Depression Makes Me LAUGH!

Depression makes me laugh. What? You thought I was gonna say it makes me sad. Right? It does sometimes. There are times it makes me cry, get obsessive-compulsive, angry or giddy. On other occasions it makes me isolate or dread being alone. I dislike the word depression "sufferer." There are few moments that I suffer from my depression. There are trying times. Every so often I have a difficult day or two.

I usually speak about the triumphs and tribulations of sobriety, addiction and recovery. I don't speak enough about the world of depression. I'm not an expert on it. I live with it, and in it. A friend of mine, who's a county politician, messaged me this morning troubled with how stigmatized addiction and depression is in our society. I told her I was going to be addressing that very thing today.

I was first diagnosed bi-polar in March of 1999 when I checked myself into Hinsdale Hospital for rehab. I have since been rediagnosed as having an anxiety and panic disorder with bi-polar tendencies. My work in recovery and with a therapist has been effective in helping me MANAGE my CONDITION. I have a chemical imbalance that requires medication to stabilize my mood. I am grateful to say that over the last three years I have gone from four pills a day, to two at bedtime. I hope I get to a point when I need no medication at all. The chemical imbalance is a part of life as ME. It's kinda like the fact that I'm left handed in a right handed world. I have learned to MANAGE and ADAPT.

Bi-Polar used to be called Manic Depressive. That's a beauty! To define what I have is difficult. Simply stated I am attracted to both male and female Arctic people.  Traditionally defined, I have really high-highs and really low-lows emotionally. Most folks spend their time in the emotional middle and spike up or down. I tend to be at one of the polar extremes and have to work towards the emotional middle. My chemical receptors and plugs have a problem lining up just right. It's a bit like a car that needs a new set of wires. The car runs but it misfires.  A lot of addicts use because they have some form of depression or chemical imbalance. We self medicate because we can't cope with racing thoughts, mood swings or can't process our feelings that aren't fitting the picture. This is me.

I often have the wrong emotional response for the situation that is occurring. The world sees my actions not my intentions. When my Aunt Dora died we drove down to Carlisle, Indiana for her funeral. I was about 15 or so. My grandfather was cracking jokes about her in the family lounge. I was laughing like George Carlin was sitting next to me. Tears were rolling down my face. I was clearly boisterous and obnoxious. I didn't KNOW HOW to cope with my feelings over the death. I vented through my laughter.

 As White Sox announcer Ken " Hawk" Harrelson says, "right size, wrong shape." It was inappropriate behavior for a funeral. I was depressed and was in a high on my emotional meter. I was in a manic moment. Rightfully, my mother scolded me for my actions. I retreated into a corner feeling as if I had done something horribly wrong. It wasn't that my feelings were wrong. Our feelings are OUR FEELINGS, and are neither right or wrong. My actions were improper for a wake. I couldn't find the middle on how to react to my Aunt's death. When my HIGH reaction was inappropriate I slipped down to the low. Emotional Middle Earth was elusive for me.

I started to drink and use because I couldn't cope with my thoughts and feelings not aligning.  I felt misunderstood all the time. Sometimes I still do. It's been said that addicts are overly sensitive people. It's not surprising to me when I see us dually diagnosed. It does sting a little when I hear people say addicts have no feelings. WE FEEL EVERYTHING! That is a large part of our problem. We feel compassion when a butterfly farts! When you mix a chemical imbalance into an addictive personality KABOOM! Catastrophe is down right inevitable. It is a perfect recipe for self-destruction. However, once we get armed with the facts about WHAT WE ARE and WHO WE ARE there's hope.

The key to SURVIVING addiction and depression is reaching out for help. As an addict and a person who has wondered if I was going out of my mind I know that is a bitter pill to swallow. The thought of approaching someone about being crazy is nuts! No it's not. It's your only hope. You have to have hope. Even when your sitting under that rock. You're not crazy! You're just a little nuts!

When I addressed my alcohol and addiction issues I was having multiple panic attacks daily. Once I found out my wires were crossed I felt better. I WAS NOT ALONE. Panic attacks suck! The ones' Tony Soprano had were a party! I felt like I was gonna DIE every day! DAY AFTER DAY! That's not living. That's existing until you're finally right!

