I Need To Check My Pulse!

There is a dual existence in the life of an addict when using. On the outside the user is trying to act normal and go through the motions of being stable. Inside - self hate and chaos. Simultaneously there is pain and misunderstanding behind closed doors. I was high and thinking of only me and my next high, or reliving the last one and planning my next score. For my wife there was the insecurity of each day I presented. I was not dependable and thought of my feelings first and then considered hers. She was the clean-up crew trying to keep the ship afloat that was our life. The pressure must have been enormous, putting on her game face to the world and acting like everything was just peachy. Her feelings were always dismissed with a, "Don't worry about it" from me. I could quit anytime I wanted to, just not today.

This is the part of my story that revolves around the functional addict and alcoholic. Yes I was homeless for a year and had a stretch that was the stereotypical picture of an addict. There were, however, many more years where I was able to hide my demons. I held jobs, graduated college, built a house and raised a family. There were many good days. Every day in the life of addiction isn't a page out of a Hallmark movie. Nor are they dark screaming black holes of unhappiness. There is just a perpetuation of repeated use and robotic existence, not truly living life connected to others and growing in maturity and spirituality.

My hat goes off to all the other Squeakys out there keeping things together while their loved one is slowly killing themselves. I never thought about how horrible it must have been for my wife listening at night to hear if I was still breathing or the endless promises of change and "I'm sorries." She has promised to share later her point of view. I welcome that. When families look at another where addiction is prevalent the focus is usually on the user. The pain and confusion of wives, husbands, children and friends gets overlooked. They suffer just as much or more as they see their best friend or child self-destruct right in front of their eyes. They develop neuroses of their own and are afraid to look for help in fear of exposing their true existence and shattering the perceptions of bliss.

My life is wonderful now, for the most part. I have not been given a pardon from the pain and difficulties of daily existence. The fact that I have been through hell doesn't mean that I don't have hellish days today. I just don't use over them. I participate in my recovery everyday. Life is life and the sun shines and rain falls on the good and the evil.

Today I am going to a commercial audition where I am cast as an "angry guy." I crack up at that. My rolls have been thugs, crooked politicians, angry neighbors, Mob associates and other dark characters. I know I won't be cast as a warm and fuzzy Dr. Huxtable type, Dr. Lecter more likely. I am grateful for all the opportunities. Those are characters I can relate to. I have also begun working in prisons doing comedy and will be joining recovery meetings behind bars soon. I am scheduled to speak about my addictions at a southern Illinois high school and middle school in April.

I have regrets from my past but here is no self-pity here. Those experiences made me what I am today. I am a decent man and know it is my duty to share the hope and strength I have been granted with others. Let me know what you think. God Bless you all. Never give up hope. Never forget that Every Day Is A Gift.