Devil Done Did it!

I have a habit of telling people, "GOD BLESS YOU." No, not just when they sneeze, all the time. I like to add "MAY YOUR GOD BLESS YOU," as well. I am a Christian but feel faith is a personal issue. The key to spiritual contentment starts with a personal relationship with GOD.

Wishing blessings upon people is a beautiful thing. However, I think as Americans we are blessed beyond our wildest dreams. We take our freedom for granted. When I see rude angry people on the street I am puzzled by how they could think we have it so bad. Don't get me wrong, the economy and job market is horrible. I just can't see why everyone is so miffed. Spend a few days living in the streets and your outlook will change in a jiffy. On your next trip to the islands or Mexico have a guide take you outside the tourism district. You'll see people living in boxes...literally!

Why is it that when good things happen we say,"Thank God," but when something bad happens, we blame it on the devil? I don't know about you but I grow the most through pain. As a parent I can be a great guy for twenty-nine days of the month and be in a bad mood one day, and that's what the kids remember. GOD puts us through terrible things to change our direction and give us strength.

I believe in the devil. I just don't think he's the source of all the bad things that happen in our lives. GOD doesn't micromanage. I think GOD says "NO". HE says, "Not Yet," and "I have another plan." We have to keep our eyes out for dark forces, but freewill and, GOD's will need to be considered. When we don't know what his will is, doing the next right thing is usually a pretty good choice.

When my father died it devastated me. It still does. When he passed I was grateful to GOD for relieving him of his pain. His passing gave me the motivation to pursue my dreams of being a comic, actor and writer. This was a painful time that changed my perspective on living. I am more afraid of not living my life to the fullest, than I am of dying.

We can pray to do "GOD'S WILL." However, WE have to do things that are adding to the goodness here on earth...as it is in heaven.  He won't parallel park my car in the city. He won't call me up with job opportunities. He will send messengers. We are to get it, then get it done. We do the footwork.

There are times I have thanked GOD for teaching me a lesson. Sometimes I need to be redirected to the path I think he wants me to travel. I can't do anything to impress him. I can do things that would please him. Mostly, I can do good things for others as a way of saying thanks for all that you do for me BIG GUY!

When I mess up unintentionally that is my humanity. When I act like a jerk because life isn't going MY WAY, I can't blame it on the devil! If I don't work at being good, and helping others, how can I be surprised when things turn bad? When tragedies happen I don't need to blame it on the devil. I'm not going to give him that much credit. Sometimes I have to look in the mirror and decide if the devil really made me do it...or not do it, or was it me. Sometimes I just have to keep the FAITH in knowing the answers will come. I just have to let them in....

Silly Putty and Ramen Noodles

I am grateful to GOD for giving me a sense of humor. I am more grateful that HE has one too. As an actor, comic and writer, part of the gift of that humor is that I verbalize the things that people are thinking but don't have the nerve or need to spit out. That's great because it keeps guys like me, philosophers, pundits and poets in business. Tom Dreesen told me that Carl Reiner advice to him early in his career was to "show people your pain." I have always done that in my act. I poke a lot of fun at myself. People identify with the daily mishaps of just trying to get by.

The distance between the frontal lobe (MY MELON) and the voice box (MY BIG FAT MOUTH) is only a few inches. I have seen many pictures of the brain. It looks to me like chubby Ramen Noodles mixed with Silly Putty all smushed together and placed in an airtight bonehead container. It's quite a fascinating looking machine. When I am told that we use less than 10% of it I am appalled. What the hell is flying around in the other 90% of the noodles that we don't use?! The few I am trying to get a rise out of are driving me and everybody around nuts!

I need to call the people who design filters for water or furnaces because I have a bit of a problem. In my personal life those same skills that make me a funny comic or good improv actor sometimes make me a poor communicator. That's PC talk for sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time and I can't help it! I want a filter between the Ramen Noodles, The Silly Putty and my pie hole!

As a recovering alcoholic/addict the problem is doubled because we learn to use words as weapons of mass destruction like fists, knives and passive aggressive napalm! We find our loved ones' tender spots in passionate moments of weakness, trust or sweet confession and BAM! If we get pushed the wrong way we will pull that sweet secret you never told a soul and spit it in your face like rattle snake venom. 

In recovery that doesn't just disappear. It slowly goes away but I still have my moments. I'm not beating myself up right now. Don't worry I'll do that when I get to my rant about procrastination somewhere down the line. I am just becoming more self aware of some of my character flaws. Some of the time I am hilarious. Yet other times I can be critical and hurtful and not even realize I am doing it.

The power of a word is more damaging than a fist in my estimation. Both are violent. A sore chin will heal. The wounding of the mind through criticism and demeaning can be crippling. A perfect example is that there were many times my wife called me an alcoholic and every swear word her Berwyn upbringing could conjure up, and they meant nothing to me. The day she called me PATHETIC was the day I took my last drink. Why THAT was the word that pushed my "get sober" button GOD only knows. 

