Today is my 9th wedding anniversary to my wife Kris. Most folks know I call her Squeaky. The nickname is a reference to how she sounds, more than that of the strange woman who tried to whack President Ford, but being from Berwyn and Italian, my Squeaky is up for anything. This is my fourth marriage. Based on experience alone that makes me an expert, right?
Now that I am at the ripe young age of 45, and sober, it is a lot easier to look back on my 3 previous marriages and see where they failed. They failed because of 2 people who were not realistic about marriage and one who wasn't ever consulted. The 2 people who were not realistic were me and my addiction. The one never consulted - God.
I get a lot of heat from people saying I'm too hard on myself. I know that is true to a point. Self criticism is a problem that goes way back for me and is deeply rooted. I work on it daily. I can say that I don't use a bat any more to smack myself. It's more of the "socker-bopper" type these days. Coming from a critical upbringing, it is just a part of my being. Not passing it on to my kids is the key to breaking the chain. I am doing a pretty good job in that department. I praise my kids whenever possible. If they make a mistake I am always quick to point out the sunshine along with the clouds, not just the clouds.
That being said my first marriage lasted about 4 months. The second one lasted maybe 6. The third lasted a year, but we never lived together for a week straight. In my first year of marriage to Kris I had already surpassed the cumulative total of my previous 3 marriages. I take full responsibility for the failure of the first 3 marriages because I was not in a place of physical, emotional or spiritual well being to be married but did it anyway.
My first marriage was at age 26. My father was married to my mother at 26 and I was drinking and using speed quite heavily. I thought that by getting married I would "slow down." I thought that with marriage a switch would be flipped in my head which would turn me from an addicted boy into a responsible man. My wife to be was a great lady who wanted a wedding and had some idealistic ideas of marriage herself. She didn't fully understand the impact full time life with an alcoholic would take on her. I was functional outside but dysfunctional emotionally. To her credit, she left after 4 months.
My next two marriages were "shotgun marriages" so to speak. What I really wanted out of marriage was a child. A wife was just an addition and a means to an end of me getting what I wanted. Wife number two got pregnant, we got married, she lost the baby. We found out we were unable to have children together so that made the marriage disposable to me. She was out of there in 6 months. She is happily married now. My first wife went on to have a family of her own and I had the pleasure of meeting her son. I am happy for the both of them and grateful that they escaped me and my addiction.
Wife 3 and I were married for about a year but never lived together for a week straight. She got pregnant and lost the child. I married her before the miscarriage out of manufactured nobility and ended up empty handed. By the end of the marriage she did give me a beautiful daughter, but they have since disappeared. Kelly pops in and out of my life. She is 11 and I have learned to be patient and leave things in the Lord's hands when it comes to seeing her. I know that she is getting to the age where I hope she is getting more curious about spending time or talking to Dad. I used to obsess about it and it only made me sick. It will work itself out in God's time.
When I met Kris I was alcohol free but on the herbal life program. Not the healthy one. Since I was still using mind altering chemicals I wasn't growing emotionally or at least not as fast as I could have been if I was completely clean. She came with a ready made family so I jumped in and tried to fix things. One of an addict's or a man's biggest challenge is that we always feel the need to fix or advise, even when fixing or advising hasn't been requested or isn't needed.
The first few years were rough. The first one the roughest. We spent 3 years together before we got married. I was scared and I think she was too. It gave us both a chance to grow. 12 years together, I can say that we really are best friends. Here are some of my observations on my marriage and why it works. I've also thrown in some general observations about marriage that I have surmised over the last few years.
1. When you see a couple and think that they never have a disagreement about anything, ever. This couple either doesn't talk, has separate bedrooms, one is a pushover, they don't talk, one is a pushover or they don't talk.
2. I don't need to be right. For years I did. What the hell do I achieve by being right? I prefer peace to right. Being able to say I am wrong gives me a lot more peace and satisfaction in my house than gloating over when I am right.
3. Just because I think that clearing the blinking time from the microwave, putting the dishes in the dishwasher in a particular order and wiping the water spots from the sink is stupid, the extra 30 seconds it takes for me to do these things to make my wife happy, is worth more than the grief I get from pointing out how silly it is. Am I the expert on silly and sane? I think not!
4. When my wife gives me 2 choices of what she should wear to a function I pick the one I don't want her to wear. This ensures that she will undoubtedly wear the other one: the one I want her to wear.
5. I don't have to fix her problems after work unless directly asked. Usually she wants me to sit like one of those plastic dogs with the bobbing heads while she vents. If I jump in and try to fix stuff, I'm done. The head bob and occasional ummm hmmm works perfectly here.
6. Sometimes even when I'm right, and I have been hurt, it's better to bite the bullet and move on than to waste the day on a silly fight. Life's too short for pouting.
7. Shoe shopping with my wife is a sure way to show her I love her and a great way to grow my patience with her and Vera Wang. I dislike shopping.
8. Shopping is when you go in a store and buy something. Looking is when you go in to stores and look at things. I don't like when my wife takes me looking. Shopping is okay...sometimes.
9. Sometimes the best thing to do is hit the pause button and walk away. There comes a time in a relationship when the discomfort of disharmony becomes stronger than the argument. We argue about dumb stuff like wrapping paper and what kind of cheese to buy, not money and the kids. Fix it and move on. I get heartburn from disharmony. Life's too short for heartburn.
10. God is at the center of our relationship. That has made it all work.
No comments:
Post a Comment