It's been a few days since my trip to the dentist and the pain is easing. I am getting back to my grateful, hopeful, yet cynical self. I have landed a small role in the Joliet Drama Guild production of "Meet My Husbands." I am grateful for the opportunity. My blog was also voted one of the "Top 100 Addiction Blogs" online. That is a trip. But for the grace of God, there go I. I give the credit to God, my recovery friends and those of you who inspire me to continue with sharing my life story.
We all know what the trigger on a gun is. It is the lever we squeeze that causes the gun to fire. To an addict a trigger is similar to that of a gun. It can have the same consequences of destruction or or even death. One of The American Heritage Dictionary definitions of a trigger is "An action that precipitates another." For the gun, the pulling of the trigger precipitates the discharge of the weapon. What happens after the gun has been fired is the wild card.
In recovery, active addiction "triggers" are emotional, physical, visual, auditory, or psychological cues that make us want to use, or remind us of when we used. In simple terms when you smell chocolate chip cookies being baked you suddenly have the urge to eat one. As addicts we have used in so many places and under so many circumstances that almost anything can be a trigger. When I would keep my mind and finger on that trigger long enough I eventually found the denial and justification to squeeze it. Then it was off to the races.
As you move into recovery it becomes a daily practice to recognize our triggers and stay away from them, or at the very least, not to dwell on them. Sometimes they are unavoidable but get easier to dismiss as we grow in sobriety. Getting high doesn't start at the crack of a can or the opening of a bag. It begins earlier in the mind. Addiction is a mental compulsion, obsession and allergy that becomes "The Trilogy of Terror." As a matter of fact my addiction used to chase me like that little demon Indian who chased Karen Black around her house with that tiny knife in the 1970's movie, "Trilogy of Terror."
As a comedian and actor I am faced with booze, drugs and temptation whenever I work. The final film shot of a day on set is called "The Martini Shot." It is a cue that the day is over and time to relax. In comedy clubs booze is where the money is made. Drugs are a part of the background scene and all the other "stuff" that happens there are work hazards I face regularly. It is vital to state that my sobriety level is strong enough to handle the situation. If you are new to sobriety, hanging out at the bar sipping a Coke or chilling with your boys while they roll one up is an invitation to disaster. All such situations should be discussed with your mentor FIRST. My work is in these places. I have a reason to be there and I have the tools to combat any strange urge that comes my way.
What? I have urges? Heck yeah! If you played hockey for 25 years and retired, the occasional thought of those good ol' days on the ice pop in your head every once in a while. The hockey player doesn't grab his skates and head for the stadium. When an addict is in recovery we need to find new thinking to slide into when the bad thoughts linger. I would be a liar if I didn't say that when a TV commercial for some new fangled blue vodka that turns yellow when you mix it with a lime, the thought crosses my mind that that might be tasty. But I let it go.
I know if I drank the blue vodka shown in the happy love-filled party scene, I would drink it all and search out more. It's not number 43 that gets me drunk. It's number 1! If I avoid 1 I don't have to worry about 43. Active addicts and alcoholics have the ability to tune into the fun parts of the high and dismiss the horror that surrounds the during and aftermath of using. That is one of the mysteries of addiction. In recovery we think about the fights, DUI's, pee pee pants, fights and misery. That keeps us sober. We flip the fantasy of using into the reality of the disasters that occur once we pick up.
The other night I did a comedy gig on the West Side. This is an old school tavern with great food and filled to the rim with tough, no nonsense working folks. I went out for a smoke break because it was an "Open Mic." That means lots of comics and a long night. As I stepped outside to prepare for my set I smelled the burning of that old natural, God created, grown like corn, non-addictive, good for your eyes aroma of weed. I took a couple drags of my smoke and went back inside.
The crowd was drunk and tough on every comic. I ended up in a fight on stage with a heckler and cut my set short. I was pissed off. I went outside to regain my composure and have another smoke. One again, I smelled the burning of that old natural, God created, grown like corn, non-addictive, good for your eyes aroma of doobage. I took a couple more drags of my smoke and watched them with curiosity. I returned to my can of Coke and watched the next 4 or 5 comics.
