Sometimes people ask me why I write so openly about my trials and tales of alcoholism and addiction. It is usually something a family tries very hard to cover up. My readership has gone from 100 readers a day to 100 readers a week. The stories are getting old to you. My point has been to bring functional addiction out into the open. I have shared my story to help you think about whether you have a problem. Maybe it's your husband, or wife or child. My feeling has been that if I have helped one person stop, or gain insight into this deadly reality, my years of pain were not lived in vain.
This is my 100th post. I told myself I would stop at 100, reassess the reach and impact the blog had, and go from there. The decline in reads tells me the facts. People are uncomfortable with my uneasy subjects. My wife has spoken about living with an addict, I have told you about my own lost years through alcoholism and chemical abuse, and now you have heard some of what we are facing with our daughter.
I am glad that autism and chemical imbalance have come into the light. I do have a problem with the marketing of quick fix pills that relieve symptoms but don't address the causes. You can watch any of these commercials and self-diagnose yourself between commercial breaks. I have watched commercials about menopause pills and felt I had at least four of the symptoms. These drugs are marketed like spaghetti sauce. Uncle Phil passes the bowl to his nephew knowing he's not going to wet his pants. Sleeping pill ads are filled with butterflies and well rested actors. Kids don't need to got to the street to score anymore, they can just reach into the medicine cabinet.
The availability of drugs is a huge problem that's growing by the minute. There are as many, or more, drugs available in your "cute" suburban neighborhood than the Northside, Southside or Westside of Chicago. It's not just weed like "back in the day." It is now crack, coke, meth, heroin, painkillers, Ecstasy, and the latest craze "Cloud nine," a mixture of cocaine and Egyptian bath crystals. The drugs are man made, cheap to produce and quick to destroy. The Internet has given our kids an unending resource for finding the latest get high craze, or "how to make it yourself" recipes.
In our desire to "keep up with the Jones'" mentality, and not wanting to appear dysfunctional to the world outside, we enable and embolden our kids. Addiction is the new "pink elephant" in the room. We deny or just don't know how to face the issues our kids deal with daily. It is new to us. We never had so much information and avenues to get high when we were growing up. It is only going to get worse. Money is the root of all evil, and death can be purchased for just a few bucks.
Being in recovery gives me some insight into what makes an addict tick or the signs to look for. That doesn't insulate my loved ones from the poison that's available at anytime, in anyplace. My wife and family have a new challenge with our daughter. She said all the right things and layed out the drama. She couldn't look us in the eye (a huge red flag). She is scared and remorseful. She is feeling all of the emotions that come with crashing or being caught.
She is being drug tested at school. She has agreed to go to recovery meetings. She understands that the next stop is rehab. The wounds are raw and the pain is fresh. The real test will come over the weekend. Quitting dope or booze is achieved by many. Staying stopped is achieved by few. We are not kidding ourselves. Addiction is stronger than love. It is an inside job. It constantly gnaws at the addict, begging us to give in to "feel better". It does make you feel better temporarily. Then comes the crash, the remorse, the shame, the self-loathing and all the pain comes again. This time with a little extra discomfort.
The cycle of scoring, using, crashing, feeling like hell and wanting it to go away becomes a vicious circle and dead end. Addicts are on a human hamster wheel, always running but only going around in circles. Words and threats mean nothing to an addict. When using, we are tuned into the "get high" channel 24/7. It is a lonely existence that few truly understand. I am in recovery but I still have to do things on a daily basis to "stay stopped." I talk to others in recovery. I have a mentor. I read about my disease. I help others with theirs. It is a lifelong commitment. I will always be an addict. I have just got it locked in a rusty cage inside my mind.
It is still working up in my noodle, trying to find ways to get out. Active participation is essential to my continuing sobriety. If I begin to isolate, and cut myself off from those addicts just like me, the time will come when my addiction says just the right thing to get me to pick up. My sick mind doesn't always give me sane advice. I need to share my feelings with people like me. If you are not an addict but a loved one with a problem says that you don't understand, you really don't understand, no matter how many times you have watched Dr. Phil or Dr. Oz. I know what it is like to have a baby, but I will never know what it's like to have a baby.
Our daughter is making some good decisions on addressing her problem. The follow through is up to her and our family. The only person who can get an addict clean is the addict, with the help of God and other addicts. Our hearts may be broken. There me be lost ground. There may be lies and broken promises. We are ready for all of these possibilities. We pray, we love, we support and we hope that she will make her way back onto the path of sobriety. There are no guarantees. We know that also. All we can do is our best. It is in God's hands. I hope I have helped you in some way. Keep the faith. Remember EVERY DAY IS A GIFT! GOD BLESS YOU!
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