Monday, May 30, 2011
A Beer with My Dad a Lesson for Me....
There are certain concepts that I, as a recovering addict, have to keep at the forefront of my thinking if I am to maintain my sobriety. The most important one is to remember at all times that I am just one drink or drug away from the hell I went through for nearly 28 years. When I wake up in the morning I ask God to get into my head before I do because if I get in first it can be a very long and difficult day.
It doesn't mean that I am going to drink or take a drug. It does mean that addiction is a thinking problem. More specifically it is an over thinking problem. At least for me it is. If I wake up and get my melon into overdrive before my first tinkle, the day is likely to be filled with worry, anxiety, frustration, fear, anger, resentment and all the negative emotions that drove my addiction and depression for years.
I used to escape me, not you. Although I don't use any longer I still find myself following me wherever I go. I have had to forge a new relationship with me based on the things I have learned in recovery. My life is for the most part exactly what I want it to be. I am grateful to be alive and thriving in the acting and comedy world, something that was impossible while using. More importantly, I am a trusted friend, husband, father and son. I also try to help others find their way to the gift of sobriety that I have been given so freely.
That being said, I love days when I am just about to crawl under my Scooby Doo sheets and I realize that I went the whole day NOT realizing I was an addict, alcoholic or depression sufferer. In other words, I made it through the day like an earthling! How cool is that?! It doesn't mean that I take my disease for granted. It means I am getting stronger in my sobriety. I spent 28 years using. It will take the rest of my life untwisting the mess inside my head and those I tried to rewire along the way.
Yesterday was the paradox of that feeling. If you watched the video I posted above, Squeaky and I went to Abraham Lincoln National Cemetery yesterday to "have a beer with my Dad." I stopped at the liquor store and was thrilled that the one I visited allowed for the purchase of just one. It has been two and a half years since I have purchased alcohol and it really had no effect on me. I was on a mission to get my dad a beer. My family knows I am McGyver-like in my focus when there is a mission at hand.
The funny side note to that was I stopped at the local corner store to try to get a can earlier in the morning, having forgotten the Sunday selling restrictions, and the store owner looked at me cockeyed when I asked what time they were open for liquor sales. I quickly said it was for my Dad. I am surprised they stayed in business after I quit the stuff. I know their profits went way down for sure!
The memorial was beautiful. It stopped raining long enough for us to toast Pops. The birds were singing and he has a great view of the forest and a pavilion where they honor the latest Vet to be interred there. In an ironic twist he is right next to a soldier named Jones, my wife's maiden name. That soldier was only 46 years old.
As I spilled the frothy beer into the gravel, the earth seemed to gulp it down with vigor. The soldiers all had a sip along with my dad. As I said my goodbyes I could smell the beer on my hands and it brought memories flooding into my mind; some good, many bad. The good ones were of the many laughs I had with my dad over a few cold ones at many a Bear game and when I worked for him. The bad was for the months, and at one time years, I missed in my alcoholic fog that we didn't speak because he couldn't bare to see me self-destruct.
There was no sadness in the time with him. I spent many hours with him at the end of his life making up for those lost years. I am at peace with my past mainly because I can not change it. I have learned from it and know what not to do so I don't have to live it again. I always like to point out in my blog that I am not anti-alcohol or anti-anything. It's just not for me because I can't stop once I get rolling. One is too many and a thousand isn't enough.
Squeaky chuckled as I wiped my hands in the grass to get the smell off my hands. It was like I was trying to wipe bird poop off my hands. My few moments of discomfort were worth the symbolic enjoyment I am sure my dad got out of that beer. He was probably laughing at me with his unit in heaven while I squished my nose at my skunky, beer soaked hands.
I know how he must have felt during those lost years when he didn't know where I was but knew I was hurting and slowly destroying myself. My middle daughter hasn't been around in a week. She dropped our son off today and didn't even stop in to say hi. She had a hangover. She is lost, but she's an adult. There is little I can do. I can be grateful for my sobriety, pray and have the confidence and faith that I will be of clear mind to help her when she's ready for it. My dad was there when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'll be there for her too.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Navy, One Brief Chapter and a Tribute to Those Who Fight for Freedom.
Shortly before turning 40 in 2004 I joined the United States Naval Reserves, based out of Great Lakes Naval Station, Great Lakes, Illinois. Assigned to command NPSTRU 1326, Unit 87740, I came in at a Rank of SA(SN). The unit is made up of men and women who did not serve in the NAVY or RESERVE. Once you are trained you are attached to a unit and the ships, bullets and wars are the same. I had almost joined the Army at 18 but my family convinced me to try college first. At forty the Navy was the only branch that took an enlisting man of my age. This has changed as the wars of Iraq and Afghanistan have stretched the regular troops and Guard thin.
I scored very high on my ASVAB test and rushed for entry. I was not attached to a specific job specialty as my test score was so high. I went in general classification. I was in the complete grip of my over indulgence for booze and depression and was hammered when I signed on the line for Uncle Sam. My recruiter was a good man. His job is to recruit sailors, not smell their breath. I answered his questions honestly about the many broken bones, mishaps and dark spots I had encountered along the way to that day. He helped me fill out the paperwork in an acceptably worded manner.
I was in no physical or psychological shape to be a sailor. My heart was! I was not pro-war. In fact I was anti-war and pro-freedom. I do love America! At that time I thought we were spending too much treasure on Iraq and not enough on Afghanistan. After all, that is where those responsible for the 911 attack had come from. I also knew that there was oil and strategic advantages to a war in Iraq. That is one of the sad facts of war. They are fought for ideals and additional contingencies. No matter what you think about it, we all like to drive cars and Iraq is right next to Iran, a genuine threat under the current regime. I was joining to help protect the freedom of my son's sons.
I reported and was thrown head first into military life. Most of the officers were younger than me. A few of them saluted me thinking I was an officer in my Civies. The base was like a self contained town. You didn't need to leave the gated area to find a pizza, bowling alley, bar or a bottle. I found a few of those. They put you up in hotel-like rooms instead of barracks for monthly training. I would drink enough to get my nerves satisfied but not too much that I couldn't handle PT or classroom study the next day.
Running was almost impossible. I have broken my right ankle 3 times and my left knee is shot from sports. My panic attacks were occurring regularly and I was realizing that although my patriotism was that of a 25 year old, my body was that of a 50 plus year old. That was due to the abuse I had put it through. I stuck it out for a year. At some point along the way I realized I could not handle it physically or emotionally. I also didn't want to put a brother sailor or soldier at risk because I wasn't up for the mission and was falling apart upstairs and downstairs.
I called my recruiter and explained that the ankle and physical ailments that plagued me were really taking a toll on me. The unit allowed for an administrative separation. It broke my heart. I am still technically under contract until April of 2012. This is the first time I have really spoken or wrote in detail about the experience. For a long time I felt like a failure, like I let my country down by not being able to cut it.
I know if I had been more forthright in my application they never would have taken me in the first place. To this day I am still uncertain if I am supposed to check off "veteran" or "military service" on applications. I have never tried to take advantage of any program the government offers veterans because I did not complete my contract. I left the service "honorably" by the paperwork but not by my "code book."
I am proud of that year now. I owe it to Fred Tormey, a high school friend, former U.S. Marine and current Arizona police officer. I still gave a year. I still gave it my best for that year. I took a risk that many will not or could not. My family thought I was nuts. My wife knows how I feel about this country now and forever. America is the greatest place on Earth. Our freedoms can lead us down some destructive paths but we are free. I can write this book. I can go where I please. I have the right to be me.