The point is that a few simple letters put in a prearranged form said at the right time, under the right conditions had a life changing impact on me. The biggest argument my wife and I EVER had was about...wrapping paper! Yes you heard it...WRAPPING PAPER. Left to it's own proper use wrapping paper is associated with joy and gift giving. In the context of the argument it was connected to my ex-wife and it was a hot button for Squeaky. We were screaming. There were attorneys involved in the uproar. She shouted that I was an "Oedipus Complex!" I spat back that she was an "unclean female dog." It really got ugly. By the time we got home we had pulled over and stopped to laugh at the fact we were going to divorce court over...Wrapping Paper.

The most frequently mentioned subject in the Bible is our words and how we use them. The second is fear. Usually the two go hand in hand. I have a tendency of shooting my mouth off when I am scared of losing something, someone getting hurt or someone hurting another person I love. At that point the Ramen Noodle-Silly Putty-Tongue is connected. That is dangerous for me and something that I am working on. The quick wit and snarky comment work great on stage and for hecklers. Not so for family and friends.

I am trying to incorporate a few new rules into my personal behavior for rules of engagement. These help me with human relations and how comfortably I live with myself. They are as follows and are not all my creations. Most of them were taught to me:

1. I do not have to be right nor have an opinion on everything. 
2. It's okay to say "I don't know."
3. I refuse to have arguments with people unless they are actually there!
4. The phrase "hold your tongue"... can actually be done.
5. When I am unsure of what to do, phone a friend is good. 
6. When I react emotionally so do other people!
7. Doing NOTHING when I am unsure is acceptable.
8. I do not have to jump into every conversation I meet.
9. Whatever dress I want my wife to wear... pick the opposite one so she wears the one I like.
10. Turn to GOD more often Tom. When you lean on his words you need less of your own...


SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is available on AMAZON and Kindle. Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, mental health and homeless facilities....

Every Day Is A Gift...STILL....

More than six months have passed since I've taken time to share my thoughts on these pages. The keys are foreign to my touch. It wasn't so long ago that they seemed tethered to my heart and just moved my thoughts and emotions  from vapor to paper. I feel as if I'm reaching out to an old friend with whom was always there through the pains and triumphs of each others lives. Then something happens and you slip away from each other. The longing turns from sadness to distance, then terrible longing and hesitance to reach out again.

I plunk along hoping I can plug back in to the stream that connected me to my innermost secrets. I tell aspiring writers to let GOD do the writing and just hold on to the pen. I hope he speak once again through me.

That last writing was in Mid-September of 2012. I was preparing to drive to Hollywood and somehow obtain my SAG card. I left Chicago on September 19th. I arrived in Los Angeles on the 21st. The journey has taken me through more seasons of change in the last six months, than in the last six years. My hair has thinned and grayed.  Parts of my heart have died and new ones have been born. I lost so much and gained much more. I nearly died.

Today...I am a new creature...

I hope to talk again soon.

Tommy

SOUL PAROLE: Making Peace with My Mind, GOD and Myself is Available on Amazon.com, KINDLE and Amazon Europe. 

Proceeds benefit Chicago Area addiction, homeless and mental health programs.

The Gap Between Pain and Praise!

I am grateful to GOD for giving me a sense of humor. I am grateful that HE has one too. As an actor, comic and writer, part of the gift of that humor is that I verbalize the things that people are thinking but don't have the nerve or need to spit out. That's great because it keeps guys like me, philosophers, pundits and poets in business. Tom Dreesen told me that Carl Reiner told him to "Show people your pain." I have always done that in my act. I poke a lot of fun at myself. People identify with the daily mishaps of just trying to get by.

The distance between the frontal lobe (MY MELON) and the voice box (MY BIG FAT MOUTH) is only a few inches. I have seen many pictures of the brain. It looks to me like chubby Ramen Noodles mixed with Silly Putty all smushed together and placed in an airtight bonehead container. It's quite a fascinating looking machine. When I am told that we use less than 10% of it I am appalled. What the hell is flying around in the other 90% of the noodles that we don't use?! The few I am trying to get a rise out of are driving me and everybody around me nuts!

I need to call the people who design filters for water or my furnace because I have a bit of a problem. In my personal life those same skills that make me a funny comic or good improv actor sometimes make me a poor communicator. That's PC talk for sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing at the wrong time and I can't help it! I want a filter between the Ramen Noodles, The Silly Putty and my pie hole!

As a recovering alcoholic/addict the problem is doubled because we learn to use words as weapons of mass destruction like fists, knives and passive aggressive napalm! We find our loved ones' tender spots in loving moments of rapture or sweet confession and BAM! If we get pushed the wrong way we will pull that sweet secret you never told a soul and spit it in your face like rattle snake venom.

In recovery that doesn't just disappear. It slowly goes away but I still have my moments. I'm not beating myself up right now. Don't worry I'll do that when I get to my rant about procrastination somewhere down the line. I am just becoming more self aware of some of my character flaws. Some of the time I am hilarious. Yet other times I can be critical and hurtful and not even realize I am doing it.

The power of a word is more damaging than a fist in my estimation. Both are violent. A sore chin will heal. The wounding of the mind through criticism and demeaning can be crippling. A perfect first hand example is that there were many times my wife called me an alcoholic and every classic swear word her Berwyn upbringing could conjure up and they meant nothing to me. The day she called me PATHETIC was the day I took my last drink. Why that was the word that pushed my "get sober" button GOD only knows.

