Upward and Inward is the Answer!

I write all of my chapters in one sitting. They all flow from me in one stream of consciousness. I like it that way because then I don't think my way through the writing like I am writing an article for a magazine. It is a journal entry. It is as if I am talking instead of writing.

This can be a good thing because it keeps it real. It can be a bad thing because the entries are often filled with grammatical and spelling errors. They also aren't edited thoughts. I haven't considered my thoughts carefully before I put them down on paper and into the blogosphere. I don't think I will change my way of writing but a little time between entries gives me time to reflect on what I have spilled out on to the page.

In recovery it is said that my over all well being is based upon my spiritual health. That is, how connected I am with my GOD. I have to admit I haven't been as close to him as I am normally as of late. I also know that I need to look at my own behavior, attitudes and actions in relationships. It is not my job to point out the faults of others. In my last blog God was very clearly missing and my passing judgement on others was in full swing. It was driving the wrong way on a one way street.

That tells me that I need to take a step back and look at what is really going on with ME. I have just quit smoking. My wife just quit smoking. My son is becoming a man and in teen rebellion. These contributing factors are bound to have an impact on moods, emotions and reactions to situations. There is also medical conditions, book deadlines, financial pressures and a 46th birthday tomorrow that are playing on my mind. I also suffer from depression, alcoholism, addiction and all "ics" and "isms" that are faced in recovery.

By my sputtering off yesterday like Chicken little that the sky was falling I was living in the problem not in the solution. I know better than that. I have learned a new plan for living my life and dealing with it as it is dealt to me. My rant certainly was filled with some points that the family will address in time. There is nothing that is cataclysmic or doomsday like looming overhead. My knee jerk EMOTIONAL outbreak was that of a DRY drunk. I was acting like a spoiled child who wanted to take my ball and go home because the other kids weren't playing the way I wanted them to.

I am human. I have learned a lot about my areas of weakness since I have been in recovery. I can be snarky and sarcastic. I can be an egomaniac with low self esteem. I can be a pouty child. I can also be a strong leader, a supportive husband and a pretty good step or regular father and friend. I have gotten over the need to be right all the time. I am grateful for that. I am willing to listen and learn and grow and shut up. These things I have had to learn with the help of others.

Everyone wants to chuck it all in every once in a while. That is life. I sincerely hope I gave no one the idea that my intention was to RUN. That is all I did for 28 years. I take the good with the bad now. This to will pass. We are in a difficult season right now but that's just it. It's a season and seasons change every few months. I will continue to grow and sometimes I will slip back into old thinking.

It was just yesterday that I was out of my mind and saw only darkness. Today I see hope and know I was thinking with my emotions not with logic and reality. The time between these revelations is getting shorter and shorter. That is how I see that I am getting different not better. I am no better than any man. I am just a man trying to live a reasonably happy life. Some days are good sometimes not so good. As long as I keep my eye on what my part is on the team and my ear to heaven everything will work out just like it's supposed to.

We're All Human Just Squirrels Looking for a Nut....

I am writing with a shot of melancholy. It may be my depression which can take me from feeling like heaven to a lonely hell, faster than a 2 minute commercial break. It might just be life. You never know. I am a fixer, trying to make the world happy, all 60 billion of them at once. Usually it's just the handful of people in my orbit, but I want to make everyone happy. All of my arranging and staging, planning and execution usually backfires. I may make some happy and one sad. I may make everyone happy and be the one ending up sad. It's a lot of work being a fixer.

In my world my son has girlfriend issues, my wife has work issues, my daughter has health issues and I feel the need to fix things I can't control instead of accepting life just the way it's supposed to be, until the next sunrise. I know this too shall pass when things are good or bad. It is a blip in the very blessed life that I have been given.

Being in comedy and acting is a very exciting lifestyle and I have had the opportunity to meet and work with celebrities and movie stars. I have talked with famous comedians and actors and was exhilarated by the opportunities. As my career grows there will be many more of these meetings and high profile events. I am grateful for that. I am not a movie star or famous comedian. I have been an extra in a few episodes of "The Chicago Code" and "Shameless." I was an extra in the film "Contagion" and "One Small Hitch." I have played many comedy clubs around Chicago and been featured a few times. I have starred in one commercial. There have been a few radio interviews and newspaper features based on my addiction and recovery.

That sounds so cool. It's stuff we dream about as kids and maybe even as adults. I would be a liar if I said I didn't get satisfaction out of my career and the adulation that comes with it, but I am just a guy. I have the same feelings, sadness, joy, setbacks and successes as anyone. There is no difference between me and Billy at the video store, Matt Damon or you. My job just seems more interesting to some than the video store gig.

I had to break off a Facebook friendship with a person because they thought I was something more than I am; and that is just a man. It really hurt me to break off the relationship but it was becoming unhealthy for the both of us. I have led an interesting life and have struggled through some demoralizing circumstances and made it through to the other side. The most important lesson I have learned from working in show biz is that we are all just a bunch of squirrels trying to find a nut. We are all just trying to keep it together for one more day. Some of us do it under a sink with a wrench, others on a 40 foot screen or TV.

I remember when I met BB King when I was working in radio. He is one of my blues idols. I was shaking like a leaf. I thought he had on too much cologne. When I met Iggy Pop at WXRT I was shaking like a leaf and in awe that he was shirtless and as crazy as I imagined he would be. Most of us have met a "celebrity" along the road sometime and were fascinated with their fame and glamour. Each one of them went home, had a bite to eat, brushed their teeth, took a pee and went to bed.

I hope this entry doesn't come off as smug. It is meant as the complete opposite. I am blessed to have a voice in helping people understand addiction and depression a little bit better. That is my message. I am just a messenger. I am just like a bike delivery guy but don't have the skin tight weenie pants on when I deliver my message.

My fascination with celebrity was "right sized" when I worked with Jennifer Beals on my first day on "The Chicago Code." She was professional and had a job to do. She didn't float on air and gushed at showing pictures of her child to the cast and crew. She was just a doting mother beaming at her beautiful child. It was at that moment my amazement and nervousness at working with a star went away. She was just a lovely lady showing her family pictures proud as a peacock. The celebrity life is an exciting life but we all will live and die, turn to dust and be forgotten. We all have issues to face, kids to raise, bills to pay, feelings of joy and sadness no matter what we do for a living.

I truly pray that if I ever find some level of success when I am a full time professional actor or comic, that I don't change. If I do I know you guys will slap me back down to size. I think I have a pretty good grip on it, but I'm giving you the go ahead to let me know if my melon is getting too big for the patch. To my friend I am flattered that you think of me as more than what I am. There are many more well qualified people to talk to and share your world with. You are a beautiful person.

Single mothers and fathers, parents and teachers, cops and firemen, nurses and healthcare workers, volunteers and the forgotten are heroes in my world. When I am dead and gone please remember me as a father and husband, son and brother, friend and a regular guy who tried to share hope and laughter in a dark world and help people understand the complexity of addiction and depression.....and oh yeah he was a comedian and actor too.....God Bless!