka doesn't drive. He called me early in the afternoon to see if we could pick him up at the Downers Grove train station and get him to the premiere. I obliged and we set out early to gather up my friend. On the way I asked Squeaky if she wanted Starbucks - her liquid crack. She said no and we navigated the icy streets of Downers Grove to rendezvous at the train station. I have mentioned I have O.C.D. about being late and we arrived 30 minutes before Edward was due to arrive.

There is another Starbucks strategically located on Main Street, right across from the station. I told my wife I wanted a cup of Joe and that it was a great place to meet Edward. We purchased our coffees and I picked up the new Greg Allman CD "Low Country Blues." Four stars I might add. It is a must for Blues aficionado's. As I added sugar, cream and cinnamon to my steamy beverage, my wife spotted a flyer with a picture of a cute, wee puppy named Fiona. I was busy ripping the plastic off my Cd and stirring my coffee, running through our time table to make sure we would make the premiere on time.

Being the cynical, losing faith in humans, kinda guy I am, I thought the poster was for a missing dog. I remarked that "Some idiot probably stole the dog and has it up for sale on the Internet as we speak." My wife went on to tell me that the pup, named Fiona, was from a family that had an old dog that couldn't handle the rambunctious little Japanese Chin/Pekingese playmate. They also had a nephew who was allergic to her and it limited his ability to visit his auntie regularly. My wife looked at me. Her eyes spoke volumes. I had seen it before when we rescued Grace! I called the number and asked the owner to meet us back at the coffee shop at 8:30.

We grabbed Edward and shot to the premiere party. Squeaky was speaking in the present tense about Fiona, the 1 1/2 year old, 8 pound Pekingese/Chin. "Do you like her name?", "How do you think she WILL get along with Grace?" I played the straight man telling her to slow down and we would talk about it later. Inside, I am as squishy as wet sand between your toes when it comes to animals. It's humans that seem to rub me the wrong way. As we watched the premiere I could tell Squeaky was already picking out places to put her bed and how to configure the feeding stations in the kitchen. 

After the premiere wrapped up Squeaky began the Ali, "rope-a-dope" on me. "Something called us to that Starbucks. You know that." "She is the same breed as Grace!" I knew that unless the pup was ridden with ticks and fleas, and hungry for the fingers of Italian women, Fiona would be coming home with us. Even if she had all those conditions, we probably would have taken her out of pity and nursed her back to health. When I met Kris, she didn't even care much for dogs. Now we have four. Stay tuned to Hoarders because I see myself in a guest shot soon. I am glad I passed on my love and kindness towards all of God's creatures to my wife and kids. They share the same passions for critters as I do.

At 8:30pm the deal went down in the vestibule of Starbucks. The owner handed my wife the tiny pup, who instantly licked her nose. A Hollywood director couldn't have written it any better. It was over. I had a new pup named Fiona. We got her home and our other female Pekingese/Chin, Grace, was dominating her right from the start. I officiated and introduced Fiona to the pack correctly. As the Alpha Dog I placed her between my legs and the butt sniffing parade began. 

Just like when our kids were small, Squeaky passed out for the night and I was left to comfort our tiny guest. I think I got a total of about 2 hours sleep. Fiona slept between the couch and my back. My fear of squishing her miniature frame had me contorting my body to accommodate her comfort. I'm like butter when it comes to creatures big and small, except bats. We made it through the night with all troops alive and accounted for.

I really do not believe in coincidence. I had the call from Edward for a ride, the stop at Starbucks after my wife turned down my first offer earlier. I also did an episode of "Shameless" where the lead actress is named of course, Fiona. What a night, my first movie premiere gala, the pride of being a part of what is sure to be a hit series, and a new baby in the family. See ya on Animal Hoarders Chicago soon. Until then I would like to welcome, Fiona Apple Schmutzy Connolly!

Spring in Chicago Means...... Baseball and Film Season is Here!

I have been busy. I hope you have. When I'm busy I don't have time to think and worry, obsess and isolate. Most people hope for the days when their schedule slows down and they can catch their breath. Not me. I like when things are crazy, busy, day packed top to bottom. It's when I'm bored and alone that the carnival I know as my mind takes me to the fun house with those mirrors that distort things and make me uncomfortable. I guess as part of my basic make up I enjoy chaos.

I have started writing for a publisher and have had some articles and photographs published already. You can find these at www.triond.com/tommyconnolly . The venture is something I have always wanted to do: to be a published author. So many of my dreams are coming true. None of them would be possible without the help of God, recovery and friends like you. At 45 I may be falling apart but I am catching my dreams. I'm not chasing them anymore. The difference between a dream and a reality is one you imagine and one you do.

I have been lining up more comedy dates and have worked on 2 films with a third this weekend. You might say I am a man on a mission. I am. I wasted so much time, being wasted for so much of the time. Now I am doing productive things. I have helped a handful of people jump into the film business. That rocks my world. I try to put 2 smiles on people's faces for every frown I created over 28 years of addiction and depression. I try to play tag with the world. When I tag someone it's with hope and encouragement that life is for living, not being frozen in a moment or trapped in fear. You can start your life over with the next sunrise. All you have to do is do.