In my year I learned why guys re-up and go back for another tour in Hell after they just got out of it. They have left family there, dead and alive. When you are with your unit, your family becomes everyone in the units' family and vice-versa. You literally have each others backs. When one falls or leaves it creates a break in the chain that makes it feel strange or wrong for a while. I never saw action but I did see the brotherhood.
Do me a favor, not just this weekend. I do this every time I see a Vet. I don't care if you hate war. If you like your freedom, Starbucks and the right to say f**k the president, then follow my instructions. Pass this on to your kids. When you see a Vet, walk up to them no matter how young or old they are and say "Thank you for serving our country." That will mean a lot to them. Shake their hand and feel the rough grip of war. Look into the tired eyes of combat. Stop and realize that these fine young men and women are part of an all VOLUNTEER military. They are part of the greatest fighting force protecting the FREEDOM of not only the USA, but giving hope to millions around the world.
God Bless America and the World.
I scored very high on my ASVAB test and rushed for entry. I was not attached to a specific job specialty as my test score was so high. I went in general classification. I was in the complete grip of my over indulgence for booze and depression and was hammered when I signed on the line for Uncle Sam. My recruiter was a good man. His job is to recruit sailors, not smell their breath. I answered his questions honestly about the many broken bones, mishaps and dark spots I had encountered along the way to that day. He helped me fill out the paperwork in an acceptably worded manner.
I was in no physical or psychological shape to be a sailor. My heart was! I was not pro-war. In fact I was anti-war and pro-freedom. I do love America! At that time I thought we were spending too much treasure on Iraq and not enough on Afghanistan. After all, that is where those responsible for the 911 attack had come from. I also knew that there was oil and strategic advantages to a war in Iraq. That is one of the sad facts of war. They are fought for ideals and additional contingencies. No matter what you think about it, we all like to drive cars and Iraq is right next to Iran, a genuine threat under the current regime. I was joining to help protect the freedom of my son's sons.
I reported and was thrown head first into military life. Most of the officers were younger than me. A few of them saluted me thinking I was an officer in my Civies. The base was like a self contained town. You didn't need to leave the gated area to find a pizza, bowling alley, bar or a bottle. I found a few of those. They put you up in hotel-like rooms instead of barracks for monthly training. I would drink enough to get my nerves satisfied but not too much that I couldn't handle PT or classroom study the next day.
Running was almost impossible. I have broken my right ankle 3 times and my left knee is shot from sports. My panic attacks were occurring regularly and I was realizing that although my patriotism was that of a 25 year old, my body was that of a 50 plus year old. That was due to the abuse I had put it through. I stuck it out for a year. At some point along the way I realized I could not handle it physically or emotionally. I also didn't want to put a brother sailor or soldier at risk because I wasn't up for the mission and was falling apart upstairs and downstairs.
I called my recruiter and explained that the ankle and physical ailments that plagued me were really taking a toll on me. The unit allowed for an administrative separation. It broke my heart. I am still technically under contract until April of 2012. This is the first time I have really spoken or wrote in detail about the experience. For a long time I felt like a failure, like I let my country down by not being able to cut it.
I know if I had been more forthright in my application they never would have taken me in the first place. To this day I am still uncertain if I am supposed to check off "veteran" or "military service" on applications. I have never tried to take advantage of any program the government offers veterans because I did not complete my contract. I left the service "honorably" by the paperwork but not by my "code book."
I am proud of that year now. I owe it to Fred Tormey, a high school friend, former U.S. Marine and current Arizona police officer. I still gave a year. I still gave it my best for that year. I took a risk that many will not or could not. My family thought I was nuts. My wife knows how I feel about this country now and forever. America is the greatest place on Earth. Our freedoms can lead us down some destructive paths but we are free. I can write this book. I can go where I please. I have the right to be me.
In my year I learned why guys re-up and go back for another tour in Hell after they just got out of it. They have left family there, dead and alive. When you are with your unit, your family becomes everyone in the units' family and vice-versa. You literally have each others backs. When one falls or leaves it creates a break in the chain that makes it feel strange or wrong for a while. I never saw action but I did see the brotherhood.
Do me a favor, not just this weekend. I do this every time I see a Vet. I don't care if you hate war. If you like your freedom, Starbucks and the right to say f**k the president, then follow my instructions. Pass this on to your kids. When you see a Vet, walk up to them no matter how young or old they are and say "Thank you for serving our country." That will mean a lot to them. Shake their hand and feel the rough grip of war. Look into the tired eyes of combat. Stop and realize that these fine young men and women are part of an all VOLUNTEER military. They are part of the greatest fighting force protecting the FREEDOM of not only the USA, but giving hope to millions around the world.
God Bless America and the World.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Married Four Times Makes Me a Marriage Expert Right?
Today is my 9th wedding anniversary to my wife Kris. Most folks know I call her Squeaky. The nickname is a reference to how she sounds, more than that of the strange woman who tried to whack President Ford, but being from Berwyn and Italian, my Squeaky is up for anything. This is my fourth marriage. Based on experience alone that makes me an expert, right?
Now that I am at the ripe young age of 45, and sober, it is a lot easier to look back on my 3 previous marriages and see where they failed. They failed because of 2 people who were not realistic about marriage and one who wasn't ever consulted. The 2 people who were not realistic were me and my addiction. The one never consulted - God.
I get a lot of heat from people saying I'm too hard on myself. I know that is true to a point. Self criticism is a problem that goes way back for me and is deeply rooted. I work on it daily. I can say that I don't use a bat any more to smack myself. It's more of the "socker-bopper" type these days. Coming from a critical upbringing, it is just a part of my being. Not passing it on to my kids is the key to breaking the chain. I am doing a pretty good job in that department. I praise my kids whenever possible. If they make a mistake I am always quick to point out the sunshine along with the clouds, not just the clouds.
That being said my first marriage lasted about 4 months. The second one lasted maybe 6. The third lasted a year, but we never lived together for a week straight. In my first year of marriage to Kris I had already surpassed the cumulative total of my previous 3 marriages. I take full responsibility for the failure of the first 3 marriages because I was not in a place of physical, emotional or spiritual well being to be married but did it anyway.
My first marriage was at age 26. My father was married to my mother at 26 and I was drinking and using speed quite heavily. I thought that by getting married I would "slow down." I thought that with marriage a switch would be flipped in my head which would turn me from an addicted boy into a responsible man. My wife to be was a great lady who wanted a wedding and had some idealistic ideas of marriage herself. She didn't fully understand the impact full time life with an alcoholic would take on her. I was functional outside but dysfunctional emotionally. To her credit, she left after 4 months.
My next two marriages were "shotgun marriages" so to speak. What I really wanted out of marriage was a child. A wife was just an addition and a means to an end of me getting what I wanted. Wife number two got pregnant, we got married, she lost the baby. We found out we were unable to have children together so that made the marriage disposable to me. She was out of there in 6 months. She is happily married now. My first wife went on to have a family of her own and I had the pleasure of meeting her son. I am happy for the both of them and grateful that they escaped me and my addiction.