The point is that a few simple letters put in a prearranged form said at the right time under the right conditions had a life changing impact on me. The biggest argument my wife and I EVER had was about...wrapping paper! Yes you heard it...WRAPPING PAPER. Left to it's own proper use wrapping paper is associated with joy and gift giving. In the context of the argument it was connected to my ex-wife and it was a hot button for Squeaky. We were screaming. There were attorneys involved in the chat. She shouted that I was an "Oedipus Complex!" I spat back that she was an "unclean female dog." It really got ugly. By the time we got home we had pulled over and stopped to laugh at the fact we were going to divorce over...Wrapping Paper.

The most frequently mentioned subject in the Bible is our words and how we use them. The second is fear. Usually the two go hand in hand. I have a tendency of shooting my mouth off when I am scared of losing something, someone getting hurt or someone hurting another person I love. At that point the Ramen Noodle-Silly Putty-Tongue is connected. That is dangerous for me and something that I am working on. The quick wit and snarky comment work great on stage and for hecklers. Not so for Family and friends.

I am trying to incorporate a few new rules into my personal behavior and rules of engagement. These help me with other human relations and how comfortably I live with my self. They are as follows and are not all my creations. Most of them were taught to me:

1. I do not have to be right nor have an opinion on everything.
2. It's okay to say "I don't know."
3. I refuse to have arguments with people unless they are actually there!
4. The phrase "hold your tongue"... can actually be done.
5. When I am unsure of what to do, phone a friend is good.
6. When I react emotionally so do other people!
7. Doing NOTHING when I am unsure is acceptable.
8. I do not have to jump into every conversation I meet.
9. Whatever dress I want my wife to wear... pick the opposite one so she wears the one I like.
10. Turn to GOD more often Tom. When you lean on his words you need less of your own...

I am Here...

In a few months "Every Day is a Gift" will be published as a book by Amazon. It will be titled "Soul Parole." I had no intention of writing a book about my addictions and depression. I have always wanted to pen a novel. There were many nights when I would sit with drink in hand and fancy myself a future Hemingway writing of safaris and wars abroad. My life has been an adventure. The wars were fought inside my head.

It has been strangely nostalgic reading through the 140 plus chapters I've written and see the changes in me and my thinking. I see progress and setbacks. There's forging ahead and old patterns and behaviors. A few are wrought with depression and "dry drunk" rantings. All of it is real. All of it is me.

I will be donating a portion of the proceeds of my book to the publishers by obligation. I will be gratefully donating a portion of my proceeds to area addiction programs, homeless shelters and a clinic that studies mental disorders. I am not setting out to become an L.A. author. I like where I'm at and I have to share the gifts God has lent me. They are not mine. They are to be used to give thanks for his grace and glory.

I want to say thanks for helping me. I thought my mind dumps were to only help others. I hope they helped you or someone you know. Ultimately we help each other. That's the whole key to finding some semblance of peace on this spinning blue ball we call earth. When I help someone else I get out of me, my anxiety, depression, obsession and selfishness. I do not have to look far and find some one who has it much worse than I do. That puts my cry for me and more in to realignment lickety split.

The 1 year anniversary of my father's death is in a few days. I miss him more, not less, each day. I started the acting thing in October of 2010. In 9 months I have appeared in 5 TV series and 7 films, 3 commercials and an industrial film. I know he would be proud. It all still numbs my mind. Next week I leave for Los Angeles for a week long shoot on a project for the Animal Planet. I carry a memento of Dad on every project I do. He would like that. I have found my calling. I am blessed and have worked tirelessly to get so far so quickly. I know my 28 years of living like a chameleon in addiction has made acting natural for me.

Thank you all for being my friends and my support group. Thanks for letting me bare my soul and share my war stories and small victories. As you can see from recent blogs our family has new battles on the horizon. God will get us through as long as we trust him and don't get in the way. I know the pain. I know the odds. I am prepared for all the possible outcomes.

I will continue to rant. I hope you continue to read. I pray that you see that facing your demons, no matter what they are, is possible and the key to reasonable happiness. I am always going to be a little nutty, a little left of center one day and a little right of it the next. That's just me. I am starting to like me. I am comfortable spending time with me. I no longer feel the need to run away from myself and escape into a bottle, jug, pill, porn shop or addiction of the week club. I take things as they come. I do my best and leave the outcomes to my FATHER. I have choice today. I choose living!

ALTERED...to Make Different Without Changing into Something Else...

This week I was blessed to play a part in the movie "ALTERED". It is being shot around Chicago and Atlanta and is a Kely McClung film. He wrote, is directing and is one of the lead actors in the horror/suspense film. "Vampire Diaries" star, and McClung favorite, Robert Pralgo also stars in the film. McClung and Pralgo have that chemistry like Scorsese/ Deniro, and Soderbergh/ Damon. It is evident on the set and easy to see in their onscreen flow in "Blood Ties" and "Kerberos." Add to the mix Jessica Imoto Harney, the line producer and assistant director on the film and the trifecta bounce ideas like super balls, catch them in mid-air, slip them in their pockets then lay them on film flawlessly.

It was cool to be in those moments as both a spectator and player. The synergy between the triad is palpable. McClung sees everything. The air becomes a part of the shot and the world is in the scene. Nothing is taken for granted and overlooked. Yet nothing is contrived and set design-ish. I worked with Steven Soderbergh several days on "Contagion" and he is a gentle genius with a keen attention to detail. Kely is the same but he takes it to another level. He sees the world like a canvas and uses all of it. His senses for a scene, sound and light include taste and touch. Each moment captured is an experience, not a picture.