Baseball has begun and my beloved White Sox are doing okay. The pitching is average but over all I am optimistic about the season. More importantly, the warmer weather brings film and TV work to Chicago, the most beautiful city in the world. There are pilots being shot in town for MTV, a pilot for a comedy starring Frazier, funny man Kelsey Grammar, Superman is heading back into town and so many more projects I hope to have work up through Christmas. I have already worked on one of the projects. It was a 13 hour day and I loved it!

There is nothing like the insanity and collective vision on a set. I could spend hours just watching the crew setting the lighting, moving the sets, placing the props. The only thing I don't like about the film business is that they aren't too thrilled with Chicago winters. There should be more films about hockey, ice fishing and figure skating. That would solve the problem.

On the home front, sobriety is day to day. I am doing all the things I need to do to maintain it. When I am busy I need to ALWAYS keep God and the knowledge of my addictive past at the center of my mind and heart and work from there. If I start to slip away from sobriety, I will step right back into a bar or dope house. That's the fact Jack! 

I miss Cooter, big dumb dog. She has been gone for almost a month now. My mom had to put her Chloe down and that brought all the feelings of loss rushing back. I love my dogs with every ounce of my being but saying goodbye hurts me the same as if it were one of my children. I have gotten more involved with PET PARDON. Please look for them on Face book. You can find them on my page at www.facebook.com/tommyconnollycomedian . You can adopt or sponsor a dog. You can even be a virtual foster parent. Please check out Kiva.com as well.

KIVA is a non-profit organization that is a charity where you and I LOAN money to people whom we choose from around the world to help them become entrepreneurs for as little as $25 bucks! It's not a hand out. You can track the progress of the project you fund and the person you are supporting. It is a beautiful concept and one I am honored to be a part of.

There has been some craziness too. My daughter Andrea is coming home from Germany soon. I can't wait. She has been helping me with my articles. She is an amazing editor and I am looking forward to giving her a wet sloppy kiss on her beautiful Italian face! Sunny is doing well for the most part but has had a set back or two. We love and support her, but can't keep her locked in a cage. Like all of us, she is given free choice in this world to make her own decisions. I just pray for her to find the way to a straight path. She is attracted to the rocky road like a magnet. She reminds me of me and I am powerless over her choices. I can share my love, my God and my hope with her. The rest is up to her.

Well I guess that's the quick update. Last night they ran "The Chicago Code" episode that began my journey to today. My father's memorial service was on a Friday and I appeared in the episode 3 days later. I took the chance. I caught a dream. I got off my butt and went for it. Life is always full of the things we are going to do the next day or we waste today regretting yesterday. That is such wasted energy and time. Today is a gift, that IS why it's the PRESENT! God Bless. Catch a dream today and spread a little sunshine today. Love ya!

Easter with the family.....Hope for Humanity...And A New Outlet For Da' Gift!

Happy Easter! I hope you spent it with your family. If not I hope you spent it happily, doing something that brings you joy. I am a Christian so the day had happiness and hope surrounding it for me. I also spent it with my kids and had a Skype call with my daughter in Germany. I saw or spoke with all the kids, with the exceptions of Kelly. I am confident, that wherever she is, her mother made her day special as well.

12 years ago today I was in rehab. It put the day in perspective for me. Easter 1999 was a family day at "SHARE" rehabilitation in Hoffman Estates. None of my family came to see me. I had lost that privilege. The lies and manipulation of my alcoholism an addiction had left me on the inside looking out and the outside looking inward. It wasn't a wasted day in my life. It was a painful one, yes, but I was growing and I know now that's exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in my life. Why? Because it made this one possible.

The kids know everything about my past. It keeps me honest with myself and them. I hope it also provides them with insight into the pain and horrors I went through to reach the gifts of today. Squeaky made a wonderful ham and chicken dinner and we gave "Da' Schmutz," our Pekingese/Chin, a shave. She didn't care for it all that much. After we ate and were done with the grooming I reflected on where I was at this moment. I realized that what I have is beyond thousands of people's wildest dreams. By American standards I am middle class. By third world standards, I am a king!

I am grateful for what I have. I am more grateful for what I haven't been given. Starting tomorrow, "Every Day is a Gift NOW" will move to the world of talk radio. Specifically it will move to www.blogtalkradio.com/tommyconnolly  

The first show will be on at 9:30-10am Central time. Click on the link and enjoy the show. The time slot is temporary. I will be taking the program to an "on demand" format almost immediately. Filming season is beginning here in Chicago and I will know in the next few days if I will be part of a new pilot. There is also the rumors of a second season of "The Chicago Code" and a few projects I have brewing. Acting and comedy is not a spectator sport. If you want to get in the game you have to be constantly looking for opportunities where players are needed.

