The Gap Between Pain and Praise!

I am grateful to GOD for giving me a sense of humor. I am grateful that HE has one too. As an actor, comic and writer, part of the gift of that humor is that I verbalize the things that people are thinking but don't have the nerve or need to spit out. That's great because it keeps guys like me, philosophers, pundits and poets in business. Tom Dreesen told me that Carl Reiner told him to "Show people your pain." I have always done that in my act. I poke a lot of fun at myself. People identify with the daily mishaps of just trying to get by.

The distance between the frontal lobe (MY MELON) and the voice box (MY BIG FAT MOUTH) is only a few inches. I have seen many pictures of the brain. It looks to me like chubby Ramen Noodles mixed with Silly Putty all smushed together and placed in an airtight bonehead container. It's quite a fascinating looking machine. When I am told that we use less than 10% of it I am appalled. What the hell is flying around in the other 90% of the noodles that we don't use?! The few I am trying to get a rise out of are driving me and everybody around me nuts!

I need to call the people who design filters for water or my furnace because I have a bit of a problem. In my personal life those same skills that make me a funny comic or good improv actor sometimes make me a poor communicator. That's PC talk for sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time and I can't help it! I want a filter between the Ramen Noodles, The Silly Putty and my pie hole!

As a recovering alcoholic/addict the problem is doubled because we learn to use words as weapons of mass destruction like fists, knives and passive aggressive napalm! We find our loved ones' tender spots in loving moments of rapture or sweet confession and BAM! If we get pushed the wrong way we will pull that sweet secret you never told a soul and spit it in your face like rattle snake venom.

In recovery that doesn't just disappear. It slowly goes away but I still have my moments. I'm not beating myself up right now. Don't worry I'll do that when I get to my rant about procrastination somewhere down the line. I am just becoming more self aware of some of my character flaws. Some of the time I am hilarious. Yet other times I can be critical and hurtful and not even realize I am doing it.

The power of a word is more damaging than a fist in my estimation. Both are violent. A sore chin will heal. The wounding of the mind through criticism and demeaning can be crippling. A perfect first hand example is that there were many times my wife called me an alcoholic and every classic swear word her Berwyn upbringing could conjure up and they meant nothing to me. The day she called me PATHETIC was the day I took my last drink. Why that was the word that pushed my "get sober" button GOD only knows.

The point is that a few simple letters put in a prearranged form said at the right time under the right conditions had a life changing impact on me. The biggest argument my wife and I EVER had was about...wrapping paper! Yes you heard it...WRAPPING PAPER. Left to it's own proper use wrapping paper is associated with joy and gift giving. In the context of the argument it was connected to my ex-wife and it was a hot button for Squeaky. We were screaming. There were attorneys involved in the chat. She shouted that I was an "Oedipus Complex!" I spat back that she was an "unclean female dog." It really got ugly. By the time we got home we had pulled over and stopped to laugh at the fact we were going to divorce over...Wrapping Paper.

The most frequently mentioned subject in the Bible is our words and how we use them. The second is fear. Usually the two go hand in hand. I have a tendency of shooting my mouth off when I am scared of losing something, someone getting hurt or someone hurting another person I love. At that point the Ramen Noodle-Silly Putty-Tongue is connected. That is dangerous for me and something that I am working on. The quick wit and snarky comment work great on stage and for hecklers. Not so for Family and friends.

I am trying to incorporate a few new rules into my personal behavior and rules of engagement. These help me with other human relations and how comfortably I live with my self. They are as follows and are not all my creations. Most of them were taught to me:

1. I do not have to be right nor have an opinion on everything.
2. It's okay to say "I don't know."
3. I refuse to have arguments with people unless they are actually there!
4. The phrase "hold your tongue"... can actually be done.
5. When I am unsure of what to do, phone a friend is good.
6. When I react emotionally so do other people!
7. Doing NOTHING when I am unsure is acceptable.
8. I do not have to jump into every conversation I meet.
9. Whatever dress I want my wife to wear... pick the opposite one so she wears the one I like.
10. Turn to GOD more often Tom. When you lean on his words you need less of your own...

Upward and Inward is the Answer!

I write all of my chapters in one sitting. They all flow from me in one stream of consciousness. I like it that way because then I don't think my way through the writing like I am writing an article for a magazine. It is a journal entry. It is as if I am talking instead of writing.

This can be a good thing because it keeps it real. It can be a bad thing because the entries are often filled with grammatical and spelling errors. They also aren't edited thoughts. I haven't considered my thoughts carefully before I put them down on paper and into the blogosphere. I don't think I will change my way of writing but a little time between entries gives me time to reflect on what I have spilled out on to the page.

