Knock, Knock...Who's There?.......NOBODY!

The title of this chapter is a reference to what a lot of alcoholics and addicts face. This includes their loved ones and also those who don't have addiction issues in their family at all. As an addict the demons and conflicts that we fight center in our minds. One of the most common behaviors of addicts is isolation and emotional unavailability. It was certainly one of my most prevalent behaviors when using and maybe before I ever picked up.

Addiction convinces you that it is your one true ally. It is Stockholm Syndrome without another person being involved. My disease convinced me that it was my only friend and was the only one that understood me. ALL addicts think they are different, that their problems are the worst a human has ever experienced. In recovery we call it "terminal uniqueness." That is a mouthful and right on the money.

Addiction twists your mind into isolating from others so that their concerns, logic and emotional needs don't interfere with our using. Addiction demands our undivided attention and it is a 24 hour a day job. By keeping our attention on our need to retreat into oblivion, it maintains its grip on our use and feelings of "being different" from everyone else. It needs to keep us locked in self-loathing, remorse, isolation, regret and self-pity. We know it is trying to kill us and drive us to insanity, but we listen to it like an evil Pied Piper.

The isolation and emotional unavailability is brutal for the user, their loved ones and friends. The addiction makes us distance ourselves from all healthy thinking so that we think "the whole world is against us." This helps us justify and rationalize behavior that we know deep down is wrong. It also creates negative emotions and chides us into lashing out. Some of the addicts' standard "go to" lines are: "You don't love me!," "You don't understand!", "Don't you realize what I have been through?", "You're probably going to leave me anyway!", "I'm not hurting anyone but me!", "Why don't you just leave me? You know I'm a loser!", "I have it under control don't worry." "Why are you always nagging?", "If you weren't on my case all the time I wouldn't have to drink!" I have said every one of these things to Squeaky and many more than this. The list is endless.

This doesn't mean we are heartless or don't love you. It is more because a few drunks and runs are done as reactions to happy, healthy situations in our lives. Even the parties that started out happy ended in darkness. The addiction feeds on negativity and reduces the addict to a feeling of uselessness, unworthiness and brutally low self-esteem. On the outside most people would say I am cocky. It's true to a point, but I used my artificial confidence so that you couldn't see the trembling, meek, fear gripped child I was inside. All addicts are chameleons. Our addiction is our puppeteer.

Our unavailability takes it's toll on all around us. It is one of my shortcomings when using and still can find it's way into my sobriety if I don't keep my eye on it. To you, the loved ones, it is not personal. It is not your fault we use. We may take one of your statements or actions as our justification to use. I can assure you that if those said actions weren't available, we would find other reasons to justify our insanity. We use because we are addicts. We are sick! We are not evil or weak! We are sick! We are not morally corrupt but our actions "under the influence" may cause us to do things inconceivable in a sober state of mind. However, addicts aren't looked upon the same way a cancer sufferer or diabetic. We are looked on as being weak, selfish, bad people. Not true!

When I drank or used I left my wife and family feeling guilty, responsible, vulnerable and fearful of the uncertainty of my actions when wasted. I then became the hostage taker, as everyone walked on egg shells, carefully choosing their words, as to not set me off. My disease consumed me and paralyzed everyone in my house. My kids were afraid to come to me and my wife had no best friend to share her feelings with. It was all me, all the time.

Things are different now. The more sober I get, the more emotionally available I have become. When the addict goes into recovery and begins to heal, everyone around him gets healthier too. It takes time and there are flashbacks to the "old me", even in sobriety. The addict will always be in me waiting patiently for a chance to get out. I have to replace healthy responses for what once was unhealthy reactions to life. If I dwell in dark thoughts, the desire to use will come back stronger than ever. Everyone in my house is healthier since I've gotten sober. Imagine that!

My children can come to me now in confidence not fear. My wife can rattle on about her day and I can take a genuine role as her husband and best friend. It takes a whole family to recover after active addiction is arrested. Remember it isn't you who made us what we are. The disease chose me and I have to address it like Diabetes. Prayer, recovery groups and positive thinking take me farther and farther from the tyrant that ruled me for so long. Keep the faith. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family. Not all addiction stories have happy endings. But life goes on. Remember every day is a gift.