http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Drugs-Labeled-Bath-
I would like to welcome Norway to the family. This is technically my 100th blog and I decided I'm going to continue it. I think my little "Should I Stay or Should I Go Now" rant was a byproduct of the emotional rollercoaster I've been on with the family and Sunny. Ultimately this is my journal so if no one reads it I feel bad but good for venting. I would also like to say that Mick Jones ruined the Clash. That's for the Strummer lover in Sad Seattle. Ian would like to fill Mr. Jones lap with a pile of Big Audio Dynamite!
Things are kinda touch and go here. Sunny is cleaning out and there are signs of my daughter peeking out every once in a while. I remember those first few days of living moment to moment, wanting to use but knowing you can't. It is hellish! The emotional swings or the inability to have feelings is hard to process. Naturally her phone is ringing off the hook. All the users, dealers, playmates and hangers-on are covering their tracks to make sure there will be no reprecussions from her visit with the police and the hospital. We're not out for vengeance. Just leave my daughter alone. If they continue to hound her I can be quite the Irishman protecting home and hearth.
She is spending the weekend with us and we are "babysitting" her for now. She has the right attitude so far. When people enter recovery there are two trains of thought. The first is let's do dis! The second is f**k this! She is open minded. That is huge. She knows it's out of control. That is even huger! She wants to seek treatment, that's the hugest! Sometimes I honestly wonder if Sunny is the one person who God wanted me to help get sober. I hope I help someone. Out of all my experiences the three most important things needed for a possible recovery is honesty, having an open mind and being willing to do whatever it takes to stay sober.
Tonight we are going to a recovery meeting together along with one of her friends who wants help. That is so cool. We have also found some young people recovery groups for her to check out. I know that she is on a good path. However the path of sobriety is more like a tightrope in the early stages. You have one foot on hope and the other on obsession to use. It makes the insanity of addiction all the more real. When you are getting high you know deep down inside that you are doing something wrong but the drug allows you to forget that you are risking losing everything. The desire to use is stronger than the fear of losing your loved ones, your kids, your house, your self-respect and your life.
I can remember when I was homeless. I considered it "character building" and teaching me survival skills. That is the sickest twist to addiction. The disease wants to kill you and you thank it for the ride. There were times when I would wake up next to a woman and not know her name, how I met her or where I was at. Yet somehow I thought it was an adventure. When I would eat from the leftovers hotel guests left in the hallways I would think, Wow they didn't even touch these fries. What a score. I'm like McGyver.
They say that recovery is a simple plan for complicated people. I know I fit that category. I like to complicate everything. As an addict your 3 steps ahead of a conversation when it's happening. All the positive first signs are there for my girl but I know that recovery is between her and God. We will continue to guide her in the right direction and pray that she stays strong. All the knowledge of addiction is useless if it isn't put into play on a daily basis. When she walks out that door it's just her, God and her addiction.
When you're in the middle of addiction it is your God. It is the omnipotent chemical. The God of heaven is feared or detested by the user. We feel abandoned by God, that He has singled us out for hell on earth. Out of the billions of people on the planet the almighty is going to pick on little old me. Addiction is all about "ME!" In active use the addict reacts to life emotionally, not logically. I often think that when addicts are born they are given half the logic and twice the sensitivity of the average person.
It takes a long time for the fog to clear. I felt like I was going crazy every day for the first 6 months of my sobriety. It's like being a baby again. Emotions and logic are clashing. The obsession is still strong but the body is healing. Addiction and recovery are an inside job. It's the chaos in our mind that we are either trying to escape or piece back together once we stop.
I have no false hopes. Recovery is a bitch in the beginning and needs to be maintained daily like managing diabetes. We are hopeful and pray for her continued strength. I also know the odds are stacked against her. Please pray for her and my wife Kris. This is the third time she has had to deal with an addict and I'm amazed at her strength. With God anything is possible. Never forget....You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without Him. I love you guys. Make someone smile and remember every day is a GIFT.
No comments:
Post a Comment