The show will go beyond addiction and depression issues. I want to break the fourth wall and bring your stories into the show. I also want to talk about chasing your dreams and making life happen TODAY! The radio format will also open up the chance for me to bring in guests from the film, TV, radio, comedy and acting industry to share professional and personal inspiration with you guys. It's time to kick this thing up a notch!

I will continue to do this show on "Blogtalkradio." I like that the radio blog will allow for dialogue. There is nothing more refreshing and provocative than two minds or more engaged in creative problem solving. I am looking forward to the challenge.

That's all I got for now. I hope you tune in. If not, keep reading. Remember Every Day is a Gift...That's why They Call it the PRESENT. Peace and Love.

Me a Cop? "The Chicago Code" Basic Police Code Course with John Folino, Jr.

I hope you guys caught last night's episode "Cabrini Green" on "The Chicago Code".  I was in the FOX episode 3 times. I am truly grateful to be a part of such a quality show that focuses on the real life portrayal of the life of a Chicago police officer. Detective John Folino, Jr. is the "go to guy" and technical advisor who works with show creator and writer Shawn Ryan. He makes the show authentic and insists on "respect for the uniform." He also embraces the importance of the brotherhood that is represented in the show. Sunday, I was lucky enough to take a basic police code course for the program with John, Henry Rush, a Veteran of the force, and a handful of "Chicago Code" actors.

It was surreal for me as I drove to the course which is taught in Elmwood Park, Illinois. In my years of active alcoholism and addiction, Elmwood Park was close to where I spent my year plus days of homelessness and total despair. Stone Park was my turf for 2 years as I struggled to find sobriety. When I say home, I was homeless living in my car, occasionally staying at one of the many transient motels along Route 45/Lagrange Road. As I drove by some of those old haunts, bars and liquor stores, I couldn't help but remember the pain I endured as an addict 14 years earlier. At that time, Lagrange Road in Stone Park was a playground for drunks, dealers, thugs and Vice. I blended in perfectly with the scenery, stumbling to my hotel, living my life in a loop of addiction, fear, pain and isolation.

As a person who made it to the other side of addiction and alcoholism, I couldn't help but thinking every day really is a gift. I knew then that each day that I hopped on the merry-go-round of hell that had become my life, might be my last. Folino pointed out to us that every day an officer leaves for work he realizes it may be his last. As I flashed forward to my participation in the class I was reminded that I am one of the lucky ones and sobriety is truly amazing. I was actually driving toward the police and was looking forward to spending my day with them. In those dark years, I did everything I could to avoid them. It would be more likely for me to dine with Elvis than to spend an afternoon with a guy and a badge.

The course is designed for extras and actors to learn some basic police vocabulary, weapon handling, cuffing and protocol. The goal of the course is to teach "respect for the uniform and the people who risk their lives to protect us daily." One of the interesting things John hit on was the city of Chicago flag and its meaning. The 2 blue bars represent the Northside and Southside. The four red stars represent the Great fire of 1871, the 1893 Columbian Exposition, Fort Dearborn (commerce), and the Century of Progress World Exposition. Thank John and Henry for that info when you win your next game of trivial pursuit.

       (Truly honored. Me and Det. John Folino, Jr., Technical Advisor "The Chicago Code.")

The thing that struck me the most about John was his passion and dedication to his profession and his insistence to keeping consistent, professional respect for wearing the uniform for the city of Chicago. As a full-time member of the force and his work on "The Chicago Code", Folino still makes time to teach actors how to "portray" an officer on his time off. John also works with families of fallen officers who gave their lives to serve and protect US! From the way a hat is properly worn, to the proper presentation of the uniform, no detail is too small for John to overlook.

Most "cop" shows pay little attention to protocol and the respect that should be given to the position of honor as an officer. We spent most of our day discussing that. We learned proper weapon handling, cuffing, searches and professionalism. John Folino and Henry Rush are two guys who represent the city, the department and "The Chicago Code" the way it should be, with integrity and honor. I look forward to future courses Mr. Folino rolls out for the cast of the show.

By participating in the show it opens up more opportunities for me in season two. You guys keep watching because the show only gets hotter from here. People have said I could be related to Jason Clarke's character Jarek. I hope casting thinks the same way. I will still pursue my dream of landing a speaking role on the show. That would be amazing. If not, I know that if I am cast as an officer or detective, I will treat the uniform and position with the greatest respect.

It's been 14 years since my addiction put me on the other side of the badge. Sobriety and recovery are a gift that I don't take lightly. Stressing the importance of how members of the Chicago Police Department are brothers and family, working with each other to make our world safer, reminds me of recovery itself. You can't do it on your own. That's the fact! You can start your life over any day you choose to when you are "sick and tired of being sick and tired." I am living proof of that. A few short years ago when I was lost in addiction and booze you could never get me to believe I would be taking a police training course and on a hit TV show. The fact that I have, is testimony that in sobriety anything is possible.