ALTERED is going to be a success. Period! It deals with balance, the hardest thing we have as humans to deal with. I know it's my Achilles heal. There's work and family, yes and no, this project or that, what's right and what's wrong, good or evil, get up or sleep the day away, use or stay clean. This film gets down to the true meat of the issues that trouble man and gets to the core of "what's it all about?"

As a recovering alcoholic/addict and depression sufferer who lived both functionally and in the streets homeless, hopeless and rudderless for 28 years the lines can be blurred. I did things then for survival that I now consider terribly wrong. My addiction was a loyal servant then a sadistic master. I thought God wanted me dead. I now see He had my back the whole time. I have done more for my fellow man in my few years of sobriety than my entire life as an addict. That's the way He wanted it.

A man who steals milk for kicks is a thief. A man who steals milk for his infant child is still a thief but the line becomes blurred. The balance shifts on the morality scale. A thief is a thief. I would never wish to kill a man but would do anything to protect my family. Anything. The part of balance I get now is that if I fall I get back up again. I don't have to stay down. I don't always have to fight. I can choose to stay in the center of the seesaw. Sometimes the best balance is not trying to figure it out and just being content with riding the beam.

Look for more on ALTERED at thealteredmovie.com and on Facebook search "The Altered Movie". This movie will scare you, keep you on the edge of your seat, freak you out, leave you guessing and most of all it will leave you thinking and questioning. I love flicks like that. I dig films that open up dialogue and make people engage the tough universal puzzles we try to put together down here. ALTERED pushes all the buttons. I am proud to be a part of it. Thanks Kely, Imoto, Robert, ALL the crew. You guys rock. I will never forget being a part of the ALTERED family. PEACE!

It's the End of the World As We Know IT... and I Feel Fine.

The title of the chapter is a reference to the 1980's hit song by REM. The classic is filled with references from Lenny Bruce to Leonard Bernstein. It's a fun song and makes you smile when you hear it. Most folks mumble the words but shout "Leonard Bernstein" in unison, glad they got a part of the tune right. The words used here are in reference to the world ending yesterday May 21, 2011. It was my wife's birthday.The only way the world was ending yesterday was if the carrot cake was terrible or we couldn't make a Skype call to our daughter in Germany.

Throughout the week I have been getting invitations to "Rapture" parties and "End of the world" get togethers. I found it mildly amusing in the beginning. In my party days those would be perfect reasons for getting a good buzz on. I hope not to offend anyone who went to a party like these but it made me think. Did you stop at any point in the night and ask yourself where you'll go if the world ends? It also makes me think of who is behind these arbitrary or astrologically planned events - God or the Devil.

Next year the parties are going to increase. I am sure there will be some suicides like in Y2K. Some will empty bank accounts and break wedding vows on their last hurrah. I have to admit that the Mayan calendar and the Chinese prophesies all lining up to 2012 as the end of the road are quite intriguing. I loved the movie with John Cusack. I have firm belief in intelligent life beyond Earth but that's where my conspiracy theory ends.

I do not think John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, or Sirhan Sirhan acted alone in their deeds. I also don't think that the creator of the cosmos is going to set a date for our destruction like he's planning a tea party. In paraphrasing, when the disciples asked Jesus when they would see him again he didn't say May 21, 2011 or any specific date. He said that only his Father knew and be ready. To think that the maker of Heaven, Earth and all that lay in between is going to come down like a circus coming to town on a set date is appalling

Every day is a gift. It is also a chance to get right with our God, our loved ones and ourselves. By living with the knowledge that Jesus could return any day, and any day we may breathe our last breath, we may learn to see things from a more appreciative perspective. There are clearly signs to see that God is coming. There are also plenty of them that the Devil is here too. Why do we praise God when something good comes our way and question him when he doesn't deliver? We are all fools not to believe in the Devil. We say the Devil made me do it! Maybe he did. Maybe he gave you that good thing too. Maybe he didn't deliver what you so desperately wanted. Maybe God had nothing to do with your new Coach bag.

God says yes. God says no! The Devil says no. The Devil says yes! We are so quick to say there is no God and so dismissive of the dark forces working in our world. How do Atheists feel about the Devil? I really don't know. If you don't think much about the Devil, or believe he's trying to deceive you, he's working perfectly on you. There is light. There is darkness. If you believe in God your faith will be stronger than the Devil but he will want you even more. He hates believers. He loathes prayers and those active in faith.

I know I am going to heaven. I know Jesus is the Son of God and died for MY sins. I also know there is a Devil. I have to recognize when he is trying to work his way into my world and our world. He loves pain, fear, insecurity, anxiety, low self esteem, anger and criticism. He is thrilled when you feel so bad. He tries to get you farther from the light and the truth when you're at your weakest point. When you feel all of those same things God is reaching his hand out to lift you from the pit, the miry clay and set you upon solid rock.

