Happy Easter! I hope you spent it with your family. If not I hope you spent it happily, doing something that brings you joy. I am a Christian so the day had happiness and hope surrounding it for me. I also spent it with my kids and had a Skype call with my daughter in Germany. I saw or spoke with all the kids, with the exceptions of Kelly. I am confident, that wherever she is, her mother made her day special as well.
12 years ago today I was in rehab. It put the day in perspective for me. Easter 1999 was a family day at "SHARE" rehabilitation in Hoffman Estates. None of my family came to see me. I had lost that privilege. The lies and manipulation of my alcoholism an addiction had left me on the inside looking out and the outside looking inward. It wasn't a wasted day in my life. It was a painful one, yes, but I was growing and I know now that's exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment in my life. Why? Because it made this one possible.
The kids know everything about my past. It keeps me honest with myself and them. I hope it also provides them with insight into the pain and horrors I went through to reach the gifts of today. Squeaky made a wonderful ham and chicken dinner and we gave "Da' Schmutz," our Pekingese/Chin, a shave. She didn't care for it all that much. After we ate and were done with the grooming I reflected on where I was at this moment. I realized that what I have is beyond thousands of people's wildest dreams. By American standards I am middle class. By third world standards, I am a king!
I am grateful for what I have. I am more grateful for what I haven't been given. Starting tomorrow, "Every Day is a Gift NOW" will move to the world of talk radio. Specifically it will move to www.blogtalkradio.com/tommyconnolly
The first show will be on at 9:30-10am Central time. Click on the link and enjoy the show. The time slot is temporary. I will be taking the program to an "on demand" format almost immediately. Filming season is beginning here in Chicago and I will know in the next few days if I will be part of a new pilot. There is also the rumors of a second season of "The Chicago Code" and a few projects I have brewing. Acting and comedy is not a spectator sport. If you want to get in the game you have to be constantly looking for opportunities where players are needed.
The show will go beyond addiction and depression issues. I want to break the fourth wall and bring your stories into the show. I also want to talk about chasing your dreams and making life happen TODAY! The radio format will also open up the chance for me to bring in guests from the film, TV, radio, comedy and acting industry to share professional and personal inspiration with you guys. It's time to kick this thing up a notch!
I will continue to do this show on "Blogtalkradio." I like that the radio blog will allow for dialogue. There is nothing more refreshing and provocative than two minds or more engaged in creative problem solving. I am looking forward to the challenge.
That's all I got for now. I hope you tune in. If not, keep reading. Remember Every Day is a Gift...That's why They Call it the PRESENT. Peace and Love.
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Iran. Show all posts
Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
April 18th... Birth, Death, New Hopes and Old Fears...
Simply waking up I was glad to be alive. The two week run of "Meet My Husbands" was over and I was going to miss Grant Griswold in some strange way. Even more so, I was going to miss the incredible group of actors that taught me so much over the 6 weeks we worked on the production. We put a lot of work into the Fred Michael creation and judging by the crowd reaction, the Director's vision translated nicely through our interpretation on stage. A few of the players, I am sure, will become long time friends. Some I am hopeful to run into on other stages in other places. After the production wrapped we struck the set and I stayed for a Stage Combat Workshop offered by the guild with fellow actors Sean Nordsell and Devon Ford.
April 18th is the date of my departed grandmother's birthday. You may remember from my earlier chapters that she was like a mother to me, while my mom worked, and that she passed in my presence. Monday, April 18, 2011 was also the day that I was going to be attending the memorial service for my aunt Kay. She was my grandmother's niece. The morning was cold. The sun was out and I was exhausted and hadn't even gotten out of bed.
My feelings were drawn to what my cousin Johnny must be feeling. Aunt Kay had passed a few months earlier in hospice care, like my father. She went home with dignity and grace, surrounded by loved ones and never felt sorry for herself once. My aunt loved the color black and could give Johnny Cash a run for his money when it came to the color. From clothes to napkins, furniture to dishes, Aunt Kay had the "black market" covered. Johnny was stoic and hid behind smiles as we arrived at the memorial in Evergreen Park. I drove up there with my sister and mother. It was a nice trip, reminiscing and talking about Aunt Kay and singing theme songs from old shows like "The Magic Door" and "HR Puffnstuff."