When your house is on fire and you see a huge red firetruck racing to save your home, there's relief. Your first thought is of thanks that your home may be saved. In most cases when folks like you and me see a police car with flashing lights we think, "Oh no, what did I do?" Both professions are there to make our lives better and our communities safer. I understand that now and will never look at a police officer the same way again. Thanks John, Henry and Darlene! Keep watching!

Fear....Our Common Thread.

When I look at all the things that I have gone through with alcoholism and addiction there is one common thread I can trace it back to. That root is fear. Fear used to consume me and paralyze me at the same time. When good things happen to me, I feel like I don't deserve them. When bad things happen to me, again, I don't think I deserve them. It is a vicious circle that keeps me hesitant to move in any direction, afraid that I'll make the wrong choice. Therefore, I sit and do nothing, obsessing about what could or couldn't change my life, day or moment.

The acting and comedy success I have been blessed with so quickly is another one of those crazy cycles. I am by no means a "star" or Comedy Central feature but things may be moving in that direction. That's where my wacky, overloaded, think, think, think mind gets me into trouble. I would love to make it to the top! I also think, what if I make it to the top?! It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss story but it is what I deal with in my every day decision making.

I've made it quite clear that I am terrified of bats and clowns. You can throw spiders I can't smash with a paper towel in there and snakes that can kill me as well. That kind of fear I understand. It's innate in our DNA. Well maybe not the clowns, but the evil critters for sure. You have to admit clowns are creepy. I can stand on the observation deck at the Sears Tower and laugh in the wind. Invite me to a kids birthday party where Bobo the clown is twisting balloons into obscene puppies and I'm running for the door.

I think of how nice it would be to be a ''popular" entertainer and then imagine that popularity being smashed to pieces after the National Enquirer photoshops me next to Ru Paul! I am comforted by doing a job I really love and then get distraught over the thought of seeing my family less. If you notice the things I fear are not the "are's" and "am's" of life. It's the "could be's" and "maybe's." It's a daily "whack a mole upstairs in the arcade" called my mind.

The result of my fear of succeeding or failing in life is to stick with the status quo. That creates a third side to my mental Bermuda triangle because of my disappointment in my unwillingness to take chances. I like simple. I adore predictable. I am infatuated with met expectations. I think I hear the guys with the rubber room pass key coming now.

I have been reminiscing lately about the past as I try to piece together my "lost years." I was really into journaling when I was going to college. This book is my journal to myself that I hope someone will relate to. As I was looking through old journals I found a poem, a bad poem, I had written when I was 19 years old. I'm sure Pulitzer will be looking at this Jim Dandy. My cynicism and fear were already bubbling over:

Looking glass people you can see through their game.

They all wear false faces and they all look the same.

Moving through life to achieve from within,

lying to family and people to win.

They all deserve Oscars for their pure plastic show.

Looking glass people I don't want to know.

The difference now is faith. I don't have a lot of it in myself. I do have faith in the abilities that God has given me. I know that he gave me the gift to communicate. I certainly didn't make me funny or dramatic. Ultimately, I know whether I am a success or failure, I don't have to go it alone. I tried going it alone for way too long. I am not sober because of my efforts. It is all the Great Spirit! He helps me through the day and is always there for me. Even if there is a clown-faced bat with 8 hairy legs in my path, I know God will give me the strength to kill the beast or the speed to get the hell outta there. Thanks, I'll leave my check on the table. See ya next session.

Oh, I almost forgot. To my friend in Iran I can't imagine your life but I can share your feelings. My country says stuff about yours. Your country says stuff about mine. I am glad to know you. There are no borders or agendas when we just look at humanity. We all have the same emotions. They just happen in different landscapes. I am grateful for what I have. I hope you find happiness where you are. I'm sure they have clowns and bats over there. If you need a friend to help you get through a tough spot. I'm here. Nobody can go it alone. Peace!



A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the.........Chicago Code Premiere!

A funny thing happened on the way to the Chicago premiere of "The Chicago Code." The show starts Monday February 7, 2011, at 9pm on FOX. The first month of ratings will determine if there is a season two. I'm sure there will be because the show ROCKS! It has obvious appeal to Chicagoans, being shot entirely in the city and 'burbs. The story line, edgy feel, great writing and acting by Jennifer Beals, Jason Clarke, Delroy Lindo, Matt Lauria and the rest of the cast, create a dynamic that is attractive to any audience, in any market.

I pray for a second season, not only for the work, but because the cast and crew are amazing. We need your support for this show, every week, so we get picked up for a second season! I ended up on the editing floor in the pilot, but that's show biz. I am proud to have been a part of several episodes, starting with episode 2. From the first day I walked onto the set I could feel that I was a part of something special. All the cast and crew bonded immediately and working 14 hour days became fun, no matter how physically exhausting.

The premiere party was held at Hollywood Boulevard Theatre in Woodridge. The place was packed with cast and crew and local news crews were on hand to interview some of the VIP's. Hosted by the amazing Darlene Hunt and daughter Rachel, we were greeted with gifts and an air of excitement. It was my first official premiere as an actor and my head was bobbing like a kid in a candy store. I can't tell you much about the show but the shots of Chicago, great acting and fresh plot are sure to make the show a hit. I am truly grateful to be a part of such an amazing project. But that is not where the story begins or ends.