By now the place was packed and I couldn't breathe so I went out back to get some fresh air. Once again, I smelled the burning of that old natural, God created, grown like corn, non-addictive, good for your eyes aroma of mary jane. I smoked my cigarette and made small talk and then it happened. The average earthling has about 6 or 7 thoughts swirling in their minds at once. An addict has 6 to 700. Our minds work on warp speed. They asked me if I wanted some. My whole life of homelessness, addiction, pain, happiness, hope and fear flamed through my melon in a split second.
If I took a hit no one would know. Right? Wrong! I would. It was all natural and not full of preservatives right? WRONG! I politely declined and did not return outside again. The difference in that split second of CHOICE, for a using addict and recovering addict, is the key to happiness or misery. Back in the day I would have hit the joint and then went in and bought a beer. Recovery has taught me I can never use chemicals safely like normal folks. It is an impossibility. I may be able to control it for a short time but it will return with greater destruction than ever.
I see the beauty and serenity of sobriety in life now. There was a time when I thought living sober was NOT possible. I have gotten my family and respect back. I have begun an exciting career in show biz, and most importantly, I wake up being okay with me. It is hard to live inside yourself when you hate yourself. Sobriety removes that hate and replaces it with self respect and love for others. That dark hole I tried to fill with booze and dope and escape has been filled with faith, friendship and hope. I wouldn't trade my sobriety for all the God created, grown like corn, non-addictive, good for your eyes grass in the world.
Showing posts with label Martini. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Martini. Show all posts
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Angry Man, Sean Penn and Christopher Walken...
Do you know what Sean Penn, Chris Walken and I have in common? Nothing much! They are, however, 2 of my favorite actors. The role types and characters they play are right up my alley. I have been told I look a bit like Penn, but have also been told I look like Dave Coulier, Jeff Daniels, Robin Williams and Danny Aiello. The Coulier and Daniels I get. The Penn is wishful thinking. Robin Williams looks nothing like me, but we share a racing mind. I look more like Snookie than Danny Aiello!
Before I get to my first "real" acting gig I experienced today, I must shatter a Hollywood myth. I hope you will forgive me but I can not keep this information secret and sleep with a clear conscience. Besides COPS and a few other shows: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY TV. If you understand this fact, and still enjoy the entertainment, good for you. However, if you think you are watching "REAL" conversations that are unrehearsed or never reshot, you're canoeing with a short paddle. If there is a camera following you, or in every room, it is not real. It is not natural behavior. No one has a flawless dramatic encounter or dialogue with someone in every day life that is perfect!
NO ACTOR can deliver lines perfectly every time. Tweaks and adjustments are made on the spot and reshot. The shows may have elements of truth in it, but they are developed and then reshot. Think about it! When you are at a party, unless someone takes your picture when you're not looking, you change. You are aware of the camera and you mug it up for the photo. You change into an "I'm getting my picture taken mode." How many times have you asked the photographer to take another because you didn't like the first shot? I sound like Andy Rooney!
I recently got offered an audition for a production involving "people leading double lives." Who is going to audition for that? I can just see myself sitting down with my wife explaining to her that I am auditioning for the part. Don't ask questions honey. I have another wife in Hoboken. We can talk about it later. Have a great day at work! Some of the submission requests are just plain far out and border on unbelievable! One was looking for a couple to climb mountains in Norway. To Squeaky, staying in a hotel without room service is camping. The vision of her in snow shoes toting a backpack is as ridiculous as my fantasy of owning an Alpaca farm.
As for my day, it was an amazing experience. I can't share a lot of details about the company or product but will fill you in on the day's events. I arrived at the set location 30 minutes prior to my "Call Time." That is the time you are to report for duty. I told you I hate to be late and I arrived at 2:00pm.
They were shooting 3 commercials in one day and mine was to be last. I was immediately greeted by a production assistant who is basically a concierge, gopher, cattle herder and organizer. He explained that the 2nd commercial was running an hour behind and I would be needed in about 2 hours. Note to the would-be-actor: if you do not like waiting or being hurried up and then told to wait, Show Biz ain't for you.
I was directed to the "holding" area, a grand term for waiting room. Then I was shown where "Craft Services" was located. These guys are the actors' source of coffee, sugar, protein and snacks to get them through the long shooting schedule. I grabbed some coffee and sat with my fellow actors chit-chatting about rumored projects and local gossip. Note two to the would-be- actor: if you're uncomfortable changing clothes in front of people, acting is not for you. There is a locker room mentality to wardrobe. Seeing both men and women in skivvies just comes with the territory. That new thong you like is not a good choice for the day of your shoot, especially if you weigh 300 pounds and are male or female. It doesn't phase me changing in front of others. I am Irish and have nothing to hide. Literally!