My sister Chris said I was still grieving over the death of my father. I was confused. She pointed out that I was frequently posting pictures of him at Bear games and uploading "deep" songs from YouTube. I shrugged it off, but didn't disagree. When Johnny brought in the urn and photo of his mom and dad it all came rushing back to me. I was right back to my dad's service and standing in Johnny's shoes. I felt my heart race and my skin get clammy. Tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to burst out of the chapel and run, to where I don't know. The service was beautiful. Family and friends told stories about Aunt Kay and we laughed and cried. I saw her smiling in heaven and chuckling a bit. She always snorted at the end of her laugh. It was priceless.
We returned to Aunt Kay's and Johnny's place for the post memorial party and everyone began to eat, drink and be merry. I ate and decided that as emotionally fragile as I was feeling, I had better go or I might decide to have "just one." If I took a drink there would definitely be more, that I was certain of. I said my goodbyes, hugged Johnny and began the journey back to Plainfield. A nap was sure to relax me and get me back on a level plane.
My phone rang. It was a Chicago number. I had been waiting for a call to do a film being shot this weekend called "Lo Stronzo" and was certain that was who was calling. I pulled the car over and called back the number. To my surprise and amazement it wasn't a call for "Lo Stronzo" but a "rush" call for a new TV series being shot in the city. They wanted me in the city immediately to audition. The day was getting crazier by the second. I flew home, changed clothes, prepaid for gas, forgot to put the gas in and made it up to the city for the audition. I think it went well. I did my best. I met a lovely group of people and the rest is up to casting and directors.
Inching my way through rush hour traffic I couldn't help but think of what a bizarre day it was. I was glad it was coming to an end. I arrived home to 3 pee filled psychotic dogs. As I checked my emails I saw that I had gotten the role in "Lo Stronzo." Being unemployed, a callback from the TV series would have made the day perfect but God had a different curve ball to toss at me that night. My happiness at landing the film was replaced by fear, anger, sadness and helplessness.
My son was making lots of calls on his cell and was angry. I stopped him and made him sit and talk with me. Sunny, my middle daughter, who was just coming up on 6 weeks of clean times was with some
"friends" that weren't a great influence on her. My first instinct was to go grab my Louisville Slugger and try some "Walking Tall" justice on these guys, but that only works in the movies. I told my son to cool down and wait for Mom to get home. We would go get her together. I was talking like a big boy. Wow, what a concept.
Of course I played the conversations over and over in my head. The "why?" and "how could you's?" flew through me. I knew why; because she has a problem. Yelling wasn't going to make it better or go away. It was going to make her shut down or run. I've been there and I've done that. We picked her up and took her home. We talked about her withdrawing from recovery meetings and people in recovery and that she was setting herself up for that day long before it got there. I gave her my infamous "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future speech." This time she understood. I didn't rush her to rehab and scream at the moon. Yes, there are some consequences and rules she must now follow by our demand, not suggestion. When a duck acts like a duck I have learned not to be surprised. We set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations when we expect the duck to become a swan, especially in such a short time.
That night, as I lay in bed, I truly felt as if I had spent an entire lifetime that day. There was birth, death and reliving the loss of my father in July and my aunt in December. There was the hope and excitement of a film landed and a possible long term job on a TV series. I felt the temptation and urge of taking the first drink after the memorial service and saw my daughter slip into a temporary set back. It was one heck of a day and I made it through sober.
No where in the bible or spiritual book does it promise that life is going to be easy. It doesn't promise that we will always get what we want or that people will do as we wish. It says nothing about our hearts not being broken a thousand times. They all lived happily ever after is for fairy tales. These books do say though that we can make it through life reasonably sane and happy on faith and love and that we are not alone. That is the key. We have each other to laugh, cry, fight and love with. I am truly grateful that I am not alone any more. God Bless....
April 18th is the date of my departed grandmother's birthday. You may remember from my earlier chapters that she was like a mother to me, while my mom worked, and that she passed in my presence. Monday, April 18, 2011 was also the day that I was going to be attending the memorial service for my aunt Kay. She was my grandmother's niece. The morning was cold. The sun was out and I was exhausted and hadn't even gotten out of bed.
My feelings were drawn to what my cousin Johnny must be feeling. Aunt Kay had passed a few months earlier in hospice care, like my father. She went home with dignity and grace, surrounded by loved ones and never felt sorry for herself once. My aunt loved the color black and could give Johnny Cash a run for his money when it came to the color. From clothes to napkins, furniture to dishes, Aunt Kay had the "black market" covered. Johnny was stoic and hid behind smiles as we arrived at the memorial in Evergreen Park. I drove up there with my sister and mother. It was a nice trip, reminiscing and talking about Aunt Kay and singing theme songs from old shows like "The Magic Door" and "HR Puffnstuff."