I saw a couple of noodle professionals. I  eventually found one I was comfortable with. This is not like picking out bagels! Take your time. DO RESEARCH. LEARN. EDUCATE YOURSELF. The more you learn about your melon the less you'll feel your losing your seeds! It isn't the end of the world. It opened me up to my life again. I have not had a full blown attack in over a year. I now recognize my symptoms and know I'm not going to die. To be safe I also don't let ducks raise their young in our backyard.

General public, earthlings and pundits, PLEASE don't judge what you do not understand. Chemical imbalance doesn't mean crazy. An addict doesn't have a morality problem. If it were as easy as "just stopping" ...we would. When it comes to depression, if it were as easy as, "just snapping out of it"...we'd do that too....

Adapt! You Son of a So-n-So!

I hate Change, unless it's change I like. That kind of change is usually when things are going my way. It is when the universe falls into line with my grandiose plans. Natural selection dictates that only the strong survive. Adapt or be extinguished. I have made so many changes in the last few years in recovery that I see a different me when I look in the mirror. The fact that I can look in the mirror and be comfortable with the guy looking back at me is a miracle in itself.

I am grateful to GOD for giving me the chance to rebuild my family and start a new career in acting. As for my comedy career I'm at a crossroad. I haven't lost the passion. I still can write some decent material. I hold my own when I'm on stage. David Brenner told me in effect, "if you don't get butterflies before you hit the stage, get out of the business. Your passion is gone!" I do get a little nervous, or more accurately an adrenalin rush, when the emcee is giving me my intro and I hit the stair up on stage. After I have snapped out my first joke I go into the zone.

Chicago is a great comedy town. There are at least 6 major clubs in the city and plenty in the suburbs. I have played all over the city except the east side. I'll have to wait until they have a water taxi and floating club for that. On all seven days of the week you can find an open mic to try out some new stuff or catch the buzz!

When I was "out there" I was completely comfortable spewing out ANY material that would get a laugh. My conscience was set to my standards and that was pretty much, "Tom say ANYTHING for a laugh!" The bluer the better. The nastier the better. Nothing was taboo.

Last night I performed at a club in the heart of Rush Street. For my readers outside the "Windy City," that's the Bourbon Street of Illinois. The crowd wasn't bad. It was a comedy contest with me and 4 other comics competing to move into the semi-finals. I did not make it. I don't feel bad about it. The winner was outstanding. He is a touring comic and left me in the dust.

As I watched my four friends perform I was struck by the fact that my material was rated PG 17 or under. My fellows were rated R to X. That's cool. I know that's what people want to hear when their out partying. I can say without hesitation Carlin, Pryor, Kinison and Williams are personal favorites. Bruce, Foxx, Pryor and Carlin were ground breaking. Carlin's stance on free speech took him all the way to the Supreme Court. I miss ya' George.

Out of all the comedians you see today in the main stream only a handful of them do sets that are suitable for any age audiences. Dreesen, Brenner, Lewis, Foxworthy and Dunham are masters. Last night I became convicted with the fact that following in those guys footsteps is what I am going to do. I love comics who can make me laugh without feeling embarrassed when my kids are with me. Comic note: I still enjoy blue humor. I just don't think it's for me.

As I took the stage last night the other guys had covered coke, sex, hookers and racism. I had prepared my all ages set. As I began the laughs were coming in smatterings. There was one here, a couple there and occasionally I knocked one out of the park. After I noticed I wasn't keeping the crowd rolling I slipped back into the blue. I started throwing out the raunchy stuff from the old days. I was willing to do anything for the laughs again. It worked. They laughed. I left the stage feeling awful!

I was shocked at how quickly I was able to toss out my convictions on doing a PG set, more specifically it made me feel bad about my performance. I was recording the set to send out to clubs and agents. When I went to check on the camera after my set I saw a black screen. The batteries had died. I was actually happy I didn't have to review it. I also felt like the big guy upstairs was reaffirming my decision. That is, from here out I am only doing decent humor. I have to feel good with what comes out of my mouth. The crowd will see my ease and hopefully enjoy the ride.

As I get ready to release Soul Parole, I hope to do some signings and corporate events. I want to weave my comedy and laughter into my otherwise troubling story. I am a story teller. My new choice of decency may limit my opportunities in the clubs. It may also open some new ones. If I end up doing only fundraisers or the Florida Condo circuit, I'm cool with that. I have to remain comfortable in my own skin. If I get too uncomfortable, bad things will quickly follow. That is my M.O.! David Brenner went on to say that, "doing what you want, in a place you like, that makes you feel good is the only definition of happiness I ever found valid."The racy hard core comics rule. My hat is off to you guys. I agree with David. Look out world Mr. Clean is coming out swinging.

