In addiction the addict stays camped out inside our head, ready to put its two cents into a situation whenever it can if we don't keep it locked in its cage. We do that through recovery groups, helping others in recovery, spiritual development and logical thinking. Logical thinking is the rub. An addict lives his life emotionally, feeding unwanted feelings with the drug of choice. He reacts first and then sorts out the damage. I let my emotions spill out on paper without thinking logically about what my wife's legitimate concerns were. I acted first and asked questions later.
Over the last few weeks I have been caught up in my daughter's problems, theatre production, a comedy showcase and an offer for a film called "Sidetracked" while I await word on another project I am very interested in for later in the summer. There is also the renewal of "The Chicago Code" and some student projects I have volunteered for at Columbia College Film School, where I am a proud alum. Basically I have let myself get chaotic and emotional.
My wife is thrilled with my career and doesn't want me to stop what I am doing. I let an emotional outburst she laid on me effect me and I got defensive. "Mom of Two" was quick to point out that there were probably many times when I shot my mouth off when I was using or drinking. She is spot on. My wife made a comment that she knew would hurt me, to get my attention. This is another practice I used to participate in frequently.
I have no resentment with my daughter getting child support. You missed the mark there, "Mom of two." I am frustrated that I don't know where she is. I went wrong by not listening to my wife's lashing out and hear where she was coming from. There were some simple things she needed me to do. Going back to sales and giving up acting isn't on the list. I reacted defensively instead of compassionately. That is old behavior. I am still an alcoholic. I do not use alcohol but there is still some "ick" that pops out sometimes. Recovery is a lifelong process. My wife and I are wonderful. She is the next greatest thing to my sobriety.
God does not come down with fire and burning bush so much these days. He speaks through us. "Mom of Two", thank you for being a messenger for me to see things clearly. I needed your third party slap in the face to get back on page. I have passed on the film "Sidetracked" and will be managing my projects more efficiently to accommodate my personal universe. "Mom of Two", you never know when God is going to have you step up to the plate and be His instrument of change for the day or moment. I thank you for being mine today. God bless us all!
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spiritual. Show all posts
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
The Great Spirit... The Last To Know... and the First to Go!
I have to confess that I am lazy. I take things for granted and I can slip back into old thinking and bad habits pretty easy. Whether it's being a good husband, father, son, friend or follower I can get complacent pretty quickly. I think the way to judge where I stand, or sit, in the relationships I listed above are based largely on how good or bad things are going in my life. For me, I am at the top of my game in all these relationships when there is trouble or challenges facing me. But as soon as things smooth out again I slip back into cruise control.
When I am with my wife I am a loving, attentive husband. If she is unhappy with me or anyone else I become "super hubby," jumping up like a loyal Shirpa to meet her every need. It is when I am alone, or things are just peachy, that I get a real gauge on how I am living my life. As I'm driving with my wife in the car and a pretty girl is walking down the street, I take a quick glance and look away out of respect for her feelings and our marriage. If I am alone the glance is a little longer and my thoughts less honorable or down right rotten.
When my kids are having problems with school or a relationship, I am Johnny on the spot to help them with homework or to lend an ear. When they are happy and cruising along through life, my relationship with them becomes less engaging and moves to the back burner. I see that they're okay and don't feel I need to jump in the middle and harsh their life buzz. This is laziness and pure rationalization on my part. If I don't see a problem, I assume that I'm not needed.
I have spoken of the conflicts I go through with my mother. If she is sick, or it's around a holiday or birthday, I see her more. I call her more. I take an active role in her well being and put my discomfort and issues with her to the side. As soon as she gets back on track, or says something hurtful to me, the calls become fewer and the visits nearly extinct. It's easy to do the right thing when things are a little shaky, but when we are on solid ground I retreat into complacency and go back to worrying about me.
When I am navigating my way through life on my own, I truly have a fool as my compass. I work with people in recovery and those who struggle with sobriety. That is the whole purpose in writing this book. If I have a fresh alcohol beaten subject in my midst, I am full of knowledge, guidance and myself. I help them to get a little sobriety under their belt, then push them out of the nest to learn to fly on their own when their wings are just starting to get strong.
It's easy to have faith when you are sitting in a pile of life's bird droppings and have nowhere to look but up. There were innumerable times when I was in hot water and I turned to heaven, begging God to "save me this one last time and I will do thy bidding." "Help my son out of this jam and I'll join the church choir." "Answer my prayers and I will dedicate my life to you and all of humanity." As soon as I was delivered and the heat is off, the prayers slow down to a trickle and my relationship with "Him" goes from confidante to acquaintance.
