In addiction recovery the focus is to live your life in the moment from day to day. Yesterdays' are filled with loss and regret. Tomorrows littered with uncertainty and anxiety. When I first got sober I thought it was a silly concept. Now I find it perfectly delightful. Whether you're an addict or an earthling you really don't know when the great lotto ball caller is gonna pick your number. Staying in the now makes me enjoy the simplicity of existence, the beauty of just being a part of the landscape, something I savor.
My life is just like those Gobstoppers. When I am grateful for the blessings that come my way and realize how truly good I have it, I've got it made. It's when I analyze and try to control that the world becomes purple, yellow and red, distorted by my forcing myself upon the universe and what I WANT that things get crazy and I get crazy along with them. God made such a beautiful world and saved me a million times from destroying myself but every once in a while I seem to feel the need to jump up and try to adjust the picture for Him. He opens doors and closes windows. I sometimes leave my fingers in the sill when the pane comes crashing down. That's His way of reminding me that He's doing just fine without me.
I auditioned for a movie last week called "Altered." It is a horror/thriller and I was up for a role as a cop. Most of you know that I have a look about me that is, let's say "not nurturing." What the hell! I look like I'm pissed off a lot. That comes from 28 years of addiction, living in the street and running with some rough crowds. It is what it is. As a result I get cast as bad guys, mafia types, angry guys, etc. I don't know why that bothers me. Jack Palance, Robert Englund and Vincent Price did pretty well at being dark figures. In my recovery, just a part of me wants to be the good guy, the hero, the one everybody is happy to see.
Well, the audition went horribly! I tried to act like the character instead of me being the character. That is how I have had success in the past. Let's face it. I was an addict and alcoholic for 28 dark years. Who am I going to portray more accurately? Richie Cunningham or Otis the Drunk? Facts are facts. I did get to work with Kely McClung from Vampire Diaries and Blood Ties. His direction was good. My acting was bad. Barney Rubble could do Hamlet compared to me that day. Oh well!
Wait, it gets worse! I emailed Imoto Harney, the producer and assistant director, to say I could come back in and audition for the junkie, homeless guy and street freak that were being cast in the film. Yep! I went back to the old comfort zone. I was taking that Gobstopper out and by golly I was gonna find a way into that movie! Well, they never called back. Imagine that. I made a fool of myself, something I am quite good at both personally and professionally.
I was heartbroken and in mourning over the loss of a friend. I was going to make life happen. His had been cut so short. Saturday I got a call from a casting director in California checking my availability for filming a week out there for a series. That week falls in the same time frame as the film I tried to force my way into. The California show also has a great message and I will get to help people with my message. God does my casting.
On top of that I met a new friend, Darren Marlar, a Christian comic who went for the same role as me and killed it! Funny how things go. I hope he gets the part. He can bring a positive message to a whole new demographic. Look him up on Facebook or Google his name. He is a fine man.
I am an alpha personality. I know you didn't have any idea of that, but I am. Most of the time it is great! That is when I am doing things the right way for the right reasons and with pure motives. When I get out there and try to "MAKE IT HAPPEN!" I get the windows of life slammed on my fingers. It will happen again. I learn from pain more than pleasure. I will continue to try too hard and fail occasionally when I over Tomify things. I heard a preacher say "You can fail miserably with God or succeed more miserably without him." I understand that now and agree completely.
I am who I am - Popeye 1:3. That's just the way it is. I am grateful to be a part of the business of film and TV. I actually had an agent contact me from England. I hope it's not for day work! What a drive! As long as I am growing I'm doing fine. As long as I see my mistakes and fallibilities I'm fine...when the day comes that I think I'm fine.
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