Alcoholism is Like Flu ITs' Symptoms Spread to EVERYONE in ITs' Path....

There is nothing that frustrates me more than when a person fresh into recovery says that their drinking didn't hurt anyone and the bills were paid. They claim they were only hurting themselves. They share stories of escaping to the garage or den to drink alone. They state with pride that they never raised their voice or a hand to their loved ones or kids while drunk or high. They boast that they made it to ball games and recitals regularly. "To BE or Not to BE," IS the question in active addiction and recovery. Addictions' most powerful tool is denial.

The families of Alcoholics live in a secretive world. The kids grow up thinking it is somehow wrong but is normal to them. The non-using spouse takes on the role of caretaker for the user and sometimes the enabler. They are also the fixer to hide the messes from the kids and neighbors. They are usually a wreck most of the time. They are never at ease. The alcoholic is a ticking bomb when drinking. We sip and sip and the family waits for when we are going to go "BOOM!"

As a drunk I had anger issues. They did not become physical but the tongue is more cutting than the sword. This was not daily but frequent enough. I was also emotionally unavailable to my wife and kids when THEY needed me. My drinking came first PERIOD. There were times I tried to force my way into a DAD moment with the kids to show what a great guy I was. Those were my moments of need not theirs. They didn't reach out. I reached in.

I was also the great orator and lecturer when drunk, quite the philosopher king actually. At least that's the way my drunken mind perceived it. All drunks think they just brim with wisdom when filled with beer or grog and we must share it with the world. The pub wasn't invented for shelter. It was needed for the meeting of the minds! The drunk makes a point, is so impressed with himself he makes it again, then does so once more with a little more flavor just in case the CAPTIVE audience didn't catch the brilliance the first two times through.

WARNING! To the family or lay person DO NOT interrupt the drunk in his brilliant Hamlet like moments. Refer to "BOOM," statement above for further clarification.

The family MUST adapt to the drunk. They become actors, performers and schizophrenics as they try to please and appease the whims and fancy of the day. The more drunk the better and more precise the performance. It is a survival skill for each family member. It is also ways to try to steal glimpses of affection and good favor from the drunk and hopefully escape his wrath when he snaps. I have been on both sides of the scene as a drunk and growing up in a family with alcohol issues.

I also run into the loved ones of alcoholics who say "it's his problem. I'm fine." There's an Aerosmith song that has an acronym definition for F.I.N.E. that would fit well here. If you live with monkeys for 20 years you will begin to crave bananas and pick lice from your fellow monkeys' hair. That's the way it goes. As the sober and somewhat sane adult in the family you have to take on the role of both parents. You have to cover for, lie, enable and often have become co-dependent with the drunk. I am here to tell you from experience not expertise YOU ARE AFFECTED. Chances are the person was a drunk when you got together with them. That means something was misfiring in your "inner self" before you tied the knot. Why would someone intentionally walk into a mine field?

I am coming up on 3 years sober. I have been in recovery and private therapy for all of that time. I am growing and changing. I am not a drunk any longer. I will always be an alcoholic with "isms." I am working towards being the man I have always aspired to be. Some days I act like a drunk without a drink. I am a human and a work in progress. I pray that I will always want to be making steps forward and never be satisfied that I have "made it" as a human.

Squeaky and I have been going through some terrible patches lately. They are the worst we have ever encountered as a couple or as husband and wife. That is not unusual when a drunk gets sober. "I AM HERE." What a shock that must be to her and the kids. Her whole apple cart has been upended. Lord knows I'm not exactly a wallflower. Self-confidence certainly isn't a problem. However, after years of being disengaged I am a new guy and we are just getting to know each other again.

Suddenly I want to make changes in the way things are done from raising the kids to decorating the house. My wife says to herself, "Who does he think he is? I've been handling this all this time!" In a few short years of clarity I step in and make plenty of "helpful" recommendations on how things OUGHT to be. She sees them as criticism. There's a thin line between the two. Who wouldn't be miffed after I was AWOL for so long? She is used to the way things were and how she dealt with them. Living with an alcoholic can be a mind game for sure. Just because I am now sober doesn't mean we aren't both still suffering from the effects of the disease.