Wife 3 and I were married for about a year but never lived together for a week straight. She got pregnant and lost the child. I married her before the miscarriage out of manufactured nobility and ended up empty handed. By the end of the marriage she did give me a beautiful daughter, but they have since disappeared. Kelly pops in and out of my life. She is 11 and I have learned to be patient and leave things in the Lord's hands when it comes to seeing her. I know that she is getting to the age where I hope she is getting more curious about spending time or talking to Dad. I used to obsess about it and it only made me sick. It will work itself out in God's time.
When I met Kris I was alcohol free but on the herbal life program. Not the healthy one. Since I was still using mind altering chemicals I wasn't growing emotionally or at least not as fast as I could have been if I was completely clean. She came with a ready made family so I jumped in and tried to fix things. One of an addict's or a man's biggest challenge is that we always feel the need to fix or advise, even when fixing or advising hasn't been requested or isn't needed.
The first few years were rough. The first one the roughest. We spent 3 years together before we got married. I was scared and I think she was too. It gave us both a chance to grow. 12 years together, I can say that we really are best friends. Here are some of my observations on my marriage and why it works. I've also thrown in some general observations about marriage that I have surmised over the last few years.
1. When you see a couple and think that they never have a disagreement about anything, ever. This couple either doesn't talk, has separate bedrooms, one is a pushover, they don't talk, one is a pushover or they don't talk.
2. I don't need to be right. For years I did. What the hell do I achieve by being right? I prefer peace to right. Being able to say I am wrong gives me a lot more peace and satisfaction in my house than gloating over when I am right.
3. Just because I think that clearing the blinking time from the microwave, putting the dishes in the dishwasher in a particular order and wiping the water spots from the sink is stupid, the extra 30 seconds it takes for me to do these things to make my wife happy, is worth more than the grief I get from pointing out how silly it is. Am I the expert on silly and sane? I think not!
4. When my wife gives me 2 choices of what she should wear to a function I pick the one I don't want her to wear. This ensures that she will undoubtedly wear the other one: the one I want her to wear.
5. I don't have to fix her problems after work unless directly asked. Usually she wants me to sit like one of those plastic dogs with the bobbing heads while she vents. If I jump in and try to fix stuff, I'm done. The head bob and occasional ummm hmmm works perfectly here.
6. Sometimes even when I'm right, and I have been hurt, it's better to bite the bullet and move on than to waste the day on a silly fight. Life's too short for pouting.
7. Shoe shopping with my wife is a sure way to show her I love her and a great way to grow my patience with her and Vera Wang. I dislike shopping.
8. Shopping is when you go in a store and buy something. Looking is when you go in to stores and look at things. I don't like when my wife takes me looking. Shopping is okay...sometimes.
9. Sometimes the best thing to do is hit the pause button and walk away. There comes a time in a relationship when the discomfort of disharmony becomes stronger than the argument. We argue about dumb stuff like wrapping paper and what kind of cheese to buy, not money and the kids. Fix it and move on. I get heartburn from disharmony. Life's too short for heartburn.
10. God is at the center of our relationship. That has made it all work.
Now that I am at the ripe young age of 45, and sober, it is a lot easier to look back on my 3 previous marriages and see where they failed. They failed because of 2 people who were not realistic about marriage and one who wasn't ever consulted. The 2 people who were not realistic were me and my addiction. The one never consulted - God.
I get a lot of heat from people saying I'm too hard on myself. I know that is true to a point. Self criticism is a problem that goes way back for me and is deeply rooted. I work on it daily. I can say that I don't use a bat any more to smack myself. It's more of the "socker-bopper" type these days. Coming from a critical upbringing, it is just a part of my being. Not passing it on to my kids is the key to breaking the chain. I am doing a pretty good job in that department. I praise my kids whenever possible. If they make a mistake I am always quick to point out the sunshine along with the clouds, not just the clouds.
That being said my first marriage lasted about 4 months. The second one lasted maybe 6. The third lasted a year, but we never lived together for a week straight. In my first year of marriage to Kris I had already surpassed the cumulative total of my previous 3 marriages. I take full responsibility for the failure of the first 3 marriages because I was not in a place of physical, emotional or spiritual well being to be married but did it anyway.
My first marriage was at age 26. My father was married to my mother at 26 and I was drinking and using speed quite heavily. I thought that by getting married I would "slow down." I thought that with marriage a switch would be flipped in my head which would turn me from an addicted boy into a responsible man. My wife to be was a great lady who wanted a wedding and had some idealistic ideas of marriage herself. She didn't fully understand the impact full time life with an alcoholic would take on her. I was functional outside but dysfunctional emotionally. To her credit, she left after 4 months.
My next two marriages were "shotgun marriages" so to speak. What I really wanted out of marriage was a child. A wife was just an addition and a means to an end of me getting what I wanted. Wife number two got pregnant, we got married, she lost the baby. We found out we were unable to have children together so that made the marriage disposable to me. She was out of there in 6 months. She is happily married now. My first wife went on to have a family of her own and I had the pleasure of meeting her son. I am happy for the both of them and grateful that they escaped me and my addiction.
Wife 3 and I were married for about a year but never lived together for a week straight. She got pregnant and lost the child. I married her before the miscarriage out of manufactured nobility and ended up empty handed. By the end of the marriage she did give me a beautiful daughter, but they have since disappeared. Kelly pops in and out of my life. She is 11 and I have learned to be patient and leave things in the Lord's hands when it comes to seeing her. I know that she is getting to the age where I hope she is getting more curious about spending time or talking to Dad. I used to obsess about it and it only made me sick. It will work itself out in God's time.
When I met Kris I was alcohol free but on the herbal life program. Not the healthy one. Since I was still using mind altering chemicals I wasn't growing emotionally or at least not as fast as I could have been if I was completely clean. She came with a ready made family so I jumped in and tried to fix things. One of an addict's or a man's biggest challenge is that we always feel the need to fix or advise, even when fixing or advising hasn't been requested or isn't needed.
The first few years were rough. The first one the roughest. We spent 3 years together before we got married. I was scared and I think she was too. It gave us both a chance to grow. 12 years together, I can say that we really are best friends. Here are some of my observations on my marriage and why it works. I've also thrown in some general observations about marriage that I have surmised over the last few years.
1. When you see a couple and think that they never have a disagreement about anything, ever. This couple either doesn't talk, has separate bedrooms, one is a pushover, they don't talk, one is a pushover or they don't talk.
2. I don't need to be right. For years I did. What the hell do I achieve by being right? I prefer peace to right. Being able to say I am wrong gives me a lot more peace and satisfaction in my house than gloating over when I am right.
3. Just because I think that clearing the blinking time from the microwave, putting the dishes in the dishwasher in a particular order and wiping the water spots from the sink is stupid, the extra 30 seconds it takes for me to do these things to make my wife happy, is worth more than the grief I get from pointing out how silly it is. Am I the expert on silly and sane? I think not!
4. When my wife gives me 2 choices of what she should wear to a function I pick the one I don't want her to wear. This ensures that she will undoubtedly wear the other one: the one I want her to wear.
5. I don't have to fix her problems after work unless directly asked. Usually she wants me to sit like one of those plastic dogs with the bobbing heads while she vents. If I jump in and try to fix stuff, I'm done. The head bob and occasional ummm hmmm works perfectly here.
6. Sometimes even when I'm right, and I have been hurt, it's better to bite the bullet and move on than to waste the day on a silly fight. Life's too short for pouting.
7. Shoe shopping with my wife is a sure way to show her I love her and a great way to grow my patience with her and Vera Wang. I dislike shopping.