When the mortgage and bills are paid and all is well, I slip into spiritual cruise control and move from leaning on God, back to leaning on my own understanding. It is when I try to go it alone that things start falling apart in the first place. I go from dedicating all of my life to the will of God, to just filling him in on what's on my life schedule. My insistence on running the show is what gets me into the pickle in the first place! When I go it alone I begin to slowly self destruct.
The true test of faith is when things are good, not bad. When I am on fire I turn to my faith like a spiritual fire extinguisher. As soon as the flames are out I set the extinguisher to the side waiting for the next flare up. True faith is continuous and consistent. When I put my spiritual health at the front of the line in my life, good things happen. All the other relationships in my life bloom and thrive. When I try to run the show things start to go wrong.
A healthy life and faith are like beautiful flowers. It needs water, food, weeding and constant attention. As soon as we feed it less, water it on occasion and settle for the state it is in, it begins to die. I am human and will make lots of mistakes. A mentor to C.S. Lewis made the statement that "man can fail miserably with God, or succeed more miserably without him." These are wise words that I can't let myself ever forget. I need to give thanks for every day, good or bad. My attention to my marriage, children, family and friends need to be tended to at all times. If I begin to lose sight of my blessings all of the beautiful things I have been given will slowly start to die, just like that beautiful flower.
When I am with my wife I am a loving, attentive husband. If she is unhappy with me or anyone else I become "super hubby," jumping up like a loyal Shirpa to meet her every need. It is when I am alone, or things are just peachy, that I get a real gauge on how I am living my life. As I'm driving with my wife in the car and a pretty girl is walking down the street, I take a quick glance and look away out of respect for her feelings and our marriage. If I am alone the glance is a little longer and my thoughts less honorable or down right rotten.
When my kids are having problems with school or a relationship, I am Johnny on the spot to help them with homework or to lend an ear. When they are happy and cruising along through life, my relationship with them becomes less engaging and moves to the back burner. I see that they're okay and don't feel I need to jump in the middle and harsh their life buzz. This is laziness and pure rationalization on my part. If I don't see a problem, I assume that I'm not needed.
I have spoken of the conflicts I go through with my mother. If she is sick, or it's around a holiday or birthday, I see her more. I call her more. I take an active role in her well being and put my discomfort and issues with her to the side. As soon as she gets back on track, or says something hurtful to me, the calls become fewer and the visits nearly extinct. It's easy to do the right thing when things are a little shaky, but when we are on solid ground I retreat into complacency and go back to worrying about me.
When I am navigating my way through life on my own, I truly have a fool as my compass. I work with people in recovery and those who struggle with sobriety. That is the whole purpose in writing this book. If I have a fresh alcohol beaten subject in my midst, I am full of knowledge, guidance and myself. I help them to get a little sobriety under their belt, then push them out of the nest to learn to fly on their own when their wings are just starting to get strong.
It's easy to have faith when you are sitting in a pile of life's bird droppings and have nowhere to look but up. There were innumerable times when I was in hot water and I turned to heaven, begging God to "save me this one last time and I will do thy bidding." "Help my son out of this jam and I'll join the church choir." "Answer my prayers and I will dedicate my life to you and all of humanity." As soon as I was delivered and the heat is off, the prayers slow down to a trickle and my relationship with "Him" goes from confidante to acquaintance.
When the mortgage and bills are paid and all is well, I slip into spiritual cruise control and move from leaning on God, back to leaning on my own understanding. It is when I try to go it alone that things start falling apart in the first place. I go from dedicating all of my life to the will of God, to just filling him in on what's on my life schedule. My insistence on running the show is what gets me into the pickle in the first place! When I go it alone I begin to slowly self destruct.
The true test of faith is when things are good, not bad. When I am on fire I turn to my faith like a spiritual fire extinguisher. As soon as the flames are out I set the extinguisher to the side waiting for the next flare up. True faith is continuous and consistent. When I put my spiritual health at the front of the line in my life, good things happen. All the other relationships in my life bloom and thrive. When I try to run the show things start to go wrong.
A healthy life and faith are like beautiful flowers. It needs water, food, weeding and constant attention. As soon as we feed it less, water it on occasion and settle for the state it is in, it begins to die. I am human and will make lots of mistakes. A mentor to C.S. Lewis made the statement that "man can fail miserably with God, or succeed more miserably without him." These are wise words that I can't let myself ever forget. I need to give thanks for every day, good or bad. My attention to my marriage, children, family and friends need to be tended to at all times. If I begin to lose sight of my blessings all of the beautiful things I have been given will slowly start to die, just like that beautiful flower.
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