BLUE......An Addict or Depression Sufferer's Favorite Color!

Just leave me alone! I just want to be alone. I need some time to myself. I'm just gonna chill tonight. I'm just tired today. I don't want to talk about it right now. There's nothing wrong, I just want to be by myself. All of these are favorites I use on family, friends and loved ones when I am in a depression. It is also a warning sign or a cry for help from someone suffering from depression or addiction and recovery.

"9 out of 10 addicts and depression sufferers' favorite color is BLUE! The last one's favorite is dark blue!" For the last week or so my favorite color has been BLUE. If I don't stop isolating, it will quickly turn to DARK BLUE! Then I am in the danger zone. There is quiet solitude and there is also intentional isolation. Suffering from both depression and addiction, isolation is the first "friend" I turn to when I'm feeling BLUE.

Suffering from depression really makes me sad sometimes. It is particularly frustrating when someone says "Why are you so down?" and I honestly don't have an answer for them. There is no answer because I don't know myself. A person with depression can be sitting on their own private island, with a winning lottery ticket and Beyonce rubbing their feet and feel like crap. Depression is misunderstood by the sufferer and those around him.

Before I started writing this blog today I did some Internet research on "famous" people who suffered from depression or other forms of mental illness. I hate that phrase MENTAL ILLNESS! It implies that my brain has typhoid fever or malaria and I'm going to spread it around the whole village or go postal and wipe everyone out! No! I have a "chemical imbalance" in my noodle. The feel good chemicals up there just aren't produced as effectively in me as in "normal" people. Can I stop and say that "normal" people scare the hell out of me? I always think they're hiding something, like bodies under their family room.

I always hear things like "You're so funny, how can you be sad?" My favorite is,"How can you be a comic and suffer from depression?" Those questions make me cringe because my guess is as good as yours. Try these ones on for size. Jim Carrey suffers from depression and Bi-Polar Disorder. Additional "funny people" who suffer from some form of depression are Drew Cary, Robin Williams, Ben Stiller, Drew Barrymore, Tracy Ullman, Roseanne Barr, Spike Mulligan, Jonathon Winters and Louis Anderson. The Louis Anderson "funny" reference is subject to reader interpretation.

"Funny people" aren't the only high profile people who suffer from these conditions. It has no prejudice or favorite "type" to grab on to. Beethoven, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Teddy Roosevelt, Vincent Van Gogh and my favorite Beatle, John Lennon, all suffered with depression issues. There were a total of 244 people listed on the celebrity menu of depression sufferers which I am referencing from Google. Those folks seemed to get around it and push forward. That is what we must do also. It does give me some comfort in knowing that there is a thin line between artistic genius and insanity. I'm not sure which side of that equation I fall. It just feels good knowing that I'm not alone.

"Alone!" "Now there's the rub!" When I am in a funk I want to be left alone. During those down times, while you see sunshine, I complain about the glare. Where you see a beautiful snow covered hill, I see the filthy slush on my street. While you see the wonders of the Chicago skyline, I see the garbage in the alleys. The need to be alone occasionally is important for anyone. To a person like me it can only be implemented for a short time or I will slip from "light blue" to "Dark Blue" to BLACK.

Nothing gets me out of a depression or funk better than forgetting about myself. Sitting alone listening to John Coltrane seems like a good idea but it leaves me alone with me! I have proven to myself over and over again that there are few things in this world that I can overcome ALONE. In recovery it means attending more recovery meetings and calling fellow addicts. It means turning off the Coltrane and turning up the Ramones! It means taking an interest in things outside of my mind intentionally. Sometimes I have to force it. I have to make myself engage with other people.

Knowledge is power, so I've heard, and by golly I believe it! As addicts and/or depression sufferers we tend to focus on the emotional side of our condition and try to figure ourselves out. I have made it my mission to learn about my conditions from a medical and psychologically objective point of view. The more I know about why I tick the way I do, the easier it is to push past the funk. I used to analyze myself to death. Now, knowing the symptoms, triggers and SOLUTIONS to dealing effectively with my conditions, makes it easier to be me. I can experience negativity or downward depression and be confident that it is going to pass. I don't have to buy into the "woe is me" mentality and go for the whole miserable depressive ride!