To give motion and perspective to a scene, multiple cameras are used and the shots are done and redone from every angle conceivable. There are long shots, prop shots, close-ups, rear shots, safety takes and a myriad of others to create the magic. Our 60 second spot took 3 and a half hours to shoot. On a TV series episode I did, a two minute scene took 14 hours to shoot. Some scenes are done with pantomiming to print the action with sound added later. Many scenes are shot with a visualized focal point that represents the person or object that the scene revolves around. It's a lot more involved than you thought, huh? Staring at a cameraman and convincing the audience that you are conversing with a dying friend is challenging.
When it was time to shoot, the first step was to wardrobe. After you are dressed as your character you move on to hair and make up. I get satisfaction and have appreciation for these often overlooked invaluable cogs in the acting wheel. It is quite comforting having make up put on and very relaxing. I always tell the make up artists that they should probably grab a spackling knife to put my makeup on. My face looks like it caught on fire and they put it out with a meat tenderizing hammer. I was the "Angry Man" in a spot with two really nice guys. One was 19 and the other was 24. In the scene they try to play a prank on me and it goes terribly wrong. After their mishap I come running to physically "thank" them for allowing me the opportunity to be the recipient of their mischievous prank. I really liked the guys but had to separate from them before shooting. Some actors use the "method" style and others use the "character" style of acting. I subscribe to Uta Hagen's notion that acting is a combination of both. Note to the actor "wannabe," books by Hagen, Lee Strasberg and Constantin Stanislavsky are great reads and amazing tools to help develop skills. I am obviously a novice, but greatly appreciate reading the books and articles these acting gurus have contributed to the profession. I especially adore Uta Hagen.
To paraphrase Hagen's approach to a character, it is better to be yourself in the role of the character instead of trying to act like a stereotype of the character. Drawing on your own past life experiences and emotions makes a character more believable than trying to think like someone you are not. By combining method and character acting a more complete authentic performance is created. I really learned a lot from the many "extras" roles I have had because the physical movements of a character are equal to, or sometimes more important than, the lines they spit out.
I was feeling great about my first mortgage paying job and was supposed to be angry. I have 3 daughters and I asked my two co-actors if they were dating. What kind of women do they like? What was the craziest relationship they were in? Then I took those answers and applied them to the image of them dating my daughters. The two fine young men I was giggling with moments before, now felt the ire of a father. Mission accomplished. I also reflected on missing my youngest daughters' 11th birthday. I was catapulted into pissed off in an instant. The pain and rejection, isolation and hopelessness I felt when trapped in my addiction have become useful tools for channeling a feel into a character. The different personalities I use in my comedy performances also have been very helpful in acting.
Prior to the commercial I had only worked on films and television programs. There, a director has a vision and calls the shots and directs the path he wants the actor to follow. In a commercial you have the director's vision and the ad agency client's, both combining and colliding to create the desired message the spot is supposed to deliver. The director wants it like this. No! The client wants this. You do a scene as told and then are told to do it differently. I had no idea the clients were sitting on location. They were holed up in a room watching the shooting on closed screen monitors and passing on tips and recommendations to the film crew for each take. My first solo scene took 8 takes. I was frustrated because I was doing the scene as layed out by the director. As he became frustrated with me I didn't realize then that the clients were changing things as we went. Note to the new actor: if your feelings are easily hurt or you can't take criticism, this is not the life for you.
My second scene I did in one take. I was thrilled and so was the crew because we were shooting outside in 17 degree temperatures. My final scene was with myself and the other two principal actors. My anger toward them was genuine as I thought of them around my daughters and exacting my revenge for their ill conceived prank they were playing on me. The final shot is called the "Martini shot." This is a cue to the actors and crew that it is the end of the day. The term explains itself. We then recorded some "wild" audio. That is where the principals record audio of lines in different tones and emotions to be inserted into the film later.
