It's been a few days since my last blog. Facebook didn't let me post it for some reason. It was probably the fact that I mentioned China and Turkey and love in the same blog. It obviously got picked up by Big Brother and checked out. Sorry but I'm a child of the Sixties. I was in fact a child in the 60's and some of my views mirror those times. I think the 70's get a bad rap too. At least until 1975. We had some great music in the 70's that gets overlooked by disco and bad clothes.
I have been going through a down time the last few days. No work. Family pressure abounds. I also suffer from depression but those days come and I know they'll pass. The worst thing I do when I'm in a funk is to isolate. Being alone can be a pretty scary place for me. When I am stuck listening to me all day it's like I'm stuck with a comedian and drama queen. Oh wait! I am a comedian and drama queen. Depression is not a dessert best served alone. It can be very cold.
I know all the punchlines to my jokes so hearing them over-and-over in my head is not good. I always know what's coming. Of course I need to bring in the drama by posting heavy, brooding troubadours like John Prine, Johnny Cash, Tom Waits, The Cure and Kris Kristofferson. I love to share my pain. Ever since I was a little boy I always felt that songs could capture my emotions and express them better than my own yapping. I still feel that way. When I found myself listening to John Coltrane all day I knew there was a problem. Note to readers: Coltrane is great to chill out to but not recommended if your hamster just died.
I have learned from my depression and recovery that the best solution for keeping a healthy attitude is by getting out of myself. I picked up the phone and called some people in recovery. Unfortunately when two people in recovery try to make a plan of action you end up with 5 opinions. I went outside. I talked to a couple friends and I checked my Facebook.
Facebook takes a bad rap. I think it is ingenius. While I was feeling low I had words of encouragement from old friends, new friends, strangers, my grade school science teacher and folks who suffer from the same maladies I do. That is far out! That is technology at it's finest. When I get a friend request from "Hot Mama Waitin" things get a little dicey. I thank you all for being my friends.
The problem for me is when I get the strange notion that I can control people, places and things. Worry is not innate. We picked it up along the way along with anxiety. I can say that I have never worried my way into pleasant conclusions consistently. It's a wasted energy. I think the Buddhists got something there. Did you ever see a pissed off Tibetan monk? I didn't think so. I have yet to see the Dalai Lama punch a photographer on CNN. I have learned that I can't sit on the problem or I will slowly rot. If I take hold of the solution I grow and thrive.
Last night, Squeaky and I went to our first recovery group for people who have addicts in their lives. It was unusual for me to be on the other side of the table and hear what it's like to live with addiction, or more accurately, how it effects everyone. Addiction is like a bad potato. When one starts to rot it makes everyone around them rot to. It enlightened me and stung a little. There was a young girl who reflected on late night fights and broken dishes. Childhood incidents that I lived and can recall like yesterday were suddenly brought back to the forefront. My anger at my stepfather grew steadily. That was until I remembered he is dead now. You win some, you lose some! I have forgiven him.
The main thing to remember is every day is a gift. Sometimes the gift is G.I. Joe with kung fu grip, other days it's a turtleneck. Thats the way it goes. When I think I'm in the dumps I have to remember there are people all over the world living in dumps. I can only do my best. When I don't try to make someone smile or reach out a hand of encouragement I'm not showing God my appreciation for pulling me from the horrible pit, the miry clay that was my life for 20 plus years.
If you're not comfortable in your skin, if you're miserable or if you're at the end of your rope, then call a friend. If you don't you might throw that rope over the limb of an old oak tree. I have been to those depths. It wasn't until I reached out my hand for help that I was saved from myself. Sometimes you have to surrender the battle to win the war. Sometimes life is going to give you a turtleneck or worse yet, tube socks. I will always reach out for help because I know in my soul I can't handle this on my own or I will self-destruct and waste away.
Thank you again for being there for me. Sunny is getting stronger by the day. We are optimistic but realistic. I have to turn things over to God and the people around me. I can do many things by myself but I am never alone. There is strength in numbers. Sometimes you're the dog, sometimes you're the hydrant. That's the way it goes. Thanks for helping me back out of the pit. The air is much fresher up here. I have put away the Coltrane and have turned up the Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Van Morrison. Like Sly said in the Summer of Love, "I'm just here to celebrate!" God Bless!
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