No Ones Dying Words are..." I wish I Hade Made Another Hundred Bucks!"

I commented earlier on my middle daughter Sunny and the regiment of tests she is going through. Today she had a needle biopsy on her lung. The needle was long enough to take a throat culture starting from the arse of a giraffe. She was a champion. My kids are tough. I take little credit for that. Their mom and father started when they were wee little. I came in when they were youngins'. The test was terribly painful and they promised they would put her in "twilight" so she wouldn't feel a thing. I think they meant that they were going to show her the film "Twilight" to distract her while they jammed the spear-like needle into her side because she felt everything, and hates that movie.

Having had the opportunity to work in film, TV and comedy has been and continues to be a growing passion for me. In my chosen line of work I have some control over what situations I am going to put myself into. In comedy I write my own material and once the crowd begins to laugh, I have control over the room. In TV, commercial and film work, I have the decision on which projects I get involved with or audition for. I can say yes or no to my agent or casting director if it seems right for me or not.

That control is comforting and empowering because I have input on both the actions I create and the outcomes of the performances. There is satisfaction and contentment with my work when I have told a joke or done a scene well and the audience laughs or applauds my efforts. However, when it comes to life, I have control over my actions but little or no influence on the outcomes.

I would do anything to have switched places with her and took the needle for her today but couldn't! I would trade my health for what is ailing her in a heartbeat but I can't! I can scream at God for justice and mercy, but how he will act on those cries and prayers are in his hands. For me, having so much love for my kids, who are darn near adults, is glorious and paralyzing at the same time.

When they were little and got sick in the night they would wake me up because Mama sleeps like a rock. Back in those days I would give them some medicine or clean up some puke, slap on a band-aid and all would be well. After a few minutes of Scooby Doo or Space Jam they were fast asleep and I was in for an exhausting but satisfying next day. That was cool because they had a problem, I could fix it and all was well.

Now that they are older I still think of them as the wee buggers they used to be, just in bigger packages and with more sarcastic answers. They don't come to wake me up when they are sick these days. They can find the cough medicine or aspirin and take care of the problem themselves. I used to think they talked too much but now I wish they talked more. The older they get the less control I have over them and the outcomes of their actions. It frustrates me but I know I have to accept it. Worry is not a God given instinct. It is created by the minds of men. My worry and anxiety will not add a minute to a life or change the result of a medical test.

I speak of not remembering the nineties and a lot of the last 20 years because of my booze and drug addiction. You may not have those same issues but where do you stand with the little nippers or big nippers? Has a boat, a job, a hobby, a car, a motorcycle, jogging or some other thing or activity become your addiction? Do you love that boat or Jet Ski with all your heart, all the while telling yourself it's the kids who love it? Do you work to live or live to work? Is who you are outside of your front door more important to you than who you are inside your own home? Is keeping up with the Jones more important than keeping up with your kids, spouse or family?

If you answered yes to any of these questions take a hard look at yourself. There are no "do overs," like when we played kickball in the park. The years I lost to the bottle and pill are gone. I can be there for my daughter through whatever she has to face down the road. I can't control the outcomes but I can control my actions and relationship with her in her hour of need or just every day living.

The great thing about recovery is second chances at life. A boat, car, job, or hobby can be as obsessive and destructive of a drug to you as booze was to me. If it begins to take priority over your relationships, hit the pause and rewind button. You can start over any day you like. That's the beauty of living. Things can be taken from you on any day as well. That is the reality of life. Remember: no one lies on their death bed and says "I wish I had another hundred bucks!"