I know this chapter sounds like a rant. It may be. I am tired of God taking all the beatings for what's wrong in this world and the Devil getting a pass or us not looking into our own mirror for the culprit of our misery. God would not be a loving caring creator and play with our lives like dolls. There is sickness and death in all living things. In love there is heartbreak and sadness. The Bible doesn't assure a perfect life on earth. It does assure a perfect one after we leave this here, if we believe, no matter what the date.

Facing Fears...Showing up....and facing the Pang's of Life...

Last Friday I did my first stage production in Joliet with the Theater Guild! The last time I was in a play was in third grade when I played a rabbit. Oh, and in first grade, I was Santa! We are doing Fred Carmichael's "Meet My Husbands." It is a comedy and very much like "I Love Lucy". It has been well received. I play Grant Griswold, the spoiler, the guy you love to hate. I haven't gotten one laugh or a peep from the audience so I must be doing okay. THEY HATE ME! The character is crass, rude, vain, smarmy, manipulative and a player. Obviously a complete polar opposite from the way I was when I was using on the streets for twenty years.

Two things really struck me about the part and doing live theater. First of all, on opening night I was absolutely terrified to the point of a panic attack. There were only 30 people in the crowd! Four days earlier I was perfectly comfortable telling jokes and my story of addiction to 300 of the toughest dudes on the planet and it didn't phase me. Now I'm in front of the neighbors and freaking out. I realized that I was out of my element and I had 8 other people on stage with me. If I fail doing stand up, it's me against the world. I can beat myself up and move on. I was afraid I would let the other actors down and it was really freaking me out. Robin Christopher and Mo the Stage Manager, Luke, Yvonne, Michael, Jacqueline, Devon, Laurel and Joe all helped me as a team. They were all there for me.

Saturday, I also did my first real speaking role in a film called "Chasing Hollywood" being shot here in the Windy City. Check YouTube, there are trailers up. My role was a lot of fun. I made my way back to the theater in time for my role as the hated Grant Griswold. I also made contact with an extraordinary woman over the last 10 day that will put this into perspective, I hope. We are all messengers and we all have roles to play. Some, we play unwittingly and deliver the message not realizing we are doing it. Some messages we deliver like diatribes, preplanned and packaged to be dumped on our loved ones, friends or co-workers.

Sometimes we know we have a tough job or message to deliver or road to go down and we face it with dignity and grace as best as we can. Kerry faced the death of her husband with grace and took it farther by taking in sweet Misty, a foster child with truly special needs. They saved each other's lives. Kerry could have walked away. Apathy is humanity's most pervasive sickness as far as I'm concerned. I was an inch away from cancelling my gig with the Comedy/Faith Outreach at Statesville but the reasonable voice in my melon said I couldn't do it. It ended up being one of the most memorable and inspirational days of my life.

Being a messenger can be just being there. Sometimes it's huge. Other times it's just a smile. Sometimes it's adopting a foster child. It might be giving hope and a laugh to some guys who may never see freedom again. It may be being with someone you love, knowing in your heart that the story is going to have an unhappy ending and staying anyway. My wife stayed with me when I was drunk, pissing the bed, screaming, useless and pathetic. She saw something in me I didn't have the capacity to grasp. She calls it an aura. I'll let her explain that in another blog.

Everyone knows that I am a Beatles fan but I'm a John Lennon Freak. His music was light years ahead of its time. His activism unmatched, his complexity noted, his genius real and his passion to the bone. Through some luck and some messages I became friends with May Pang, Lennon's companion and love during the so called "Lost Weekend Years" of 1973-1975. May was hand picked by Yoko Ono to look after John and keep him out of trouble for a while. She did all that, and more. I had a "Lost Decade." May inspired John and was much more than a personal assistant. They were the real deal. From everything I have read, John was playing pretty hard out in California and May kept him growing, writing and getting himself together for creating some of his best stuff.

The point of bringing her up is to first thank her for her generosity in the memorabilia we have spoken of that she is sending me. I truly loved John. I feel her love for him. She had to know there was going to be an end of the line. The proverbial crash into the brick wall was inevitable. I wouldn't dare ask her that but she knew. I feel he loved her too. Look at the pictures from then of him with her and Ringo, George, Harry Nillson, Keith Moon and the whole crazy crew. John looked really happy again. May stayed for all 15 rounds until the knock out and still walks around with dignity and grace, respecting his memory and legacy straight down the line. Her new book "Instamatic Karma" is filled with her photos and cool insights. Hopefully, she will be in Chicago soon. She has also inspired me to launch the "Every Day Is A Gift Radio Blog." Coming soon! Details by May.

From Kerry to May, to you, and you, and you! We all have something positive to add to the world. Sometimes it's saying the right thing or nothing at all. Sometimes it's climbing a mountain or having the cocoa ready at the bottom. It may be building a castle or holding a nail. It can be just being there when you don't want to be. It can be facing your fear when you're dying to run. It can be sticking it out when you know there's a chance you're going to run into a brick wall. Karma is simple. You get out what you put in. If you live in apathy don't be shocked that no one cares what's going on in your world. MAKE LIFE HAPPEN! HAVE A DAY! That felt good. Let's try that again after we go make someone smile.

If Life Is Serving You A Turd Sandwich You Don't Have To Eat It!

