Forgiveness is Easy! I Just Can't Forgive Myself! (STILL)

As part of my recovery as an alcoholic and addict, I've had to take a hard, honest look at the repercussions of my years of chemical abuse and take responsibility for the damage I have caused in my life and to those around me. Then, make reparations to those wronged.This honest review of where we hurt others is vital to recovery and is a bitter pill to swallow. No pun intended. The total domination of mind, body and soul that is demanded by addiction is centered in the self. Addiction survives through its ability to manipulate the self into serving only the needs of master addiction.

Addiction makes the user "self-ish." Although in the traditional definition we think of it as not sharing it is not the selfish I am referring to. Alcoholism and addiction creates a cycle where the abuser is in the middle of a high or drunk, planning the next high or recovering from the last one. Some of the "self" terms associated with addiction are self-centeredness, self-denial, self-justification, self-seeking, self-loathing and ultimately self destruction.

It doesn't mean we don't love or think of others. It means that our addiction is an unrelenting tyrant that only allows us to think of others if it fits into our cycle of using. Feeding the addiction comes first. Period. After that we can be a part of a family, friendship or any relationship. But as a normal person sits at a birthday party adoring the children at play, the addict is obsessing about the high they are on or the one they are looking forward to. Addiction creates a parallel universe of thought that runs along the side of reality.

In order to meet the demands our selfish tormenting master places on us, we lie, steal, manipulate, lash out, blame and create chaos for those around us. What appears to be, and what  is completely irrational behavior to a healthy minded person is normalcy to an addict. Addiction has its own set of moral code and behaviors to allow the addict to continue doing what they know in their soul is wrong. It is when we reach the end of the rope, and are willing to admit to defeat and surrender, that the healing begins.

If you are an addict, or newly in recovery the repairing of our past is not to be done alone. There are a few foundational principles to stabilize the base of our recovery before we set about making sense of the past. We have spent years avoiding responsibility and reality. Once sober, reality rushes in like water in a sinking boat and we are bombarded with emotions and feelings that we don't know how to process straight. These are not "I'm sorries" or "I promises." We have said those things hundreds of times. We have promised our love ones "never again" and come home ripped. When we make those cock sure pledges at breakfast we mean it. Then the obsession and slow drone of reasons to use for the day begin to chip away at us. We may give in on number 5 or 75. We get wasted then are  genuinely perplexed at how we broke the promise we made over coffee and donuts just hours before.
I have made most of my reparations to those I have hurt through my behaviors while trapped in addiction. Some have forgiven me, some have dismissed me and others have told me to stick it where the sun don't shine. All three are acceptable. The important thing is taking responsibility for my actions and experiencing the emotions of the confessional cleansing of our wounds and of the wounded. Some may become more responsive when they see we are sober, others may never forgive us because the damage was too deep. Some we will make reperations to for the rest of our sober lives. Some we avoid because it would be wrong to disrupt their lives with such damage. In those cases we try to make good in another area by proxy.

It is always important to remember that as addicts we want the world to judge us by our intentions. That is one of the delusions of addiction. The world judges us by our actions! In recovery our actions become positive and as we begin living right, those around us take note. In essence as we grow healthier, our loved ones grow healthier too. This is not in all cases. Some damage is beyond repair. The important thing is that we face that person and take ownership in our role in the relationship.

For the most part my experiences in making reparations has been pretty satisfying. For every person I have faced and confessed my wrongs to, some of the burden of the past is lifted from me and them. It is vital to remember that these repairs are not to be made if they cause further pain or injury to the person involved. It is not fair to heap new wounds upon those we have wronged in the past to achieve our own peace of mind. The one person whom I have had the hardest time making peace with is me.

Some of the other "self" emotions we experience are self-hate, self-criticism, self-loathing, low self-esteem and self-punishment. These are some of the emotions that fueled our addiction when using. I used for 28 years because I hated myself. I didn't know who I was and addiction made me unable to form and nurture healthy relationships. Once the anesthetic had been removed I was left with all of those feelings. Recovery is about lightening the burden of being who we were and are.

The ultimate goal is to make peace with the world and ourselves. When this peace starts to fill up our hearts, the urge to escape and use begins to disappear. The ultimate goal is to learn to love ourselves. It is hard to truly love another when we dislike ourselves so much. This is a problem I often struggle with. I have asked forgiveness from others and forgiven those who have harmed me. That is with the exception of one person. That person is me.

That is where recovery groups are vital to contented sobriety. On the outside I appear very confident, some would say cocky. I don't disagree with either assessment. I use a strong personality on the outside to mask the fear and inferiority complex that is the real me. I act like I'm together while inside I often feel like I am falling apart. Recovery groups give me hope and they love and care about me unconditionally. That is the beauty of recovery. We love each other until we love ourselves.

I don't wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say to my self, "Tom, I love you!" I hope to get to that point someday. I am however, comfortable in my own skin now. The 28 years of negative thinking I endured is going to take some time to eliminate. I can say with a grateful heart that recovery has brought me to a place where I am comfortable hanging with me. By helping others in recovery I know I am doing something good and that makes me feel good. Although I don't gaze in the mirror and smile at the cool cat looking back at me, at least I can look in the mirror and see a changing man.

There was a time when I would look in the mirror one time a day. That was usually to see how horrible I looked from the previous night's drunk or high. I used to avoid eye contact with people or look at the ground while I was in a crowd. All of that is gone now. I can look in a mirror and see that I'm growing. I am learning to like myself. Love may or may not come. I can walk down the street with my head held high and look any man straight in the eye. Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time to fix a completely shattered soul.

As long as I stay connected to recovery, recovery groups and keep my faith in God's strength and guidance, I will continue to grow. If I go back to listening to my own crazy thinking I will end up right back where I started which is miserable, drunk and hopeless. I have a choice not to get high or drunk today. That is by the grace of God and recovery groups. It wasn't very long ago that I had no choice as to whether I would use or not. I was a slave. Today I have a choice but for the grace of God! He has forgiven me. I know it's only a matter of time before I forgive me too in God's time...