8. Shopping is when you go in a store and buy something. Looking is when you go in to stores and look at things. I don't like when my wife takes me looking. Shopping is okay...sometimes.
9. Sometimes the best thing to do is hit the pause button and walk away. There comes a time in a relationship when the discomfort of disharmony becomes stronger than the argument. We argue about dumb stuff like wrapping paper and what kind of cheese to buy, not money and the kids. Fix it and move on. I get heartburn from disharmony. Life's too short for heartburn.
10. God is at the center of our relationship. That has made it all work.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Parenting Rule #1...Roll The Dice, Guide Them Along, and Pray and ALOT!
Every generation blames the next as being lazy and having it too easy. I know my grandparents said it to my folks. My folks said it to me. I think my kids, our kids, have it too easy. They have no sense of identity, have too much information to process and I think we are partly to blame.
We all want the best for our kids. We want it to be better for them growing up. I have to admit I have spoiled my kids with material things. Partly to keep up with "The Jones's," partly because we didn't keep up with "The Jones's" when I was a boy, partly because my alcoholism made me emotionally unavailable, so it was convenient to buy my way into their hearts and out of sticky situations.
My intentions were good but I know the road to hell is paved with those according to Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. What I never realized in my "good intentions" were the other forces and influences of society that were working alongside my philosophy. I sit here today genuinely concerned about my children and the youth of our country as a whole. Based on that I have concern for the country as a whole.
When I was a kid we got a whack if we were out of line. We lived! We didn't get pummeled, just a little ear flick for attention. Nowadays I could lose my kids and be labeled a child abuser for just that same ear flick. Was your parent a child abuser? I have not hit my kids. Squeaky and I are new age parents mixing parenting with friendship. 12 years into our relationship I sometimes question that methodology.
My mom had no problem yelling at us in the store if we were out of line. Today, when we see a parent do that, we frown upon them like they are heartless and evil. I sometimes do this too. Sometimes I see the kid is completely out of control and remember the ear flick. In my desire to become my kids' friend I think the line has been blurred between who the parent is and who the child is. I know there is a stage in all teens when the parent is a witless fool by their summation, but I am really worried about them right now.
I caught my son in a lie the other day. It was a serious lie and he ended up confessing the truth. He commented to me that he should have told a different lie, then the first lie wouldn't have gotten him in trouble. I was floored. He also told me that his grades are good and he helps around the house so I should cut him a break. I did cut him the break. However, I did explain to him that a well dressed, pleasantly mannered bank robber makes him no kinder the thief. He also got an additional ration of chores to think about my analogy.
When I was a kid I stayed outside until the street lights came on and then I went running home like a mad man to escape the wrath of my mom for being late. My kids walk in right on the money for curfew. I am grateful they keep it. When they miss it by 15 minutes they say it's no big deal. I say that's why they have that neat little cell phone in their pocket. As for going out, the kids live indoors online or in video game world. I can't say I wouldn't do the same but it freaks me out.
I see more and more anger, violence, anti-social behavior, disassociation, a complete disregard for the feelings and property of strangers and a lack of social skills in the kids of today. That's most of them, mine included. My eldest daughter dove into books, art and culture and I thought we were off to easy street. My other kids only read when required by their class. It's not that I haven't been a good example. I am usually reading 3 at a time. Art is only cool if it's from a skater brand or energy drink. The TV of choice glamorizes sex, freeloading, partying, destruction of self and to others and a why work for it mentality.
If you look at the movies of today they revolve around super heroes. That sounds great and everybody knows I love cartoons. I also loved real movies as a kid; inspiring ones like "Rocky" and "Brian's Song." The whole society seems to be based on fantasy now. As a recovering addict, even I am freaked out by the street and legal drugs out there. You can by bath salts to inhale and energy drinks that are really liquid speed. You can get synthetic Xanax at the cigarette store and all this stuff is legal. They are supplements, not regulated by the FDA. It's Capitalism at its finest. It's death for a dollar.
I know we all go through these seasons from time to time as parents. I pray. OH DO I PRAY! It's hard to know exactly what to pray for. Is it for my kids to have good sense? Is it for them to make the right choices? Is it for the world to change? Is it for me to change? Is it for all of the above? Really, it's for me to trust God and give me the strength to trust him all the time, not just when things are going my way. My relationship with him has to be "ALL IN" or I will drive myself mad and things will work out the way he intended them anyway.
We all want the best for our kids. We want it to be better for them growing up. I have to admit I have spoiled my kids with material things. Partly to keep up with "The Jones's," partly because we didn't keep up with "The Jones's" when I was a boy, partly because my alcoholism made me emotionally unavailable, so it was convenient to buy my way into their hearts and out of sticky situations.
My intentions were good but I know the road to hell is paved with those according to Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. What I never realized in my "good intentions" were the other forces and influences of society that were working alongside my philosophy. I sit here today genuinely concerned about my children and the youth of our country as a whole. Based on that I have concern for the country as a whole.
When I was a kid we got a whack if we were out of line. We lived! We didn't get pummeled, just a little ear flick for attention. Nowadays I could lose my kids and be labeled a child abuser for just that same ear flick. Was your parent a child abuser? I have not hit my kids. Squeaky and I are new age parents mixing parenting with friendship. 12 years into our relationship I sometimes question that methodology.
My mom had no problem yelling at us in the store if we were out of line. Today, when we see a parent do that, we frown upon them like they are heartless and evil. I sometimes do this too. Sometimes I see the kid is completely out of control and remember the ear flick. In my desire to become my kids' friend I think the line has been blurred between who the parent is and who the child is. I know there is a stage in all teens when the parent is a witless fool by their summation, but I am really worried about them right now.
I caught my son in a lie the other day. It was a serious lie and he ended up confessing the truth. He commented to me that he should have told a different lie, then the first lie wouldn't have gotten him in trouble. I was floored. He also told me that his grades are good and he helps around the house so I should cut him a break. I did cut him the break. However, I did explain to him that a well dressed, pleasantly mannered bank robber makes him no kinder the thief. He also got an additional ration of chores to think about my analogy.
When I was a kid I stayed outside until the street lights came on and then I went running home like a mad man to escape the wrath of my mom for being late. My kids walk in right on the money for curfew. I am grateful they keep it. When they miss it by 15 minutes they say it's no big deal. I say that's why they have that neat little cell phone in their pocket. As for going out, the kids live indoors online or in video game world. I can't say I wouldn't do the same but it freaks me out.
I see more and more anger, violence, anti-social behavior, disassociation, a complete disregard for the feelings and property of strangers and a lack of social skills in the kids of today. That's most of them, mine included. My eldest daughter dove into books, art and culture and I thought we were off to easy street. My other kids only read when required by their class. It's not that I haven't been a good example. I am usually reading 3 at a time. Art is only cool if it's from a skater brand or energy drink. The TV of choice glamorizes sex, freeloading, partying, destruction of self and to others and a why work for it mentality.
If you look at the movies of today they revolve around super heroes. That sounds great and everybody knows I love cartoons. I also loved real movies as a kid; inspiring ones like "Rocky" and "Brian's Song." The whole society seems to be based on fantasy now. As a recovering addict, even I am freaked out by the street and legal drugs out there. You can by bath salts to inhale and energy drinks that are really liquid speed. You can get synthetic Xanax at the cigarette store and all this stuff is legal. They are supplements, not regulated by the FDA. It's Capitalism at its finest. It's death for a dollar.
