The fact that I had to put our yellow lab "Cooter" down Tuesday, 8 months after I put down our Pug Ruby, has devastated me and our family. Being the guy who takes our beloved pets on their last car trip is an unenviable task I dread. I love God's creatures. Most of them, that is. When talking about facing fears great or small, should I or shouldn't I, and what defines great and small?
I have mentioned in other chapters about my fears of clowns, dentists and bats. My ultimate fear is going to the dentist only to find him dressed in a bat costume with a rubber nose and rubber shoes. Those are real phobias. I use comedy to deflect real feelings of discomfort. Taking them one by one, I never took my kids to the circus. Remember that chapter? I still have no guilt! That phobia is easily managed. No circus, no problem. The dentist has a note in my file about my phobia and I get gas, even for a cleaning. Problem solved. That brings us to the bats.
Everyone knows of my love for rescuing animals! I like animals better than people for the most part. I know, not very Christianly. Giving it to you straight has been my thing, why change now? I know others who fear the dentist and clowns. Being a comedian all 3 phobias can be material for me. Animals are God's nonspeaking buffers between humanity that bring us happy. That is except for bats. I find these creatures to be the most vile creation in God's animal playbook. I know he was very busy during those days of creation. It is a part bird, part rat-like thing, part blood or bug sucking thing, it is blind and only comes out in the dark to prey on the unsuspecting.
I don't get it! Birds are beautiful! I adore hawks and birds of prey! I think bats are actually what people see when they encounter the chupacabra! Why is a bat turd called guano? That sounds like something I want to dip a tortilla chip into! Why do bat turds get such a prestigious name for a dump? Cows have pies, okay. Horses have apples, okay. If you've been on a farm those are pretty good visual descriptions of what they leave behind. Guano sounds like the latest hot spot martini bar on Rush and Division. Why does such a filthy, deplorable, rabid beast get a designer turd moniker? Stop the madness!
Growing up in Mokena and around Joliet we saw bats. I was horrified by them. The way they flew erratically, possibly carrying rabies, lice or bubonic plague or a chunk of cow hair they took off poor Elsie in the field next door was paralyzing. The articles I still read in the papers freak me out. "2 rabid bats found in Joliet Forest Preserve." Plainfield bat tests confirm rabies!" I know it seems silly, but is my phobia silly?
You may say "Tom you made it through 20 years of addiction, alcoholism depression, anxiety, panic and homelessness. Why are you worried about the bat phobia? The roaches didn't bother you that much." The answer is multi-layered. We all have fears and inner conflicts. My addictions and depression were massive obstacles that had to be faced. The clown and dentist phobias had solutions I created to get around or deal with them
We all have fears, phobias and things that freak us out which we don't talk about for personal or societal reasons. I had a bat experience that terrified me as a kid. It involved me, my sister, my mom and my stepfather. I remember it like yesterday. I can tell you details including weather. I called them both this morning. My sister vaguely remembers the incident, my mom not at all. I think I remember it because the incident was between me and my stepfather and this bat that I dreaded going near. If I didn't I felt I would be a sissy. To fear bats in general is feminine, not that there is anything wrong with a man being in touch with his feminine side.
I have let these little flying varmints freak me out since I had the ability to remember things. I have stories about Mammoth Cave Kentucky and the exhibit at Brookfield Zoo that almost killed me with a panic attack because bats fly free in the enclosure. Note to self: Read zoo instructions before entering.
I don't talk about this fear with people because I feel it's stupid but it genuinely effects me if there is a bat situation occurring. Do you have a silly fear that maybe isn't so silly? I have only taken my kids to the zoo once. We have never been to a circus and never to the forest preserve (particularly after dark) all because of this bat thing. It kills me because I love animals so much and I let this one bastard flyin' rat prevent me from showing my kids 100's of other species I adore.
I can face an inferno, but I am terrified by a match. Laugh. I make jokes. I have never turned to my friend Patrick and said "Bats scare the shit out of me." Dudes don't do that. He would probably push me out of the car. No, really. If you knew Patrick, he really would push me out of the car.
I submitted to an ad to appear on a program that deals with fear of animals. I did it on a whim, half joking, half secretly crying out for help for this insane phobia. They called me and are interested in my fear of bats. Now I have to decide if I want to apply or not and tell the world I don't like bats. God sure has a sense of humor. God bless us all. If you're looking for something to do tonight, head on out to Guano. They have a live band Billy Bozo and the drillers.
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