A good friend of mine, and fellow "Chicago Code" actor, Edward Majka doesn't drive. He called me early in the afternoon to see if we could pick him up at the Downers Grove train station and get him to the premiere. I obliged and we set out early to gather up my friend. On the way I asked Squeaky if she wanted Starbucks - her liquid crack. She said no and we navigated the icy streets of Downers Grove to rendezvous at the train station. I have mentioned I have O.C.D. about being late and we arrived 30 minutes before Edward was due to arrive.

There is another Starbucks strategically located on Main Street, right across from the station. I told my wife I wanted a cup of Joe and that it was a great place to meet Edward. We purchased our coffees and I picked up the new Greg Allman CD "Low Country Blues." Four stars I might add. It is a must for Blues aficionado's. As I added sugar, cream and cinnamon to my steamy beverage, my wife spotted a flyer with a picture of a cute, wee puppy named Fiona. I was busy ripping the plastic off my Cd and stirring my coffee, running through our time table to make sure we would make the premiere on time.

Being the cynical, losing faith in humans, kinda guy I am, I thought the poster was for a missing dog. I remarked that "Some idiot probably stole the dog and has it up for sale on the Internet as we speak." My wife went on to tell me that the pup, named Fiona, was from a family that had an old dog that couldn't handle the rambunctious little Japanese Chin/Pekingese playmate. They also had a nephew who was allergic to her and it limited his ability to visit his auntie regularly. My wife looked at me. Her eyes spoke volumes. I had seen it before when we rescued Grace! I called the number and asked the owner to meet us back at the coffee shop at 8:30.

We grabbed Edward and shot to the premiere party. Squeaky was speaking in the present tense about Fiona, the 1 1/2 year old, 8 pound Pekingese/Chin. "Do you like her name?", "How do you think she WILL get along with Grace?" I played the straight man telling her to slow down and we would talk about it later. Inside, I am as squishy as wet sand between your toes when it comes to animals. It's humans that seem to rub me the wrong way. As we watched the premiere I could tell Squeaky was already picking out places to put her bed and how to configure the feeding stations in the kitchen.

After the premiere wrapped up Squeaky began the Ali, "rope-a-dope" on me. "Something called us to that Starbucks. You know that." "She is the same breed as Grace!" I knew that unless the pup was ridden with ticks and fleas, and hungry for the fingers of Italian women, Fiona would be coming home with us. Even if she had all those conditions, we probably would have taken her out of pity and nursed her back to health. When I met Kris, she didn't even care much for dogs. Now we have four. Stay tuned to Hoarders because I see myself in a guest shot soon. I am glad I passed on my love and kindness towards all of God's creatures to my wife and kids. They share the same passions for critters as I do.

At 8:30pm the deal went down in the vestibule of Starbucks. The owner handed my wife the tiny pup, who instantly licked her nose. A Hollywood director couldn't have written it any better. It was over. I had a new pup named Fiona. We got her home and our other female Pekingese/Chin, Grace, was dominating her right from the start. I officiated and introduced Fiona to the pack correctly. As the Alpha Dog I placed her between my legs and the butt sniffing parade began.

Just like when our kids were small, Squeaky passed out for the night and I was left to comfort our tiny guest. I think I got a total of about 2 hours sleep. Fiona slept between the couch and my back. My fear of squishing her miniature frame had me contorting my body to accommodate her comfort. I'm like butter when it comes to creatures big and small, except bats. We made it through the night with all troops alive and accounted for.

I really do not believe in coincidence. I had the call from Edward for a ride, the stop at Starbucks after my wife turned down my first offer earlier. I also did an episode of "Shameless" where the lead actress is named of course, Fiona. What a night, my first movie premiere gala, the pride of being a part of what is sure to be a hit series, and a new baby in the family. See ya on Animal Hoarders Chicago soon. Until then I would like to welcome, Fiona Apple Schmutzy Connolly!

We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimmin' in a Fish Bowl, Year After Year..Pink Floyd

I have spoken in recent chapters about being emotionally unavailable or incapable of having functional, healthy relationships with people when I was drinking and using. In my experiences an addict doesn't have the capability to connect fully with another human when they are in the midst of active addiction. The disease creates an obsession, so strong, so uncompromising in its demands, that even when we are with our loved ones, we are not "all there." We are thinking about the next drink, hit, high or escape.

I have had an inability to connect with my mother over the years of my addiction, undiagnosed depression issues, or more specifically, before I ever picked up and learned to live with my depression. Take a moment and think about the people in your orbit. There is somebody who you just can't reach. It's someone you love and you feel that your efforts at making them happy are never good enough. There is someone who you desperately want approval from and a deeper relationship with but that just never materializes.