The great news is that we BOTH have open minds and want to have better communication. I often have a problem with one way communication and I'm the one communicating. That being said, recovery has taught me that I am not the center of the universe or the home. She is stepping out and going to a support group to work on HER. We have decided not to FIX each other. We will leave that to GOD. In the end we will accept life on its' terms and come up with new solutions to our old problems together.

For anyone who drinks too much and thinks it isn't hurting anyone else I can say with complete confidence... you're wrong. It impacts everyone in your orbit. To those living with an alcoholic or addict that says to themselves, "It's not my problem,"... it is. To the both of you I say good luck. I hope you both find sobriety, clarity and the grace of GOD...

The Gap Between Pain and Praise!

I am grateful to GOD for giving me a sense of humor. I am grateful that HE has one too. As an actor, comic and writer, part of the gift of that humor is that I verbalize the things that people are thinking but don't have the nerve or need to spit out. That's great because it keeps guys like me, philosophers, pundits and poets in business. Tom Dreesen told me that Carl Reiner told him to "Show people your pain." I have always done that in my act. I poke a lot of fun at myself. People identify with the daily mishaps of just trying to get by.

The distance between the frontal lobe (MY MELON) and the voice box (MY BIG FAT MOUTH) is only a few inches. I have seen many pictures of the brain. It looks to me like chubby Ramen Noodles mixed with Silly Putty all smushed together and placed in an airtight bonehead container. It's quite a fascinating looking machine. When I am told that we use less than 10% of it I am appalled. What the hell is flying around in the other 90% of the noodles that we don't use?! The few I am trying to get a rise out of are driving me and everybody around me nuts!

I need to call the people who design filters for water or my furnace because I have a bit of a problem. In my personal life those same skills that make me a funny comic or good improv actor sometimes make me a poor communicator. That's PC talk for sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time and I can't help it! I want a filter between the Ramen Noodles, The Silly Putty and my pie hole!

As a recovering alcoholic/addict the problem is doubled because we learn to use words as weapons of mass destruction like fists, knives and passive aggressive napalm! We find our loved ones' tender spots in loving moments of rapture or sweet confession and BAM! If we get pushed the wrong way we will pull that sweet secret you never told a soul and spit it in your face like rattle snake venom.

In recovery that doesn't just disappear. It slowly goes away but I still have my moments. I'm not beating myself up right now. Don't worry I'll do that when I get to my rant about procrastination somewhere down the line. I am just becoming more self aware of some of my character flaws. Some of the time I am hilarious. Yet other times I can be critical and hurtful and not even realize I am doing it.

The power of a word is more damaging than a fist in my estimation. Both are violent. A sore chin will heal. The wounding of the mind through criticism and demeaning can be crippling. A perfect first hand example is that there were many times my wife called me an alcoholic and every classic swear word her Berwyn upbringing could conjure up and they meant nothing to me. The day she called me PATHETIC was the day I took my last drink. Why that was the word that pushed my "get sober" button GOD only knows.

The point is that a few simple letters put in a prearranged form said at the right time under the right conditions had a life changing impact on me. The biggest argument my wife and I EVER had was about...wrapping paper! Yes you heard it...WRAPPING PAPER. Left to it's own proper use wrapping paper is associated with joy and gift giving. In the context of the argument it was connected to my ex-wife and it was a hot button for Squeaky. We were screaming. There were attorneys involved in the chat. She shouted that I was an "Oedipus Complex!" I spat back that she was an "unclean female dog." It really got ugly. By the time we got home we had pulled over and stopped to laugh at the fact we were going to divorce over...Wrapping Paper.

The most frequently mentioned subject in the Bible is our words and how we use them. The second is fear. Usually the two go hand in hand. I have a tendency of shooting my mouth off when I am scared of losing something, someone getting hurt or someone hurting another person I love. At that point the Ramen Noodle-Silly Putty-Tongue is connected. That is dangerous for me and something that I am working on. The quick wit and snarky comment work great on stage and for hecklers. Not so for Family and friends.

I am trying to incorporate a few new rules into my personal behavior and rules of engagement. These help me with other human relations and how comfortably I live with my self. They are as follows and are not all my creations. Most of them were taught to me:

1. I do not have to be right nor have an opinion on everything.
2. It's okay to say "I don't know."
3. I refuse to have arguments with people unless they are actually there!
4. The phrase "hold your tongue"... can actually be done.
5. When I am unsure of what to do, phone a friend is good.
6. When I react emotionally so do other people!
7. Doing NOTHING when I am unsure is acceptable.
8. I do not have to jump into every conversation I meet.
9. Whatever dress I want my wife to wear... pick the opposite one so she wears the one I like.
10. Turn to GOD more often Tom. When you lean on his words you need less of your own...