Every Day Is A Gift. I can see that more clearly now. The immeasurable fury of nature is awesome at the least. I think it's God's way of letting us know he may let us run the show sometimes, but he is the director. I do not say that lightly. We can put a camera on Mars, but we can't accurately predict the weather. Sometimes we are humbled by God's grace, other times humbled by his power.

For my brief political fact one of the first things that the GOP controlled Senate slashed from the budget was NOAH and the Tsunami early detection system funding. California, Alaska, Hawaii, Florida and the whole East and West coast take heed. Cutting spending in areas that could cost thousands of lives and billions in treasure is backwards thinking. The early warning system in Japan gave the population 30 minutes to reach higher ground. Thousands of lives were undoubtedly saved from the Noah warnings.

The devastation that continues to rock Japan, and the world, is a quick way in and out of the pity pot. My last few chapters have been dark and sad, yet starkly real. The challenges we are going through with our daughter's recovery is day to day. My Lab Cooter's health is day to day. My job search is day to day. Our economic health is on life support but we are alive. Every day is a gift. I see it more clearly daily.

Sometimes as humans we tend to focus on the things we don't have instead of rejoicing for the things we do. I know I do. Once my snowflake of self-pity starts rolling it can become a massive ball of icy chaos before I can say Frosty the Snowman. I don't know if everyone does it, but I can't be happy in my discontentment when there is one thing that is out of whack in my world. I tend to start searching for more of what's wrong in my life so I can have a big fat, sour life sucker to pout with.

My wife can make a simple correction or "suggestion" to me about how I am putting the plates in the dishwasher the wrong way and I'm off to the races. Suddenly I'm catapulted into a complete reevaluation of my life. Is our marriage failing? Should I move to Nassau? She probably has someone else! I'm joining the Peace Corp! I can go from not putting the coffee cups on the right rack to eating wolverines in the jungles of Nicaragua in the span of about 2 minutes!

If I don't catch the ice mass when it is still a snow ball I'm in for a very long day with myself. As if taking cues from my wife's remarks, the whole world seems to turn their focus on giving me a turd sandwich to munch on for the rest of the day. Drivers cut me off. I get flipped off for unknown reasons. It starts to pour as I open my car door. My coffee spills down my shirt on the last sip. It is like a universal conspiracy has been set in motion to insure my day goes horribly!

I know very little, but some things I know for sure. If I think that God takes time out of his day to mess with me it's time to reassess my size in the universe. I also know that people, places and things don't make us happy. We allow them to make us happy or sad, angry or indifferent. Feelings are an inside job. There have been times when my wife has called me a "big baby" and I laugh at her amusing observation. Yet other times when she has called me a "big baby" I have puckered my lip and said I AM NOT A BABY! YOU ARE TIMES INFINITY!

The key to healthy, right thinking is in my approach. I start my day by saying to myself "God, please get into my head before I do." That usually starts things out on a good note. If I roll out of bed and say it's gonna be "one of those days," it will be. If I find that my day is not going the way I want it to, I can stop, regroup, check what is really bothering me and start all over again. The choice is mine. When my day is filled with more thank you's than pleases I know I'm on the right track.

Every Day Is A Gift That's Why They Call It The Present...

The catastrophic devastation that is ravaging Japan right now has to make you stop and think. As scenes of desperation keep coming in, the possible nuclear meltdown of 2 of Japan's 12 reactors is surreal. As Americans we see the images and it looks like a made-for TV movie. We tune in, watch with care, then switch the channel to our favorite show and make a sandwich. With the exception of 9/11 and hurricane Katrina we have been very lucky when it comes to acts of God and natural disaster.

In recovery the focus is on staying "clean" day-to-day. The reasoning is that  the addict has too many yesterdays and the regret and uncertainty of the future creates anxiety. Living in this one day at a time mentality has made my life better. Not only in reducing my desire to use or drink but in the total of my very existence. How many events like the ones in Japan, Haiti, Thailand, New Zealand, Iran, Pakistan, India and other countries devastated by disaster must we see before we change our focus from me, Me, ME to us, Us, US! Somewhere along the line we have thought of ourselves as unique and almost immune to catastrophe.

I'm proud to hear "God Bless America" and all the other patriotic songs that fill our stadiums and media. I wish we could open our minds and open our blessings to all nations in this world. The planet is getting smaller by the day through commerce, trade and communications. The impact of the tsunami in Japan will effect our world economy. The unrest in the Middle East has brought gas price up almost 30 cents a gallon. We are not isolationists in our Capitalistic goals. We need to think of ourselves as part of the earth. Not the center of the earth!

In addiction the addict thinks that the world revolves around them. It is all about their feelings, desires, needs and simply getting what they want when they want it. I sometimes feel like we have this it's-America-and-the-rest-of-the-universe mentality. America acts as if it's Earth and the rest of the world revolves in its orbit. Last I checked Jesus was born in Israel and grew up in Egypt and Nazareth. I have yet to read about him living in Cleveland. Some say he appeared in Utah but that is another blog. Christianity itself migrated from the Middle East to Western Europe to the United States. We live in the greatest country in the world but the last few words are "in the world."

We seem to have hijacked Jesus and God's blessings for America. When there is a crisis we open our hearts to other nations but we should be thinking about everyone all the time. In most countries when they say they have nothing to eat, they really have nothing to eat. When we stand in front of our fridge or pantry saying there is nothing to eat, that really means we have so many differnt items to eat but some particular one isn't exciting our taste buds. We take much for granted here. I do too. We have it pretty good here.