My mother is a fiercely independent woman, who prefers isolation and solitude over "lovey-dovey" chats. Deep heart felt conversations are rare, if ever, and I accept that. She was never the PTA, go to the game, "rah-rah" type of mom. She had work and her own issues to work through. My grandmother wasn't exactly warm-n-fuzzy. My grandfather, I can tell you very little about, even though I spent a lot of time with him. I know he enjoyed his beer and wasn't much for conversation. I don't know what she has lived through to make her who she is. Nor have I walked a mile in her shoes.

This is not meant as a finger pointing session, but a deep confession of frustration. I don't hold resentments towards her or anyone. Resentments are where we drink the poison and wait for the other guy to die. Any person you hold a resentment towards, probably isn't sitting in front of the fire thinking about you right now. Plain and simply put, I do not let people live in my head rent free. She is who she is. That is a simple statement of truth. That doesn't make it any easier but I am amazed that at age 45 I am still waiting for a magical day that just isn't going to come.

For years I blamed my drinking and addiction on my folks and found myself dialing them up drunk and telling them what complete failures they were as parents. That worked for a long time until the day my mother responded to my berating with a cool reply of "Maybe you're not the son I wanted to have either." That really hit me between the eyes and ended my drunken calls. It was a true statement. I couldn't argue with her. Addicts drink "AT" people. When I quit using it was pointed out to me that I hadn't lived with her in 20 years and continued to use. My excuse was rendered ridiculous. She also never poured it down my throat. I am responsible for my addiction. There was always someone to blame for my woes. I was the one who got me high.

My mom and I are a lot alike. We are sensitive, deep, dark and brooding. I know that plays into the difficulties over our connection. We are like rams butting heads, not in a fight for territory, but because that's the way we are. We go through some good patches and then go on the skids. It's a pattern we have repeated for years. I chuckle to myself, in an unhappy way, that I am a grown man and am still craving love from my mommy, like a 5 year old child.

It has gotten to the point that phone calls are excruciating. I don't know what to say after we have covered her health, her dog and the weather. After that it is like I am forcing conversation that is awkward and difficult. I know one thing for sure. After the phone call is over, I am left feeling sad. There is a hint of bitterness in her goodbyes. My mother can let me know what a disappointment I am just by the tone of her voice. When we see each other it is pleasant, but I always sense that I have treated her inadequately or am on her icky list and don't know why. She always seems to look at me like all I do is let her down. I certainly know I did horrible things as a drunk but this vibe has been there since I fully comprehended that she was my mother.

In the 5 years I have done comedy she has never seen me perform. Her response to my acting and film work is "Do I have to call you Mr. Hollywood now?" She hates FOX so won't see me on "The Chicago Code" and has never heard of "Shameless" or Showtime. I am auditioning for a full feature film thriller. She has already said she won't see it because "she doesn't like films like that." I know I sound bitter. I think this chapter is more for me than you but I know some of you have to share these same frustrations.

I am not some diva or movie star who wants her to "ooh and ah" over my profession. I am pleased with my work and have great passion for it. I just want to be recognized as making her happy or proud or at least not a gaping wound in her life that will never heal. That is what I have wanted my whole life no matter what profession I was in. But why? I know I haven't been the greatest son in the world, but it seems like when I get two steps ahead in our relationship, something happens, and I slip back three.

I know the key is acceptance. I do accept her for who she is but that doesn't make it any easier. When I feel bad or insignificant, the self assuring thought of "oh, well that's just the way Mom is" doesn't cut it. Actually if she suddenly changed and became interested in my life and engaged fully in it, I would probably be even more uncomfortable at this point in my life. I would think she went soft.

In my sobriety, I am really starting to see that we are all messed up somehow, someway. I avoided "feelings" for years through self-medication and drowning in my own depression. We are all just trying to get through this life as happily as possible. I love my mom with all my heart. She is who she is. That is the fact. I am the goof who dreams of a chicken suddenly turning into a peacock. I am sure there are people in my life who feel these same things about me.

I will continue to make the awkward phone calls and choose my words carefully when we speak. My wife, family and friends give me great support and I am grateful for that. I can pray for her to change but the outcomes are out of my control. I will take our relationship like all of life, one day at a time. I will keep the faith, and do what I gotta do.

Thanks for the session. I will leave a check on the credenza and I will schedule another appointment with the lady in reception. Be safe. Do your best. God Bless you all.

We're All Human Just Squirrels Looking for a Nut....

I am writing with a shot of melancholy. It may be my depression which can take me from feeling like heaven to a lonely hell, faster than a 2 minute commercial break. It might just be life. You never know. I am a fixer, trying to make the world happy, all 60 billion of them at once. Usually it's just the handful of people in my orbit, but I want to make everyone happy. All of my arranging and staging, planning and execution usually backfires. I may make some happy and one sad. I may make everyone happy and be the one ending up sad. It's a lot of work being a fixer.