Surrender and acceptance of exactly who I am is the start to making peace with my conditions. I am not a crazy drunken baby anymore. I am a person who suffers from a chemical imbalance which I see a doctor for. I take medication to rebalance the chemicals in my melon. I go to places where there are other people just like me, who understand me and can help me through situations I can't handle alone. I have a family, loved ones and friends who I can share my feelings with. I have a God whom I can turn to at anytime and ask him to help me through whatever I am experiencing and be confident that he will show me the way through it. Every obstacle and challenge I face no longer has to be a catastrophe as long as I am willing to reach out for help from someone else.

The Angry Man, Sean Penn and Christopher Walken...

Do you know what Sean Penn, Chris Walken and I have in common? Nothing much! They are, however, 2 of my favorite actors. The role types and characters they play are right up my alley. I have been told I look a bit like Penn, but have also been told I look like Dave Coulier, Jeff Daniels, Robin Williams and Danny Aiello. The Coulier and Daniels I get. The Penn is wishful thinking. Robin Williams looks nothing like me, but we share a racing mind. I look more like Snookie than Danny Aiello!

Before I get to my first "real" acting gig I experienced today, I must shatter a Hollywood myth. I hope you will forgive me but I can not keep this information secret and sleep with a clear conscience. Besides COPS and a few other shows: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY TV. If you understand this fact, and still enjoy the entertainment, good for you. However, if you think you are watching "REAL" conversations that are unrehearsed or never reshot, you're canoeing with a short paddle. If there is a camera following you, or in every room, it is not real. It is not natural behavior. No one has a flawless dramatic encounter or dialogue with someone in every day life that is perfect!

NO ACTOR can deliver lines perfectly every time. Tweaks and adjustments are made on the spot and reshot. The shows may have elements of truth in it, but they are developed and then reshot. Think about it! When you are at a party, unless someone takes your picture when you're not looking, you change. You are aware of the camera and you mug it up for the photo. You change into an "I'm getting my picture taken mode." How many times have you asked the photographer to take another because you didn't like the first shot? I sound like Andy Rooney!

I recently got offered an audition for a production involving "people leading double lives." Who is going to audition for that? I can just see myself sitting down with my wife explaining to her that I am auditioning for the part. Don't ask questions honey. I have another wife in Hoboken. We can talk about it later. Have a great day at work! Some of the submission requests are just plain far out and border on unbelievable! One was looking for a couple to climb mountains in Norway. To Squeaky, staying in a hotel without room service is camping. The vision of her in snow shoes toting a backpack is as ridiculous as my fantasy of owning an Alpaca farm.

As for my day, it was an amazing experience. I can't share a lot of details about the company or product but will fill you in on the day's events. I arrived at the set location 30 minutes prior to my "Call Time." That is the time you are to report for duty. I told you I hate to be late and I arrived at 2:00pm.
They were shooting 3 commercials in one day and mine was to be last. I was immediately greeted by a production assistant who is basically a concierge, gopher, cattle herder and organizer. He explained that the 2nd commercial was running an hour behind and I would be needed in about 2 hours. Note to the would-be-actor: if you do not like waiting or being hurried up and then told to wait, Show Biz ain't for you.

I was directed to the "holding" area, a grand term for waiting room. Then I was shown where "Craft Services" was located. These guys are the actors' source of coffee, sugar, protein and snacks to get them through the long shooting schedule. I grabbed some coffee and sat with my fellow actors chit-chatting about rumored projects and local gossip. Note two to the would-be- actor: if you're uncomfortable changing clothes in front of people, acting is not for you. There is a locker room mentality to wardrobe. Seeing both men and women in skivvies just comes with the territory. That new thong you like is not a good choice for the day of your shoot, especially if you weigh 300 pounds and are male or female. It doesn't phase me changing in front of others. I am Irish and have nothing to hide. Literally!

To give motion and perspective to a scene, multiple cameras are used and the shots are done and redone from every angle conceivable. There are long shots, prop shots, close-ups, rear shots, safety takes and a myriad of others to create the magic. Our 60 second spot took 3 and a half  hours to shoot. On a TV series episode I did, a two minute scene took 14 hours to shoot. Some scenes are done with pantomiming to print the action with sound added later. Many scenes are shot with a visualized focal point that represents the person or object that the scene revolves around. It's a lot more involved than you thought, huh? Staring at a cameraman and convincing the audience that you are conversing with a dying friend is challenging.

