I'm A Christian...Not Jesus!

Oh no! Here it comes! I knew it was too good to be true. The idea that this guy was gonna "keep it real" is gone! It was just a set up! I read the title. Here comes the pitch. Now he's gonna lay the guilt on me. He's gonna try to sell me Jesus like a snake oil salesman. By the time he's through he will probably have me dancing with poison snakes and wanting to slap me in the forehead while shouting, "DEMONS RELEASE THIS HEATHEN and BE Gone!"

Next thing will be the P.O. Box! Oh yeah, he's gonna want donations to "help save the souls of the world!" For a gift of only $100 dollars he's going to mail me an authentic nail from the cross of the Crucifixion with my long deceased grandma's name engraved in it. Next will come his "holier than thou" speech and the promise that "if I believe all my problems will go away, and that if I pray for a million dollars, the check will show up in the mail the next day!" The most HYPOCRITICAL thing is that this guy has been an addict, thief and liar who lived with hookers, spent 11 days in a padded room and was married four times! Now he is gonna talk about faith! "People like 'him' are the reason that keep me from church and worship in the first place. It is a den of hypocrisy and double talk!"

I am proud to say that I am a Christian. I was "reborn" on August 2, 2009. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he came here and died to grace us with eternity and forgiveness for all the evil and sin we commit as men and human beings imperfect. I attend worship at Parkview Christian Church in Orland Park. We don't dance with snakes and no one gets smacked upside the head during worship.

I smoke and swear occasionally. I get angry and envious. Sometimes I act like a complete idiot. I am an actor in a business fraught with sin and do comedy that sometimes goes a bit "blue." I yell at my kids, I get impatient when it takes too long for my dinner to be served. I dream of having fast cars and big houses and making it big! I sin! I sin! I sin! I do all of this because I am not Jesus. I am not perfect nor strive for that impossible goal. I don't judge others on their beliefs. I do not think I can earn my way into heaven or that I will stand in the line to paradise 100 spaces in front of you. I believe we will all stand before our maker to account for our time here. I fail and sin because I am a human! Christians are believers in Christ as a savior. We do not live on high looking down at the silly fools below. We are regular folk. I would like to start with my definition of what being "reborn" is. It used to make me envision angry, uppity people screaming "Heathen, you will burn in HELL!" Nothing could be farther from the truth.

When we were born most of us were baptized in a ritual our parents arranged or as part of a tradition. I had no choice in the decision when I was a wee baby. I had committed no sin. I was helpless, oblivious and unable to comprehend good and evil. Being "reborn" is being baptized again "by free choice." When I was 3 months old I didn't have a vote in the matter. A relationship with God through Christ is a choice each of us has. It is the beauty of his grace. It is there for the taking. We can take it or leave it. If there was no choice he wouldn't be a God of love and grace. He would be a dictator. Rebirth is a ritual cleansing of the old spirit and a commitment to a life of trying to be more "Christlike" and accepting Jesus as the way to get to paradise.

When I professed my confession of faith and was baptized by the water of rebirth, I came out a different man. I knew I had to make things right with many here on earth but by accepting Jesus I was forgiven of all my human defects and sins. It felt invigorating to come up out of the water as a new me. Years of pain and baggage was lifted from my shoulders and heart. I will never forget it. I know I am moving on in eternity so death no longer terrifies me like it once did.

I am also an "Evangelical." That conjures up more stereotypical visions of angry people screaming about peace and forgiveness. That is enough to confuse anyone. To be Evangelical means that I share my experience with people about my life with Christ when the moment is right. I live my life as an attraction to Christ living, not as a promotional pitch for getting saved. I do not walk the aisles of the El train passing out literature and flicking holy water on the passengers. I just relate the peace and love I feel by living my life as close to the way Jesus would want me to. I fail and I sin and that's where the skeptics jump like wolves on a wounded rabbit. "The sun shines and the rain falls upon both the good and evil."

I know that the thought of a man coming down from God to live with us and save us from ourselves through his death can be a tough story to embrace. But is it really? Everyday we see man discover new technology and distant galaxies. Some of us have had near death experiences or encounters with angels or loved ones past. If we have a bad Italian dinner we don't stop eating pasta, but if we have had a bad religious experience we usually chuck the whole concept as silly. That is completely ridiculous! The problem is that people want God to be Santa Claus or a yes man, not as a light or guide in their life.