My sister Chris said I was still grieving over the death of my father. I was confused. She pointed out that I was frequently posting pictures of him at Bear games and uploading "deep" songs from YouTube. I shrugged it off, but didn't disagree. When Johnny brought in the urn and photo of his mom and dad it all came rushing back to me. I was right back to my dad's service and standing in Johnny's shoes. I felt my heart race and my skin get clammy. Tears welled up in my eyes and I wanted to burst out of the chapel and run, to where I don't know. The service was beautiful. Family and friends told stories about Aunt Kay and we laughed and cried. I saw her smiling in heaven and chuckling a bit. She always snorted at the end of her laugh. It was priceless.
We returned to Aunt Kay's and Johnny's place for the post memorial party and everyone began to eat, drink and be merry. I ate and decided that as emotionally fragile as I was feeling, I had better go or I might decide to have "just one." If I took a drink there would definitely be more, that I was certain of. I said my goodbyes, hugged Johnny and began the journey back to Plainfield. A nap was sure to relax me and get me back on a level plane.
My phone rang. It was a Chicago number. I had been waiting for a call to do a film being shot this weekend called "Lo Stronzo" and was certain that was who was calling. I pulled the car over and called back the number. To my surprise and amazement it wasn't a call for "Lo Stronzo" but a "rush" call for a new TV series being shot in the city. They wanted me in the city immediately to audition. The day was getting crazier by the second. I flew home, changed clothes, prepaid for gas, forgot to put the gas in and made it up to the city for the audition. I think it went well. I did my best. I met a lovely group of people and the rest is up to casting and directors.
Inching my way through rush hour traffic I couldn't help but think of what a bizarre day it was. I was glad it was coming to an end. I arrived home to 3 pee filled psychotic dogs. As I checked my emails I saw that I had gotten the role in "Lo Stronzo." Being unemployed, a callback from the TV series would have made the day perfect but God had a different curve ball to toss at me that night. My happiness at landing the film was replaced by fear, anger, sadness and helplessness.
My son was making lots of calls on his cell and was angry. I stopped him and made him sit and talk with me. Sunny, my middle daughter, who was just coming up on 6 weeks of clean times was with some
"friends" that weren't a great influence on her. My first instinct was to go grab my Louisville Slugger and try some "Walking Tall" justice on these guys, but that only works in the movies. I told my son to cool down and wait for Mom to get home. We would go get her together. I was talking like a big boy. Wow, what a concept.
Of course I played the conversations over and over in my head. The "why?" and "how could you's?" flew through me. I knew why; because she has a problem. Yelling wasn't going to make it better or go away. It was going to make her shut down or run. I've been there and I've done that. We picked her up and took her home. We talked about her withdrawing from recovery meetings and people in recovery and that she was setting herself up for that day long before it got there. I gave her my infamous "Show me your friends and I'll show you your future speech." This time she understood. I didn't rush her to rehab and scream at the moon. Yes, there are some consequences and rules she must now follow by our demand, not suggestion. When a duck acts like a duck I have learned not to be surprised. We set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations when we expect the duck to become a swan, especially in such a short time.
That night, as I lay in bed, I truly felt as if I had spent an entire lifetime that day. There was birth, death and reliving the loss of my father in July and my aunt in December. There was the hope and excitement of a film landed and a possible long term job on a TV series. I felt the temptation and urge of taking the first drink after the memorial service and saw my daughter slip into a temporary set back. It was one heck of a day and I made it through sober.
No where in the bible or spiritual book does it promise that life is going to be easy. It doesn't promise that we will always get what we want or that people will do as we wish. It says nothing about our hearts not being broken a thousand times. They all lived happily ever after is for fairy tales. These books do say though that we can make it through life reasonably sane and happy on faith and love and that we are not alone. That is the key. We have each other to laugh, cry, fight and love with. I am truly grateful that I am not alone any more. God Bless....
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Fear....Our Common Thread.
When I look at all the things that I have gone through with alcoholism and addiction there is one common thread I can trace it back to. That root is fear. Fear used to consume me and paralyze me at the same time. When good things happen to me, I feel like I don't deserve them. When bad things happen to me, again, I don't think I deserve them. It is a vicious circle that keeps me hesitant to move in any direction, afraid that I'll make the wrong choice. Therefore, I sit and do nothing, obsessing about what could or couldn't change my life, day or moment.
The acting and comedy success I have been blessed with so quickly is another one of those crazy cycles. I am by no means a "star" or Comedy Central feature but things may be moving in that direction. That's where my wacky, overloaded, think, think, think mind gets me into trouble. I would love to make it to the top! I also think, what if I make it to the top?! It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss story but it is what I deal with in my every day decision making.