When it was time to shoot, the first step was to wardrobe. After you are dressed as your character you move on to hair and make up. I get satisfaction and have appreciation for these often overlooked invaluable cogs in the acting wheel. It is quite comforting having make up put on and very relaxing. I always tell the make up artists that they should probably grab a spackling knife to put my makeup on. My face looks like it caught on fire and they put it out with a meat tenderizing hammer. I was the "Angry Man" in a spot with two really nice guys. One was 19 and the other was 24. In the scene they try to play a prank on me and it goes terribly wrong. After their mishap I come running to physically "thank" them for allowing me the opportunity to be the recipient of their mischievous prank. I really liked the guys but had to separate from them before shooting. Some actors use the "method" style and others use the "character" style of acting. I subscribe to Uta Hagen's notion that acting is a combination of both. Note to the actor "wannabe," books by Hagen, Lee Strasberg and Constantin Stanislavsky are great reads and amazing tools to help develop skills. I am obviously a novice, but greatly appreciate reading the books and articles these acting gurus have contributed to the profession. I especially adore Uta Hagen.

To paraphrase Hagen's approach to a character, it is better to be yourself in the role of the character instead of trying to act like a stereotype of the character. Drawing on your own past life experiences and emotions makes a character more believable than trying to think like someone you are not. By combining method and character acting a more complete authentic performance is created. I really learned a lot from the many "extras" roles I have had because the physical movements of a character are equal to, or sometimes more important than, the lines they spit out.

I was feeling great about my first mortgage paying job and was supposed to be angry. I have 3 daughters and I asked my two co-actors if they were dating. What kind of women do they like? What was the craziest relationship they were in? Then I took those answers and applied them to the image of them dating my daughters. The two fine young men I was giggling with moments before, now felt the ire of a father. Mission accomplished. I also reflected on missing my youngest daughters' 11th birthday. I was catapulted into pissed off in an instant. The pain and rejection, isolation and hopelessness I felt when trapped in my addiction have become useful tools for channeling a feel into a character. The different personalities I use in my comedy performances also have been very helpful in acting.

Prior to the commercial I had only worked on films and television programs. There, a director has a vision and calls the shots and directs the path he wants the actor to follow. In a commercial you have the director's vision and the ad agency client's, both combining and colliding to create the desired message the spot is supposed to deliver. The director wants it like this. No! The client wants this. You do a scene as told and then are told to do it differently. I had no idea the clients were sitting on location. They were holed up in a room watching the shooting on closed screen monitors and passing on tips and recommendations to the film crew for each take. My first solo scene took 8 takes. I was frustrated because I was doing the scene as layed out by the director. As he became frustrated with me I didn't realize then that the clients were changing things as we went. Note to the new actor: if your feelings are easily hurt or you can't take criticism, this is not the life for you.

My second scene I did in one take. I was thrilled and so was the crew because we were shooting outside in 17 degree temperatures. My final scene was with myself and the other two principal actors. My anger toward them was genuine as I thought of them around my daughters and exacting my revenge for their ill conceived prank they were playing on me. The final shot is called the "Martini shot." This is a cue to the actors and crew that it is the end of the day. The term explains itself. We then recorded some "wild" audio. That is where the principals record audio of lines in different tones and emotions to be inserted into the film later.

I really enjoyed the waiting, the filming, the standing around and camaraderie that fills a set. For the hours you are together, you are a family. The cast of characters and personalities are diverse and amusing. I loved everything about it and was wiped out by the time I got home. As I drove home through the icy snow pelting my car, I reflected on my day and took pride in knowing I was now a professional actor. I made more money doing that spot than all of my comedy appearances combined. I thanked God for giving me the talent to do a good job and was grateful to be a part of "show biz". I don't think that I would recommend it to just anyone. Actors are an odd but driven lot. There are lots of unpaid gigs learning the ropes, but the drive to perform is powerful. Well paying jobs are few and far between and it isn't as easy as it looks. For me I'm all in! I have found something I have a great passion for. 

My wife has been calling me a drama queen for years! The queen part is a slam but I know I can be a big, dumb baby sometimes. As for the drama part I love it and will continue to compliment it with my comedy. The more sober I get, the more I appreciate my life and the new experiences sobriety brings. I am no longer afraid to try for fear of failure or success. Edison failed thousands of times before he got the light bulb right. All of our life experiences combined only make us wiser and more prepared for whatever gig God has planned for us in every today we live. Enjoy TODAY!