In my world my son has girlfriend issues, my wife has work issues, my daughter has health issues and I feel the need to fix things I can't control instead of accepting life just the way it's supposed to be, until the next sunrise. I know this too shall pass when things are good or bad. It is a blip in the very blessed life that I have been given.

Being in comedy and acting is a very exciting lifestyle and I have had the opportunity to meet and work with celebrities and movie stars. I have talked with famous comedians and actors and was exhilarated by the opportunities. As my career grows there will be many more of these meetings and high profile events. I am grateful for that. I am not a movie star or famous comedian. I have been an extra in a few episodes of "The Chicago Code" and "Shameless." I was an extra in the film "Contagion" and "One Small Hitch." I have played many comedy clubs around Chicago and been featured a few times. I have starred in one commercial. There have been a few radio interviews and newspaper features based on my addiction and recovery.

That sounds so cool. It's stuff we dream about as kids and maybe even as adults. I would be a liar if I said I didn't get satisfaction out of my career and the adulation that comes with it, but I am just a guy. I have the same feelings, sadness, joy, setbacks and successes as anyone. There is no difference between me and Billy at the video store, Matt Damon or you. My job just seems more interesting to some than the video store gig.

I had to break off a Facebook friendship with a person because they thought I was something more than I am; and that is just a man. It really hurt me to break off the relationship but it was becoming unhealthy for the both of us. I have led an interesting life and have struggled through some demoralizing circumstances and made it through to the other side. The most important lesson I have learned from working in show biz is that we are all just a bunch of squirrels trying to find a nut. We are all just trying to keep it together for one more day. Some of us do it under a sink with a wrench, others on a 40 foot screen or TV.

I remember when I met BB King when I was working in radio. He is one of my blues idols. I was shaking like a leaf. I thought he had on too much cologne. When I met Iggy Pop at WXRT I was shaking like a leaf and in awe that he was shirtless and as crazy as I imagined he would be. Most of us have met a "celebrity" along the road sometime and were fascinated with their fame and glamour. Each one of them went home, had a bite to eat, brushed their teeth, took a pee and went to bed.

I hope this entry doesn't come off as smug. It is meant as the complete opposite. I am blessed to have a voice in helping people understand addiction and depression a little bit better. That is my message. I am just a messenger. I am just like a bike delivery guy but don't have the skin tight weenie pants on when I deliver my message.

My fascination with celebrity was "right sized" when I worked with Jennifer Beals on my first day on "The Chicago Code." She was professional and had a job to do. She didn't float on air and gushed at showing pictures of her child to the cast and crew. She was just a doting mother beaming at her beautiful child. It was at that moment my amazement and nervousness at working with a star went away. She was just a lovely lady showing her family pictures proud as a peacock. The celebrity life is an exciting life but we all will live and die, turn to dust and be forgotten. We all have issues to face, kids to raise, bills to pay, feelings of joy and sadness no matter what we do for a living.

I truly pray that if I ever find some level of success when I am a full time professional actor or comic, that I don't change. If I do I know you guys will slap me back down to size. I think I have a pretty good grip on it, but I'm giving you the go ahead to let me know if my melon is getting too big for the patch. To my friend I am flattered that you think of me as more than what I am. There are many more well qualified people to talk to and share your world with. You are a beautiful person.

Single mothers and fathers, parents and teachers, cops and firemen, nurses and healthcare workers, volunteers and the forgotten are heroes in my world. When I am dead and gone please remember me as a father and husband, son and brother, friend and a regular guy who tried to share hope and laughter in a dark world and help people understand the complexity of addiction and depression.....and oh yeah he was a comedian and actor too.....God Bless!

My First Big Money Gig... and I ALMOST Didn't Make it!

I have been a lifelong resident of the Chicagoland area. I love almost everything about it. I am a southsider, through and through, from my baseball team, to blues music and soul food. When I cross State and Madison I feel somewhat like an alien, out of place and definitely under dressed. No knock. I love all of Chicago. There are places North of Madison I really enjoy. I love Navy Pier, Oak Street Beach, Lincoln Park and the zoo, and even though I've done it a hundred times, I still get a rush when I navigate the slow curve at Lake/Oak, on Lakeshore Drive. Rush and Division our Bourbon Street, "City Style". I have performed at a lot of clubs on the North side, but they often don't enjoy the brilliance of my south side humor.

I had to got to a wardrobe fitting and run through for the automotive commercial I am filming tomorrow. I am really anal retentive, leaning towards O.C.D., about some things. The list is long but here are some of the major qwirks.