I know we all go through these seasons from time to time as parents. I pray. OH DO I PRAY! It's hard to know exactly what to pray for. Is it for my kids to have good sense? Is it for them to make the right choices? Is it for the world to change? Is it for me to change? Is it for all of the above? Really, it's for me to trust God and give me the strength to trust him all the time, not just when things are going my way. My relationship with him has to be "ALL IN" or I will drive myself mad and things will work out the way he intended them anyway.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
It's the End of the World As We Know IT... and I Feel Fine.
The title of the chapter is a reference to the 1980's hit song by REM. The classic is filled with references from Lenny Bruce to Leonard Bernstein. It's a fun song and makes you smile when you hear it. Most folks mumble the words but shout "Leonard Bernstein" in unison, glad they got a part of the tune right. The words used here are in reference to the world ending yesterday May 21, 2011. It was my wife's birthday.The only way the world was ending yesterday was if the carrot cake was terrible or we couldn't make a Skype call to our daughter in Germany.
Throughout the week I have been getting invitations to "Rapture" parties and "End of the world" get togethers. I found it mildly amusing in the beginning. In my party days those would be perfect reasons for getting a good buzz on. I hope not to offend anyone who went to a party like these but it made me think. Did you stop at any point in the night and ask yourself where you'll go if the world ends? It also makes me think of who is behind these arbitrary or astrologically planned events - God or the Devil.
Next year the parties are going to increase. I am sure there will be some suicides like in Y2K. Some will empty bank accounts and break wedding vows on their last hurrah. I have to admit that the Mayan calendar and the Chinese prophesies all lining up to 2012 as the end of the road are quite intriguing. I loved the movie with John Cusack. I have firm belief in intelligent life beyond Earth but that's where my conspiracy theory ends.
I do not think John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, or Sirhan Sirhan acted alone in their deeds. I also don't think that the creator of the cosmos is going to set a date for our destruction like he's planning a tea party. In paraphrasing, when the disciples asked Jesus when they would see him again he didn't say May 21, 2011 or any specific date. He said that only his Father knew and be ready. To think that the maker of Heaven, Earth and all that lay in between is going to come down like a circus coming to town on a set date is appalling
Every day is a gift. It is also a chance to get right with our God, our loved ones and ourselves. By living with the knowledge that Jesus could return any day, and any day we may breathe our last breath, we may learn to see things from a more appreciative perspective. There are clearly signs to see that God is coming. There are also plenty of them that the Devil is here too. Why do we praise God when something good comes our way and question him when he doesn't deliver? We are all fools not to believe in the Devil. We say the Devil made me do it! Maybe he did. Maybe he gave you that good thing too. Maybe he didn't deliver what you so desperately wanted. Maybe God had nothing to do with your new Coach bag.
God says yes. God says no! The Devil says no. The Devil says yes! We are so quick to say there is no God and so dismissive of the dark forces working in our world. How do Atheists feel about the Devil? I really don't know. If you don't think much about the Devil, or believe he's trying to deceive you, he's working perfectly on you. There is light. There is darkness. If you believe in God your faith will be stronger than the Devil but he will want you even more. He hates believers. He loathes prayers and those active in faith.
I know I am going to heaven. I know Jesus is the Son of God and died for MY sins. I also know there is a Devil. I have to recognize when he is trying to work his way into my world and our world. He loves pain, fear, insecurity, anxiety, low self esteem, anger and criticism. He is thrilled when you feel so bad. He tries to get you farther from the light and the truth when you're at your weakest point. When you feel all of those same things God is reaching his hand out to lift you from the pit, the miry clay and set you upon solid rock.
I know this chapter sounds like a rant. It may be. I am tired of God taking all the beatings for what's wrong in this world and the Devil getting a pass or us not looking into our own mirror for the culprit of our misery. God would not be a loving caring creator and play with our lives like dolls. There is sickness and death in all living things. In love there is heartbreak and sadness. The Bible doesn't assure a perfect life on earth. It does assure a perfect one after we leave this here, if we believe, no matter what the date.
Throughout the week I have been getting invitations to "Rapture" parties and "End of the world" get togethers. I found it mildly amusing in the beginning. In my party days those would be perfect reasons for getting a good buzz on. I hope not to offend anyone who went to a party like these but it made me think. Did you stop at any point in the night and ask yourself where you'll go if the world ends? It also makes me think of who is behind these arbitrary or astrologically planned events - God or the Devil.
Next year the parties are going to increase. I am sure there will be some suicides like in Y2K. Some will empty bank accounts and break wedding vows on their last hurrah. I have to admit that the Mayan calendar and the Chinese prophesies all lining up to 2012 as the end of the road are quite intriguing. I loved the movie with John Cusack. I have firm belief in intelligent life beyond Earth but that's where my conspiracy theory ends.
I do not think John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, or Sirhan Sirhan acted alone in their deeds. I also don't think that the creator of the cosmos is going to set a date for our destruction like he's planning a tea party. In paraphrasing, when the disciples asked Jesus when they would see him again he didn't say May 21, 2011 or any specific date. He said that only his Father knew and be ready. To think that the maker of Heaven, Earth and all that lay in between is going to come down like a circus coming to town on a set date is appalling
Every day is a gift. It is also a chance to get right with our God, our loved ones and ourselves. By living with the knowledge that Jesus could return any day, and any day we may breathe our last breath, we may learn to see things from a more appreciative perspective. There are clearly signs to see that God is coming. There are also plenty of them that the Devil is here too. Why do we praise God when something good comes our way and question him when he doesn't deliver? We are all fools not to believe in the Devil. We say the Devil made me do it! Maybe he did. Maybe he gave you that good thing too. Maybe he didn't deliver what you so desperately wanted. Maybe God had nothing to do with your new Coach bag.
God says yes. God says no! The Devil says no. The Devil says yes! We are so quick to say there is no God and so dismissive of the dark forces working in our world. How do Atheists feel about the Devil? I really don't know. If you don't think much about the Devil, or believe he's trying to deceive you, he's working perfectly on you. There is light. There is darkness. If you believe in God your faith will be stronger than the Devil but he will want you even more. He hates believers. He loathes prayers and those active in faith.
I know I am going to heaven. I know Jesus is the Son of God and died for MY sins. I also know there is a Devil. I have to recognize when he is trying to work his way into my world and our world. He loves pain, fear, insecurity, anxiety, low self esteem, anger and criticism. He is thrilled when you feel so bad. He tries to get you farther from the light and the truth when you're at your weakest point. When you feel all of those same things God is reaching his hand out to lift you from the pit, the miry clay and set you upon solid rock.
I know this chapter sounds like a rant. It may be. I am tired of God taking all the beatings for what's wrong in this world and the Devil getting a pass or us not looking into our own mirror for the culprit of our misery. God would not be a loving caring creator and play with our lives like dolls. There is sickness and death in all living things. In love there is heartbreak and sadness. The Bible doesn't assure a perfect life on earth. It does assure a perfect one after we leave this here, if we believe, no matter what the date.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Hi....It's Me....
Hi.
It's Me.
You left here mad last night.
I know you hurt.
I know it's worse to be reminded.
You said you were okay, just glad to have someone to listen to you.
We were glad you talked.
We will always listen to YOU.
Not to THAT...
You didn't make it home last night,
Nor to school today.
I know, too tired to drive, or maybe up all night.
You are 18.
You are an adult.
