Every Day Is A Gift. I can see that more clearly now. The immeasurable fury of nature is awesome at the least. I think it's God's way of letting us know he may let us run the show sometimes, but he is the director. I do not say that lightly. We can put a camera on Mars, but we can't accurately predict the weather. Sometimes we are humbled by God's grace, other times humbled by his power.
For my brief political fact one of the first things that the GOP controlled Senate slashed from the budget was NOAH and the Tsunami early detection system funding. California, Alaska, Hawaii, Florida and the whole East and West coast take heed. Cutting spending in areas that could cost thousands of lives and billions in treasure is backwards thinking. The early warning system in Japan gave the population 30 minutes to reach higher ground. Thousands of lives were undoubtedly saved from the Noah warnings.
The devastation that continues to rock Japan, and the world, is a quick way in and out of the pity pot. My last few chapters have been dark and sad, yet starkly real. The challenges we are going through with our daughter's recovery is day to day. My Lab Cooter's health is day to day. My job search is day to day. Our economic health is on life support but we are alive. Every day is a gift. I see it more clearly daily.
Sometimes as humans we tend to focus on the things we don't have instead of rejoicing for the things we do. I know I do. Once my snowflake of self-pity starts rolling it can become a massive ball of icy chaos before I can say Frosty the Snowman. I don't know if everyone does it, but I can't be happy in my discontentment when there is one thing that is out of whack in my world. I tend to start searching for more of what's wrong in my life so I can have a big fat, sour life sucker to pout with.
My wife can make a simple correction or "suggestion" to me about how I am putting the plates in the dishwasher the wrong way and I'm off to the races. Suddenly I'm catapulted into a complete reevaluation of my life. Is our marriage failing? Should I move to Nassau? She probably has someone else! I'm joining the Peace Corp! I can go from not putting the coffee cups on the right rack to eating wolverines in the jungles of Nicaragua in the span of about 2 minutes!
If I don't catch the ice mass when it is still a snow ball I'm in for a very long day with myself. As if taking cues from my wife's remarks, the whole world seems to turn their focus on giving me a turd sandwich to munch on for the rest of the day. Drivers cut me off. I get flipped off for unknown reasons. It starts to pour as I open my car door. My coffee spills down my shirt on the last sip. It is like a universal conspiracy has been set in motion to insure my day goes horribly!
I know very little, but some things I know for sure. If I think that God takes time out of his day to mess with me it's time to reassess my size in the universe. I also know that people, places and things don't make us happy. We allow them to make us happy or sad, angry or indifferent. Feelings are an inside job. There have been times when my wife has called me a "big baby" and I laugh at her amusing observation. Yet other times when she has called me a "big baby" I have puckered my lip and said I AM NOT A BABY! YOU ARE TIMES INFINITY!
The key to healthy, right thinking is in my approach. I start my day by saying to myself "God, please get into my head before I do." That usually starts things out on a good note. If I roll out of bed and say it's gonna be "one of those days," it will be. If I find that my day is not going the way I want it to, I can stop, regroup, check what is really bothering me and start all over again. The choice is mine. When my day is filled with more thank you's than pleases I know I'm on the right track.
Showing posts with label healthy thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healthy thinking. Show all posts
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Forgiveness is Easy! I Just Can't Forgive Myself! (STILL)
As part of my recovery as an alcoholic and addict, I've had to take a hard, honest look at the repercussions of my years of chemical abuse and take responsibility for the damage I have caused in my life and to those around me. Then, make reparations to those wronged.This honest review of where we hurt others is vital to recovery and is a bitter pill to swallow. No pun intended. The total domination of mind, body and soul that is demanded by addiction is centered in the self. Addiction survives through its ability to manipulate the self into serving only the needs of master addiction.
Addiction makes the user "self-ish." Although in the traditional definition we think of it as not sharing it is not the selfish I am referring to. Alcoholism and addiction creates a cycle where the abuser is in the middle of a high or drunk, planning the next high or recovering from the last one. Some of the "self" terms associated with addiction are self-centeredness, self-denial, self-justification, self-seeking, self-loathing and ultimately self destruction.
It doesn't mean we don't love or think of others. It means that our addiction is an unrelenting tyrant that only allows us to think of others if it fits into our cycle of using. Feeding the addiction comes first. Period. After that we can be a part of a family, friendship or any relationship. But as a normal person sits at a birthday party adoring the children at play, the addict is obsessing about the high they are on or the one they are looking forward to. Addiction creates a parallel universe of thought that runs along the side of reality.
In order to meet the demands our selfish tormenting master places on us, we lie, steal, manipulate, lash out, blame and create chaos for those around us. What appears to be, and what is completely irrational behavior to a healthy minded person is normalcy to an addict. Addiction has its own set of moral code and behaviors to allow the addict to continue doing what they know in their soul is wrong. It is when we reach the end of the rope, and are willing to admit to defeat and surrender, that the healing begins.