I really enjoyed the waiting, the filming, the standing around and camaraderie that fills a set. For the hours you are together, you are a family. The cast of characters and personalities are diverse and amusing. I loved everything about it and was wiped out by the time I got home. As I drove home through the icy snow pelting my car, I reflected on my day and took pride in knowing I was now a professional actor. I made more money doing that spot than all of my comedy appearances combined. I thanked God for giving me the talent to do a good job and was grateful to be a part of "show biz". I don't think that I would recommend it to just anyone. Actors are an odd but driven lot. There are lots of unpaid gigs learning the ropes, but the drive to perform is powerful. Well paying jobs are few and far between and it isn't as easy as it looks. For me I'm all in! I have found something I have a great passion for.
My wife has been calling me a drama queen for years! The queen part is a slam but I know I can be a big, dumb baby sometimes. As for the drama part I love it and will continue to compliment it with my comedy. The more sober I get, the more I appreciate my life and the new experiences sobriety brings. I am no longer afraid to try for fear of failure or success. Edison failed thousands of times before he got the light bulb right. All of our life experiences combined only make us wiser and more prepared for whatever gig God has planned for us in every today we live. Enjoy TODAY!
Before I get to my first "real" acting gig I experienced today, I must shatter a Hollywood myth. I hope you will forgive me but I can not keep this information secret and sleep with a clear conscience. Besides COPS and a few other shows: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REALITY TV. If you understand this fact, and still enjoy the entertainment, good for you. However, if you think you are watching "REAL" conversations that are unrehearsed or never reshot, you're canoeing with a short paddle. If there is a camera following you, or in every room, it is not real. It is not natural behavior. No one has a flawless dramatic encounter or dialogue with someone in every day life that is perfect!
NO ACTOR can deliver lines perfectly every time. Tweaks and adjustments are made on the spot and reshot. The shows may have elements of truth in it, but they are developed and then reshot. Think about it! When you are at a party, unless someone takes your picture when you're not looking, you change. You are aware of the camera and you mug it up for the photo. You change into an "I'm getting my picture taken mode." How many times have you asked the photographer to take another because you didn't like the first shot? I sound like Andy Rooney!
I recently got offered an audition for a production involving "people leading double lives." Who is going to audition for that? I can just see myself sitting down with my wife explaining to her that I am auditioning for the part. Don't ask questions honey. I have another wife in Hoboken. We can talk about it later. Have a great day at work! Some of the submission requests are just plain far out and border on unbelievable! One was looking for a couple to climb mountains in Norway. To Squeaky, staying in a hotel without room service is camping. The vision of her in snow shoes toting a backpack is as ridiculous as my fantasy of owning an Alpaca farm.
As for my day, it was an amazing experience. I can't share a lot of details about the company or product but will fill you in on the day's events. I arrived at the set location 30 minutes prior to my "Call Time." That is the time you are to report for duty. I told you I hate to be late and I arrived at 2:00pm.
They were shooting 3 commercials in one day and mine was to be last. I was immediately greeted by a production assistant who is basically a concierge, gopher, cattle herder and organizer. He explained that the 2nd commercial was running an hour behind and I would be needed in about 2 hours. Note to the would-be-actor: if you do not like waiting or being hurried up and then told to wait, Show Biz ain't for you.
I was directed to the "holding" area, a grand term for waiting room. Then I was shown where "Craft Services" was located. These guys are the actors' source of coffee, sugar, protein and snacks to get them through the long shooting schedule. I grabbed some coffee and sat with my fellow actors chit-chatting about rumored projects and local gossip. Note two to the would-be- actor: if you're uncomfortable changing clothes in front of people, acting is not for you. There is a locker room mentality to wardrobe. Seeing both men and women in skivvies just comes with the territory. That new thong you like is not a good choice for the day of your shoot, especially if you weigh 300 pounds and are male or female. It doesn't phase me changing in front of others. I am Irish and have nothing to hide. Literally!
To give motion and perspective to a scene, multiple cameras are used and the shots are done and redone from every angle conceivable. There are long shots, prop shots, close-ups, rear shots, safety takes and a myriad of others to create the magic. Our 60 second spot took 3 and a half hours to shoot. On a TV series episode I did, a two minute scene took 14 hours to shoot. Some scenes are done with pantomiming to print the action with sound added later. Many scenes are shot with a visualized focal point that represents the person or object that the scene revolves around. It's a lot more involved than you thought, huh? Staring at a cameraman and convincing the audience that you are conversing with a dying friend is challenging.
