I write all of my chapters in one sitting. They all flow from me in one stream of consciousness. I like it that way because then I don't think my way through the writing like I am writing an article for a magazine. It is a journal entry. It is as if I am talking instead of writing.
This can be a good thing because it keeps it real. It can be a bad thing because the entries are often filled with grammatical and spelling errors. They also aren't edited thoughts. I haven't considered my thoughts carefully before I put them down on paper and into the blogosphere. I don't think I will change my way of writing but a little time between entries gives me time to reflect on what I have spilled out on to the page.
In recovery it is said that my over all well being is based upon my spiritual health. That is, how connected I am with my GOD. I have to admit I haven't been as close to him as I am normally as of late. I also know that I need to look at my own behavior, attitudes and actions in relationships. It is not my job to point out the faults of others. In my last blog God was very clearly missing and my passing judgement on others was in full swing. It was driving the wrong way on a one way street.
That tells me that I need to take a step back and look at what is really going on with ME. I have just quit smoking. My wife just quit smoking. My son is becoming a man and in teen rebellion. These contributing factors are bound to have an impact on moods, emotions and reactions to situations. There is also medical conditions, book deadlines, financial pressures and a 46th birthday tomorrow that are playing on my mind. I also suffer from depression, alcoholism, addiction and all "ics" and "isms" that are faced in recovery.
By my sputtering off yesterday like Chicken little that the sky was falling I was living in the problem not in the solution. I know better than that. I have learned a new plan for living my life and dealing with it as it is dealt to me. My rant certainly was filled with some points that the family will address in time. There is nothing that is cataclysmic or doomsday like looming overhead. My knee jerk EMOTIONAL outbreak was that of a DRY drunk. I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted to take my ball and go home because the other kids weren't playing the way I wanted them to.
I am human. I have learned a lot about my areas of weakness since I have been in recovery. I can be snarky and sarcastic. I can be an egomaniac with low self esteem. I can be a pouty child. I can also be a strong leader, a supportive husband and a pretty good step or regular father and friend. I have gotten over the need to be right all the time. I am grateful for that. I am willing to listen and learn and grow and shut up. These things I have had to learn with the help of others.
Everyone wants to chuck it all in every once in a while. That is life. I sincerely hope I gave no one the idea that my intention was to RUN. That is all I did for 28 years. I take the good with the bad now. This to will pass. We are in a difficult season right now but that's just it. It's a season and seasons change every few months. I will continue to grow and sometimes I will slip back into old thinking.
It was just yesterday that I was out of my mind and saw only darkness. Today I see hope and know I was thinking with my emotions not with logic and reality. The time between these revelations is getting shorter and shorter. That is how I see that I am getting different not better. I am no better than any man. I am just a man trying to live a reasonably happy life. Some days are good sometimes not so good. As long as I keep my eye on what my part is on the team and my ear to heaven everything will work out just like it's supposed to.
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