If you are an addict, or newly in recovery the repairing of our past is not to be done alone. There are a few foundational principles to stabilize the base of our recovery before we set about making sense of the past. We have spent years avoiding responsibility and reality. Once sober, reality rushes in like water in a sinking boat and we are bombarded with emotions and feelings that we don't know how to process straight. These are not "I'm sorries" or "I promises." We have said those things hundreds of times. We have promised our love ones "never again" and come home ripped. When we make those cock sure pledges at breakfast we mean it. Then the obsession and slow drone of reasons to use for the day begin to chip away at us. We may give in on number 5 or 75. We get wasted then are genuinely perplexed at how we broke the promise we made over coffee and donuts just hours before.
I have made most of my reparations to those I have hurt through my behaviors while trapped in addiction. Some have forgiven me, some have dismissed me and others have told me to stick it where the sun don't shine. All three are acceptable. The important thing is taking responsibility for my actions and experiencing the emotions of the confessional cleansing of our wounds and of the wounded. Some may become more responsive when they see we are sober, others may never forgive us because the damage was too deep. Some we will make reperations to for the rest of our sober lives. Some we avoid because it would be wrong to disrupt their lives with such damage. In those cases we try to make good in another area by proxy.
It is always important to remember that as addicts we want the world to judge us by our intentions. That is one of the delusions of addiction. The world judges us by our actions! In recovery our actions become positive and as we begin living right, those around us take note. In essence as we grow healthier, our loved ones grow healthier too. This is not in all cases. Some damage is beyond repair. The important thing is that we face that person and take ownership in our role in the relationship.
For the most part my experiences in making reparations has been pretty satisfying. For every person I have faced and confessed my wrongs to, some of the burden of the past is lifted from me and them. It is vital to remember that these repairs are not to be made if they cause further pain or injury to the person involved. It is not fair to heap new wounds upon those we have wronged in the past to achieve our own peace of mind. The one person whom I have had the hardest time making peace with is me.
Some of the other "self" emotions we experience are self-hate, self-criticism, self-loathing, low self-esteem and self-punishment. These are some of the emotions that fueled our addiction when using. I used for 28 years because I hated myself. I didn't know who I was and addiction made me unable to form and nurture healthy relationships. Once the anesthetic had been removed I was left with all of those feelings. Recovery is about lightening the burden of being who we were and are.
The ultimate goal is to make peace with the world and ourselves. When this peace starts to fill up our hearts, the urge to escape and use begins to disappear. The ultimate goal is to learn to love ourselves. It is hard to truly love another when we dislike ourselves so much. This is a problem I often struggle with. I have asked forgiveness from others and forgiven those who have harmed me. That is with the exception of one person. That person is me.
That is where recovery groups are vital to contented sobriety. On the outside I appear very confident, some would say cocky. I don't disagree with either assessment. I use a strong personality on the outside to mask the fear and inferiority complex that is the real me. I act like I'm together while inside I often feel like I am falling apart. Recovery groups give me hope and they love and care about me unconditionally. That is the beauty of recovery. We love each other until we love ourselves.
I don't wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say to my self, "Tom, I love you!" I hope to get to that point someday. I am however, comfortable in my own skin now. The 28 years of negative thinking I endured is going to take some time to eliminate. I can say with a grateful heart that recovery has brought me to a place where I am comfortable hanging with me. By helping others in recovery I know I am doing something good and that makes me feel good. Although I don't gaze in the mirror and smile at the cool cat looking back at me, at least I can look in the mirror and see a changing man.
There was a time when I would look in the mirror one time a day. That was usually to see how horrible I looked from the previous night's drunk or high. I used to avoid eye contact with people or look at the ground while I was in a crowd. All of that is gone now. I can look in a mirror and see that I'm growing. I am learning to like myself. Love may or may not come. I can walk down the street with my head held high and look any man straight in the eye. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to fix a completely shattered soul.
As long as I stay connected to recovery, recovery groups and keep my faith in God's strength and guidance, I will continue to grow. If I go back to listening to my own crazy thinking I will end up right back where I started which is miserable, drunk and hopeless. I have a choice not to get high or drunk today. That is by the grace of God and recovery groups. It wasn't very long ago that I had no choice as to whether I would use or not. I was a slave. Today I have a choice but for the grace of God! He has forgiven me. I know it's only a matter of time before I forgive me too in God's time...
Addiction makes the user "self-ish." Although in the traditional definition we think of it as not sharing it is not the selfish I am referring to. Alcoholism and addiction creates a cycle where the abuser is in the middle of a high or drunk, planning the next high or recovering from the last one. Some of the "self" terms associated with addiction are self-centeredness, self-denial, self-justification, self-seeking, self-loathing and ultimately self destruction.
It doesn't mean we don't love or think of others. It means that our addiction is an unrelenting tyrant that only allows us to think of others if it fits into our cycle of using. Feeding the addiction comes first. Period. After that we can be a part of a family, friendship or any relationship. But as a normal person sits at a birthday party adoring the children at play, the addict is obsessing about the high they are on or the one they are looking forward to. Addiction creates a parallel universe of thought that runs along the side of reality.