In recovery it is said that my over all well being is based upon my spiritual health. That is, how connected I am with my GOD. I have to admit I haven't been as close to him as I am normally as of late. I also know that I need to look at my own behavior, attitudes and actions in relationships. It is not my job to point out the faults of others. In my last blog God was very clearly missing and my passing judgement on others was in full swing. It was driving the wrong way on a one way street.

That tells me that I need to take a step back and look at what is really going on with ME. I have just quit smoking. My wife just quit smoking. My son is becoming a man and in teen rebellion. These contributing factors are bound to have an impact on moods, emotions and reactions to situations. There is also medical conditions, book deadlines, financial pressures and a 46th birthday tomorrow that are playing on my mind. I also suffer from depression, alcoholism, addiction and all "ics" and "isms" that are faced in recovery.

By my sputtering off yesterday like Chicken little that the sky was falling I was living in the problem not in the solution. I know better than that. I have learned a new plan for living my life and dealing with it as it is dealt to me. My rant certainly was filled with some points that the family will address in time. There is nothing that is cataclysmic or doomsday like looming overhead. My knee jerk EMOTIONAL outbreak was that of a DRY drunk. I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted to take my ball and go home because the other kids weren't playing the way I wanted them to.

I am human. I have learned a lot about my areas of weakness since I have been in recovery. I can be snarky and sarcastic. I can be an egomaniac with low self esteem. I can be a pouty child. I can also be a strong leader, a supportive husband and a pretty good step or regular father and friend. I have gotten over the need to be right all the time. I am grateful for that. I am willing to listen and learn and grow and shut up. These things I have had to learn with the help of others.

Everyone wants to chuck it all in every once in a while. That is life. I sincerely hope I gave no one the idea that my intention was to RUN. That is all I did for 28 years. I take the good with the bad now. This to will pass. We are in a difficult season right now but that's just it. It's a season and seasons change every few months. I will continue to grow and sometimes I will slip back into old thinking.

It was just yesterday that I was out of my mind and saw only darkness. Today I see hope and know I was thinking with my emotions not with logic and reality. The time between these revelations is getting shorter and shorter. That is how I see that I am getting different not better. I am no better than any man. I am just a man trying to live a reasonably happy life. Some days are good sometimes not so good. As long as I keep my eye on what my part is on the team and my ear to heaven everything will work out just like it's supposed to.

I am Here...

In a few months "Every Day is a Gift" will be published as a book by Amazon. It will be titled "Soul Parole." I had no intention of writing a book about my addictions and depression. I have always wanted to pen a novel. There were many nights when I would sit with drink in hand and fancy myself a future Hemingway writing of safaris and wars abroad. My life has been an adventure. The wars were fought inside my head.

It has been strangely nostalgic reading through the 140 plus chapters I've written and see the changes in me and my thinking. I see progress and setbacks. There's forging ahead and old patterns and behaviors. A few are wrought with depression and "dry drunk" rantings. All of it is real. All of it is me.

I will be donating a portion of the proceeds of my book to the publishers by obligation. I will be gratefully donating a portion of my proceeds to area addiction programs, homeless shelters and a clinic that studies mental disorders. I am not setting out to become an L.A. author. I like where I'm at and I have to share the gifts God has lent me. They are not mine. They are to be used to give thanks for his grace and glory.

I want to say thanks for helping me. I thought my mind dumps were to only help others. I hope they helped you or someone you know. Ultimately we help each other. That's the whole key to finding some semblance of peace on this spinning blue ball we call earth. When I help someone else I get out of me, my anxiety, depression, obsession and selfishness. I do not have to look far and find some one who has it much worse than I do. That puts my cry for me and more in to realignment lickety split.

The 1 year anniversary of my father's death is in a few days. I miss him more, not less, each day. I started the acting thing in October of 2010. In 9 months I have appeared in 5 TV series and 7 films, 3 commercials and an industrial film. I know he would be proud. It all still numbs my mind. Next week I leave for Los Angeles for a week long shoot on a project for the Animal Planet. I carry a memento of Dad on every project I do. He would like that. I have found my calling. I am blessed and have worked tirelessly to get so far so quickly. I know my 28 years of living like a chameleon in addiction has made acting natural for me.

Thank you all for being my friends and my support group. Thanks for letting me bare my soul and share my war stories and small victories. As you can see from recent blogs our family has new battles on the horizon. God will get us through as long as we trust him and don't get in the way. I know the pain. I know the odds. I am prepared for all the possible outcomes.

I will continue to rant. I hope you continue to read. I pray that you see that facing your demons, no matter what they are, is possible and the key to reasonable happiness. I am always going to be a little nutty, a little left of center one day and a little right of it the next. That's just me. I am starting to like me. I am comfortable spending time with me. I no longer feel the need to run away from myself and escape into a bottle, jug, pill, porn shop or addiction of the week club. I take things as they come. I do my best and leave the outcomes to my FATHER. I have choice today. I choose living!