All of life is lived only a day at a time whether you're an addict or an earthling. Accidents, medical crisis, drunk drivers, disease and nature makes all of us viable candidates for death every day. If you're like me I always sat around talking about the things I would do "tomorrow" or when "I retire." The point is we miss a lot of todays due to yesterdays we won't let go of and tomorrows that may never come. How are you with those in your orbit today? Did you wake up mad at your mom, kids, spouse or neighbor? How important is it? I live my life thinking that each time I see someone may be my last so I try to leave it on a good note.

Recovery focuses on mending fences and squaring things with the people in our past and present. This is a great way to think for anyone. Maybe the addicts are onto a pretty good idea. We are also taught to give of ourselves to others first. We are all selfish at heart, wanting the most comfort for ourselves and families. Screw the neighbors. In today's world most of us only know a few of our neighbors. Most of them we see and wave politely as we drive past. We have gone from the United States to the What-about-me nation. I don't think there are nations and states in heaven. I think all colors and sizes have equal access. I feel that America is a part of God's great plan. I know we will all stand alone before our maker and I don't think Gabriel checks passports or bank accounts before our arrival.

Try living life like an addict, day to day. It really is a great way to live. It reduces stress and anxiety about tomorrow. It relieves us of guilt, shame and remorse of our past. Make things right with those you are fighting with. Even if they're wrong your happiness is being affected by the riff. Don't let people live in your head rent free. Love people. Play with your kids. Think of how you can add something positive to the universe today. We live in the greatest country in the world so we should also be the leaders in love, peace and understanding. The plans you haven't gotten around to with your kids should be done now. See the beauty in each sunrise. Give thanks at the end of the day for another day of life. Every day is the present. Spread the gift around. May God Bless us ALL!

Sunny Day's Returning..... Intermittent Smiles and Dark Clouds!

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Drugs-Labeled-Bath-
I would like to welcome Norway to the family. This is technically my 100th blog and I decided I'm going to continue it. I think my little "Should I Stay or Should I Go Now" rant was a byproduct of the emotional rollercoaster I've been on with the family and Sunny. Ultimately this is my journal so if no one reads it I feel bad but good for venting. I would also like to say that Mick Jones ruined the Clash. That's for the Strummer lover in Sad Seattle. Ian would like to fill Mr. Jones lap with a pile of Big Audio Dynamite!

Things are kinda touch and go here. Sunny is cleaning out and there are signs of my daughter peeking out every once in a while. I remember those first few days of living moment to moment, wanting to use but knowing you can't. It is hellish! The emotional swings or the inability to have feelings is hard to process. Naturally her phone is ringing off the hook. All the users, dealers, playmates and hangers-on are covering their tracks to make sure there will be no reprecussions from her visit with the police and the hospital. We're not out for vengeance. Just leave my daughter alone. If they continue to hound her I can be quite the Irishman protecting home and hearth.

She is spending the weekend with us and we are "babysitting" her for now. She has the right attitude so far. When people enter recovery there are two trains of thought. The first is let's do dis! The second is f**k this! She is open minded. That is huge. She knows it's out of control. That is even huger! She wants to seek treatment, that's the hugest! Sometimes I honestly wonder if Sunny is the one person who God wanted me to help get sober. I hope I help someone. Out of all my experiences the three most important things needed for a possible recovery is honesty, having an open mind and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

Tonight we are going to a recovery meeting together along with one of her friends who wants help. That is so cool. We have also found some young people recovery groups for her to check out. I know that she is on a good path. However the path of sobriety is more like a tightrope in the early stages. You have one foot on hope and the other on obsession to use. It makes the insanity of addiction all the more real. When you are getting high you know deep down inside that you are doing something wrong but the drug allows you to forget that you are risking losing everything. The desire to use is stronger than the fear of losing your loved ones, your kids, your house, your self-respect and your life.

I can remember when I was homeless. I considered it "character building" and teaching me survival skills. That is the sickest twist to addiction. The disease wants to kill you and you thank it for the ride. There were times when I would wake up next to a woman and not know her name, how I met her or where I was at. Yet somehow I thought it was an adventure. When I would eat from the leftovers hotel guests left in the hallways I would think, Wow they didn't even touch these fries. What a score. I'm like McGyver.

They say that recovery is a simple plan for complicated people. I know I fit that category. I like to complicate everything. As an addict your 3 steps ahead of a conversation when it's happening. All the positive first signs are there for my girl but I know that recovery is between her and God. We will continue to guide her in the right direction and pray that she stays strong. All the knowledge of addiction is useless if it isn't put into play on a daily basis. When she walks out that door it's just her, God and her addiction.

When you're in the middle of addiction it is your God. It is the omnipotent chemical. The God of heaven is feared or detested by the user. We feel abandoned by God, that He has singled us out for hell on earth. Out of the billions of people on the planet the almighty is going to pick on little old me. Addiction is all about "ME!" In active use the addict reacts to life emotionally, not logically. I often think that when addicts are born they are given half the logic and twice the sensitivity of the average person.