We love YOU and always will.
THAT can't poison our love for you.
We will do anything to help you...help you.
We will not let you do THAT you choose.
Your choices are yours.
We hope YOU are home soon.....
Hi
It's me.
I sit here mad right now.
I am hurt by her pain.
I have felt it before.
I know you have to.
I know there is little I can do.
That is except, trust you, and pray for her.
I want so badly to spare her from the misery I endured.
I am glad that I have you to talk to.
I know you are always there to listen.
The lessons you teach aren't always directed to me.
I learn from all of them though.
There is no comparing the sacrifice of your Son to the struggles of my daughter.
I know I love her with the deepest love that you created.
I have faith that you will help us all weather this storm.
I ask that you watch over her.
Give her strength.
Fill her heart with hope.
Deliver HER back to us before THAT takes her.
Give me YOUR wisdom, YOUR strength and YOUR grace to handle whatever your plans may be.
Amen
It's Me.
You left here mad last night.
I know you hurt.
I know it's worse to be reminded.
You said you were okay, just glad to have someone to listen to you.
We were glad you talked.
We will always listen to YOU.
Not to THAT...
You didn't make it home last night,
Nor to school today.
I know, too tired to drive, or maybe up all night.
You are 18.
You are an adult.
We love YOU and always will.
THAT can't poison our love for you.
We will do anything to help you...help you.
We will not let you do THAT you choose.
Your choices are yours.
We hope YOU are home soon.....
Hi
It's me.
I sit here mad right now.
I am hurt by her pain.
I have felt it before.
I know you have to.
I know there is little I can do.
That is except, trust you, and pray for her.
I want so badly to spare her from the misery I endured.
I am glad that I have you to talk to.
I know you are always there to listen.
The lessons you teach aren't always directed to me.
I learn from all of them though.
There is no comparing the sacrifice of your Son to the struggles of my daughter.
I know I love her with the deepest love that you created.
I have faith that you will help us all weather this storm.
I ask that you watch over her.
Give her strength.
Fill her heart with hope.
Deliver HER back to us before THAT takes her.
Give me YOUR wisdom, YOUR strength and YOUR grace to handle whatever your plans may be.
Amen
Monday, May 16, 2011
Doors Open...Windows Close...Sometimes on My Fingers!
In addiction recovery the focus is to live your life in the moment from day to day. Yesterdays' are filled with loss and regret. Tomorrows littered with uncertainty and anxiety. When I first got sober I thought it was a silly concept. Now I find it perfectly delightful. Whether you're an addict or an earthling you really don't know when the great lotto ball caller is gonna pick your number. Staying in the now makes me enjoy the simplicity of existence, the beauty of just being a part of the landscape, something I savor.
My life is just like those Gobstoppers. When I am grateful for the blessings that come my way and realize how truly good I have it, I've got it made. It's when I analyze and try to control that the world becomes purple, yellow and red, distorted by my forcing myself upon the universe and what I WANT that things get crazy and I get crazy along with them. God made such a beautiful world and saved me a million times from destroying myself but every once in a while I seem to feel the need to jump up and try to adjust the picture for Him. He opens doors and closes windows. I sometimes leave my fingers in the sill when the pane comes crashing down. That's His way of reminding me that He's doing just fine without me.
I auditioned for a movie last week called "Altered." It is a horror/thriller and I was up for a role as a cop. Most of you know that I have a look about me that is, let's say "not nurturing." What the hell! I look like I'm pissed off a lot. That comes from 28 years of addiction, living in the street and running with some rough crowds. It is what it is. As a result I get cast as bad guys, mafia types, angry guys, etc. I don't know why that bothers me. Jack Palance, Robert Englund and Vincent Price did pretty well at being dark figures. In my recovery, just a part of me wants to be the good guy, the hero, the one everybody is happy to see.
Well, the audition went horribly! I tried to act like the character instead of me being the character. That is how I have had success in the past. Let's face it. I was an addict and alcoholic for 28 dark years. Who am I going to portray more accurately? Richie Cunningham or Otis the Drunk? Facts are facts. I did get to work with Kely McClung from Vampire Diaries and Blood Ties. His direction was good. My acting was bad. Barney Rubble could do Hamlet compared to me that day. Oh well!
Wait, it gets worse! I emailed Imoto Harney, the producer and assistant director, to say I could come back in and audition for the junkie, homeless guy and street freak that were being cast in the film. Yep! I went back to the old comfort zone. I was taking that Gobstopper out and by golly I was gonna find a way into that movie! Well, they never called back. Imagine that. I made a fool of myself, something I am quite good at both personally and professionally.
I was heartbroken and in mourning over the loss of a friend. I was going to make life happen. His had been cut so short. Saturday I got a call from a casting director in California checking my availability for filming a week out there for a series. That week falls in the same time frame as the film I tried to force my way into. The California show also has a great message and I will get to help people with my message. God does my casting.
On top of that I met a new friend, Darren Marlar, a Christian comic who went for the same role as me and killed it! Funny how things go. I hope he gets the part. He can bring a positive message to a whole new demographic. Look him up on Facebook or Google his name. He is a fine man.
I am an alpha personality. I know you didn't have any idea of that, but I am. Most of the time it is great! That is when I am doing things the right way for the right reasons and with pure motives. When I get out there and try to "MAKE IT HAPPEN!" I get the windows of life slammed on my fingers. It will happen again. I learn from pain more than pleasure. I will continue to try too hard and fail occasionally when I over Tomify things. I heard a preacher say "You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without him." I understand that now and agree completely.
I am who I am - Popeye 1:3. That's just the way it is. I am grateful to be a part of the business of film and TV. I actually had an agent contact me from England. I hope it's not for day work! What a drive! As long as I am growing I'm doing fine. As long as I see my mistakes and fallibilities I'm fine...when the day comes that I think I'm fine.
My life is just like those Gobstoppers. When I am grateful for the blessings that come my way and realize how truly good I have it, I've got it made. It's when I analyze and try to control that the world becomes purple, yellow and red, distorted by my forcing myself upon the universe and what I WANT that things get crazy and I get crazy along with them. God made such a beautiful world and saved me a million times from destroying myself but every once in a while I seem to feel the need to jump up and try to adjust the picture for Him. He opens doors and closes windows. I sometimes leave my fingers in the sill when the pane comes crashing down. That's His way of reminding me that He's doing just fine without me.
I auditioned for a movie last week called "Altered." It is a horror/thriller and I was up for a role as a cop. Most of you know that I have a look about me that is, let's say "not nurturing." What the hell! I look like I'm pissed off a lot. That comes from 28 years of addiction, living in the street and running with some rough crowds. It is what it is. As a result I get cast as bad guys, mafia types, angry guys, etc. I don't know why that bothers me. Jack Palance, Robert Englund and Vincent Price did pretty well at being dark figures. In my recovery, just a part of me wants to be the good guy, the hero, the one everybody is happy to see.
Well, the audition went horribly! I tried to act like the character instead of me being the character. That is how I have had success in the past. Let's face it. I was an addict and alcoholic for 28 dark years. Who am I going to portray more accurately? Richie Cunningham or Otis the Drunk? Facts are facts. I did get to work with Kely McClung from Vampire Diaries and Blood Ties. His direction was good. My acting was bad. Barney Rubble could do Hamlet compared to me that day. Oh well!
