When you are caught in the grasp of active addiction the addiction or "drug of choice" becomes your God. It is what has the most power over you and the first thing you turn to when you don't feel the way you want to feel. The God of Heaven is there to be filled in on our plans. He is wonderful when things go our way. He is heartless when he doesn't give us what we want. While I was using I forced my way through life kicking ass and taking names while leaving a huge swath of destruction in my wake. Although it was personal to the victims and hostages I took, it wasn't personal to me. I did what I had to do to survive in my parallel universe.
It always amazed me that I could perform so many tasks with self-control and success in my life, but when it came to alcohol a 12 ounce can of beer was stronger than me. I am absolutely powerless over mind altering chemicals. I have kissed the Blarney Stone in Ireland and driven carefree across that beautiful country. I graduated from college. I have seen success is earthly and spiritual growth is eternal. I have found a new God, or a new perception of Him. He is not there. He is everywhere. He gives us the choice to do as we wish. He is there to pick up the pieces. I know Him by His first name which is love.
My 2nd oldest dog Cooter is having glandular problems again. She cries so much and grunts when she lays down. I look into her eyes and I see the pain deep within. Her wagging tail gets slower by the wiggle. She is almost 12, half blind, half deaf and living in the whole of my heart. I am taking her to the Vet Thursday. I am grateful to be sober and spiritually fit for whatever he tells me that day. I wish Ole Coot could tell me if she's ready to go or wants to hang around. I have been in this spot before and the tears are coming already. I know that God will give me direction. I know I'll do the right thing even if it's the thing I dread most.
Whoever says "they're just pets" doesn't truly understand that these amazing creatures are from God. I would be a liar if I didn't confess that I like animals more than people on most days. It is that love that guides me, even when I don't feel very loving, that I must turn to. It is the love that my FAMILY of animals gives me and my love for them that makes that moment of having to play God so difficult. I'm grateful I'm not God because the decisions He makes make mine seem like child's play. Sometimes the truest gift of love is being able to let go, let God and trust that you did the right thing. I wish above all that our pets could talk just one time, and that one time be when they're ready to head to paradise.
Sometimes....
Sometimes I feel trapped, between a whisper and a scream,
my pant leg snagged in the chain of my life.
If I force my way forward with the pedal in MY hand.
I hear my heart tearing like cloth and lurch back.
But if I call out for some help from above,
I'll make it home dirty but covered in love.
God Bless us All!
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