"Soccer Moms' Please Drive Thru"...

As an addict I have a thing about taking on baggage. I love baggage big and small. I hoard it. The more emotionally painful the package the more I can obsess about it. The more rotten the deed done to another in my past the bigger the package grows in my mind. I caress it and beat myself to bits with it. From a passing comment probably not even meant for me to a second grade fist fight, I remember it all. I have a database of emotional unfinished business that used to make my life unbearable.

The pressure, guilt, remorse, shame and self-loathing created the need to try to escape myself for those many years through bottle and drug. Addicts live emotionally not intellectually or logically. Our emotions make our decisions in most cases. I reacted emotionally then would sort out the fallout from my behavior. We remember everything by our PERCEPTION of the emotional impact people and situations had on us or we had on them. That is why we create chaos in others lives. It is for the emotional insanity and drama. It is our ultimate drug. Chaos.

As our mind clears and we begin to work recovery strategies we try to reduce the baggage which in turn lessens the desire to use. We begin to feel comfortable in our own skins and minds. We try to go back through the rubbish pile that was our past and clean up the joint. The people we have hurt and lied, cheated and stolen from whether it be financially, emotionally or physically are met face to face and we come clean with a sincere desire to make things right. Sometimes it works out and there is a happy ending. Other times we get a dressing down. Still other times we are told that we had no impact at all.

 All of the reactions are growing experiences and are important if long term sobriety is to be achieved. If a flower wants to grow it needs space in the pot or its' roots will rot and it will die. The same goes for drunks like me. I was going crazy from all the baggage. As I have cleared it away and made peace with my friends, family and self (to an extent) life gets better. God has given me the strength to stay clean and my mind is less packed with that crap. The worries, fears, pain and shame of who I was that paralyzed me is now setting me free by cleaning it up.

Now I am able to look at people in the eye with confidence and honesty. I can be a true friend. I can be of use not a user. I can sit with Tommy Connolly and not want to stab the guy in the eye with a fork! Wherever I run to I will always be there to meet me. That is a fact. It gets a little bit easier to hang with me the more I get right with God, man and me.

There are some people I can't make things right with. Some are dead. Some have new lives and I can't disrupt their happy harmony with my horror show rewind. Some I can't find but am ready to make things right if I find them. In these cases I try to be of service in other areas. On one occasion I stole something from a store that I could not go back to for fear of Shaw Shank Redemption. My mentor had me buy dog food in the amount of the item taken and had me take it to the humane society. Perfect! Karma square! I felt better that I was able to make the situation right. In a few years I will go back and make the situation right with the store. The point is that baggage was removed and I am a bit more okay with me because of the cleansing.

Yesterday I went with a friend to work at a food pantry here in Joliet. It is called the Family Outreach Food Pantry. I did not go there for any particular reason. My buddy called me at 6:10 am and asked if I wanted to volunteer at the food bank at 6:30. At first I was miffed because I hate to be late. Its' part of the new me. The only thing I was on time for in the past was beer sales and fresh bales. I said sure, and away we went. I can tell you now that God had my friend call me. There are no coincidences.

My vision of a food bank and food lines takes me back to my grade school history classes and the "Great Depression". You remember the old films and the market crash of 1929. There was the dust bowl and the people getting broth put into tin cups. I had a vision of homeless people coming up to the food bank and us handing little packages to the less fortunate. You know? It was going to be people in ratty cars and ripped clothes and winos and all the stereotypes I try so hard to fight when it comes to the labeling of alcoholics, addicts and those who suffer from mental disorders. I was doing the SAME thing before we got there.

We arrived at the tiny tavern parking lot where the food distribution point is and my friend was assigned to traffic control. WHAT? Traffic control at a food bank! He had the vest and the cool little flashlight with the pointy orange end on it and everything. I was jealous for a minute. I was assigned to fill orders. That was to put the boxes of food into the vehicles as they pulled up. This is where the story gets interesting, horrifying, eye opening and real folks. The real state of the STATES.