In order to meet the demands our selfish tormenting master places on us, we lie, steal, manipulate, lash out, blame and create chaos for those around us. What appears to be, and what is completely irrational behavior to a healthy minded person is normalcy to an addict. Addiction has its own set of moral code and behaviors to allow the addict to continue doing what they know in their soul is wrong. It is when we reach the end of the rope, and are willing to admit to defeat and surrender, that the healing begins.
If you are an addict, or newly in recovery the repairing of our past is not to be done alone. There are a few foundational principles to stabilize the base of our recovery before we set about making sense of the past. We have spent years avoiding responsibility and reality. Once sober, reality rushes in like water in a sinking boat and we are bombarded with emotions and feelings that we don't know how to process straight. These are not "I'm sorries" or "I promises." We have said those things hundreds of times. We have promised our love ones "never again" and come home ripped. When we make those cock sure pledges at breakfast we mean it. Then the obsession and slow drone of reasons to use for the day begin to chip away at us. We may give in on number 5 or 75. We get wasted then are genuinely perplexed at how we broke the promise we made over coffee and donuts just hours before.
I have made most of my reparations to those I have hurt through my behaviors while trapped in addiction. Some have forgiven me, some have dismissed me and others have told me to stick it where the sun don't shine. All three are acceptable. The important thing is taking responsibility for my actions and experiencing the emotions of the confessional cleansing of our wounds and of the wounded. Some may become more responsive when they see we are sober, others may never forgive us because the damage was too deep. Some we will make reperations to for the rest of our sober lives. Some we avoid because it would be wrong to disrupt their lives with such damage. In those cases we try to make good in another area by proxy.
It is always important to remember that as addicts we want the world to judge us by our intentions. That is one of the delusions of addiction. The world judges us by our actions! In recovery our actions become positive and as we begin living right, those around us take note. In essence as we grow healthier, our loved ones grow healthier too. This is not in all cases. Some damage is beyond repair. The important thing is that we face that person and take ownership in our role in the relationship.
For the most part my experiences in making reparations has been pretty satisfying. For every person I have faced and confessed my wrongs to, some of the burden of the past is lifted from me and them. It is vital to remember that these repairs are not to be made if they cause further pain or injury to the person involved. It is not fair to heap new wounds upon those we have wronged in the past to achieve our own peace of mind. The one person whom I have had the hardest time making peace with is me.
Some of the other "self" emotions we experience are self-hate, self-criticism, self-loathing, low self-esteem and self-punishment. These are some of the emotions that fueled our addiction when using. I used for 28 years because I hated myself. I didn't know who I was and addiction made me unable to form and nurture healthy relationships. Once the anesthetic had been removed I was left with all of those feelings. Recovery is about lightening the burden of being who we were and are.
The ultimate goal is to make peace with the world and ourselves. When this peace starts to fill up our hearts, the urge to escape and use begins to disappear. The ultimate goal is to learn to love ourselves. It is hard to truly love another when we dislike ourselves so much. This is a problem I often struggle with. I have asked forgiveness from others and forgiven those who have harmed me. That is with the exception of one person. That person is me.
That is where recovery groups are vital to contented sobriety. On the outside I appear very confident, some would say cocky. I don't disagree with either assessment. I use a strong personality on the outside to mask the fear and inferiority complex that is the real me. I act like I'm together while inside I often feel like I am falling apart. Recovery groups give me hope and they love and care about me unconditionally. That is the beauty of recovery. We love each other until we love ourselves.
I don't wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say to my self, "Tom, I love you!" I hope to get to that point someday. I am however, comfortable in my own skin now. The 28 years of negative thinking I endured is going to take some time to eliminate. I can say with a grateful heart that recovery has brought me to a place where I am comfortable hanging with me. By helping others in recovery I know I am doing something good and that makes me feel good. Although I don't gaze in the mirror and smile at the cool cat looking back at me, at least I can look in the mirror and see a changing man.
There was a time when I would look in the mirror one time a day. That was usually to see how horrible I looked from the previous night's drunk or high. I used to avoid eye contact with people or look at the ground while I was in a crowd. All of that is gone now. I can look in a mirror and see that I'm growing. I am learning to like myself. Love may or may not come. I can walk down the street with my head held high and look any man straight in the eye. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to fix a completely shattered soul.
As long as I stay connected to recovery, recovery groups and keep my faith in God's strength and guidance, I will continue to grow. If I go back to listening to my own crazy thinking I will end up right back where I started which is miserable, drunk and hopeless. I have a choice not to get high or drunk today. That is by the grace of God and recovery groups. It wasn't very long ago that I had no choice as to whether I would use or not. I was a slave. Today I have a choice but for the grace of God! He has forgiven me. I know it's only a matter of time before I forgive me too in God's time...
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Knock, Knock...Who's There?.......NOBODY!
The title of this chapter is a reference to what a lot of alcoholics and addicts face. This includes their loved ones and also those who don't have addiction issues in their family at all. As an addict the demons and conflicts that we fight center in our minds. One of the most common behaviors of addicts is isolation and emotional unavailability. It was certainly one of my most prevalent behaviors when using and maybe before I ever picked up.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.
Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.
The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.
This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.
Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!
When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.
Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!
My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.
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