When it was time to shoot, the first step was to wardrobe. After you are dressed as your character you move on to hair and make up. I get satisfaction and have appreciation for these often overlooked invaluable cogs in the acting wheel. It is quite comforting having make up put on and very relaxing. I always tell the make up artists that they should probably grab a spackling knife to put my makeup on. My face looks like it caught on fire and they put it out with a meat tenderizing hammer. I was the "Angry Man" in a spot with two really nice guys. One was 19 and the other was 24. In the scene they try to play a prank on me and it goes terribly wrong. After their mishap I come running to physically "thank" them for allowing me the opportunity to be the recipient of their mischievous prank. I really liked the guys but had to separate from them before shooting. Some actors use the "method" style and others use the "character" style of acting. I subscribe to Uta Hagen's notion that acting is a combination of both. Note to the actor "wannabe," books by Hagen, Lee Strasberg and Constantin Stanislavsky are great reads and amazing tools to help develop skills. I am obviously a novice, but greatly appreciate reading the books and articles these acting gurus have contributed to the profession. I especially adore Uta Hagen.
To paraphrase Hagen's approach to a character, it is better to be yourself in the role of the character instead of trying to act like a stereotype of the character. Drawing on your own past life experiences and emotions makes a character more believable than trying to think like someone you are not. By combining method and character acting a more complete authentic performance is created. I really learned a lot from the many "extras" roles I have had because the physical movements of a character are equal to, or sometimes more important than, the lines they spit out.
I was feeling great about my first mortgage paying job and was supposed to be angry. I have 3 daughters and I asked my two co-actors if they were dating. What kind of women do they like? What was the craziest relationship they were in? Then I took those answers and applied them to the image of them dating my daughters. The two fine young men I was giggling with moments before, now felt the ire of a father. Mission accomplished. I also reflected on missing my youngest daughters' 11th birthday. I was catapulted into pissed off in an instant. The pain and rejection, isolation and hopelessness I felt when trapped in my addiction have become useful tools for channeling a feel into a character. The different personalities I use in my comedy performances also have been very helpful in acting.
Prior to the commercial I had only worked on films and television programs. There, a director has a vision and calls the shots and directs the path he wants the actor to follow. In a commercial you have the director's vision and the ad agency client's, both combining and colliding to create the desired message the spot is supposed to deliver. The director wants it like this. No! The client wants this. You do a scene as told and then are told to do it differently. I had no idea the clients were sitting on location. They were holed up in a room watching the shooting on closed screen monitors and passing on tips and recommendations to the film crew for each take. My first solo scene took 8 takes. I was frustrated because I was doing the scene as layed out by the director. As he became frustrated with me I didn't realize then that the clients were changing things as we went. Note to the new actor: if your feelings are easily hurt or you can't take criticism, this is not the life for you.
My second scene I did in one take. I was thrilled and so was the crew because we were shooting outside in 17 degree temperatures. My final scene was with myself and the other two principal actors. My anger toward them was genuine as I thought of them around my daughters and exacting my revenge for their ill conceived prank they were playing on me. The final shot is called the "Martini shot." This is a cue to the actors and crew that it is the end of the day. The term explains itself. We then recorded some "wild" audio. That is where the principals record audio of lines in different tones and emotions to be inserted into the film later.
I really enjoyed the waiting, the filming, the standing around and camaraderie that fills a set. For the hours you are together, you are a family. The cast of characters and personalities are diverse and amusing. I loved everything about it and was wiped out by the time I got home. As I drove home through the icy snow pelting my car, I reflected on my day and took pride in knowing I was now a professional actor. I made more money doing that spot than all of my comedy appearances combined. I thanked God for giving me the talent to do a good job and was grateful to be a part of "show biz". I don't think that I would recommend it to just anyone. Actors are an odd but driven lot. There are lots of unpaid gigs learning the ropes, but the drive to perform is powerful. Well paying jobs are few and far between and it isn't as easy as it looks. For me I'm all in! I have found something I have a great passion for.
My wife has been calling me a drama queen for years! The queen part is a slam but I know I can be a big, dumb baby sometimes. As for the drama part I love it and will continue to compliment it with my comedy. The more sober I get, the more I appreciate my life and the new experiences sobriety brings. I am no longer afraid to try for fear of failure or success. Edison failed thousands of times before he got the light bulb right. All of our life experiences combined only make us wiser and more prepared for whatever gig God has planned for us in every today we live. Enjoy TODAY!
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