I know I would not be tapping out these words if it wasn't for the grace of God. Many people who have gone through what I have are dead, incarcerated or insane. I am free of the bondage of alcohol and addiction! That is a miracle. I have finally realized the thing that I was chasing and the hole I was trying to fill with chemicals was a meaningful relationship with my creator! I talk to him all the time and he helps direct me into making good decisions, not just the ones that are best for me. The hole has been filled. The fear is gone and the comfort in knowing that I am never alone makes living life to the fullest even better! The Bible does not end with "they all lived happily ever after." It does promise that we can make it through any of life's difficulties through our faith. I truly believe Every Day Is A Gift!

The One, Two Punch and Connolly is Down! Will He Get Back Up?

Missing Kelly on her birthday was just one element of a perfect storm that I am in right now. Combine Kelly's birthday, my daughter heading back to Germany today and the suspicion that the comedy contest I entered to open for Pauly Shore was a hoax, I am in a cyclone of emotions right now. I have heard it said that sobriety has its draw backs but a temporary escape doesn't change the storm you're in. It only adds to it. But I like to feed the anger and pain and start looking at all the people and things in my life that piss me off. I am much more satisfied with obsessing about 57 things than just one or two.

Growing up, and sometimes today, I have abandonment issues. I am afraid to let people deeply in to my heart for fear that they will rip it out and "enjoy it with a nice Chianti and some fava beans," as the deranged Hannibal casually remarked in "The Silence of the Lambs. Through my parents' divorce, failed relationships of my own and death itself, I sometimes hold back for fear of getting hurt. I know that's silly. We all experience the aches of living. But that's me. As I've mentioned before I have sometimes preemptively blown up relationships to avoid the seemingly inevitable pain of loss later. I work on changing this pattern regularly.

Today at noon I will take Andrea to the airport for her return to Germany. She has started her life there and that's just the way it is. There is no resentment although I know my wife misses her not only as a daughter but as a best friend. I miss her too. When I see her struggling with the culture shock of living in a foreign country, I want to get on a plane and storm Berlin myself. Why couldn't she move to Cali or Florida? No, not my girl. She is hungry for adventure and culture, something I instilled in her and encouraged her to follow as she was reaching maturity. Stupid Dad! Stupid Dad! I say that as a half truth. I am glad she has a wonderful husband I like and don't have to chase with a baseball bat. I have done this before. Put another mark in the "wish I never did that" column.

We have squeezed a years worth of "stuff" into the 16 days she has been here. The smothering and control I once prodded her with has been replaced with laughter and warm feelings. It's a strange paradox that my biological daughter and I have a good relationship when we are together and that my relationship with Andrea runs so much deeper. Remember, God answers our prayers. It's just not the way we draw it out most times. I also know God says NO! He is not an order taker, but a character shaper.

I see the changes in myself through my relationships with others. I have seen the growth and maturity in my thinking and behavior. I am no longer a man child, playing games to avoid life as it is. I accept it and change what I can, constantly seeking guidance from above and people like you who help me when I'm stuck in old thinking and negative behavior. Once again we can't do it alone.

Andrea will be getting up in an hour or so to finish packing for her trip back across the "pond." Although I am hurting I will make the best of the remaining hours we have together. I don't have to pout through today because I can't see her tomorrow. I am saving my drama for "The Chicago Code," and whatever projects come my way in the future.

Our babies grow and head out to start their own lives. Sometimes we love their plans, other times we want to scream, "Are you nuts?" I bite my tongue when those words well up in me. We have to trust that we have done the best we can in shaping them for their own passage. Today, if your kids make you crazy or you're convinced they're going to end up in Singh Singh, take a step back. Cherish this time. Andrea was a baby yesterday and Kelly the day after that. Don't say to yourself, "I wish they would shut up!" The day is coming when they have moved on to their own path. The phone will ring and you will jump to pick it up, disappointed that it is a solicitor. Please remember that "Every Day is a Gift."