I've made it quite clear that I am terrified of bats and clowns. You can throw spiders I can't smash with a paper towel in there and snakes that can kill me as well. That kind of fear I understand. It's innate in our DNA. Well maybe not the clowns, but the evil critters for sure. You have to admit clowns are creepy. I can stand on the observation deck at the Sears Tower and laugh in the wind. Invite me to a kids birthday party where Bobo the clown is twisting balloons into obscene puppies and I'm running for the door.
I think of how nice it would be to be a ''popular" entertainer and then imagine that popularity being smashed to pieces after the National Enquirer photoshops me next to Ru Paul! I am comforted by doing a job I really love and then get distraught over the thought of seeing my family less. If you notice the things I fear are not the "are's" and "am's" of life. It's the "could be's" and "maybe's." It's a daily "whack a mole upstairs in the arcade" called my mind.
The result of my fear of succeeding or failing in life is to stick with the status quo. That creates a third side to my mental Bermuda triangle because of my disappointment in my unwillingness to take chances. I like simple. I adore predictable. I am infatuated with met expectations. I think I hear the guys with the rubber room pass key coming now.
I have been reminiscing lately about the past as I try to piece together my "lost years." I was really into journaling when I was going to college. This book is my journal to myself that I hope someone will relate to. As I was looking through old journals I found a poem, a bad poem, I had written when I was 19 years old. I'm sure Pulitzer will be looking at this Jim Dandy. My cynicism and fear were already bubbling over:
The acting and comedy success I have been blessed with so quickly is another one of those crazy cycles. I am by no means a "star" or Comedy Central feature but things may be moving in that direction. That's where my wacky, overloaded, think, think, think mind gets me into trouble. I would love to make it to the top! I also think, what if I make it to the top?! It sounds like a bad Dr. Seuss story but it is what I deal with in my every day decision making.
I've made it quite clear that I am terrified of bats and clowns. You can throw spiders I can't smash with a paper towel in there and snakes that can kill me as well. That kind of fear I understand. It's innate in our DNA. Well maybe not the clowns, but the evil critters for sure. You have to admit clowns are creepy. I can stand on the observation deck at the Sears Tower and laugh in the wind. Invite me to a kids birthday party where Bobo the clown is twisting balloons into obscene puppies and I'm running for the door.
I think of how nice it would be to be a ''popular" entertainer and then imagine that popularity being smashed to pieces after the National Enquirer photoshops me next to Ru Paul! I am comforted by doing a job I really love and then get distraught over the thought of seeing my family less. If you notice the things I fear are not the "are's" and "am's" of life. It's the "could be's" and "maybe's." It's a daily "whack a mole upstairs in the arcade" called my mind.
The result of my fear of succeeding or failing in life is to stick with the status quo. That creates a third side to my mental Bermuda triangle because of my disappointment in my unwillingness to take chances. I like simple. I adore predictable. I am infatuated with met expectations. I think I hear the guys with the rubber room pass key coming now.
I have been reminiscing lately about the past as I try to piece together my "lost years." I was really into journaling when I was going to college. This book is my journal to myself that I hope someone will relate to. As I was looking through old journals I found a poem, a bad poem, I had written when I was 19 years old. I'm sure Pulitzer will be looking at this Jim Dandy. My cynicism and fear were already bubbling over:
Looking glass people you can see through their game.
They all wear false faces and they all look the same.
Moving through life to achieve from within,
lying to family and people to win.
They all deserve Oscars for their pure plastic show.
Looking glass people I don't want to know.
The difference now is faith. I don't have a lot of it in myself. I do have faith in the abilities that God has given me. I know that he gave me the gift to communicate. I certainly didn't make me funny or dramatic. Ultimately, I know whether I am a success or failure, I don't have to go it alone. I tried going it alone for way too long. I am not sober because of my efforts. It is all the Great Spirit! He helps me through the day and is always there for me. Even if there is a clown-faced bat with 8 hairy legs in my path, I know God will give me the strength to kill the beast or the speed to get the hell outta there. Thanks, I'll leave my check on the table. See ya next session.
Oh, I almost forgot. To my friend in Iran I can't imagine your life but I can share your feelings. My country says stuff about yours. Your country says stuff about mine. I am glad to know you. There are no borders or agendas when we just look at humanity. We all have the same emotions. They just happen in different landscapes. I am grateful for what I have. I hope you find happiness where you are. I'm sure they have clowns and bats over there. If you need a friend to help you get through a tough spot. I'm here. Nobody can go it alone. Peace!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)