In addiction the addict stays camped out inside our head, ready to put its two cents into a situation whenever it can if we don't keep it locked in its cage. We do that through recovery groups, helping others in recovery, spiritual development and logical thinking. Logical thinking is the rub. An addict lives his life emotionally, feeding unwanted feelings with the drug of choice. He reacts first and then sorts out the damage. I let my emotions spill out on paper without thinking logically about what my wife's legitimate concerns were. I acted first and asked questions later.
Over the last few weeks I have been caught up in my daughter's problems, theatre production, a comedy showcase and an offer for a film called "Sidetracked" while I await word on another project I am very interested in for later in the summer. There is also the renewal of "The Chicago Code" and some student projects I have volunteered for at Columbia College Film School, where I am a proud alum. Basically I have let myself get chaotic and emotional.
My wife is thrilled with my career and doesn't want me to stop what I am doing. I let an emotional outburst she laid on me effect me and I got defensive. "Mom of Two" was quick to point out that there were probably many times when I shot my mouth off when I was using or drinking. She is spot on. My wife made a comment that she knew would hurt me, to get my attention. This is another practice I used to participate in frequently.
I have no resentment with my daughter getting child support. You missed the mark there, "Mom of two." I am frustrated that I don't know where she is. I went wrong by not listening to my wife's lashing out and hear where she was coming from. There were some simple things she needed me to do. Going back to sales and giving up acting isn't on the list. I reacted defensively instead of compassionately. That is old behavior. I am still an alcoholic. I do not use alcohol but there is still some "ick" that pops out sometimes. Recovery is a lifelong process. My wife and I are wonderful. She is the next greatest thing to my sobriety.
God does not come down with fire and burning bush so much these days. He speaks through us. "Mom of Two", thank you for being a messenger for me to see things clearly. I needed your third party slap in the face to get back on page. I have passed on the film "Sidetracked" and will be managing my projects more efficiently to accommodate my personal universe. "Mom of Two", you never know when God is going to have you step up to the plate and be His instrument of change for the day or moment. I thank you for being mine today. God bless us all!
No comments:
Post a Comment