1. I have to have something to drink with me at all times. God gave me a big mouth and shorted me on the saliva to lubricate my mouth for the crap I spew. 2. I smell everything! This is not limited to food. I feel the need to smell all the world offers. If I scratch my head, sniff-sniff. Smells pretty clean. If I hug or kiss someone sniff-sniff. It gets more neurotic than that. But for the sake of common decency, we will leave the smell thing there.
3. I obsess about my wallet and keys. When I lock my car door someplace. I stand there saying to myself, "door is locked, key in hand," "door is locked, key in hand," 10 times staring at the key.
4. I wear sunglasses on sunny days or won't drive. I have sun sensitivity. There are dollar pairs of shades all over my house and car.
5. My number one neurotic habit, that is really not so bad, is I that hate to be late to anything except my own funeral. I have an uncanny ability to calculate time, distance and arrival, taking into consideration wind, barometric pressure and sun conditions. This used to fascinate my wife but with the introduction of GPS my talents were robbed from me by technology. Like the ice and coal delivery men, my once unique skill has become obsolete. I am not afraid to ask for directions when lost. This too has lost it's chivalrous novelty when only a few button strokes can get you anywhere you need to be.

As I mentioned before, I appeared in several episodes of "The Chicago Code," and "Shameless," along with 2 feature films. These opportunities were exciting and I will continue to do them. The pay is decent, the experience invaluable, but it's not enough for a condo on the Drive. A major no-no is being late. It can be fatal to the actor or comedian, or a factory worker for that matter. I planned my journey with the precision of Lewis and Clark navigating the Ohio river.

I decided to take the train from Joliet to Lasalle Street Station and arrive with 71 minutes to spare before my final wardrobe fitting and call time review. I carry a small writing pad with me to jot down comedy and writing ideas or to remind me of something I need to do. Yesterday, as I reviewed the project details with the wardrobe coordinator, I carefully wrote the address in my notebook and sat back smugly. I was proud of my attention to the details of the shoot, at which my appointment location and logistics were logged.

The address provided was 15 N. State Street. My many years of college and  adventures around the city of Chicago should have screamed "timeout" when I took the address. I arrived with my 71 minutes to spare. I prepared for my journey North of Madison and State, the dividing line between two clans living in one village. I shot from the train bundled and accompanied with a wardrobe menagerie for whatever look they wanted for the "Angry Man."

Before heading out I purchased my return ticket home to prevent any delays on my departure and bought a roll of antacids to calm my churning tummy. I was off to 15 N. State. I headed North on Lasalle cutting through the Board of Trade. I crossed over to Washington Street and was frozen solid. Note to occasional travellers to this amazing city: streets named after presidents and lakes run east and west. It is simple and well designed. I made it to the corner of Madison and State crossing into the north side, unaware that I was on a collision course with my acting destiny.

I tread gingerly to the north side of State and suffered no ambush or sneak attacks from the northern dwellers. The first building I came to was 10 N. State. Easy only 5 more buildings to go. I ventured past what will always be the Marshall Fields Store to me and noticed it was 17 North State. What? I retraced my steps. There was no 15 N. State Street. Panic set in as my 71 minutes had shrunk to 30 with walking time. I returned back over Madison to my comfort zone thinking maybe it was 15 S. State. No such luck. I pulled out my phone and dialed the number of the wardrobe coordinator and went straight to voice mail. I was sunk. There goes my Oscar or "Weeney of the year" award.

I called again, knowing if I was late it would be. Ball four! You're out! I searched my mind for some timely solution to the dilemma. How could I have made such a touristy mistake? The curse of the north side was weighing on me and I had to think fast. I breathed in a deep gulp of the frigid air and muttered to myself, "What would McGyver do?" I immediately found a pen, a gum wrapper and a paper clip and began to fashion a compass! No! Not enough time! I remembered that my phone had Internet capability. My pride could be trampled on with no permanent injury to reach my date with destiny. This gig paid real dough and the baker was gonna get there on time.

I had remembered the name of the ad agency that was handling the account and entered the name and State street in the magic answer box of the great and powerful Google Oz! Boom! The address popped up. I was only five hundred blocks off with 22 minutes to showtime. I sprang into the street and hailed the first eager cab. "515 N. State Street and step on it." I always wanted to say that to a cabbie and my chance had finally come.

I arrived at the address and paced in the elevator waiting for my number to chime. I blew my nose of the cold and smelled the tissue. Sorry! I told you. I then gave my hair a quick comb through. I put my game face on and my panic in my pocket. With the style of George Clooney I pulled the clear glass door open like I had just dined at a cozy bistro just down the block. "Are You Tommy Connolly?" The reception asked me. "Yes,yes I am." "Right this way sir". I had made it with 5 minutes to spare. I wasn't late. I looked completely in control as I strode toward the room filled with directors, wardrobe, technical staff and interns. "Hello, I'm Tommy Connolly, the Angry Guy."

The One, Two Punch and Connolly is Down! Will He Get Back Up?

Missing Kelly on her birthday was just one element of a perfect storm that I am in right now. Combine Kelly's birthday, my daughter heading back to Germany today and the suspicion that the comedy contest I entered to open for Pauly Shore was a hoax, I am in a cyclone of emotions right now. I have heard it said that sobriety has its draw backs but a temporary escape doesn't change the storm you're in. It only adds to it. But I like to feed the anger and pain and start looking at all the people and things in my life that piss me off. I am much more satisfied with obsessing about 57 things than just one or two.

Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.

Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.

We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.

I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.

Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.

Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."