It takes a long time for the fog to clear. I felt like I was going crazy every day for the first 6 months of my sobriety. It's like being a baby again. Emotions and logic are clashing. The obsession is still strong but the body is healing. Addiction and recovery are an inside job. It's the chaos in our mind that we are either trying to escape or piece back together once we stop.

I have no false hopes. Recovery is a bitch in the beginning and needs to be maintained daily like managing diabetes. We are hopeful and pray for her continued strength. I also know the odds are stacked against her. Please pray for her and my wife Kris. This is the third time she has had to deal with an addict and I'm amazed at her strength. With God anything is possible. Never forget....You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without Him. I love you guys. Make someone smile and remember every day is a GIFT.

The Sit Down...Partly Sunny With Patches of Fog and Tweeking!

Sometimes people ask me why I write so openly about my trials and tales of alcoholism and addiction. It is usually something a family tries very hard to cover up. My readership has gone from 100 readers a day to 100 readers a week. The stories are getting old to you. My point has been to bring functional addiction out into the open. I have shared my story to help you think about whether you have a problem. Maybe it's your husband, or wife or child. My feeling has been that if I have helped one person stop, or gain insight into this deadly reality, my years of pain were not lived in vain.

This is my 100th post. I told myself I would stop at 100, reassess the reach and impact the blog had, and go from there. The decline in reads tells me the facts. People are uncomfortable with my uneasy subjects. My wife has spoken about living with an addict, I have told you about my own lost years through alcoholism and chemical abuse, and now you have heard some of what we are facing with our daughter.

I am glad that autism and chemical imbalance have come into the light. I do have a problem with the marketing of quick fix pills that relieve symptoms but don't address the causes. You can watch any of these commercials and self-diagnose yourself between commercial breaks. I have watched commercials about menopause pills and felt I had at least four of the symptoms. These drugs are marketed like spaghetti sauce. Uncle Phil passes the bowl to his nephew knowing he's not going to wet his pants. Sleeping pill ads are filled with butterflies and well rested actors. Kids don't need to got to the street to score anymore, they can just reach into the medicine cabinet.

The availability of drugs is a huge problem that's growing by the minute. There are as many, or more, drugs available in your "cute" suburban neighborhood than the Northside, Southside or Westside of Chicago. It's not just weed like "back in the day." It is now crack, coke, meth, heroin, painkillers, Ecstasy, and the latest craze "Cloud nine," a mixture of cocaine and Egyptian bath crystals. The drugs are man made, cheap to produce and quick to destroy. The Internet has given our kids an unending resource for finding the latest get high craze, or "how to make it yourself" recipes.

In our desire to "keep up with the Jones'" mentality, and not wanting to appear dysfunctional to the world outside, we enable and embolden our kids. Addiction is the new "pink elephant" in the room. We deny or just don't know how to face the issues our kids deal with daily. It is new to us. We never had so much information and avenues to get high when we were growing up. It is only going to get worse. Money is the root of all evil, and death can be purchased for just a few bucks.

Being in recovery gives me some insight into what makes an addict tick or the signs to look for. That doesn't insulate my loved ones from the poison that's available at anytime, in anyplace. My wife and family have a new challenge with our daughter. She said all the right things and layed out the drama. She couldn't look us in the eye (a huge red flag). She is scared and remorseful. She is feeling all of the emotions that come with crashing or being caught.

She is being drug tested at school. She has agreed to go to recovery meetings. She understands that the next stop is rehab. The wounds are raw and the pain is fresh. The real test will come over the weekend. Quitting dope or booze is achieved by many. Staying stopped is achieved by few. We are not kidding ourselves. Addiction is stronger than love. It is an inside job. It constantly gnaws at the addict, begging us to give in to "feel better". It does make you feel better temporarily. Then comes the crash, the remorse, the shame, the self-loathing and all the pain comes again. This time with a little extra discomfort.

The cycle of scoring, using, crashing, feeling like hell and wanting it to go away becomes a vicious circle and dead end. Addicts are on a human hamster wheel, always running but only going around in circles. Words and threats mean nothing to an addict. When using, we are tuned into the "get high" channel 24/7. It is a lonely existence that few truly understand. I am in recovery but I still have to do things on a daily basis to "stay stopped." I talk to others in recovery. I have a mentor. I read about my disease. I help others with theirs. It is a lifelong commitment. I will always be an addict. I have just got it locked in a rusty cage inside my mind.

It is still working up in my noodle, trying to find ways to get out. Active participation is essential to my continuing sobriety. If I begin to isolate, and cut myself off from those addicts just like me, the time will come when my addiction says just the right thing to get me to pick up. My sick mind doesn't always give me sane advice. I need to share my feelings with people like me. If you are not an addict but a loved one with a problem says that you don't understand, you really don't understand, no matter how many times you have watched Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. I know what it is like to have a baby, but I will never know what it's like to have a baby.

Our daughter is making some good decisions on addressing her problem. The follow through is up to her and our family. The only person who can get an addict clean is the addict, with the help of God and other addicts. Our hearts may be broken. There me be lost ground. There may be lies and broken promises. We are ready for all of these possibilities. We pray, we love, we support and we hope that she will make her way back onto the path of sobriety. There are no guarantees. We know that also. All we can do is our best. It is in God's hands. I hope I have helped you in some way. Keep the faith. Remember EVERY DAY IS A GIFT! GOD BLESS YOU!