Wait, it gets worse! I emailed Imoto Harney, the producer and assistant director, to say I could come back in and audition for the junkie, homeless guy and street freak that were being cast in the film. Yep! I went back to the old comfort zone. I was taking that Gobstopper out and by golly I was gonna find a way into that movie! Well, they never called back. Imagine that. I made a fool of myself, something I am quite good at both personally and professionally.
I was heartbroken and in mourning over the loss of a friend. I was going to make life happen. His had been cut so short. Saturday I got a call from a casting director in California checking my availability for filming a week out there for a series. That week falls in the same time frame as the film I tried to force my way into. The California show also has a great message and I will get to help people with my message. God does my casting.
On top of that I met a new friend, Darren Marlar, a Christian comic who went for the same role as me and killed it! Funny how things go. I hope he gets the part. He can bring a positive message to a whole new demographic. Look him up on Facebook or Google his name. He is a fine man.
I am an alpha personality. I know you didn't have any idea of that, but I am. Most of the time it is great! That is when I am doing things the right way for the right reasons and with pure motives. When I get out there and try to "MAKE IT HAPPEN!" I get the windows of life slammed on my fingers. It will happen again. I learn from pain more than pleasure. I will continue to try too hard and fail occasionally when I over Tomify things. I heard a preacher say "You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without him." I understand that now and agree completely.
I am who I am - Popeye 1:3. That's just the way it is. I am grateful to be a part of the business of film and TV. I actually had an agent contact me from England. I hope it's not for day work! What a drive! As long as I am growing I'm doing fine. As long as I see my mistakes and fallibilities I'm fine...when the day comes that I think I'm fine.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
What would you do for YOUR Kids Knowing What Your Dad has Done for you?
God says I should be writing and I need to do more. I will. So often I pray for something and when it is given to me I ignore it or dismiss it as not having the time or being so surprised that I have been granted it that I figure HE must have made a mistake. Well He obviously doesn't make mistakes. He let's us handle that. I have been struggling a lot with that lately. That is, when am I doing the will of God and certain of it and when am I forcing my will upon the world and hoping God is okay with it?
I hope this video makes it to all the countries who read this blog. This is a documentary video, not an artistic piece. A director friend of mine, Eddie Garcia (mentioned in my last blog), made a version of this on his own. I find this to say so much about life itself. It makes me ask myself questions about me and my faith and my convictions as a human being.
AFTER WATCHING.......HIT REPLAY.......
HAVE A DAY!
AFTER WATCHING.......HIT REPLAY.......
HAVE A DAY!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Roll The Dice! Even When The Odds are Against You!...
Every Day is A Gift. I use that statement in direct relation to my own experiences from how I used to live my life to how I live my life now. For 28 years I took life for granted. I assumed I would wake up the next day no matter how much booze and drugs I put into my system. I did insane things with insane people. I risked my life over and over again. I carried around massive amounts of emotional baggage created from my yesterdays. I obsessed and fretted through anxiety ridden days wondering what the future held. I did not have the capacity to live in the moment.
Now in my sober life I have found myself and made friends with me. I have mended, and continue to mend, the damage inflicted from years of chemical abuse upon my family, friends and loved ones. I do live in the "now." It is a lot less stressful. I have learned a lot from my past and it is useful information for what not to do in the future. I have also been able to share my experiences of addiction, homelessness, recovery, faith, hope and new found success.
That being said, I am not gonna blow sunshine up your a** when a tornado is coming. Sometime life is excruciating. I lost another friend yesterday. I know he is in heaven. His name was, and is, Eddie Garcia, a film director, writer, producer, father, husband and everything I aim to be. He was confined to a wheel chair but lived life like a marathon runner. He cast me in his next film. God had other plans. We spoke many times and he taught me about life and acting. He sucked every moment out of life like juice from an orange. Today he is directing the stars in heaven. Please pray for his family. He was a warrior when it came to faith. I have seen more people pass in this year than in the last 20. My faith is strong. I know they are free from the insanity of life on Earth. Maybe this is Hell! Earth that is!
It wasn't a gift when Japan got devastated, or New Zealand or Alabama more recently. Reality can be a bitch. The translation of Every Day is a Gift is that "The sun shines and the rain falls on the good and the evil of this world." We have to make the best of what we have. Not what we have not. I wish I could sit at this keyboard everyday and write a beautiful piece about how grand things are. That would be a lie from me and an injustice to you.
When life is serving me a s**t sandwich I have to either be thankful for the meal or keep the faith that a better one is coming. I know life moves in seasons. Just like depression and addiction. When I start to focus too much on what's wrong with the picture I have to make a concerted effort to look at how lucky I really am! I am truly blessed. The pity pot is full. I don't choose to sit there any longer.
God gives me what I need. Not what I want. Sometimes He gives me more than my wildest dreams. Other times He takes away things to humble me and keep me right sized. All of these things keep me growing. As long as I am growing I am alive. If I slow down and stop trying to grow I slip back towards the old me and that leads me to the bottle and self-destruction.
The most beautiful flowers start out in a little pile of shit!
Poem: Bono written by Charles Bukowski, "Roll The Dice."
Now in my sober life I have found myself and made friends with me. I have mended, and continue to mend, the damage inflicted from years of chemical abuse upon my family, friends and loved ones. I do live in the "now." It is a lot less stressful. I have learned a lot from my past and it is useful information for what not to do in the future. I have also been able to share my experiences of addiction, homelessness, recovery, faith, hope and new found success.
That being said, I am not gonna blow sunshine up your a** when a tornado is coming. Sometime life is excruciating. I lost another friend yesterday. I know he is in heaven. His name was, and is, Eddie Garcia, a film director, writer, producer, father, husband and everything I aim to be. He was confined to a wheel chair but lived life like a marathon runner. He cast me in his next film. God had other plans. We spoke many times and he taught me about life and acting. He sucked every moment out of life like juice from an orange. Today he is directing the stars in heaven. Please pray for his family. He was a warrior when it came to faith. I have seen more people pass in this year than in the last 20. My faith is strong. I know they are free from the insanity of life on Earth. Maybe this is Hell! Earth that is!
It wasn't a gift when Japan got devastated, or New Zealand or Alabama more recently. Reality can be a bitch. The translation of Every Day is a Gift is that "The sun shines and the rain falls on the good and the evil of this world." We have to make the best of what we have. Not what we have not. I wish I could sit at this keyboard everyday and write a beautiful piece about how grand things are. That would be a lie from me and an injustice to you.
When life is serving me a s**t sandwich I have to either be thankful for the meal or keep the faith that a better one is coming. I know life moves in seasons. Just like depression and addiction. When I start to focus too much on what's wrong with the picture I have to make a concerted effort to look at how lucky I really am! I am truly blessed. The pity pot is full. I don't choose to sit there any longer.
God gives me what I need. Not what I want. Sometimes He gives me more than my wildest dreams. Other times He takes away things to humble me and keep me right sized. All of these things keep me growing. As long as I am growing I am alive. If I slow down and stop trying to grow I slip back towards the old me and that leads me to the bottle and self-destruction.
The most beautiful flowers start out in a little pile of shit!
Poem: Bono written by Charles Bukowski, "Roll The Dice."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Spring in Chicago Means...... Baseball and Film Season is Here!
I have been busy. I hope you have. When I'm busy I don't have time to think and worry, obsess and isolate. Most people hope for the days when their schedule slows down and they can catch their breath. Not me. I like when things are crazy, busy, day packed top to bottom. It's when I'm bored and alone that the carnival I know as my mind takes me to the fun house with those mirrors that distort things and make me uncomfortable. I guess as part of my basic make up I enjoy chaos.