As the cars began to pull up I was taken aback. This can't be! There were a few beat up cars and a few homeless folks walked up whom I greeted with a grateful hello and a "God Bless you." The vast majority of the cars were "Soccer Moms." There were cars of all makes and models right up to a Tahoe with leather interior. The common denominator was all of these people "needed" food. There was no scam. Some folks looked down as I put on a smile and made a quick joke as to let them know it's a beautiful day as I slung the food into their back seats.

Single parents' pulled through with babies strapped in and we offered extra bread to those who wanted it. Every single family wanted it. Like alcoholism and addiction the people in the line to receive the food were a perfect cross section of Americana and it blew me away. Some folks looked as though they had stopped on break from work or were on the way to drop the kids at school. It was heartbreaking and gratifying at the same time. It is a day I won't forget.

In 90 minutes we handed out 300 boxes of food. When that ran out and we had only bread left people were happy and humbled to have a few loaves of that alone. I went home and sat silent for awhile. We are in trouble in this country. They have the food pantry every week and turn away more and more families.

I stood in front of my fridge and looked at the food and saw that our pantry was filled and it made me think of the times when I have said there is nothing to eat when in fact there was plenty. There just wasn't what I WANTED TO EAT in the fridge or pantry at that moment. I will be back to help again next Thursday at the  pantry.

 I remember not having food. I remember not wanting food because it would take up space my booze needed to fill. I also remember eating garbage when I wanted to eat and had to use my money to buy the booze. I've seen it from all sides. I think if there is anything that I can leave you with it is be thankful for what God has given you... and more thankful for what he hasn't...

Easter with the family.....Hope for Humanity...And A New Outlet For Da' Gift!

Happy Easter! I hope you spent it with your family. If not I hope you spent it happily, doing something that brings you joy. I am a Christian so the day had happiness and hope surrounding it for me. I also spent it with my kids and had a Skype call with my daughter in Germany. I saw or spoke with all the kids, with the exceptions of Kelly. I am confident, that wherever she is, her mother made her day special as well.

12 years ago today I was in rehab. It put the day in perspective for me. Easter 1999 was a family day at "SHARE" rehabilitation in Hoffman Estates. None of my family came to see me. I had lost that privilege. The lies and manipulation of my alcoholism an addiction had left me on the inside looking out and the outside looking inward. It wasn't a wasted day in my life. It was a painful one, yes, but I was growing and I know now that's exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in my life. Why? Because it made this one possible.

The kids know everything about my past. It keeps me honest with myself and them. I hope it also provides them with insight into the pain and horrors I went through to reach the gifts of today. Squeaky made a wonderful ham and chicken dinner and we gave "Da' Schmutz," our Pekingese/Chin, a shave. She didn't care for it all that much. After we ate and were done with the grooming I reflected on where I was at this moment. I realized that what I have is beyond thousands of people's wildest dreams. By American standards I am middle class. By third world standards, I am a king!

I am grateful for what I have. I am more grateful for what I haven't been given. Starting tomorrow, "Every Day is a Gift NOW" will move to the world of talk radio. Specifically it will move to www.blogtalkradio.com/tommyconnolly  

The first show will be on at 9:30-10am Central time. Click on the link and enjoy the show. The time slot is temporary. I will be taking the program to an "on demand" format almost immediately. Filming season is beginning here in Chicago and I will know in the next few days if I will be part of a new pilot. There is also the rumors of a second season of "The Chicago Code" and a few projects I have brewing. Acting and comedy is not a spectator sport. If you want to get in the game you have to be constantly looking for opportunities where players are needed.

The show will go beyond addiction and depression issues. I want to break the fourth wall and bring your stories into the show. I also want to talk about chasing your dreams and making life happen TODAY! The radio format will also open up the chance for me to bring in guests from the film, TV, radio, comedy and acting industry to share professional and personal inspiration with you guys. It's time to kick this thing up a notch!

I will continue to do this show on "Blogtalkradio." I like that the radio blog will allow for dialogue. There is nothing more refreshing and provocative than two minds or more engaged in creative problem solving. I am looking forward to the challenge.

That's all I got for now. I hope you tune in. If not, keep reading. Remember Every Day is a Gift...That's why They Call it the PRESENT. Peace and Love.