I have started writing for a publisher and have had some articles and photographs published already. You can find these at www.triond.com/tommyconnolly . The venture is something I have always wanted to do: to be a published author. So many of my dreams are coming true. None of them would be possible without the help of God, recovery and friends like you. At 45 I may be falling apart but I am catching my dreams. I'm not chasing them anymore. The difference between a dream and a reality is one you imagine and one you do.
I have been lining up more comedy dates and have worked on 2 films with a third this weekend. You might say I am a man on a mission. I am. I wasted so much time, being wasted for so much of the time. Now I am doing productive things. I have helped a handful of people jump into the film business. That rocks my world. I try to put 2 smiles on people's faces for every frown I created over 28 years of addiction and depression. I try to play tag with the world. When I tag someone it's with hope and encouragement that life is for living, not being frozen in a moment or trapped in fear. You can start your life over with the next sunrise. All you have to do is do.
Baseball has begun and my beloved White Sox are doing okay. The pitching is average but over all I am optimistic about the season. More importantly, the warmer weather brings film and TV work to Chicago, the most beautiful city in the world. There are pilots being shot in town for MTV, a pilot for a comedy starring Frazier, funny man Kelsey Grammar, Superman is heading back into town and so many more projects I hope to have work up through Christmas. I have already worked on one of the projects. It was a 13 hour day and I loved it!
There is nothing like the insanity and collective vision on a set. I could spend hours just watching the crew setting the lighting, moving the sets, placing the props. The only thing I don't like about the film business is that they aren't too thrilled with Chicago winters. There should be more films about hockey, ice fishing and figure skating. That would solve the problem.
On the home front, sobriety is day to day. I am doing all the things I need to do to maintain it. When I am busy I need to ALWAYS keep God and the knowledge of my addictive past at the center of my mind and heart and work from there. If I start to slip away from sobriety, I will step right back into a bar or dope house. That's the fact Jack!
I miss Cooter, big dumb dog. She has been gone for almost a month now. My mom had to put her Chloe down and that brought all the feelings of loss rushing back. I love my dogs with every ounce of my being but saying goodbye hurts me the same as if it were one of my children. I have gotten more involved with PET PARDON. Please look for them on Face book. You can find them on my page at www.facebook.com/tommyconnollycomedian . You can adopt or sponsor a dog. You can even be a virtual foster parent. Please check out Kiva.com as well.
KIVA is a non-profit organization that is a charity where you and I LOAN money to people whom we choose from around the world to help them become entrepreneurs for as little as $25 bucks! It's not a hand out. You can track the progress of the project you fund and the person you are supporting. It is a beautiful concept and one I am honored to be a part of.
There has been some craziness too. My daughter Andrea is coming home from Germany soon. I can't wait. She has been helping me with my articles. She is an amazing editor and I am looking forward to giving her a wet sloppy kiss on her beautiful Italian face! Sunny is doing well for the most part but has had a set back or two. We love and support her, but can't keep her locked in a cage. Like all of us, she is given free choice in this world to make her own decisions. I just pray for her to find the way to a straight path. She is attracted to the rocky road like a magnet. She reminds me of me and I am powerless over her choices. I can share my love, my God and my hope with her. The rest is up to her.
Well I guess that's the quick update. Last night they ran "The Chicago Code" episode that began my journey to today. My father's memorial service was on a Friday and I appeared in the episode 3 days later. I took the chance. I caught a dream. I got off my butt and went for it. Life is always full of the things we are going to do the next day or we waste today regretting yesterday. That is such wasted energy and time. Today is a gift, that IS why it's the PRESENT! God Bless. Catch a dream today and spread a little sunshine today. Love ya!
I have started writing for a publisher and have had some articles and photographs published already. You can find these at www.triond.com/tommyconnolly . The venture is something I have always wanted to do: to be a published author. So many of my dreams are coming true. None of them would be possible without the help of God, recovery and friends like you. At 45 I may be falling apart but I am catching my dreams. I'm not chasing them anymore. The difference between a dream and a reality is one you imagine and one you do.
I have been lining up more comedy dates and have worked on 2 films with a third this weekend. You might say I am a man on a mission. I am. I wasted so much time, being wasted for so much of the time. Now I am doing productive things. I have helped a handful of people jump into the film business. That rocks my world. I try to put 2 smiles on people's faces for every frown I created over 28 years of addiction and depression. I try to play tag with the world. When I tag someone it's with hope and encouragement that life is for living, not being frozen in a moment or trapped in fear. You can start your life over with the next sunrise. All you have to do is do.
Baseball has begun and my beloved White Sox are doing okay. The pitching is average but over all I am optimistic about the season. More importantly, the warmer weather brings film and TV work to Chicago, the most beautiful city in the world. There are pilots being shot in town for MTV, a pilot for a comedy starring Frazier, funny man Kelsey Grammar, Superman is heading back into town and so many more projects I hope to have work up through Christmas. I have already worked on one of the projects. It was a 13 hour day and I loved it!
There is nothing like the insanity and collective vision on a set. I could spend hours just watching the crew setting the lighting, moving the sets, placing the props. The only thing I don't like about the film business is that they aren't too thrilled with Chicago winters. There should be more films about hockey, ice fishing and figure skating. That would solve the problem.
On the home front, sobriety is day to day. I am doing all the things I need to do to maintain it. When I am busy I need to ALWAYS keep God and the knowledge of my addictive past at the center of my mind and heart and work from there. If I start to slip away from sobriety, I will step right back into a bar or dope house. That's the fact Jack!
I miss Cooter, big dumb dog. She has been gone for almost a month now. My mom had to put her Chloe down and that brought all the feelings of loss rushing back. I love my dogs with every ounce of my being but saying goodbye hurts me the same as if it were one of my children. I have gotten more involved with PET PARDON. Please look for them on Face book. You can find them on my page at www.facebook.com/tommyconnollycomedian . You can adopt or sponsor a dog. You can even be a virtual foster parent. Please check out Kiva.com as well.
KIVA is a non-profit organization that is a charity where you and I LOAN money to people whom we choose from around the world to help them become entrepreneurs for as little as $25 bucks! It's not a hand out. You can track the progress of the project you fund and the person you are supporting. It is a beautiful concept and one I am honored to be a part of.
There has been some craziness too. My daughter Andrea is coming home from Germany soon. I can't wait. She has been helping me with my articles. She is an amazing editor and I am looking forward to giving her a wet sloppy kiss on her beautiful Italian face! Sunny is doing well for the most part but has had a set back or two. We love and support her, but can't keep her locked in a cage. Like all of us, she is given free choice in this world to make her own decisions. I just pray for her to find the way to a straight path. She is attracted to the rocky road like a magnet. She reminds me of me and I am powerless over her choices. I can share my love, my God and my hope with her. The rest is up to her.
Well I guess that's the quick update. Last night they ran "The Chicago Code" episode that began my journey to today. My father's memorial service was on a Friday and I appeared in the episode 3 days later. I took the chance. I caught a dream. I got off my butt and went for it. Life is always full of the things we are going to do the next day or we waste today regretting yesterday. That is such wasted energy and time. Today is a gift, that IS why it's the PRESENT! God Bless. Catch a dream today and spread a little sunshine today. Love ya!
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